Title: Burned Bridges

Author: Bernadeen

Rated: M

Written: Spring 2003

Disclaimers: I don't own and claim no rights to any of these wonderful characters. This story is only for entertainment purposes.

Spoilers: Measure of Men, When the Bough Breaks, Complications, The Mission, Full Engagement, Adrift I & II, and almost anything through mid-season 8.

A/N: For you Sturgis fans, look for him to play an important role helping our favorite "sometimes-don't-have-a-clue" dual repair some burned bridges.

Chapter 3

Next morning

JAG HQ

Harm had debated whether to approach the Admiral about Lt. Singer's next assignment. There was some risk that it would appear strange that Harm was suddenly taking such an interest in her career and the Admiral might wonder whether Harm had been totally honest with him. Harm decided it was worth the risk. He had never hesitated to take a risk to help someone he thought deserved it. Loren was a good attorney, but she needed to unwind a bit and she needed experience. He knew the Admiral was frustrated with her recent conduct, but Harm felt obligated to try to keep her out of a dead-end assignment.

Having decided to talk to the Admiral before Lt. Singer came in, Harm walked over to Tiner's desk and asked whether the Admiral was free to see him. He was told to go on in.

Harm knocked, entered when told to do so, and came to attention in front of the Admiral's desk. "At ease, Commander. What's on your mind?"

"Sir, Lt. Singer will be coming to see you today."

"I saw her name on my appointment list. Any idea what she wants?"

"Yes, sir. She is no longer pregnant and will be applying for active duty."

The Admiral frowned. "Wonder why she changed her mind. I had understood that she was going to have the baby."

"She was. It was a miscarriage."

The Admiral frowned even more. "How the hell do you know so much about it?" he asked sharply.

"The Lieutenant and I talked last night. She admitted that Sergei was the father of her baby, a little girl. She had been exploring open adoption possibilities. The loss has been difficult for her, but she is anxious to get back to active duty… Which is why I asked to see you."

"Go on."

"Sir, when I went to the Seahawk to follow up on Lt. Singer's investigation of the flight deck mishap, I found her reports and interviews thorough and well conducted. She recommended an unwise course of action, given that it was on a carrier at sea during wartime, but with experience and guidance, she will learn to make better decisions."

"And are you willing to give her that guidance, Commander?"

"Yes, sir, if she returns to JAG HQ."

"I don't have another opening that would be appropriate for her right now, so I'll assign her here until something comes up. And I'll keep your recommendation in mind. But I will be watching her. I don't tolerate screw ups."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

"You may not want to thank me after you've been partnered with her on a few cases, Commander. That'll be all."

"Aye, sir," and Harm left the office.

Lt. Singer was waiting near Tiner's desk as Harm exited the Admiral's office. Harm wished her a pleasant good morning and proceeded to his office. After announcing her, Tiner told her the Admiral would see her.

Coming to attention in front of the Admiral's desk, Loren waited for him to acknowledge her. The Admiral was reading something and it was a minute before he told her to stand at ease. No point in making her too comfortable. "Have a chair, Lieutenant. What can I do for you?"

"I am requesting to be returned to active duty. Here is the doctor's release and my paperwork."

"You changed your mind about the baby?"

"It wasn't my choice, sir. I lost … her."

When he heard the catch in Loren's voice, AJ softened a bit. "I'm sorry for your loss."

"Sir, I'd like to say one thing?"

"Go ahead."

"I heard that my refusal to identify the father of my child caused some unfortunate speculation. For the record, sir, the father was Sergei Zuhkov. It happened the night before he returned to Russia."

"Very well. Thank you for clearing that up. … You'll be assigned right here until something else comes along." He glanced at the papers she had given him. "Looks like you're ready to go to work. Report for duty on Monday."

"Yes, sir."

"Lieutenant, Commander Rabb told me that your investigation and interviews on the Seahawk were thorough and well done. The problem was the conclusions you reached. He seems to think that with guidance and experience, similar problems won't occur. On appropriate cases, I'll be assigning you to work with him. Don't do anything to make me or him regret that."

