Author: Lucinda

similar to the series, with chances of violence and moderate sexuality

main characters: Riley, Faith

Faith and Second Chances 20: A Chance to Find Myself

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Distribution: Wic, Paula, Cat - anyone else ask first.

Set in season 4, just after the body switching has been reversed.

Faith pretended to sleep on the couch. Spaces of time kept vanishing, so she figured that she was dozing a little, but it wasn't a very restful sleep. Things would be better if pain meds worked on her like normal people, but they didn't, and those thirty stitches in her leg hurt. So did her leg.

What would happen to her now? The Initiative... was that toast? Did they have things in hand now that Adam was gone? Would Riley really be sent somewhere else, like he figured?

Too many questions. She needed to simplify things. Pain bad, Adam bad and exploded. Riley... nice. She didn't want to stay in Buffy's town. She didn't want to be alone anymore. Steve's couch was lumpy.

Nobody was trying to push her into being anything now. No more Penny pushing for her to become the best Slayer that she could. If she left, no Buffy pushing for her to be the bad girl, everything a Slayer shouldn't be, a failure. No more Giles pushing her to be a dark-haired Buffy. No more Dick pushing her to be his perfect little killer princess. What would she do with her life, if nobody was pushing her to be what they wanted?

She'd still be a Slayer, right up until she died. That wasn't something that she could change. Dark hair was also fine... she needed more sleep. What did her hair color have to do with anything? Since she was going to be a Slayer, she wanted to be a good, effective Slayer that didn't get killed any time soon, but she didn't want to be Buffy, not anymore. She didn't want to be like Buffy either. "I'm Faith, the Slayer. Nobody else."

Riley walked in, dropping himself into a chair. "Urggh. Initiative's closing. The whole operation, and it's being classified."

"So, I follow the closing thing. Scary project run rampant, people dead, bad idea," Faith nodded, wondering if Riley's words would make more sense if she'd got some sleep. "Classified? Running on no sleep here."

"Not only are they closing it down, they're wrapping it up in red tape and shoving it into the deepest, darkest bureaucratic hole they can, and telling everybody that we're not allowed to talk about it. If we do, they'll toss us into another deep, dark hole. One with bars on the windows." Riley looked about as happy as she felt, though he didn't seem to be in as much pain. He had picked up some injuries, though none of them looked serious.

"Will you be posted somewhere else?" Faith asked, deciding that he didn't need to talk more about the mess of Adam, painful injuries, dead friends, or monsters in the high school.

"Probably." For what felt like a long time, he just sat there, watching her. "Were you serious, last night?"

Faith blinked, her mind flickering through hazy memories. "There was a lot of last night. Which part do you mean? Hospitals as public domain, hell yeah. Kill the demons before they get me, damn straight. Give me Jell-O and whipped cream, no."

"I... think I must have missed that one," Riley blushed, for a few moments looking everywhere but at Faith. "I meant about asking if you could go with me to wherever I go next."

"Sure. There's nothing to keep me here, and a bunch of reasons to leave. I might as well go somewhere with a familiar face, someone to try to keep me from going too far into the dark, you know?"

"I could get sent to a war zone," Riley cautioned.

For a few moments, Faith thought about the various war movies that she'd seen, and Sunnydale. Looking at Riley, she arched an eyebrow, muttering "As opposed to the nice, safe Hellmouth?"

"When you put it that way... I guess it might not be that bad to get sent to a war-zone. It certainly couldn't be more dangerous," Riley admitted. "But they might not want to let you go. Civilians - which you as you aren't military personnel with a chain of command, uniform, and paycheck - you are a civilian, are not supposed to hang out in war-zones. It might be unsafe."

"No chain of command means they can't tell me not to," Faith countered.

"If you still want to go, it might be nice to have someone around who knows what happened here, what's out there in the dark," Riley sounded thoughtful. "Someone who won't think I'm paranoid and crazy if I jump at shadows."

"It's not paranoia if they really are hiding scary things with big teeth," Faith insisted.

"You were right." Riley looked at her, his eyes serious.

"Of course..." Faith grinned, pausing as her leg throbbed. "Right about what?"

"I do care about you. Maybe not the way you're used to, maybe not the way that I should, but I care," Riley admitted.

"Umm... how do you care?" Faith asked, feeling confused.

"In confusion. I don't understand you, I can't understand how you could do some of what you did, and I know you want to do better, to be better. And I want you to do better, to be... I don't know. But... I don't..." Riley faltered, the words tangling on his lips. "I don't want you to fall into bad habits, not because they're easier, or because you figure you won't last long enough for them to come back to haunt you."

"I'm a Slayer. Most don't last a year after getting Chosen. I don't get happily ever after, I don't get miserable ever after. I get this thing, where I have to fight and kill or die, and in the end, I'm going to die anyhow. Most likely, it's going to hurt a hell of a lot when it happens," Faith paused, thinking back to her earlier days, when she'd looked though some of the books Penny had tried to hide. The ones that old how quickly new Slayers were Called, and how messy their deaths tended to be. "I just want more than a long list of fights, injuries, and I killed him or them before they got me when my time's up, you know? A couple times to look back on and say, yeah, that was good."

"What would you have done with your life if you weren't a Slayer?" Riley asked.

Faith pondered his words. "I don't know. I was raised to know, to expect to be a Slayer. If I hadn't... the potentials who don't get called sometimes go on to become martial arts instructors, bodyguards. I heard some went into monster hunting anyhow... They generally last about like a Slayer, maybe less."

"What would you be doing right now, in a world without monsters?" Riley's words were soft, wistful. "Forrest, Graham and I would be sitting back, talking about the weekend, teasing Forrest about saying the wrong thing and getting himself in trouble, teasing Graham about saying nothing."

"I can't even imagine," Faith whispered. "It would be nice to figure out, but... you know, too late for that kind of thing."

"Who are you, besides a Slayer?" Riley asked, his voice soft.

"You paid attention in those psych classes, didn't you?" Faith accused, not quite glaring.

"Yeah. But you were Faith before you became a Slayer, and you're still Faith. What else is there besides a Slayer?" Riley insisted.

"I don't know anymore," Faith whispered.

Riley gave her a small smile. "Maybe you can find out?"

Yeah, maybe she could. More than a Slayer, beyond the fun-loving bad girl that didn't need to care, that didn't need to stay. Beyond the scared girl who'd run from Kakistos.

It was time for her to rediscover who Faith really was.

End F&SC20: A Chance to Find Herself.