All the Dirty Pretty Things, a sailor moon fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon

"All the Dirty Pretty Things"

o-o-o-o-o

In the middle of the night, hidden deep down beneath her heavy, pink colored blanket, Usagi bites down on the edge of her pillow as hard as she can only to stop the scream that was threatening to form and come out through her lips.

Enough.

She had enough.

I'm not made for the big things, she thought, no, she was supposed to somehow finish high school, if possible enroll into some college and get on with life as everybody else did. But Fate once again - fate that she didn't believe in at first, not at all - decided to toy with her ideas of normal and took away all those seemingly simple dreams.

Instead she got the mission of being an eternal protector of the planet Earth, to play the role of a guardian angel. She didn't ask for it and she got it anyway - she got that perfect tale that she dreamed about when she was just a kid, but that tale was so far off from the definition she read about in books that whispered about fairy-tales, love that lasts forever and about human greatness...

Because of that she was lying here, abandoned by the world and herself. Too much of it gathered and piled up - tiredness, loneliness, constant nervousness - and now to add to it the past settled on her heart guiding it into a downward spiral with no end. The past was so heavy on her little shoulders, so much if pressed more it could kill her, crush her bones and melt down her skin - torturing her so. With a sigh, exhausted to the very core Usagi faced the wall and closed her eyes in a try to chase away the fear and angst by sleeping.

Without success.

o-o-o-o-o

"I don't know," she said, "you looked as if you were somewhat sad.."

The prince smiled at her, the expression on his face warm, although barely there. "I'm fine. But are you?" Was that maybe care on his face?

"I'm fine too." She answered him, a bit too fast, rushed and stepped away from him.

He looked hurt for a moment, but it was such a fleeting expression on his face that she wasn't sure if she saw it or not and even if it was honest.

"I'm sorry, Endy -"

"Shh.." He whispered, and his fingers touched her lips and she asked herself if he was going to kiss her, finally, and she knew that in some way he shouldn't, not really but -

He chuckled a bit, looking around and this time it was him who stepped away leaving her alone and cheated and so suddenly in love to the bones she thought she could cry.

o-o-o-o-o

Even now, Usagi felt herself being cheated over, completely from head to toes because of a kiss that didn't happen, and it should have, he should of have kissed her because the very next moment they lost that chance forever.

But nothing made sense in her head anymore, because her nerves were strained to the point of breaking, and she was feeling strange coldness sneaking directly under her skin but not deep enough to enter her blood like a deadly poison.

She didn't want those memories anymore then she wanted to be Sailor Moon. Memories are not for people like her, because she usually only remembers the beginning and sometimes she loved living in those past beginnings. She never saw the ends. Until now, and now that she was aware how dirty and dark it was and so very unchangeable - she wanted to erase it from her head, forever.

Do you rather wish to forget, she asked herself, her hands seeking out the ends of her long hair between the sheets - would you rather forget the things made with love, things you wanted but now you wish you haven't wasted your time and thoughts on? Would you really forget all that?

How would it be if she was to live her life free from all the heavy things? What if she could go out with a boy and not remember her first love, from so long ago, a love so true, not to recall the first man she loved and was stolen from her - the man she has once again by her side, although sometimes she sees it more like duty which is sad and devastating, instead of looking at it as if they were given a second chance for love that was supposed to be, before.

What if the memory of skating wouldn't bring the thorns in her heart even deeper every time the snow would fall? What if the memories of her past mother and her former-current guardian, Luna, wouldn't remind her of a love and understanding she once had?

There was a time, long ago when she didn't get out of bed in the morning haunted by the things of past. There was a time when she wasn't destroyed and ruined by love, friendship or fated purpose of her life. There was a time when she was happy, a brave Usagi that did the right things because good things happened to good people. Once she was if not happy, capable of being happy at least.

But that was so long ago that she wasn't able to remember who she really was.

Was she always this sick? This tired and sad? If yes why didn't anyone tell something - why wasn't she dragged into the hospital and tried to be saved? Either she was very good at hiding it or they merely considered it to be another part of her.

What I need now, she thought, is time. Time to sleep and to shut myself up.

But there was no time, any moment now there could come a call from the Senshi that they needed her. There wasn't enough time to get some sleep - even if she did manage to fall asleep, the Senshi would probably wake her up and that would be bad because it would only bring more scowling and she wouldn't be completely concentrated on the fighting, and everything would go wrong..

She didn't know why sleep at all anymore. Now that she was afraid to close her eyes because what she saw at night was so much worse that the things she saw over the day, awake.

And the time to shut herself up?

