Homieo and Julie
A One-Act Play by Rebecca Smith
Characters:
Mrs. Cappa: No specific acting notes.
Mr. Cappa: No specific acting notes.
Julie: Airheaded, ditzy,and blonde. and An actress who can be all that and overly perky at the same time should fit this part well.
Random Passerby: No acting notes.
Homieo: Someone who can act nerdy. See Julie.
Hobo: No acting notes; looks dirty, is wearing three coats, has a shopping cart filled with random items.
Joe: He's a gangster and well, more like a gangster wanna-be. One that fails miserably.
Monty Homie #2: See Joe.
Ty Bolt: Someone who can act haughty and arrogant should fit this part.
Police: No acting notes
Assorted Cappas and Monties: No acting notes
Setting: America, 2005; Scenery: There are different areas in the
play, so either an outdoor scene or an abstract or solid color backdrop.
Props: shopping cart with random items, vegetables (can be plastic),
candy and chocolate bars, flower petals, three bottles, inflatable
sword, fruit basket, apple
ACT I
Mrs. Cappa, Mr. Cappa, and Julie enter
Mrs. Cappa: Julie! We have wonderful news!
Mr. Cappa: Yes! We've finally found you a husband!
Julie: No! This is America, 2005! Arranged marriages are, like, so out!
Mrs. Cappa: Don't worry, Julie, we picked out a very nice young man. We really think you are going to like him.
Mr. Cappa: Yes, you will. His name is France.
Julie: Wait a second! Isn't that, like, a state or something?
Mr. Cappa: Well, at least she's smart! I didn't even know that when I was her age!
Mrs. Cappa (to Julie): Just give him a chance. We're hosting a dance tonight so you can meet him.
Julie: (shrugs Well, it doesn't hurt to meet him, I guess!
Exit Mrs. and Mr. Cappa
Julie: (to no one in particular I can't believe I'm getting married! To a state! I hope he's not all brawn and no brains. I'm looking for a guy who likes to read and, like, frolic amongst the flowers!
Exit Julie
Later, at the dance, but the scenery is the same
Julie: Hold on a second! This is the dance! Shouldn't the scenery be different?
A Random Passerby walks by
Random Passerby: No, you see, this is a one-act play. There's only one setting and one basic conflict.
Julie: (looks confused Uhhh……okay. Thanks.
Random Passerby: No problem.
Exit Random Passerby
Suddenly a bunch of people come onstage and begin to dance, and a disco ball comes down from the ceiling
Julie: Oh, it looks like the dance is starting.
Julie walks up to first guy she sees, who just happens to be Homieo
Julie: Hi! Who are you? Want to dance?
Homieo: Uh……sure.
Both Homieo and Julie stand awkwardly in the middle of the stage
Julie: So do you know how to dance?
Homieo: Nope.
Julie: Me neither.
long pause
Julie: What's your name?
Homieo: My name's Richard, but my friends call me Homieo.
Julie: Do you have a last name?
Homieo: Uh, yeah, it's uhh…… coughs Monty.
Julie: loudly Monty? Cool!
A bunch of people stop dancing and give Julie strange looks, start to whisper, then continue dancing
Julie: So, do you have any hobbies or anything?
Homieo: Well, I like to read, and frolic amongst the flowers.
Julie: gasps REALLY? I love you! Let's get married!
Homieo: WHAT MARRIED! Aren't you rushing into things?
Julie: Oh, yeah. waits about five seconds Let's get married!
Homieo: But you're a Cappa! And I'm a lowers voice Monty.
Julie: BUT IT'S DENSITY!
Homieo: (whispers It's destiny.
Julie: Oh, right! It's DESTINY!
Homieo: (shrugs Oh, okay. In that case, let's find someone to marry us!
Homieo pushes his way through the crowd, over to where one man is sitting by himself with a tin can. He is wearing three coats and has a shopping cart of assorted items.
Homieo: Yo, Holy Dude. It is I, Homieo.
Hobo: Who are you anyway?
Homieo: I'm Homieo. Aren't you the priest?
Hobo: Umm……no, I'm a hobo.
Homieo: Yeah, hobo, priest, friar, pastor- call it what you will. You see, I've got this girlfriend and we need to get married. Okay, I'll bring her here. See ya later.
Hobo looks confused
Homieo returns, pulling Julie by the arm through the crowd to the hobo
Julie: Ok, we're ready! Marry us!
Hobo: Uh……Alakazam. There. You're married.
Homieo and Julie hug
Julie: Yay! We're married!
Homieo: Woot!
Both stand staring at each other
Homieo: So……what now?
Julie: Well, it looks like the dance is over.
Both see that everyone except the Hobo and themselves is gone
Julie: Either that or it's a new scene.
Homieo: What?
Julie: Well, not exactly a new scene. You see, this is a one-act play, so the scene never really changes.
Homieo: (gives Julie strange look Play? What are you talking about?
Julie: Oh, never mind. I don't really get it myself. Some random passerby came and explained it to me.
Homieo: You can't trust everything you hear, you know. There are some pretty weird people out there.
Julie: (happilyOkay!
Homieo and Julie walk back over to where the crowd of people had been before
Hobo: (watches as they leave with a shocked expression and shakes his head, then pinches himself
Exit Hobo
Back with Homieo and Julie, Homieo sees Joe and Monty Homie #2 and greets them
Homieo: Yo! Meet my new wife!
Julie: (waves excitedly Hi!
Joe: I'm Monty Homie #1, but everyone calls me Joe.
