Title: Burned Bridges

Author: Bernadeen

Rated: M

Written: Spring 2003

Disclaimers: I don't own and claim no rights to any of these wonderful characters. This story is only for entertainment purposes.

Spoilers: Measure of Men, When the Bough Breaks, Complications, The Mission, Full Engagement, Adrift I & II, and almost anything through mid-season 8.

Chapter 4

Friday

1830 EST

Harm's apartment

Harm set his briefcase on the floor and dropped his cover on top of it as he entered his apartment. It had been a long week. The case he and Lt. Singer were working on was more complex than it originally appeared but they had made good progress. He smiled a bit to himself. Working with Loren had not always been easy. She hadn't lost all of her prickly arrogance, but she was working on turning it into less abrasive confidence. She was very closed about sharing anything personal. In fact, after realizing what a private person Loren was, he understood how difficult it must have been for her discussing her pregnancy and her loss with him. Grudgingly, he found himself admiring her. The thought came to him that Loren reminded him a bit of Mac when they had first met .. prickly, aggressive, private. He grinned. Mac would kill him if she knew he was comparing her to Singer.

Thinking about Mac brought back the feelings of loss and sadness that were ever present since he and Mac had argued several weeks ago. She had no faith in him. He remembered her once saying that he had no faith in her .. during one of their many scraps. Many scraps .. yes, they had always bantered, bickered, and argued. Usually it was about a case or something that could be forgotten and forgiven. But over the years, each confrontation seemed to escalate. They had inflicted real pain on each other, sometimes intentionally.

Was this the end? Was it better just to let it go? Long term, they probably couldn't continue to work together. It would just be too painful. They both had options, but he wouldn't be unhappy to leave Washington. Perhaps it was time to discuss with the Admiral the possibility of a transfer.

Harm was making himself a meal when Sturgis called, wondering whether Harm had plans for Saturday. Harm had planned to take his Stearman up and do some thinking. As he said as much to Turner, Harm suddenly realized that he had never invited Sturgis to go flying. Deciding some company would be fun, the invitation was made and accepted.

Saturday

1000 EST

Private airfield

Leesburg, Virginia

Harm had given Sturgis instructions to the airfield where Sarah was kept. When Sturgis arrived, Harm already had her pulled out of the hangar and was running through the preflight checks. They greeted each other and then Sturgis stood watching Harm systematically and meticulously check controls, wires, switches, lines and hoses on the bi-plane.

"I'm impressed, Harm. I know pilots need to conduct preflight checks, but this seems really involved," Sturgis finally commented.

"Can't be too careful when taking a friend flying, Sturgis. The first time I took Mac, a split gas line forced us to make an emergency landing. We ran across murderous poachers while trying to find help. They shot Mac, she stabbed one of them to death when he tried to rape her, we spent a cold night together in the Virginia mountains, her wound got infected, and we barely escaped with our lives. I learned the hard way to check everything at least three times."

"You know, Harm, things seem to happen when you're around," Sturgis chuckled.

Harm looked up from his checklist with a grin. "A RIO I was going to be flying a mission with said something like that after hearing about some of my aviation incidents. On our mission, ground fire took out one of our Tomcat's engines and we made a single engine carrier landing. Afterwards, she asserted that things do happen when I'm around." He suddenly sobered. "Maybe it's Harmful Rabb's Law," he added gloomily.

"I doubt it, Buddy. For a bubblehead to go up in a bi-plane means I really trust you, Harm. I'm not worried."

Harm finished reviewing his checklist and said, "Okay, let's go."

Soon they were high over the Virginia countryside. After making sure Sturgis was ready, Harm took Sarah through a series of loops, climbs and dives. Sturgis had always believed that flying was just a fast way to get from one place to another. It held little appeal for a submariner. But now he found himself laughing with the thrill of the aerial maneuvers.

When they finally landed some time later, Sturgis felt pure joy in the beauty of the day and the fun of flying with a friend. Looking over at Harm as he climbed down, Sturgis understood why his friend went flying when he was troubled. Harm was ginning and looked more relaxed than Sturgis had seen him in weeks.

"So, Sturgis, can a bubblehead learn to enjoy the sky?" Harm asked though he could clearly see that Turner had had fun.

"Let's just say I'm beginning to understand the attraction of flying."

Together they made sure that the plane was in the hangar and any gear stowed. When they were getting ready to leave the airfield, Harm suggested, "Sturgis, there's a locally owned café in a little town a few miles from here. Great home cooked meals. You interested?"