"I'll do my best not to, sir," she responded eagerly.

"All right. Dismissed."

Loren left the Admiral's office and paused to look around the bullpen. All eyes were turned her way. Across the room she spotted Harriett. Ignoring all others, she walked toward her. When she was close enough, Harriett greeted her, "Good morning, Lieutenant."

"Lieutenant Sims, I .." Loren began in a low voice so the entire bullpen wouldn't hear their conversation. "I wanted to thank you for trying to help me when I came to see you. My baby is gone but it wasn't my choice. I had planned to have the baby and place her through an open adoption. The decision felt right and you helped me see that."

Harriett was immediately sympathetic. "Oh, Loren, I'm so sorry. … If you ever want to talk …"

"Thank you. I'll be back to active duty here beginning Monday and I might take you up on that." Loren then turned and walked toward the elevators.

Monday

Staff Briefing

JAG HQ

All officers, including Lt. Singer, were assembled in the conference room. The Admiral had told Mac that Singer would be returning to duty today. Very briefly, he told Mac that Singer had lost the baby, that she had identified the father, that it had been no one in the military, and that she would be assigned to JAG HQ for now.

Mac remembered her joy when Singer had been reassigned to sea duty. While she tried to be sympathetic to the other woman's recent loss, Mac hated having her back in the office, particularly since her circumstances were the reason for the latest disagreement between Mac and Harm. It had been weeks since the incident and Mac couldn't get past Harm's cool, strictly professional attitude toward her. It didn't help Mac's mood this morning when Harm flashed Loren his famous smile with a friendly "welcome back." Mac's personal reflection ended as the Admiral walked into the conference room.

The Admiral noted Lt. Singer's return to JAG HQ, then proceeded to hand out assignments. One of the new cases was of a Lt. Cmdr accused of beating up a local drug dealer and the Navy officer had been accused of dealing drugs himself. There was enough evidence for an Article 32 hearing. The Admiral assigned Commander Turner to prosecute and Commander Rabb to defend. Tracy Manetti was assigned second chair for the prosecution and Loren Singer second chair for the defense. Mac's eyebrows raised and she looked at Harm in surprise. Harm didn't meet her glance and his expression showed no surprise at the assignment.

After dismissing the meeting, Admiral Chegwidden asked Mac to stay behind. When the conference room was empty, he began, "Colonel, as chief of staff I should have told you one additional item of information at your earlier briefing. Commander Rabb seems to believe Lt. Singer, with guidance and experience, can be a very good lawyer. I'll be assigning the Lt. to work with Rabb as the cases seem appropriate."

Without thinking, Mac asked, "Family loyalty, sir?"

When the Admiral looked up in surprise, Mac stammered, "Ah .. I .. ah assume Sergei was … ."

With a grunt, AJ confirmed Mac's suspicion, "I should have known you'd figure out that the Commander's brother was the father of Singer's baby. I just hope Harm knows what he's getting himself into." The Admiral sighed.

"So do I, sir."

As Mac settled back in the chair behind her desk, she knew something had to be done about the situation between herself and Harm. In the weeks since his angry revelation, Mac's emotions had swung from joyousness, knowing he did love her, to black depression from the thought that her hesitation .. no, her refusal to talk .. might have killed his love and there truly was no chance to work things out between them. But she was too close to the situation. Harriett had been a good friend through the years, but she had enough of her own problems with Bud's injury.

There was only one person to whom she had admitted her feelings for Harm. She walked across the bullpen and leaned on Sturgis' doorway. When he looked up, she said, a bit hesitantly, "Sturgis, I need a friend to talk to about something personal. Could we .. could we meet somewhere after work?"

"Of course, Colonel. When and where?"

"McMurphy's? If we're both in the office at the end of the day, we can stop by after work. Otherwise, I'll meet you there at 1800."

"Okay, Mac. See you later."

