warning: this gets a little crazy. it starts out fairly normal. with some random gayness and bad aiming and such, but it's still pretty normal. but then it gets into the exchange of underwear throughout Hogwarts staff members. and then it's just wrong. so be warned.

it is very…very…scary.

29 years later

Remus had never liked this office.

For one thing, it smelled like urine.

Remus had discovered, after falling onto the urinal in the adjoining bathroom one dark night, that its previous occupant had had some sort of issue with aiming. And whatever this issue may have led to, the janitorial staff hadn't exactly picked up on it. Thus the strong-smelling stains on the walls and floor, and the occasional though somewhat inconceivable stain on the ceiling.

Apparently Professor Lockhart had not had all the "brawn" he'd boasted. Well, Remus had always thought the man was a bit light in the loafers ever since that first book signing. Lockhart had practically squeezed his werewolf bum when he'd caught Remus flipping through a copy of Look Unbelievably Great and Do It All with Ketchup purely out of curiosity at Flourish and Blotts last year. Remus had no idea there was a guest appearance going on, though he had wondered at the crowds when he'd first arrived. Absorbed in laughing hysterically at the crap in the book, he had not noticed that Gilderoy had run up and gotten his strawberry-shampooed self all over the poor man's backside. Gilderoy had taken the curiosity for admiration, and asked Remus out. Remus had hurried off to the bathroom to hide in the stall for a while, even though Gilderoy had stalked him and pretended to get his hand stuck in the faucet as he stalled.

Remus wouldn't be biased and say gay meant poor aim, but he expected it must have had something to do with it.

He also hated this office because he could never find anything in it. The cupboards had gotten into the habit of changing places at random times, probably for their own devious entertainment at watching Remus sift helplessly through them, and since they all looked alike, he could rarely find any of his papers. The cupboards weren't as bad as the doors. One day, he'd opened up his closet door only to find it had switched places with one leading into an empty classroom, and became witness to the amorous pursuits of Percy Weasley, as he proceeded to slobber all over a Ravenclaw's neck while his hands went on a jungle safari. Remus had closed the door as quickly as was humanly possible, and when he'd opened it again been more than happy to find only his coat and not a make out session inside.

Tonight he hated the office because it was freezing cold and his stereo wasn't working, which meant he couldn't listen to Bing Crosby Sings Christmas while grading mid-term essays.

Remus sighed and leaned forward in his chair, causing his red quill to leave a long red line across Lavender Brown's essay on a history or famous aurors. He swore loudly and looked around until he'd found his spell-o-check, which only ended up erasing an entire portion of her essay as well as the red line. He swore even louder. It was way too late to be grading.

All the other professors were probably sleeping, this being three o clock in the morning, after all. He knew Snape was asleep because he'd seen him stalking off towards the professors' dormitories in his pink silk undies a few hours ago, a newspaper and woman's left shoe under his arm. Remus had noted the lack of Professor Sinestra's left shoe as she walked unevenly to the dorms herself, not concealing a g-string very well under a blue bathrobe. He'd shuddered, especially when he'd seen a satisfied smirk on her face after she was emerging from the dungeons that evening and strolling pleasantly toward the astronomy tower. As they liked to say in that wing, Ravenclaws just don't need a reason.

Remus had hoped he'd have these essays done a long time ago, but it was starting to get harder to concentrate when the lack of Jingle Bells wasn't hurrying you along with its cheerful melody and oh-so-happy upbeat lyrics. He significantly slowed after reading Ron Weasley's essay on auror techniques, which had involved something about cheese and ballpoint pens and what happens to feet when you die. Then he'd almost fallen asleep during Hermione Granger's extremely long and drawn out essay on little known aurors of the seventeenth century. Honestly, was he that tedious when he was that age?

Remus stood up, yawning and stretching profusely. He couldn't take this anymore. One more essay and he'd willingly approach Snape in his pink silk undies. That's how desperate he was getting- that kind of desperate was just not healthy.

Remus had left his coat in his closet, and figured he'd better retrieve before it started smelling like urine. Apparently Lockhart had spent his drunken nights in there, wetting himself to sleep.

When he'd opened the closet however, it had not been a closet. Remus groaned, absolutely not in the mood for this, and not at all willing to witness couples getting cozy at this time of night.

"Damn." was all he could say, and in his frustration, stepped into the dark chamber. He couldn't hear or see a thing, but he knew he was walking in a hall from the echoes of his feet. It was a long time before he began to see light at the end of the tunnel, and breathing a sigh of relief, stepped towards the green torches. There was a ladder climbing upward, and doing what any curious but somewhat dull person would do, he climbed it until he hit his head on a trapdoor. It took all his strength to shove it open, and it opened into another dark space. He couldn't see a thing, but he felt something like a long board above him. It was shaking violently and creaking. Remus frowned, crawling out from beneath the board, and hearing a familiar sound reach his ears.

Exotic music playing softly behind him. And incense burning. And groaning from the vicinity of the shaking boards.

Remus stared and stared.