MH2: I'm Monty Homie #2, but everyone calls me Monty Homie #2.
Julie: Nice to meet you My name's……OOH, LOOK! SOMETHING SHINY!
Julie runs offstage and Homieo follows her
Joe: See ya, Homieo!
Enter Ty Bolt
Ty: Homie-o? That loser?
MH2: It's Ty Bolt Cappa, known to his fellow Cappas as that Weirdo Julie's Cousin!
Joe: Hey, don't be insulting our homie-dude!
Ty: I just did.
MH2: You trying to start something?
Ty: Maybe¦
Joe: That makes no sense!
Ty: Neither do you.
Joe: Neither do our veggies! Get him, boys!
The Monty clan proceeds to throw random vegetables, such as carrots, asparagus, and Brussels sprouts at Ty
Ty: I don't think I like your vegetables! I will now pelt you with assorted candies, such as truffles and Godiva chocolate bars.
Ty throws chocolate bar and hits Joe in the head. Joe falls to the ground in pain.
Joe: Guys! He hit me. I'm melting. Oh, wait, wrong play. I'm dying! Avenge me! AVENGE ME!
Enter Homieo
Homieo: Hi guys, I'm -- Joe! No!falls to knees beside the now dead JoeI will avenge you!
Homieo rises to his feet
Homieo: Ty, brother, you killed my man here, with chocolate. Now, you will pay. I shall scatter flowers at your feet. One sniff will cause you to die a horrible, bloody death.
Homieo scatters flower petals and Ty falls dead
Monty Homie #2 looks at Ty's body and passes out
Homieo: I……I killed him. I've never even killed a bug, but I killed him! falls to knees again FORGIVE ME!
Enter Police
Homieo: It wasn't me! The Flying Hamsters made me do it!
Police #1: (whispering Should we arrest him, or send him to the mental hospital?
Police #2: Arrest him.
Police #1 puts handcuffs on Homieo
Police #1: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney.
Homieo: (screaming I PLEAD INSANITY! I WAS INSANE AT THE TIME, HONEST!
Police #2: Never mind. This man defiantly needs to be institutionalized.
Police #1: Homieo, you are hereby banished to the Mantua Mental Hospital.
Homieo: But…but…but…the hobo just married us!
Police #2: Now we have even more evidence to support our decision.
Homieo: JULIE!
Enter Julie
Julie: Yes?
Homieo: Sorry, but I've been banished to Mantua Mental Hospital.
Julie: Oh, that sucks. I think I'll kill myself.
Homieo: Yeah, good idea! That will solve everything! But do you think We'll see each other again?
Julie: No. Probably not. But you don't have to leave yet. That is not the sun. It is… no, wait, that is the sun. See ya!
Homieo: (shrugs Oh, okay. Bye!
Police drag Homieo off
Julie: BYE! Oh, and by the way, I'm getting married to France tomorrow.
Enter Hobo
Hobo: Oh, great. Not you again.
Julie: Oh, Holy Man, I am seeking your religious assistance, dude! I'm married, but I'm supposed to get married tomorrow too. Now, that doesn't really work for me.
Hobo: Chick, I don't know what your problem is, but there is this wicked cool poiso- umm, I mean potion… yeah, potion… it'll kill you. Julie gasps but only for, like, a day, lady. Here's some.
Hobo drinks potion and falls to ground
Julie: (shrugs and takes bottleWell, I won't have to marry France if I'm dead! begins to pace back and forthBut maybe I should consider the consequences. What a big word, consequences! Oh, yeah consequences. Let me think, what will happen? Umm, I could die. That would suck. I could wake up
surrounded by dead bodies. That would suck, too. This couldn't even work, so I would have to marry a
state. Well, that's about it!
Julie chugs contents of bottle and immediately falls to the ground, and everything goes dark. When the lights come back on, enter Homieo
Homieo: Julie! I escaped to see you! Hey, wake up! I'm talking to you! kneels down pokes Julie
repeatedly, then checks her pulseWhat do you know, she really is dead! I'd better die, too. Good thing I
always carry poison with me, just in case of emergency!pulls bottle out of jacket and drinks it, then falls
dead
Julie wakes up
Julie: Oh man, my husband's dead! Maybe he has more poison to kill me, too. (takes another bottle out of Homieo's jacket and drinks it, then waits) This poison is defective, I'm not dead yet! What is this stuff anyway? (reads bottle) Children's Triaminic Cold and Cough Medicine. What the heck? Well, I bet he has a dagger with him. (removes inflatable sword from jacket and stabs self repeatedly) This isn't working, either! Wait, it's just an inflatable toy! I guess they're pretty strict about the weapons you can have in an insane asylum. (begins to pace) Well, all this suicide is making me hungry.sees basket of fruit Aw, how sweet, someone sent me a fruit basket! (takes out apple labeled From the Wicked Witch, takes a bite, and drops dead)
Enter Mrs. Cappa, Mr. Cappa, MH2, and Assorted Cappas and Monties
Mrs. Cappa: Oh look, Julie's dead.
Monty Homie #2: So is Homieo……wait a sec, his wife was named Julie? She's a Cappa?
Mr. Cappa: Julie was married!
Monty Homie #2: Oh, you didn't know?
Mrs. Cappa: Well, at least the problem is eliminated.
Mr. Cappa: No, it's not! Cappas and Monties aren't allowed to associate!
MH2: He's right! And we might as well continue fighting, because We've got nothing better to do! DIE!
Monties and Cappas pelt each other with vegetables and assorted chocolates
Fin