We can do no great things – only small things with great love. –Mother Teresa

Small things

He's asleep - thank the moons and stars of Alderaan. It only took three days, but Ben is finally asleep.

And I'm not. I should be in a coma right now, but I find that I cannot take my eyes off him. If it's possible, he is more beautiful now than I've ever seen him.

His blonde hair sticks up in exactly the same place that Luke's does in the morning. His slow steady breaths are warm against my cheek and his pudgy, perfect hand twitches slightly as I type this entry in the dark.

I didn't know that children have a smell, but they do. It is a mixture of softness and sweat and innocence.

Of course, it didn't seem so soft and innocent at this time yesterday as we were well into the throes of the child-who-will-not-sleep crisis.

It started the night that Ben and the other children came home from the Maw. We had decided to move out of the cave and back into the Jade Shadow – much safer, we thought. A controlled environment.

I am not usually a heavy sleeper. Spending most of your life in a state of combat readiness or simply trying to stay alive tends to keep a person on their toes. But falling into bed at the end of a galactic war lends itself to deeper sleep, I guess.

The truce was reached weeks ago, but the war was not over, not for me, until Ben came home. Perhaps that was why I didn't recognize his voice that first night.

I'd heard the sound for two years in dreams, and nightmares. He was crying. In my dreams, he had simply bumped his leg or scraped his finger and needed me to kiss it and make it better. In the nightmares, he was lying at the bottom of some Force-forsaken sacrificial pit…

The sound jolted me awake. It only took a second for the haze of sleep disorientation to clear and to realize that the sound was real. He was crying, but not from the Maw or the clutches of the Yuuzhan Vong…from across the corridor.

With an infinite sigh of relief, I flung off the covers and hurried to his cabin. He looked so tiny in the adult-sized bunk, clutching his little blanket.

"It's all right," palming for the lights, I gathered him into my arms. "I'm here, sweetie. Don't cry."

He buried he face into my shoulder dampening my sleep tunic with his tears. Not that I minded. "Where Te-oh?" he asked my shoulder.

My heart froze for just a moment. I would be forever grateful to my colleagues for caring for my son and keeping him safe…and forever aware of how much of his life I had missed.

Tionne had warned me that this first night at home could be a little rough. I brushed damp hair away from his cheeks and rocked him gently, "It's nighttime and she's asleep. You can play with her tomorrow."

He pushed himself away and looked up at me with a sudden twinkle in his eyes, "We pway? We pway now?"

"No, honey," I explained gently, "It's time to sleep now. We'll play in the morning."

"No. I pway now. Okay?" Before I could stop him, he jumped down and rushed to the toy bin. "You pway wif me, Momma. Okay. We pway!" He started pulling toys from the bin like a jawa in search of hidden treasure at a droid repository.

"Well…all right…just for a minute…" I joined him on the floor as he piled my arms full of miniature X-wings and flimsy-sabers. Something in the back of my mind told me that this was not a good idea, but I shrugged it off and credited it to first-night-home jitters. And so we played.

By the time morning arrived, we had exhausted every toy and game, explored every centimeter of the Jade Shadow, and reached the galley to find Luke, still in his sleep pants, stirring cups of caf. "Good morning," he smiled. "You two are up early."

I restrained a comment about how well-rested he looked and took a cup of caf gratefully, "You have no idea. This boy has been non-stop since 0200 hours."

"Really? Is he all right?" Luke scooped Ben into his arms with a look of concern.

"He's fine. Just a little excited to be home, I think."

After breakfast, Luke went for his morning walk and took Ben along, carrying him on his shoulders when Ben got tired of walking. I watched them through the viewport and worried, briefly, if Luke might be over-exerting himself. He had still not recovered completely from Shimrra's poisoned amphistaff. But their smiles and laughter were so bright in the Force that Luke could have been sustained by happiness alone and not have noticed.