She wasn't sure, but she knew that she silenced her true self the very day she met Luna. Everyone else could say whatever they wanted, that this was meant to be and that she was made to play this part but she wasn't.. And no matter how hard she tried, a quest to shut herself up was a success, but a quest to shut out everybody else wasn't.

And now, the picture of the Prince flew through her head, his lifeless body frozen in the air and she felt breathless - like someone was breaking her bones, opened her veins leaving all the blood to run out, burned her and cut her throat - she felt like she was dying, the picture of that awful memory dancing in her inner mind, just for her. She felt like she was dying and it pained so much that she wasn't actually feeling anything at all. She couldn't even feel her heart fighting in her chest.

The sound of beep broke the silence of the room, not so far away from her head, and Usagi picked up the beeper with heavy hands, pressing the response button. Ami's face appeared on the screen and Usagi recognized the hard look in her eyes, similar to that when Ami studied, focused only on overcoming the obstacle in front of her.

"Where?" She barely managed to say, she was still short of breath.

"Juban park." Ami said and disappeared, the screen turning black. Again, Usagi wondered stupidly, but the very next moment she was already up - how did she get up? - the sheet and the blanket wrapped around her and she walked to the window. The pink light surrounded her for a second and then she was in the air leaving the open window behind and a silent plea for the memories to leave her room by the time she gets back.

In the next couple of minutes she was at the scene of the battle, already curled up on the ground, empty and filled with the storm inside, filled with the screaming agony of losing.

With no rest, with no sleep in her, sick from despair she raised herself to her legs and the last part of energy flowed through her veins almost leaving her paralyzed when she understood that she simply had too much energy as Sailor Moon, or the Princess and thus, she can never have her end.

With an empty look, her eyes dark, she observed the Senshi, her friends and the figure in black that came to help, and with great disappointment, Usagi noted that she has had enough again.

And she knew why.

Till the rest of my life, she thought brokenly, I'll remember this moment. I'll remember this ending - this is what I call feeling dead and keeping on living. Her heart was broken before, not always because of love, but this was different. Everything in her was breaking, and the things that made her were cracking up slowly inside, and to her it sounded like the sound of a shattering glass.

Successfully they managed, she managed, to fight off this attack too and then, Mamoru was next to her, because she collapsed after the drainage of power on the hard ground. She could hear him asking her if she was all right and she nodded instead of answering, but stood up with his help, even though she wasn't all right.

"I love you," she whispered, sure of the fact he can't hear her, her hands going over his face, his shoulders and his hands, because she had the dying need to feel him more than anything else. "I love you.", she repeated in herself.

He couldn't hear her, he just nodded to her response that she's fine, ignoring her hands and her touches he pressed one brief kiss to her forehead and then he was gone. It wasn't everything for nothing, she consoled herself, but her act looked so small that it was nothing, and her hands were still shaking.

It hurt her inside, every bone in her body because she was trying so hard to forget the girl she once was, and to forget the people that once knew her. With no farewell she left the circle the Senshi formed and she could hear Rei protesting because of that and Minako trying to quiet her down in the dead of the night..

And here she was again. In her room, in the darkness, in the embrace of loneliness. Usagi never thought of herself as someone capable of doing great things, she wanted her life simple without too much hardships but with enough of them to learn all the lesson worth knowing. She didn't ask for the schooling to last this long and for the lessons to be this hard.

And of course that her plea before she left was completely ignored, because memories ate her up alive the moment she lowered her body on the bed and closed her eyes. She wanted to erase them from her head, because that wasn't the place they belonged to - they belonged thousand years in the past, the belonged to some other version of Usagi and some other version of Mamoru.

Once, a long time ago, Usagi from before would want to know in how many pieces is Mamoru able to break her life. She would probably ask is she would miss him if he were to go away, and how many tears she would cry because of him, and if she would wish to die without him by her side.

Usagi from before, before all of this that Fate dealt her, would ask just how thoroughly would Mamoru break her naive, pretty heart. But that Usagi wasn't here anymore, she didn't exist and now her memories all mixed in her mind, flashing between the one from the Moon Kingdom, where Mamoru was dead and between the one from several minutes ago where he was alive but she was the one who was dead.

This Usagi, because of that let herself share her tears with the night, again, share them with her loneliness and lost dreams, hopes and wishes and laid one hand over her fluttering heart in her heaving chest.

With a voice so old, tired and so broken she asked herself just how much she would break Mamoru's heart this time around.

o-o-o-o-o

AN: Second installment for today. I have really took too much time away from SM stories. And I started again, letting myself be wrapped up in the pain of Usagi's world, because angst is something I simply adore writing.

I hope only that it wasn't too dark and that someone liked it.

Anisa