"Absolutely. Lead on."

A short while later, the two friends were seated in a booth of the small café that didn't appear to have changed in forty years. Their meals had been served and devoured. Sturgis finally sat back and sighed. "Wow, that was great, Harm. And thanks for taking me flying."

"Glad to, Sturg. It was a good time."

After a moment, Harm continued on a different subject. "You served at several JAG offices before you got to Washington. Any preferences?"

Sturgis responded thoughtfully, "Well, I was always partial to Pearl. Hawaii is beautiful. San Diego was good, too. I'm a sucker for a good climate… Any particular reason you're asking?"

"I've been in Washington eight years. I think it's time for a change."

"Have you talked to the Admiral?"

"Not yet. I plan to on Monday. Transfers don't usually happen overnight so I want to get the ball rolling."

"Is there a reason for your interest in transferring now?" Sturgis probed.

"I told you, I think it's time for a change." Harm said a bit defensively.

"So it has nothing to do with this latest falling out between you and Mac?"

Harm sighed and hesitated before responding. He had known Sturgis a long time .. since Annapolis .. and they were good friends. Though Sturgis could be a bit self-righteous and judgmental at times, Harm valued his opinion. It would feel good to talk to someone about Mac.

When Harm spoke again, he acknowledged the accuracy of his friend's question. "Whatever was between Mac and me .. and I don't even know exactly what it was .. it's gone." His gaze became distant. "You know, when we were first assigned together, I kept seeing Diane. But it didn't take long for me to see Mac as completely her own person. She's not like Diane at all. After a few rough spots in the beginning, we were great partners. We just clicked. We could count on each other, no matter what. She followed me to Russia .. twice. I probably would have been killed trying to find my father if she hadn't been with me to watch my six. And I've pulled her green Marine butt out of a few scrapes, too. We'd tease each other, banter and bicker, but we stayed good friends.

"Then I learned that laser surgery might cure my night blindness. Mac's father was dying and she was away from Washington. By the time she got back, I had had successful surgery and was exploring the possibility of changing my designator back to aviator. I thought she would understand, but she didn't. She was hurt that I hadn't told her about the surgery until it was over. She had just lost her father, though they weren't close. Her mother, who had abandoned her at 15, showed up briefly. And her little sister, through the Big Sister program, was leaving to live with her grandparents. When she found out I was leaving, Mac felt like everyone she cared about was going away. At the time, I was too focused on getting back in the air to understand that she must have felt abandoned again.

"I was gone for six months and when I came back to JAG, everything was different. It took a long time for me to fit in again and I don't think Mac ever really forgave me for leaving. Mic Brumby, an exchange lawyer from the Australian Navy, and Mac had gotten really close. Brumby was there before I left .. he actually tried to convict Mac of murder .. I never expected Mac to take up with him."

Harm paused his narrative, staring at his spoon as he made aimless patterns with it on the tablecloth. "We've had our ups and downs, Mac and I. Each time the split goes a little deeper and each time we never quite get back to where we were before it happened. This time it's irreparable."

"You're sure about that?"

Harm looked up at his friend. "Sturgis, she accused me of being the father of Singer's baby. After all these years, she doesn't even trust me any more. There was a time when she wouldn't have believed it for an instant, but now …" He ran is hand through his hair in frustration. "And do you know the saddest part? I thought I was in love with her. How can I feel like I've lost something that I never had and never really existed? I need to forget the past and get myself squared away. That's the real reason why I'm going to request a transfer. I can't put the past behind me when I come face to face with it every day."

Sturgis listened to his friend with growing dismay. He'd been sure it would just take some prodding and the former partners would see that their future was with each other. 'I guess I'm too much of a romantic,' Sturgis thought to himself. 'Who would have guessed? Now what? This is more complicated than I realized. But I should have known. Harm never did anything the easy way.'

"Harm, are you sure Mac was accusing you, or was she doing her job as chief of staff and discussing the situation with you because she had information that seemed to point to you?" Sturgis asked quietly.

Harm gave him a sharp look. "What information?"

"I don't know, but there was something. Think about it. Mac wouldn't have said anything if it was just office scuttlebutt."

"How do you know? Have you been talking to her?" Harm's tone was accusatory and slightly hurt.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, she's told me some things. She's a friend, Harm, and she needed to talk. She doesn't have many people she can talk to about things that are really troubling her, you know."

Harm hung his head sadly. "It used to be me. She and I could talk about anything… You sure you don't know what information she thought she had?"

