Title: Burned Bridges

Author: Bernadeen

Rated: M

Written: Spring 2003

Disclaimers: I don't own and claim no rights to any of these wonderful characters. This story is only for entertainment purposes.

Spoilers: Measure of Men, When the Bough Breaks, Complications, The Mission, Full Engagement, Adrift I & II, and almost anything through mid-season 8.

Chapter 5

If it had not been for Harm's exceptional driving skills and reaction times related to his expertise as an F-14 pilot, he would have been a hazard on the highway during the drive back to Washington. His mind was definitely not on driving his Vette. It was on Sarah MacKenzie. There were so many times when they had been so close. Yes, as friends. But sometimes it really felt like more. But, by mutual, unspoken agreement, they had stopped short of any romantic involvement. Except in Australia. Where would they be now if he had not been so paralyzed with uncertainty when Mac asked him how long they were going to wait.

His thoughts continued until he realized that they were just bits of "what if's" about past events. He brought his attention back to the present and focused on the immediate future. If he planned this as a mission.. arrange location.. rehearse his plea .. perhaps he could finally break down the defenses of his Marine. Or perhaps he was over-thinking this...

By the time he arrived back at his apartment, he decided that he couldn't just pick up the phone and arrange a meeting to have "the talk." Mac might refuse. But if he wanted to meet for something they often did together, like their morning run in the park, that might work. He didn't plan on just launching into "the talk" during their run, but a strategy was beginning to take form. Without further delay, he picked up the phone and hit the button to speed dial Mac.

Mac answered on the second ring.

"Mac, it's me."

There was a noticeable pause before she responded cautiously, "Hello, Harm."

Trying desperately to get some of their old banter back, he said, "You know, since we haven't been working out together, I've gotten really lazy. Would you be interested in running together tomorrow morning?"

Mac's voice was a bit strained as she responded, but she too was clearly trying to recapture their old style. "You mean you're going to give a Marine a chance to once again kick your Squid six?"

Harm grinned. "No, let's save the kick boxing for another day. Tomorrow you can try to run me into the ground."

"That shouldn't be too difficult as long as we both stay away from cars." Mac smiled as she responded, referring to an encounter with a car early in their partnership that had put Harm in a hospital taken over by terrorists.

"0600 tomorrow .. meet you at the usual place."

"I'll be there."

Mac replaced the phone and steadied her breathing. Damn, she missed that man! These last weeks of only cool professional contact had been difficult, but she hadn't realized just how much she missed Harm's friendship until now when there seemed to be a chance of renewing it. And where would they end up this time? As just friends? Or could they even get back the friendship. Harm said he didn't think they were even friends any more because she didn't trust him. How to handle that? Bring it out and discuss it or let the past lie and see what the future brings?

Her sleep was restless .. filled with dreams of Harm and her arguing, of Harm in the arms of other women, of Harm being tossed about in an angry, cold ocean, and finally of a man dying on a dark street. She was leaning close to hear his whispered last words. It was Dalton Lowne and she told him she loved him and always would. Then suddenly it wasn't Dalton but Harm lying there dying, and she meant every word of her declaration of love. As Harm in her dreams died in her arms, Mac came awake with a start. She was sweating and crying. It took a few seconds to realize it was only a dream, no doubt spurred on by her anticipation and anxiety over seeing him this morning.

Her internal clock told her it was 0438 .. she didn't need to get up yet, but she wouldn't sleep again .. didn't want to if it meant more of those disturbing dreams. She took a shower, made sure her hair looked good, and laid out her running clothes. It was too early to leave for the park but she was restless. Pacing around her apartment, she thought about what kind of a relationship she wanted with Harm, if indeed, this was the beginning of a reconciliation. She wanted their friendship back, of course, but that wouldn't be enough. She wanted it all, but could they find a way to do that without losing other things that were important to them, specifically career opportunities. It was a matter of priorities. While she loved JAG .. it was where she belonged, she once told the Admiral .. she would transfer out in an instant if it meant that she and Harm could be together. She realized she had never been so sure of that in the past.

After letting her mind conjure wonderful images of a future with Harm, she pulled herself back to the present. 'Slow down, Marine,' she told herself. 'It's only a run in the park. Don't get your hopes up .. but he did say he loved me …'

It was finally time to drive to the park. Mac grabbed her bag and walked out the door.

Harm was at the park early. He had had trouble sleeping. Thoughts of lost opportunities kept whirling through this mind, even during sleep. He couldn't relax because so much depended on the next few hours and days.

As Mac pulled into the parking lot adjacent to the running trail, she saw Harm casually leaning against his Vette. If she hadn't known him so well, she would have thought he was completely relaxed. But she did know him and she could spot the tension in his body .. the slight caution in his otherwise brilliant smile as he greeted her.

