Genre: fantasy/parody
And now, presenting another author, who reminds the reader to be careful what you wish for…
Episode Four: Mary Sue Cries WolfBy Zubeneschamali aka Beta Librae
Jessica crept through the bushes toward the temporary British encampment, hardly believing her incredible good luck. Just a short time before, she had been walking through the park near her house, fantasizing that she was a helpless colonial girl being viciously preyed upon by that evil but sexy bastard Colonel Tavington. She'd paused by the new ornamental wishing well, tossing in a coin and making the wish that she could actually travel back in time to meet Tavington, never seriously believing that her fond but impossible-seeming wish would come true. But the very next instant she had found herself here in the 18th century: her steamy fantasies about Tavington were about to become reality!
She imagined Tavington ripping off her clothes and flinging her violently to the ground, then throwing himself onto her like a ravening animal, and quivered in anticipation. She just didn't understand those fanfic writers who turned him into a nice guy. They didn't understand the character at all.
And then, as she reached the edge of a small clearing, she saw him. He stood at the glade's centre, and, as she watched in breathless fascination, began to unfasten the front of his breeches. A delicious shiver ran up her spine: it was as if he'd known she was coming–was it possible that he even had supernatural powers?–and had been lying in wait for her here all along! This was the moment she had dreaming of for so long! She closed her eyes, faint with anticipation.
An unexpected sound revived her from her near-swoon: not the menacing fall of approaching footsteps, but a gentle splashing. Her eyes flew back open. Tavington wasn't stalking toward her, a sinister leer upon his handsome features and his swollen manhood protruding from his breeches–clearly completely oblivious to her presence, he was in the process of taking a pee!
Jessica let out a strangled squawk. He looked over sharply to where she stood half-concealed in the shadows of the brush; at the sight of her staring fixedly at his open breeches, he flushed deeply–with fury, surely; no way could Tav feel anything so wimpy as embarrassment–and as she continued to stare, definitely began to look angry.
Recovering from her discomfiture, she began to take heart. It was a good sign that he was getting mad; this meant he'd be attacking her in no time. Just as she had so carefully rehearsed, she moaned, swayed, and sank gracefully to the ground in a fake faint. At the sound of his footsteps tramping through the undergrowth she had to fight to keep from licking her lips in anticipation. Then she frowned in spite of herself: his footsteps seemed to be retreating! She opened her eyes a fraction just in time to see him disappear into the trees at the far side of the clearing.
Jessica sat bolt upright, and nearly shouted after him as to where the hell did he think he was going. But upon a few moments' reflection, she decided, with a greater quiver of excitement than ever before, that he had gone back to the camp to get some rope so he could tie her up, just like in one of her fantasies, and maybe also to get his riding crop so he could thrash her, just like in another of her fantasies. She lay back down, and writhed in ecstasy.
At length she heard returning footsteps. "Can you hear me, girl?"
Jessica was unable to move or speak, so great was her shock: the voice belonged to a woman! Even after she recovered her senses, she remained silent and motionless. Get lost, you stupid cow! she thought furiously. Get the hell out of here before Tav gets back!
The woman knelt beside her and felt Jessica's pulse with one hand while laying the other on Jessica's brow. Then she nudged her ungently. "You may as well get up, girl, because I can tell you're awake." Jessica stubbornly refused to respond, hoping the woman would just go away. "Little fool," she heard the woman mutter, a moment before receiving a pitcherful of water in the face.
Jessica was jarred into emitting an unattractive spluttering sound and blinking up unbecomingly. "Who the hell are you?" she snarled, wiping her face.
"I'm a soldier's wife, who our colonel asked to attend to the silly wench he'd seen swooning in the woods."
Jessica's mind raced. What was going on here? Why was Tav being so damned uncooperative? Why hadn't he come back himself? But then she told herself that this must just be part of a cruel cat-and-mouse game he was playing with her, sending this woman to trick her into thinking she was safe when he really still had every intention of coming after her. Well, two could play at that game.
"I can't move one bit!" she declared dramatically. "I'm paralyzed with terror! I beg you not to tell your colonel that I'm completely at his mercy–my wedding is tomorrow, and I want to go to my husband a virgin!" She managed to squeeze out a few tears. That should bring him running, she thought smugly.
The woman rolled her eyes. "I'm aware of the sort of wild stories you Rebels are telling about our colonel. But I can tell you there's no truth to them. Even if he were that sort of man, the thought of being thrown out of the army in disgrace would be enough to keep him in line."
Jessica nearly rolled her eyes. How stupid was this woman, anyway? She knew from all the RevWar romances she'd read that British soldiers were always raping colonial women. This grubby frump was probably just jealous because Tav had never tried anything with her.
"Now, since there seems to be nothing the matter with you apart from being afflicted with a hare's brain, I'm going back to camp to care for those that really need it," the woman continued. "You can just run along back to that husband-to-be of yours, and be thankful that you have a home to go to. Not all of us have been so lucky during this war."
"I told you, I can't move," sniffled Jessica. "But whatever you do, please, please don't tell Colonel Tavington that I'm still lying here completely helpless!"
The woman snorted and walked away. I thought you'd never leave, you stupid bitch, Jessica thought contemptuously. And serves you right for losing your home. Then, after artfully pulling up her skirt to display some leg and pulling down her bodice to expose some cleavage–some of the water had splashed onto her chest, causing the material of her dress to cling sexily, she noted with satisfaction–she settled herself to wait.
As the minutes passed, she began to doze off. She was jolted back to wakefulness by painful prickings on the exposed skin of her legs and chest. Mosquitoes! Why hadn't she put on insect repellent? How sexy were mosquito bites all over her hooters! She swatted and cursed for several minutes, and after hastily rearranging her clothing, lay back panting.
What was taking Tav? She was going to have to take a pee soon herself. With the way things were going, he'd come back just in time to see her having her piss. That would ruin everything! (then again, he was such a twisted bastard he might actually be turned on by that kind of thing, but she didn't want to take a chance on it) She found she had to risk it anyway–no way could she enjoy her rape feeling like she had to go to the toilet the whole time, and maybe even pissing herself (see above)–and to her relief, was uninterrupted. But, it was so not a relief that she had to use leaves for toilet paper (ick!) and was unable to wash her hands afterward (double ick!).
More time passed. Where was he? Had he been sidetracked somehow? Maybe she should "accidentally" stumble into the camp, pretending to have lost her way while attempting to drag herself back home.
It was then that she heard a stealthy rustling in the bushes. At long last! She caught her breath, and trembled in expectancy. The rustling grew closer and closer. She felt a shadow falling over her, and opened her eyes. Her faked terror instantly gave way to the real thing: beside her crouched an enormous wolf on the point of springing, ferocious teeth bared.
She didn't even have time to scream.