"I don't, but she said you didn't deny it .. that you looked guilty."

"The baby was my brother Sergei's. I suspected it as soon as I heard Loren was pregnant, but she wouldn't name the father. On the way back from the Seahawk, Loren told me she planned to have an abortion. I tried to talk her out of it, but I didn't think I had gotten through. Then she requests leave because she plans to have the baby. I confronted her about her plans and she told me she was going to give it up for adoption. This child was family and I didn't intend to let her do that. I had been toying with the idea of claiming to be the father to delay the adoption, but that would have gotten me prosecuted on fraternization charges. I was trying to work all of this out when Mac told me that she had information that seemed to indicate I might be the baby's father. I didn't respond immediately because that was the very claim I had been thinking about. She took it as guilt, I guess." He sighed. "In retrospect, I guess it was a logical conclusion … but there was a time when she would have asked me what was going on .. not just assumed I was guilty." He finished plaintively.

"So you finally denied it and stormed out of her office?" Sturgis prompted, even though Mac had told him some of what happened.

"Oh, there was more. Mac looked so hurt. Then she asked what about us. .. You might as well know, Sturgis, that even though I've denied it to you and everyone else, even myself, there is a history between Mac and me. We were never lovers, but we were something more than friends. She once tried to take our friendship to a more intimate level and I wasn't ready. It didn't happen and she ended up engaged to Brumby. Then just before her wedding, I violated every code of honor I have always believed in. I made it pretty clear to her that I loved her and I .. I kissed her.

"We got past that, too, and acted as though nothing had changed. When I left to do my quals the day before her wedding, she was angry that I would take a chance on missing her wedding. I promised her I would be there and I nearly died trying to keep that promise. A lot of things happened about that time. Our friendship has never been the same since. And now .. well, like I said, I think it's time for me to transfer out."

Sturgis realized he was playing a dangerous game here with his two friends' emotions and future happiness. If he said the wrong thing, he could make things worse .. though he wasn't sure how it could be worse between Harm and Mac. If Sturgis told Harm that Mac had told him she loved Harm, Harm might be angry that Mac had admitted it to Sturgis and not to Harm, but then it was an unintentional slip. Maybe the direct approach with Harm was best.

"Harm, would it make a difference if you knew that Mac is in love with you?"

Harm sat up and stared at his friend in surprise.

The direct approach, Sturgis told himself. When Harm didn't respond, he asked, "Are you in love with her?"

Harm's eyes widened in even greater surprise. Finally he stammered, "Counselor, that's irrelevant."

"Irrelevant!" Sturgis burst out. "That's the only thing that is relevant! Call me an optimist, but it seems to me that if you two love each other and can admit it, you can work out the rest." Sturgis tone carried the intensity of his feelings.

"Do you have reason to believe she's in love with me?"

"Her own statement."

"She said that?" Harm's surprise and skepticism was evident.

"Okay, it slipped out in an unguarded moment. But she didn't deny it, she only made me promise to keep it confidential."

"So you're violating her trust now?" Harm was beginning to sound angry.

"No. I told you, she talked to me because she's upset about this latest falling out between the two of you. I asked her permission to try to help and I also asked her permission to tell you how she feels." Sturgis grinned. "I told her I wouldn't say this, but sometimes the direct approach is best. She's in love with you, you dumb ass, now go kiss and make up."

Harm made a sound somewhere between a chuckle and a snort. "I wish it were that easy, buddy."

"And why isn't it?"

"Well,.. she'd … it would …ah …" Harm's voice trailed away. After a couple of seconds, he asked, "could it really be that easy?"

"One last piece of advice. Tell her you want to have that talk. I think she's ready to listen. Meet at a neutral location .. neither of your apartments. And agree at the beginning that neither of you leave unless the other gives permission. That way, hopefully you'll have to continue talking if one of you still has something to say."

"You sound like a fight promoter or a marriage counselor. Just how many career changes have you made, old friend?" Harm grinned.

"I had a little family counseling at Reverend Turner's side when I was younger. The rest is just common sense, I hope. You'll figure it out if you try, Harm."

"I hope so." Harm glanced at his watch. "We should be getting back to Washington."

In the café parking lot they each walked to their own car. Before getting in his Vette, Harm said, "Sturgis, thanks for listening and for the advice. I'll let you know if it works."

"Good luck, Harm. You and Mac deserve happiness. I hope you can work things out."

With that, the friends parted and drove back to Washington separately.

End Chapter 4