Stepping out of the car, she couldn't help but run her eyes over his muscular body. "So, Sailor, you've gotten lazy, huh? I think you're just trying to psych me into going easy. You look pretty good to me." And with that provocative statement, she turned away to begin her stretching and warm-up routine.

Any response Harm could make would be either too flirtatious or too casual so he opted for silence while he also went through his warm-up. Without words, each knew when the other was ready to begin to run, and they turned toward the trail. For awhile they ran in silence, but then began discussing their current cases. It was like old times, discussing questions from the investigations, strategies, points of law.

Later they lapsed into a more comfortable silence. As they reached the last mile, they began slowing their pace. Harm glanced toward Mac and noticed a satisfied smile on her lips. "What's the smile for? You didn't run me into the ground, you know." Harm asked.

"I just decided to go easy on you today, Flyboy. Don't expect the same treatment forever," Mac responded pertly.

Harm grinned. She hadn't used that nickname for him for a long time. He hoped it was a signal that they could get back to the way things used to be. But he didn't want things to be the way they were .. it was enough for now but he vowed not to allow the status quo to continue for long.

When they reached their cars, each was unsure of the next move. A long beautiful Sunday stretched ahead of them. Neither one wanted to spend it alone but it was awkward finding a reason to spend it together. When it appeared that the opportunity would be lost if neither spoke, Harm asked tentatively, "You have plans for today?"

"Nothing special. It's such a great early spring day that I thought I'd do something outdoors."

"How about this. We each go home and clean up. I'll buy you breakfast and by that time the National Zoo will be open. They have some new exhibits."

Mac smiled up at him happily. "I'd love that, Harm. Since you're feeding me, I'll pick you up .. 0830?"

"Right. See you later."

Mac drove home with a happiness in her heart like she hadn't felt for a long time. She practically skipped into her apartment. As she stripped off her sweaty clothes and stepped into the shower, she admitted to herself how much she had missed Harm. These last few weeks when he was treating her with cool professionalism had been bleak. Now she was happily anticipating several more hours in his company. She would do everything in her power to win back his friendship. But this time she wanted more than friendship. She couldn't rush it, but her mind was made up. Harmon Rabb was hers and she was his. She just had to convince him of that.

Mac pulled her Vette to the curb in front of Harm's apartment building at 0829 to find him just stepping out the street door. The smile he flashed her made her knees go weak and she was glad she was already seated. As he slid into the car beside her, she greeted him cheerfully, "Hey, Flyboy."

A few blocks away, Mac parked near a coffee and bagel shop that they had frequented in friendlier days. The shop also had a selection of gooey pastries to satisfy Mac's more indulgent tastes while providing several kinds of healthful bagels which Harm preferred. This morning, however, Mac chose a bagel as well. The butterflies in her stomach didn't seem to want sugar to enflame them further. Harm raised his eyebrows at her choice but remained silent as they carried their breakfast to a small table on the sidewalk to take full advantage of the unusually warm spring day.

Suddenly they were uncertain again. Each picked at their food until finally Mac took a deep breath and, without looking at Harm, began tentatively, "Harm, I've missed you. I missed this .. " she waved her hand vaguely to indicate their breakfast together. "We've had good times and bad times in our .. friendship since we became partners. The bad times are awful .. like the past few weeks. I want to clear the air so there are no more misunderstandings about the past or the present."

Slightly nervous about what was to be discussed, Harm answered simply, "Okay," and let Mac continue.

"Harm, I wasn't accusing you of being the father of Singer's baby. I had a job to do as Chief of Staff. Apparently you had been observed in an intense conversation with Lt. Singer the day she came to see the Admiral to request leave. The next evening you were overheard in an argument with her during which you demanded custody of the baby. When you and I flew out to the Seahawk, you were defending her to me. The information I had was more than scuttlebutt, Harm, and you showed up at my office door before I had fully decided how to approach you. Then you didn't deny it .. you just looked guilty .. and I was suddenly so hurt and jealous that I thought, just for an instant, that it might be true. I'm not trying to excuse the lapse in my trust of you, but I hope you can understand my need to act on the information I had. And I had to inform the Admiral for the same reasons.

"It took me a few hours to figure out that Sergei was probably the father, but by then the damage was done. We're so good at building walls between us and this time I couldn't find a way to scale yours."

Harm nodded thoughtfully. "Mac, I understand. With the information you had, you could do nothing else. At first, Loren wouldn't admit who the father was. She told me she was planning to have an abortion. Then she shows up at HQ to request leave to have the baby. Those conversations that were observed were my attempts to learn her plans for the child. When she told me she planned to put the baby up for adoption, I told her I'd stop her. As an alternative, I told her to give the baby to me, but she refused.

