Hello. In case it was a bit confusing in the last chapter, I translated the "witless woe" part into: Nakaura is trying to convince himself that he can keep up his everything-is-normal-and-I'm-happy-really sham but the sadness inside is not fooled. Anywaaay, it was kind of hard to write this chapter because I was thinking about what to do for the next three chapters and my mind went blank when it came to doing this one.
Very short chapter, I'm sorry!
And I wept both night and day
And he wiped my tears away
And I wept both day and night
And hid from him my hearts delight
"Thank you Nakaura-san; that was an excellent service as always."
"Ah, you're very kind, Masaki-san."
Another member of the congregation came to talk with him. "Nakaura-san, glad to see you're back; we missed you last week."
"Thank you."
Nakaura finally extracted himself from the group as they began to chat with someone else. He sat in the pews and listened to the quiet hum of voices but he did not follow the words; he was too busy with internal strife. What would he do about Amou? He gazed up at the alter glowing golden with a huge beautiful stained glass window behind it, filtering in the sun in bright hues, throwing blue and emerald and crimson lights across the faces of the congregation.
The priest laced his fingers tightly in his lap and bowed his head. God, he prayed. What am I to do? Lord, I…I've fallen in love with one of your angels. It's a sin, I know it has to be but…I can't stop. I can't stop loving him. Give me guidance, Lord.
There was silence but he was used to that. But there was not just quiet there was absence. He had always felt his god near him before but now…
Lord?
Nothing.
Lord, are you displeased with me? I'm trying to end this…infatuation. I love him as a friend but this other kind of love, it is wrong, I know.
But in his heart he did not believe it; this was not obsession, it was something deeper than that.
Lord.
A priest and an angel.
Lord, please guide me.
'You are an angel sent to me from God.'
I have sinned, I do not deny it.
But did he want his love for Amou to be only obsession?
I have wandered from the path of righteousness.
Did he want this love to die?
But please don't leave me, Lord.
…Please don't leave me, Tsukasa.
"Nakaura-kun?"
The priest was jolted out of his prayer. Looking up from the pew, he saw the sanctuary emptying. He looked to the speaker, a familiar face. "Yes, Father?"
"The morning services are over; you should head home."
Home. Where Tsukasa was. Nakaura's stomach clenched nervously. "Yes, Father. Thank you."
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Amou was in his room doing homework when Nakaura came so the priest very quietly went to his own room and shut the door softly. Then, sitting with hands clasped, he began to pray.
He lost track of time and when he heard a soft knock on the door and the Eraser's anxious voice, he realised that he must have been in his room for a very long time indeed.
"Tomonori-san, is it okay if I come in?" the boy asked.
"Y-Yes."
The door opened; as Amou entered he stopped in mid-stride and gasped. "Tomonori-san!"
And Nakaura discovered what had shocked the Eraser. He had been weeping silently as he prayed. Touching a wet cheek, he frowned slightly. I don't remember starting to cry. He was Tomonori Nakaura, priest, math-teacher, and a Wiz-dom. He didn't cry, and especially not in front of Amou.
But he so desperately wanted to feel the presence of his god. God doesn't abandon any of His children. But then where are you?
"Tomonori-san, why are you crying? Please, tell me."
The priest shook his head and willed his tears to stop. "N-Nothing, Tsukasa." Oh, very good; he's sure to believe that.
"Something's wrong," the boy persisted, coming closer. Worry creased lines around his eyebrows.
"I'm fine." But the still-flowing tears said otherwise.
"But-
"-Don't worry about me, Tsukasa." He wanted to reach out and caress away the lines wrinkling Amou's brow- no! he thought, horrified at these thoughts.
If he hadn't known better, he would have sworn that he saw a flash of anger come across the Eraser's features. "Stop it; do you think you need to hide it from me?" Then his eyes softened. "You're there for me always and I thought you knew that I would always be here for you too; you just needed to ask for help." The priest's eyes closed, lulled by his words. I've asked myself so many times: how can I love him? But…how can I not?
Tsukasa continued, seeing that his words were having a pacifying effect. "You don't have to be alone. You told me once that you were an orphan. We're both alone in this world; that's why we need to depend on each other and I- I'm feeling hurt. Do you think you can't rely on me to help you?"