He had no idea where he was, but he had some sort of strange memory going on in his head, involving this place and screaming.

"Oh my god, I must have had a dream about this." He suddenly realized. "This must be what déjà vu is like!" He smiled to himself, pleased at finally discovering the sensation. He'd never had a strange but fleeting flashback moment before.

Bras.

Where had that come from?

And someone's butt.

He frowned. "That must have been one weird dream."

He had no time to think about dreams however, because he heard a call of distress from the corner of the room.

"Oh god!" Dumbledore's voice let out a painful groan. "Don't! Stay away!"

"Professor Dumbledore? Don't worry! I'll save you!" Remus pulled out his wand. The headmaster in distress! This was a time for…SUPER-REMUS! He ran to the side of the bed (yes, it was a now clearly a bed) and pulled open the sheets and-

"Holy fookin shyte!"

Remus fell backwards and against the wall. He let out a high pitched scream.

"Oh jesus, he's back." Dumbledore moaned, and the lights flickered on.

Remus continued to scream.

Professor McGonagall was completely naked except for a tartan thong over her shoulder. She covered herself as best she could by the curtain. Professor Dumbledore was hiding beneath the blankets, rolling his eyes.

"How the hell did he get in here, Albus?" McGonagall looked at Professor Dumbledore, who shrugged.

"Don't look at me."

"B-b-b-b-b-b-but…." Remus' lip quivered pathetically. "You're like…80!" He retched onto the rug. McGonagall frowned. Dumbledore stared, his eyes as wide as saucers.

"I'm 75." Dumbledore said, rolling his eyes again.

"I'll have you know I'm only 68, Remus Lupin!" McGonagall huffed. Remus began to scream again, because her 68 year old boobs were now in view.

"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-but…" Remus shuddered again, resisting the urge to scream. "How…why…?"

"Medicare covers Levitra now." Dumbledore said plainly, pushing his glasses up his nose and sitting back in bed.

"I think he was talking about how he got here, Albus." McGonagall said, rolling her eyes.

Remus screamed like a girl, because her 68 year old naked backside had come into view as she crawled back into bed, looking for cover.

"Switching doors in that office…" Dumbledore ventured. "Happens about once a year."

"Lockhart tried to join us last term, when he found the door." McGonagall frowned and turned to Dumbledore. "Do you think he's regained feeling in his groin?"

Remus continued to scream, because he now knew why the aiming problems had occurred.

"I think he was talking about why you called out in distress, actually." McGonagall said, turning to Dumbledore again.

"Oh!" Dumbledore smiled pleasantly. "Minerva gets a little rough sometimes…arthritis can't handle it…" He gave Remus the thumbs up. Remus fell headfirst onto the rug when he fainted.

"God, you'd think he be more calm about it." McGonagall said to Dumbledore.

"Well, he's practically family after last time to us, but maybe he's forgotten."

"He still owes me my bra. I loved that bra."

"And I loved my rocket ship underwear."

"You weren't wearing your rocket ship underwear that night."

"How do you know?"

"Because I remember."

"How can you remember that?"

"Because I'm a woman."

"Oh."

"Yes."

"So…"

"So what?"

"So what did ever happen to my rocket ship underwear?"

"No idea. You probably left it in the wash and it got picked up by someone else."

"Too bad. I always loved that underwear."

Down in the staff dormitories, Snape examined his rocket ship undies in the mirror. It was interesting; he never did figure out whose they were when he'd found them that day in the laundry so many years ago, but they sure did look good on him. He liked the bright red rockets and their orange little jet streams, embroidered with the words "blast off!" on the sides. He liked their pleasant simplicity. In fact, it was one of the few pleasures he got out of life.

"Come on, Snapie! Are you looking at your stupid underwear again?"

"I'm coming, alright?" Snape growled and crawled back into bed.

"I think you spend too much time looking at yourself in the mirror. Admiring your rocket ship underwear is not a healthy past time." Hermione emerged from the covers, giving Snapie a kiss.

"Well, I think they're manly." Ginny came up from the other side, kissing Snapie too. Snapie grinned at the pinch on his arm.

"Come on, you bucket of love! Enough underwear and just hold me already!" Hermione grabbed him by his rocket ship undies with her left hand and turned the lights out with her right.

Snape sighed. Despite the loving, he was still depressed. How he wished he hadn't misplaced his silk pink undies an hour ago.

If only Snape knew that the person wearing the pink silk undies was none other than Remus, who had stolen them from Flitwick while he was showering, who had taken them from Sprout's drawers while she was shaving, who had pried them from the fingers of dangerous criminal Sirius Black while he lay drunk in Sinestra's hallway, who had received them as a gift after shagging Sinestra, who had returned to Snape's bedroom to take them off him while looking for her left shoe.

Remus meanwhile was screaming bloody hell in Dumbledore's office, seeing as he had woken up.

In the end, all the problems of the world could have been solved by switching underwear. And that is why the moral of the story is:

Don't eat beavers when they look green because they are probably infected.