"I had been trying to find a way to stop her from giving up the child, and one idea was for me to claim I was the father. It would delay the adoption until after the baby was born. Of course, a paternity test would show I wasn't the father, and by that time I would have been court martialed and dishonorably discharged for fraternization, so it probably wasn't a good option. And there you were, asking me if I were the father. I hesitated, still trying to work out if there was some way to use the idea to keep the baby. It must have looked like guilt to you."

"All right, I'm glad that's cleared up."

"You know, I don't want to talk about Loren more than necessary today, but in her defense, she was investigating the possibility of an open adoption where both the baby's natural and adoptive families would be involved in her life. She confirmed that Sergei was the father and that the baby was a girl. She was really hurting from losing the baby. Under all that ice, there just might be a human being after all. That's why I asked to have her assigned to some of my cases. She's a good lawyer but she needs to mellow a bit."

Mac smiled at him. "One of the things I've always admired about you is that when you believe in someone, you'll make every effort to help them. If you believe Singer deserves your help, I'll try to keep an open mind.

Mac drew a steadying breath, knowing the next part would be more difficult. "All right, next .." Mac continued. "You said there was no 'us' because we never had the talk you promised. And you're right. .. about the talk, that is. I think we're about to have it .. and I need to know .. whether what you said in anger was true .. about .. about letting go?" She kept her eyes lowered, afraid she would see rejection and denial if she looked at him.

Harm leaned closer and took her small strong hand in his large one as he began to speak. "Sarah, I meant every word about my feelings. I had always imagined saying it the first time like this, and not in anger. I am ready to let go. I'm in love with you, and I want to find a way for us to be together."

Mac looked at him then, her eyes shining. She breathed the words softly, "Oh, Harm, that's what I want, too." She began to lean closer to kiss him when she remembered that they were in a public restaurant. "Can we take this … conversation to a more private location?"

"My apartment is the closest."

"Okay, let's go."

When they reached Mac's car, she hesitated, then turned back to Harm and handed him her keys. "Even my steel Marine nerves can't quite cope at the moment. I hope your fighter pilot nerves are up to driving."

"If that's the only way to get us to my apartment, you bet I can drive," Harm grinned, and he held the passenger door open for her.

In a few minutes they were parking outside of Harm's apartment. Once inside, Harm gently drew Mac into his embrace and held her quietly, content for the moment to bury his face in her fragrant hair and feel her body molded against the length of his. Mac wrapped her arms around his waist and held tight. After a moment she sighed contentedly and said softly, "This feels so wonderful. I thought it would never happen."

Harm raised his head and leaned back so he could look into her eyes. "Neither did I," and lowered his lips to hers. The kiss, so long anticipated, began softly, comfortingly, but the years of waiting quickly turned into passion. Mac's lips parted, welcoming Harm's exploring tongue. As passion rose, their breathing quickened. Harm left her lips to kiss her jaw line and the long column of her neck, but soon returned to exploring the sweetness of her mouth. As Mac tightened her lips around his tongue and sucked, Harm felt his body respond physically to his desire. With a regretful murmur, he pulled back, attempting to control his breathing. "I'm not sure this is a good idea .."

"Are you backing out again, sailor," Mac asked in exasperation.

"I just don't want to rush you. Yesterday we were barely speaking to each other and now I want nothing more than to make love to you. Maybe we should slow down .."

"Harm, you're not rushing me. If you want to take it slow, we will. But, God, Harm, we've had seven years of foreplay. All I want to do is drag you to bed and have my way with your body." And to prove her point, she ran her hands down his back to grasp his firm butt.

Harm laughed joyously. "I know better than to try to deter my Marine when she makes up her mind," he said as he pulled her up the stairs to his bed.

They fell onto the bed and into each others arms. Their love making alternated between hurried removal of an article of clothing and slowly exploring the newly discovered treasure .. touching, kissing, tasting. As Harm slowly kissed and fondled Mac's generous and now bare breasts, she groaned as her body tightened to near orgasm. Removal of Harm's shirt allowed Mac to spread her open hands over his muscles and tweak his nipples.

Finally they had disposed of all clothing and were enjoying full access to what they had so long fantasized about. Mac's soft hand slipped around Harm's erection. In her late night fantasies, she had imagined his size. He did not disappoint her. She heard his quick intake of breath as she moved her hand up his length. After a few more strokes, he reached down and moved her hand away. "Sarah, it's been awhile and I want .. I don't want it to end that way."

"Agreed," she whispered as her lips kissed their way down his rippling abs. She looked up the length of his body provocatively and asked, "I suppose I can't do that either?" then licked her lips and turned her eyes toward her goal.

He reached down and gently pulled her upward to indulge in a hungry kiss. "Not this time," he responded in the same whispered tone.

