Harry Potter- Flobberworm Doctor Extraordinaire

By: Marauding Moonbabe

"I dare ya." Ron said, holding a particularly thick, grubby looking worm. "No, I am not eating that." Harry said, holding his nose to bar the putrid smell. "Oh, don't be a baby. You might like it. I've head the aftertaste is like treacle tart. And if you don't eat it, I'll tell Ginny that you're too chicken to choke down a Flobberworm."

This convinced Harry immediately. He did not want his girlfriend, Ginny Weasley, thinking he wasn't strong enough to eat a worm. So he reluctantly took the thick worm from Ron's fingers and held it a few inches from his face. He seemed to go cross-eyed from staring at the bland worm. Then, he opened his mouth slowly, as if his jaw was a rusty door hinge, and put the worm into his mouth. The skipped the chewing process and swallowed it whole, feeling it wriggle down his throat.

"Cheesecake?"

"Harry, my name is Ronald Bilius Weasley. Where on this good earth did you make cheesecake out of that?"

"No, cheesecake. The aftertaste is like cheesecake."

Ron simply stared at Harry for saying that flobberworms tasted like cheesecake. Harry spoke, "Where are the rest of the flobberworms?" Ron wordlessly pointed to a large barrel filled with the disgusting creatures. Harry closely inspected another worm.

"Hermione."

"Yes, Harry?"

"What do you know about flobberworms?"

"Well, according to Fantastic Magical Beats and Where to Find Them, a flobberworm is a thick brown worm reaching up to ten inches in length that lives in damp ditches and moves very little. One end is indistinguishable from another, both producing the disgusting mucus from which its name was derived and which is used to thicken potions. It eats almost any vegetation, but it likes lettuce the best."

"Okay, I need lettuce and piece of duct-tape Ron."

"What the heck is duck tarp?"

"Duct-tape. It's the redneck way of improvising for magic."

"I'll trust you with that. Duck tarp coming right up."

Harry nodded as he was handed some nearly rotten lettuce. He stuffed it down the throat of the thick worm and wrapped the duct-tape around an abrasion on the flobberworm's side. He kissed the flobberworm good-bye and set it free. "Who's next?"

And so the rest of the day was spent with Harry healing flobberworms, his favorite part kissing the thick, ugly worms. He, in fact, broke up with Ginny because she was too time-consuming, and would distract him from his noble work. Hermione and Ron thoroughly thought that their friend had cracked. Harry had eyes for none other than his patients, so he noticed none of their whispering. Then, there was one unmistakably female flobberworm, his last patient, which seemed to whisper the name Nickolai Doayle.

When he had finished carefully tending to her nearly severed tail, he kissed her once, twice, three times. He simply could not stop. Finally, he admitted his deep feelings. "Nickolai Doayle, I love you forever and always. Will you marry me, my darling?" The flobberworm made an indistinguishable wriggle as Harry nearly leapt for joy.

During twilight, Patrick Parkinson, Pansy Parkinson's father, the only one willing to marry a flobberworm, happily married Harry and Nickolai. Then, when Harry was kissing the lucky flobberworm bride, he kissed a bit too hard. He felt his bride slide down his throat slowly, her tiny dress sticking to his throat. Harry choked out a sob. He had eaten the love of his life He had no more purpose.

Hermione ran up to him. "Oh Harry, I am so sorry, but after all, you knew that she would have a shorter life span than you. If there is anything I can do to help, please tell me. Oh, and you may want to get some laxative; that wedding dress is going to really stubborn."

Then, Harry noticed… "The aftertaste. Oh lord, the cheesecake aftertaste." His face turned a sickly green, and he clapped his hand to his mouth while running into the woods. He slowly walked out after a few long moments wiping his mouth. Ron mumbled something incomprehensible about needing to meet Luna in the Great Hall and ran off.

"Looks like you won't need laxative after all, Harry." He glared at Hermione. A strange thought came to mind. 'She is a lot prettier than Nickolai. I wonder what kissing her would do…" Hermione interrupted his thoughts. "Harry, you are going to have to move on, preferably without flobberworms. Think of what your children would look like. Really, you are a lot better off not dating flobberworms. Preferably humans, but anything with a slightly human appearance would be acceptable."

"Really? Well, how about you? You aren't human, you're a lot better than them." Harry said without really thinking. Hermione gasped with a questioning look in her eyes. "You can't mean that. You simply can't."

"When where my actions directed by what I could and couldn't do?"

"Never." And with that, Harry finally overcame his obsession with flobberworms. With that simple kiss, the life of Harry Potter- Flobberworm Doctor Extraordinaire was changed forever.