She returned to her office to work on some of her cases. With the prospect of being able to talk to someone, Mac already felt a sense of relief. But a short while later she glanced out her office door and saw Harm with Lt. Singer in tow headed toward the elevators. Though her head told her that, number one, it was entirely unfounded, and number two, she had no right to feel this way, she felt a stab of jealousy. Let's face it, MacKenzie. You envy Lt. Singer being with Harm on this case, when you want to be working with him instead. She sighed and returned attention to her files.

Monday

1745 EST

JAG HQ

Sturgis appeared at Mac's door just as she was closing the last file she intended to work on today. Glancing up, she smiled a greeting. "Great timing. I'm just getting ready to leave."

"I'll walk you to your car."

As Mac left the office with Sturgis, she noticed that Harm and Loren had not returned. Their investigation must have taken them out of town. She could have asked where they were, but she didn't really need to know and didn't feel comfortable appearing to be checking up on Harm.

True to his statement, Sturgis escorted Mac to her car, then walked across the parking lot to his own car. A few minutes later they walked into McMurphy's together. By mutual, unspoken agreement, they found a quiet booth in the back corner. As Mac slipped into the booth, Sturgis went to the bar to get drinks for them. Minutes later he returned with two Virgin Mary's.

They sipped their drinks in silence for a few minutes. When Mac didn't speak, Sturgis prompted, "Talk to me, Mac."

With a sigh, Mac stared at her drink as she stirred it. Not looking up, she spoke softly. "I'm not sure just where to begin. This time maybe it's easier to start at the end .. you are probably well aware that recently there has been more than the usual tension between Harm and me." She hesitated and glanced up for Sturgis to acknowledge her statement.

With a slight smile, he agreed, "That's probably an understatement, but go on."

Mac looked away again and continued, "You know more about my personal feelings than either of us probably wants you to, and I'm going to tell you more because I need to talk to a friend to help me work out this latest problem. .. Without going into too many details, someone came to me a few weeks ago and presented a circumstantial case that Harm was the father of Lt. Singer's baby."

Sturgis raised his eyebrows in surprise. "I heard the rumors, of course, but I thought it was just office gossip."

"For a brief time, it appeared to be more than gossip. Because I'm chief of staff, someone gave me the information. I myself had observed Harm's reaction to Singer's pregnancy and was surprised that he continually defended her investigation of the flight deck incident on the Seahawk. When he found out she was pregnant, his whole attitude toward her seemed to change. On a personal level, I didn't believe the evidence for an instant, but as chief of staff, I had to talk to him about it." Mac stared across the room as she remembered that terrible scene in her office.

Having observed Harm's angry exit from Mac's office at what he now suspected was the end of that discussion, he asked sympathetically, "It didn't go well?"

Mac grimaced slightly and continued, "He didn't deny it. He just sat there and wouldn't look at me. He looked so damn guilty .. that I thought .. just for an instant .. I thought …and I … I said, 'what about your career?' … and then I said 'what about .. us?'"

She took a calming breath. "For you to understand where we are now, you need to know some of our history. Harm and I have danced on the edge of our feelings for years. Several years ago I tried to move us closer and Harm rejected my advances. I was embarrassed, hurt, and I ended up engaged to someone else. Then only a couple of weeks before my wedding, Harm told me he loved me .. oh, not quite that plainly, but I knew. There was no mistaking his feelings. But it was too late. The man I intended to marry was a good man. He would give me the home and family I wanted and I did love him.

"Then Harm's plane went down at sea. Those few hours while we waited for word from the sea rescue operation were the most terrible I've ever experienced. Harm and I had argued just before he left for the carrier. I was angry that he was going flying and might miss my wedding. He said that if I needed him there to make it work, I should reconsider who I was marrying. That hit far too close to the truth. I was angry at him for saying it. I wouldn't accept his apology and refused to wish him luck on his quals. When his plane went down, I felt so much guilt because we had parted in anger. He had promised to be at my wedding and I knew he would do whatever it took to keep that promise. I was so afraid that his promise would cost him his life.

