Disclaimer: I do not own the Phantom of the Opera or any of its characters.

Chapter One

In Which There Are Mysterious Occurrences, and a Truth is Revealed

Christine Daae stood alone on the stage. She was clad in an angelic white gown, and her unruly curls were covered by a white snood decorated with small delicate flowers. The Phantom waited, breathless with anticipation. This was the moment he'd worked so hard for!

Christine held her posture in the way her teacher had instructed her. The orchestra played the introduction. It was time. She drew a deep breath, opened her mouth, and thundered in a deep basso profundo:

In the bar, in the bar

Where I smoked my first cigar,

And the nickels and the dimes rolled away.

It was there by chance

That I tore my Sunday pants,

And now I have to wear them every day.

Every Da-a-a-y, Every Day-ay!

And now I have to wear them every day.

She finished the piece with a loud belch, and fell into the orchestra pit. The racket it made cause several theater goers to stir in their sleep.

In box five, Raoul whistled and stomped, squealing shrilly "Encore! Encore!"

Madame Giry turned into a pelican and flew away.

The phantom moaned softly and walked back to his lair. He blew out all of the candles, one by one, and sat in the dark, rocking back and forth.

Morning came. The black lace bed curtain twitched slightly as the Phantom peeked cautiously from behind it. Satisfied that nothing was amiss, he arose and padded to the kitchen. Unseen, an entire platoon of lemmings, dressed in Hussar uniforms and wearing the most adorable bonnets slipped from under his bed and marched silently into the lake.

Erik ate his breakfast, and was absently tossing another fish to the pelican, when a great splashing and ululating sounded from the lake. Startled, he leapt to his feet, only to spy Meg Giry approaching, and calling his name. "Erik, oh Erik!" She howled, "ErikErikErikErik!" As there appeared to be little chance that she'd drown in the knee-deep water, no matter how hard he prayed, he reluctantly beckoned her to shore.

After she'd finished dripping water all over his costly Persian carpet, Meg remembered why she'd come.

"Have you seen my mother?" She asked the Phantom. "She's been missing since last night's performance." Erik glanced guiltily at the pelican. No, he lied. The pelican squawked indignantly and gave the Phantom a nasty peck before flying off, but Erik hardly noticed. Something else had caught his attention at the moment. Meg seemed to be growing larger, and her head was swelling to incredible proportions. "That's too bad Erik, that's really too bad!" Erik didn't like the way this was going one bit, and nervously felt around under his cloak for the lasso. "Yes, Erik….It's too bad, because now I'll have to EAT you! Yes! I'll have to eat you ALL UP with my huge, sharp, DRIPPING fangs! Oh Boy! YUM-YUM!

Now, if there's one thing that Erik knows, is when to use his Punjab lasso, and this was not one of those times. This seemed to be an ideal time to run, and that's just what he did. Blind panic lent wings to his feet, and he literally flew down the tunnels and passageways. He did not stop until he was completely winded. He would have leaned against the wall to steady himself, but the wall seemed to have turned into a rather morose looking cow, and he didn't have the heart to burden it further. The cow thanked him and left.

The tunnel began to look suspiciously like a diner at two AM on a Friday night. Erik began to cry. "What is happening?" He asked the waitress. She didn't answer, but squawked and gobbled up the fish she'd just served him. "Damn it, tell me! Why do these strange things keep happening to me?" Madame Giry preened her feathers, and cocked her head at him. "Because, dear Erik, this is a Phanfic, and you are the straight man. You are always thestraight man. Hadn't you noticed?

Erik looked around in bewilderment. "Noticed what?" Madame Giry didn't bother to answer him. She just laid an egg and waddled off to the pantry.

A/N: This is probably a one shot, as I'm happy with it just the way it is. However, if enough people like in, I may add more.