She was lying fully on top of him and she rubbed her body against his. Suddenly he hooked his leg over hers and rolled both of them over so she was pressed into the bed by his long athletic body. His erection pressed just at the entrance to the moist warmth between her legs. With a moan, she tried to move downward to take him into her. "Please, Harm, I want you in me now," she begged.

He gently pressed into her, easing inward and then withdrawing slightly, until she had taken his entire length. She was very tight and he was very large. She felt herself stretch with exquisite pain as she tightened her arms to pull him closer. Lifting her legs and wrapping them behind his back, she allowed him even deeper penetration. As he buried his face in her neck, she threw back her head and moaned. "My god, Harm, you feel so incredible."

"Sarah, I love you," he whispered as he began to move. Every nerve in her body seemed hyper sensitive to his touch and she felt her body coil tightly in a powerful orgasm. Her pulsing muscles brought his release an instant later.

They lay wrapped tightly in each other's arms as their bodies, limb by limb, relaxed into a euphoric contentment. Mac was drifting toward sleep when Harm shifted slightly and propped himself up on one elbow. He raised his hand and lightly trailed his fingers down her cheek and across her lips. She gazed at him with passion laden eyes. "I think the earth moved." She said happily.

"I think it definitely moved." Harm agreed, as he lowered his lips to hers. Just as the kiss ended, Mac's stomach growled. Both began laughing.

"You better feed me, Flyboy. Else I won't have the strength to do this again." Mac teased.

Slowly Harm rolled off the bed and grabbed a well worn sweat suit from a nearby shelf. He tossed the shirt to Mac and pulled on the pants. "Don't put too many clothes on. They'll just get removed later." He instructed as he went down the stairs to find something for their lunch.

Over sandwiches (Harm managed to find a can of tuna as he told Mac he hadn't anticipated having a carnivore for lunch today) and salads, Mac brought up a subject that they both knew had to be discussed. "What about tomorrow, Harm?"

"Well, we're not violating the rules against fraternization since we're both of the same rank. And we're both disciplined enough not to let our relationship interfere with the good order and discipline of the office .. that's what the Admiral will be concerned with."

"We need to tell the Admiral."

Harm had never felt comfortable discussing personal topics with his CO and began to object. "Mac, do you think that's necessary? If we don't let our relationship interfere with .."

"Harm, think about it. What if a defendant is unhappy with a decision in a case where you and I oppose each other or where I'm on the bench? The defendant's next lawyer learns about our relationship and can claim the impaired attorney defense .. that we weren't objective .. we made concessions .. and on and on. It could get ugly. We can't put the Admiral in the position of having made those assignments."

"You're right, of course. Though I believe we can continue to be objective in the court room."

"Since when have you been objective in the court room, Harm?" Mac chided.

"Okay, I'll admit it helps if I believe in my case, but I do my job." Harm answered, slightly hurt at Mac's accusation.

Mac quickly realized that their new relationship was still very fragile. She reached across to touch his hand, as she said sincerely, "Yes, you do."

After a minute of silence, Harm spoke again. "We'll have to thank Sturgis."

"He talked to you?"

"We went flying yesterday in Sarah and then we talked over lunch. I would never have had the nerve to call you to go running this morning if he hadn't told me some truths."

"Then we'll definitely have to thank him."

"How do we handle the rest of the officers and staff. Bud and Harriett are friends .. we shouldn't keep secrets from them."

Mac grinned. "I think Harriett will figure it out pretty quickly when she sees us."

"I thought you were so sure we could maintain objectivity in the office."

"Oh, come on, Harm. Friday we were giving anyone who came near the two of us frostbite and tomorrow it's going to be pretty obvious that we are at least friends. I feel like I'm glowing with happiness, and I doubt that I can, nor do I want to, hide that." Mac said decisively.

Harm raised his hand to her cheek. "You are glowing," he said softly.

Mac turned her head to kiss his hand and then continued, "Harriett will tell Bud. That leaves Manetti and Singer. Since you're working so closely with Lt. Singer now, you will want to share with her, I suppose," Mac finished a bit cattily.

"Mac, Loren and I aren't that close. They'll both know soon enough, I'm sure. If we're in a situation where it becomes important for them to know, we'll tell them."

"Agreed. So first thing tomorrow we see the Admiral?"

Harm nodded and then began to grin slyly.

"What?" Mac smiled back.

"Oh, I was just picturing you on the bench, your honor. Somehow it turns me on to think of you in a position of power over me."

"Stop it, Harm. If you ever do appear before me when I'm on the bench, I'll think about that remark and start blushing. It could jeopardize the position and its authority."

Harm reached for her arm and pulled her to her feet and toward him. Wrapping his arms around her, he murmured, "Then we just have to work through this power thing right now so it won't be a problem in the future."

Mac chuckled happily as he led her toward the bedroom.

End Chapter 5

(Chapter 6 is the last one - get a glimpse of happy Harm and Mac at their jobs!)