Disclaimer: "Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it."
(An: A challenge on the Nutboard was about a character's deepest darkest secrets... me being me, I had to make it about the Acolytes... this is an all-dialogue fic, so I'm sorry if it gets a bit confusing in spots.)
"ARGH!"
"What is it- Piotr? Are you all right?"
"Da, da..."
"Why did you go all red like that? And what was with the scream?"
"I am fine, John. I was just startled."
"By wh- you're not serious. A spider?"
"...da..."
"Mate, I hate to break it to you, but it's like one-millionth your size. And you're scared of it?"
"Yes..."
"Since when?"
"Forever... we do not have many bugs in the middle of Russia."
"So you're scared of spiders?"
"Well... yes. They have too many legs. Don't give me that look. Why do you think I did not tell you?"
"What's John guffawin' about?"
"Hello, Remy..."
"Who let the spider in?"
"Thank you..."
"Aw, mate, you shouldn't have gotten rid of it! We could've used it to blackmail Pete!"
"...We're talking about the same Pete, right? The six-foot tin man who can crush a steel rod with his bare hands?"
"Yep!"
"I must've had too much to drink... these hallucinations are really gettin' to me..."
"I'll show you hallucinations!"
"Go 'way, monkey boy. I need an aspirin."
"No! Somebody left a dead rabbit in my bed, and nobody's leaving this room until we find out who!"
"Why don't you just ask Vikky and get it over with?"
"Do not call him that, John. Sabertooth can and will eat you."
"And I care because...?"
"Move over, monkey."
"NOT A MONKEY!"
"Whether or not you're a monkey, you still need to move. I need an aspirin."
"You said that, Gambit."
"It bears repeating, Mastermind."
"It was you wasn't it!"
"Why would I put a dead rabbit- ACK!"
"What'd you do to him, Jason?"
"Showed him his greatest fear."
"Which is..."
"Pyro, you're too nosy for your own good."
"What iiiis it?"
"...Penguins, apparently."
"John, please get off the floor. I just swept it."
"So this was before you saw the spider?"
"I shall step on you if you do not shut up about that. And that would hurt."
"I don't doubt that, Petey."
"Stop calling me Petey!"
"All right... Pete."
"You're making his eye twitch, Pyro. I suggest you stop it."
"Go bother Vikky, Mastermind!"
"I can't! He's not here!"
"Probably because he put the dead rabbit there. Now move, Monsieur Malla!"
"...For once, Gambit, you're talking sense."
"Now get rid of the goddam penguins!"
"I can't believe you're scared of penguins!"
"It's a long story, ok? It involves fish. And the zoo. So don't ask!"
"Wasn't gonna, mate."
"So what's your greatest fear, John-boy?"
"As if I'm gonna tell you! This is my day for blackmail!"
"Oh, well. Come on, Pete. Let's let John plot in peace."
"But it is a bad idea to leave him alone with the microwave."
"This place is drafty anyway. We need a new HQ."
"Good point."
"Oh, good, they're gone... now, to rid this place of the sporky menace!"
(Short and insane. Juuuust how I like 'em. For the record, M. Mallah is a French ape-dude in... -shudders- DC-verse.)