"The wedding obviously was delayed and I just couldn't agree to reschedule it. Harm was in the hospital for two weeks recovering from his injuries and severe hypothermia. I never went to see him alone and even when I was there, his girlfriend was always hanging on him. I also didn't think it would be helpful to Harm's recovery to bring him into my emotional turmoil, even though he was the cause of it.

"A few days after Harm was released from the hospital, Mic, my fiancé, moved out. I needed a friend so badly and I went to Harm. I was at his apartment only a few minutes when Mic called. It was a test .. would I go to him or to Harm .. I failed the test and Mic said he was going back to Australia. I tried to stop him at the airport but he wouldn't even talk to me. I was devastated. My dream of a husband and family had just walked out of my life. I really don't know whether I loved Mic that deeply but it was losing the dream, you know? Anyway, I called Harm again. He knew how upset I was and he practically ordered me to go to him so we could .. 'talk.' How fickle was I? .. crying over one man's leaving and going to another man, ready to fall into his arms.

"When I got to Harm's apartment, it didn't happen. His girlfriend's father had died suddenly and he was comforting her. He was going to Minnesota with her for the funeral. I remember standing in the rain outside his apartment watching him hold her and I could almost physically feel my world shatter.

"When I returned to work, even before Mic left, there were so many questions about rescheduling the wedding and on and on. The day after losing both Mic and Harm, I couldn't take it any longer and I ran. I persuaded the Admiral to let me have an assignment on the Guadalcanal. When Harm came back and found out where I was, he called me. I found excuses not to talk long. I wouldn't return his calls. Finally he came after me, intending to have the long overdue talk about us. I was still hurting and said some cruel things. When he asked what about us, I told him there was no 'us' only he and his girlfriend. I asked him what he would give up to have me. Would he give up his girlfriend, but I walked away before he could answer.

"When I returned to JAG HQ, I built the walls between Harm and me so high that he eventually quit trying. Hence the tension you observed between us. Because of my hurt, my guilt, my fear, I had lost Harm both as the man I love and as a friend."

Mac glanced up at Sturgis who had been listening in fascination to the events that now explained so much more about his two fellow officers and his friends. No comment seemed appropriate so he waited in silence for her to continue.

"I'm sorry for the long ramblings, Sturgis, but now you'll be able to understand what happened a few weeks ago when I asked Harm 'what about us'. He angrily told me there is no 'us' because we never had that 'talk.' He said that if we had talked, he would have told me .. told me that he loved me. But since I was so ready to believe he was guilty, there probably wasn't any hope for us anyway. He said we weren't even friends any longer." As she said this last, a tear slipped down her cheek. She brushed it away impatiently, a flash of memory for the times when Harm had gently wiped tears from her face.

"Sturgis, I just don't know how to repair the damage this time. We've had our ups and downs in the past but we always managed to be friends."

Sturgis had been quickly formulating and then discarding ideas on how to help his friends find their way back to each other. "Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me all this, Mac. Some remarks that Harm has made from time to time make more sense now. We've worked out together a couple of times lately. I think I can say, without betraying Harm's confidence, because he didn't really tell me anything specific, that he's as unhappy as you are about your recent problems. If you'll let me, I would like to try to help. With your permission, I'll talk to Harm. With your long history of misunderstandings, you need an arbitrator," he smiled. "I will ask you to release me from one promise, though. That's the promise not to reveal how you feel about him."

When Mac started to protest, Sturgis continued, "I'll be discreet, Mac. I'm not going to tell him 'she loves you, you dumb ass, go kiss and make up!', though that might be the most effective."

Mac chuckled at the idea, and said thoughtfully, "Yes, that might be the most effective.." Sharing all of this with a friend had improved Mac's spirits enormously. The problems between her and Harm no longer seemed insurmountable. She smiled at Turner and laid her hand on his arm. "Thanks for being my friend, Sturgis. Just talking about all this has given me hope that we might be able to work things out yet."

Sturgis briefly covered her hand with his. "That's what friends do, you know." He sat back. "Ready to head out?"

End Chapter 3