I bathed and dressed Ben for bed that night, thinking that he must be exhausted. He went to bed easily enough but appeared back in the common area of the Shadow mere minutes later, "I pway now! I pway wif Daddy!"

Three hours later, we realized that putting a two year-old to bed is an elusive skill, even for a Jedi Master. We gaped at our bouncing son…dumbfounded.

"Okay," I turned to Luke, "how did your aunt and uncle put you to bed?"

"Well," he paused thoughtfully. "Aunt Beru would put me in my nightclothes-"

"Did that-"

"and tell me a story-"

"The Little Podracer Who Could – five times-"

"and maybe drink some warm milk…"

We'd done that, too. Twice.

"What about you?" Luke asked. "Surely you remember that much."

"Are you kidding me? It was all nannies and officers and droids and…Sith lords. And if someone like Palpatine or Vader tells you to go to bed, you don't argue about it!"

Luke did a double-take, "My father put you to bed?"

"No!" I sighed, exasperated. "You know what I mean."

That night was no better than the one before and I was more than grateful when Tionne visited the next morning to check on Ben.

"This is a difficult time for him," she reassured. "Children his age thrive on routine and his whole world has just been rearranged. He'll sleep when he gets tired."

He'll sleep when he gets tired.

Famous last words.

Now, I haven't figured this one out yet, but somehow Luke and Ben managed to take a nap in the forest that day. Luke blamed it on the soothing effects of Sekot. I, who had not had a nap, was not impressed.

I'm a little fuzzy on the details of Night Number Three, but I do remember crawling into bed beside Luke in the early morning hours.

"Is he asleep?" Luke murmured.

"No. He's playing light-tag with Artoo." I turned to face him in the semi-darkness, "You know. Palpatine had it all wrong. He didn't need us."

Luke cocked an eyebrow.

"He didn't need Moffs or stormtroopers or Hands…or even Sith apprentices. He could have conquered the entire galaxy much faster with nothing more than an army of toddlers. Toddlers who will not sleep."

Luke raised up on one elbow, "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. I have just realized that the ultimate weapon in the galaxy is nothing more technical than small children. Children who have the power to keep their parents awake. Parents who are sleep-deprived are vulnerable. They'd do anything just to get to sleep. It's fool-proof-"

"Mara-?"

"Your father could have retired. He could have gone to his castle and…grown rose gardens."

"Rose gardens."

"Don't look at me like that! I've heard there are beautiful roses on Vjun."

"You're delirious."

"No, I am having a rare moment of clarity."

Luke just stared at me.

My rare moment of clarity turned into an even rarer moment of desperation when I commed Leia several hours later, "I can't do this."

"What?" she answered groggily. "What's wrong?"

"It's Ben."

That got her attention, "What's wrong with Ben?"

"Nothing. Except that he won't sleep. We've tried everything, Leia, and he just won't go to sleep." Swallowing my pride, I confessed, "Look, I'm not as young as I used to be and I can't stay awake for days on end. Don't tell your husband, or your brother, but I'm exhausted. I don't know what to do."

"Have you tried sleeping with him?"

"But all the holo references say not to do that. That he'll be spoiled. That he won't learn to comfort himself. That he won't develop a sense of self-esteem. That he-"

"Mara!" It was the tone of voice that could only be attributed to a Skywalker. "He is not a case study, he's your son." Leia leaned forward, looking amazingly like the lovely woman in her grandmother's holo journal, "What does your heart tell you?"

I nodded, breathing a silent whisper of gratitude. To hell with the kriffing holo references.

Ending the transmission, I found Ben and carried him to his room. Climbing into his bunk, I motioned for him to join me, "Come on, kiddo. It's time to go to sleep."

And he did. He crawled into the bed, curled up beside me, and fell fast asleep.

So here we are. I am amazed that such a small, simple act can bring such peace. Feeling completely content and finally drowsy, I wrap my arms around Ben, press my lips against his head and drift off to the sweet scent of his hair.