Darkness
It's there. Pulling at me, whispering to me…seducing me. The brightness and clarity of lucidity fills my mind, a ray of hope, but at the edges of my thoughts, Darkness lingers. It pushes against the Light…fights to take over and pull me down into its blackness.
The planet is damp…and I can feel the Darkness' satisfaction. We like it this way…I…I like it this way. I close my eyes and drag in a deep breath as I grasp at the Lightness and push away the Darkness. I won't…can't let it take me. I hate those bugs…I…I can't become one! I won't!
Abruptly I stop and stare at the cave. The Darkness' hold on me redoubles and I fight to keep a stoic mask of control. I battle against the growing Darkness…the urge to scream…the urge to kill everything and everyone around me…
Everyone around me…
They are there. Teyla, McKay, Ronon, even Beckett. They're with me, trying to help me and their strength supports me.
"At least a container full, do you understand?"
Carson's voice sounds urgent, even desperate. I can't answer him…can't say anything…can't spare the effort to speak. I can't spare the strength from fighting the Darkness. I take the container from him, but Teyla stops me. I barely stop the Darkness…barely keep from grabbing her by the throat and throwing her aside…crushing her…killing her…feeding on her…
"…but you need to hurry..."
So that's it. I'm loosing it. Loosing my fight. The Darkness grows, strengthens at this realization. I can't fight it…can't win…
Can't kill it.
Still unable to speak, I walk past her. The Darkness whispers more. Just give up…just let go…surrender.
I enter the dark cave, still clinging to my Light, but the Darkness strengthens. It feels at home here…I…I feel at home here. NO! I shake my head against it, push the Darkness back, hold onto my Light, stubbornly fight for me…for John Sheppard…for being human!
For a few moments, It is silent, my Light guides me. The shroud of the savage Darkness is held at bay. I look around. Anger rises in me. I can see. The cave is pitch dark, but I can see. I have the damn bug's eyes, and I can see. Anger fuels the Darkness and it returns. I fight it, cling to my Light as I throw off my cloak and stubbornly ignite my flare. A human couldn't see in this pitch-blackness and I am human! I throw the torch among the bugs, squinting as my damn bug eyes adjust.
The Iratus Bugs crawl all around me and the Darkness pushes at me again…this time with more strength. It eats away at the edges of my Light…gradually consuming it and I…I can't stop it! The Darkness feels at home here, with it's kin…
I HATE THOSE BUGS!
The human side of me fights back, fueled by the virus inhibitor…fueled by my strength. I will not become one! I won't let go! I am John Sheppard! I am human! Latching onto my Light…my lucidity…my humanity, I walk among the damned. Bugs scatter out of my way, yet they do not attack me. Because you are one of them…The Darkness still whispers, it's influence strengthening, pulling harder at me, eroding away more and more of my Light.
I am John Sheppard…I am human!
I stare up at the nest, spite gripping me. Irony briefly takes hold. My own darkness…my human darkness is the very weapon I need to fight…It.
I can feel the strength of the bug within me. Higher than any human can jump, I know I can make it. Up there is my salvation…the salvation of John Sheppard…and the demise of the Darkness. Spiteful glee rises in me. The very thing I'm fighting is my savior.
I jump, easily crossing the distance and landing on the nest. I shove the container in the nest. The human side of me is determined, its last push of strength driving my actions. The Darkness screams it defiance, but I cling to my Light. I will not listen! I am John Sheppard! I am human!
Pulling the container out, I stare down at the eggs, the irony of what my salvation is, reinforcing my human side. I will use the bugs against themselves! I, John Sheppard, human will win!
I let go, dropping easily to the ground. The Darkness screams at me, surges against my Light like a great tidal wave, but I hold on to my Light, my humanity…my sanity.
Yet the Darkness comes, greater…stronger, it crashes through my barriers. Searing pain courses through my head as I fight, cling to my humanity. I am John Sheppard! I am human! The Darkness crushes the last of my Light in its cold embrace. Desperate, I fight back. I am John Sheppard! I am human!
The Darkness looms…spreads…consumes me. I feel my humanity fleeing…John Sheppard dying…
I…am…John…Sheppard! I…am…hu…Rational thought…my lucidity crumbles. The Darkness has me and I can't escape.
Author's Notes:
The lines spoke by Teyla and Carson are taken directly from the Stargate Atlantis episode "Conversion" I don't own them.
I can't imagine how John felt, losing hold on his rational mind as the virus inhibitor wore off. Anyhow, this is an attempt to explain it.
SGAFan