The priest was just about to open his mouth to deny this when he felt a cool touch on his face. He automatically jerked away and his eyes opened. The Eraser was sitting before him with a hand outstretched, eyes full of question. Nakaura gulped and gave up the fight.
"I feel like God's left me," he confessed. "His presence isn't there anymore, I don't know what to do. What have I done? What have I done for Him to leave me?" But he knew what he had done; he loved one of God's angels.
"Oh." Amou gave out a little gasp and touched his face once more; this time, Nakaura let him. Gentle silky fingers wiped the tears from his cheeks and for a moment, the man just sat and revelled in the touch. He felt the boy's hand run down his cheek to his jaw, right beside his mouth, and suppressed the urge to shiver. But it's wrong.
"Tsukasa."
The fingers stopped and he saw the Eraser blush fiery red. As the boy dropped his arms, the priest caught the pale hands in his own. "Thank you; I'm sorry I didn't turn to you before."
The Eraser looked momentarily surprised but then he smiled shyly. "You're welcome, Tomonori-san."
Oh, if you only knew what that smile does to me.
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After dinner, he had said goodnight to Amou and stayed in the kitchen, making himself a pot of strong tea. Cup after cup he lifted shakily to his lips while staring pensively into space. Would God ever be there to guide him ever again?
I'll persevere, Lord; I'll do my best to find the path I've wandered from. I'll do my best to please you.
Eventually, he put away his mug and clicked off the light, camouflaged by the darkness as he retired to his room to sleep. He felt his eyes droop as soon as his head hit the pillow.
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His nightmare had just begun to come to him when he felt a hand on his shoulder, shaking him awake. Thank you, he wanted to say as he blinked owlishly. Thank you for saving me from my dreams. As he sat up he felt his face collide with a white shirt that smelled like soap and violets.
"T-Tomonori-san?" he heard Amou squeak. Nakaura was suddenly grateful for the darkness that hid his own flushing face.
He sank back down onto the blankets and tried to compose himself. Tomonori Nakaura, blushing! "I'm sorry, Tsukasa; you startled me."
The Eraser nodded and was probably fighting down his own blush. "You were having a nightmare."
Oh, he had forgotten to close his door. Nakaura waved a hand disinterestedly. "I'm used to them."
"You've had them before? Why didn't you tell me; I thought you said you would turn to me for help."
Nakaura immediately felt remorse. "I'm sorry."
"Tomonori-san; I understand; I have nightmares too."
Your dreams are nothing like mine. I hope you never have to find out what I dream of, the priest thought.
Amou stifled a yawn and then reddened at his impolite behaviour. "Do you want to talk about it?" He sat with his back to the wall, arms around his drawn-up knees. And suddenly, he looked so much older; the light that shone in his eyes was older than that of a sixteen-year old boy, older than Nakaura, even.
"I remember blood," the priest said slowly. He didn't have to tell the boy the whole truth, just enough to shake him off.
"What else?" Amou pressed after a long pause. His remarkable eyes compelled him to speak.
"And the dreams always end with everything being my fault; I always hurt someone. That's…all I remember."
The Eraser nodded gravely, his eyes pensive. "Do-" he blushed a little. "Do you want me to sleep here?"
No! Oh, God, no! "That's very kind of you Tsukasa, but no, thank you." The priest unnecessarily rearranged the pillow. "You have school tomorrow; you should go to bed," he added.
"Okay, Tomonori-san." Amou paused and patted his hand lightly before leaving him. The priest stared after him, dazed. As he lay back down, he lightly touched the back of his hand where the boy's fingers had been.
You are an angel to me.
Have I stereotyped Amou too much as the 'nice quiet angel'? Oh, and those two that put me on their C2 communities "Purity" and "Golden Fanfics," thanks!
(has no idea what a C2 community is or what the hell C2 stands for. Perhaps it's a spin-off of U2?)
And I just did the praying part as best I could because I'm not Christian so I have no clue!
I've noticed the older/younger Amou thing, myself. Like in Juvenille Orion #4, for example. He looks 16 on page…16, actually, but then he looks younger on pg. 84. Sometimes I find it annoying. And doesn't Nakaura-san look a bit different in that volume, too?
I heard that Gokurakuin-sensei did it because some people were having difficulty figuring out if the character was Kirihara, Itsuki, or Amou in some parts. But then why change N-san?
Confused.
Soo, you can review if you want to.