Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera in any size, shape or form, nor do I own any of its characters.

Chapter Two

A chapter which has little to do with the first chapter, and has been placed here despite the Authoress's threats to make it a one shot. Some people don't know when to quit.

Erik shifted and wrapped his cloak around himself. The tomb was freezing….and damp. Damp and freezing…with mould and cobwebs, and spiders…no, they were rats…wait….puppies?….uh, weasels? What the Hell were those things, anyway? Upon consideration, the roof of the tomb seemed like a much better place to wait for Christine. What was taking her so long, by the way? He'd dropped her off over an hour ago.

The rooftop provided a breathtaking view of the cemetery. He could see Christine dawdling along the cemetery pathways, singing to all the statues. Once more he wondered about possible head trauma from her childhood days. Surely it would explain a few things. Whatever her problem was, he wished she'd hurry up, for in the distance he could see something bad. Very bad. Raoul was approaching, riding bare-back on a white circus pony. His sequined leotard glittered in the early morning sunlight. It gave Erik a headache.

Suddenly from beneath his perch, he heard a thud and an "oof!". Sure enough, Christine had finally made it, and was lying face down on the marble steps of the tomb. Now would be a good time to pounce. He got into his very best pouncing stance, closed his eyes and sprang. As he'd planned, he landed on something soft and feminine. Something that smelled nice and had long, soft hair. Something….Raoul! Erik leapt to his feet, and drew his sword, deflecting Raoul's tennis racket in the nick of time.

Erik gritted his teeth. He couldn't get a good clean shot at the idiot. The fop twirled and danced, darting in and out of range, swatting the Phantom with his tennis racket at every opportunity. If only he'd hold still! Erik decided that fighting dirty was in order right about now, and whirled his cloak to confuse Raoul. Which is sort of like carrying coals to Newcastle, if you know what I mean, but I won't editorialize. It would have worked, too, except that the blasted cloak took on a life of its own. Up, up it rose, wrapping itself tightly around Erik' head. He couldn't see anything, and started flailing in wild fury. Augh!Augh! He yelled, in utter frustration. Raoul smiled with delight. "Augh!Augh!" He yelled, and matched Erik's wild gyrations perfectly.

"Augh!Augh!"Cried Erik, twisting and waving his sword..

"Augh!Augh!" Replied Raoul, twisting and waving his tennis racket.

"ClapClapClap"went Christine, keeping time with the strange duet.

"Augh!Clap!Augh!Clap!Augh!Clap!Augh!"

Erik began to feel small hard things strike his body, sort of like pebbles. Terrified of what they might be, he managed to tear the cloak from his head. There, completely surrounding the three of them was a large crowd , tossing coins. Mortified, Erik slunk over to the circus pony and caged a ride. He glanced over his shoulder as he rode, at the two of them still Clapping and Aughing, completely oblivious to his departure. They would pay for this indignity. The circus pony agreed with him, whole-heartedly. Back at the lair they began to make plans.

The circus pony turned out to be a bossy sort, and wanted to run the whole show. They got into a terrible fight, and the circus pony left in a huff, threatening to call the gendarmes. Erik got a cold compress and held it against his forehead. Madame Giry's last words to him echoed in his head: "Because this is a Phanfic, and you're the straight man! You're always the straight man! Squawk!"

Erik groaned. He had to something about this straight man business. He didn't want to be a straight man. Why couldn't he be a…a…crooked man, like everyone else? There had to be a remedy for this affliction. Somewhere there was help to be had! If it was out there, he'd find it, he vowed! After all, he was the Phantom, and he would not allow such things to keep happening to him! The cold compress turned into a lamprey and latched on to the top of his head. "Augh!" Shrieked Eric.