LMK: I own nothing. Based on personal experience.
I look at him, and I know exactly what I want. People think that I am just a bundle of stuttering uncertainties, and sometimes I am. Sometimes I'm quiet and all alone, and no one understands me. Except him. Because he's alone like me.
He's always been there. He's almost always hated me. But I still love him. How can I not, when he's so much like me? The closest thing I'll ever have to someone understanding how I think. So I look at him, and know exactly what I want, and how I want it, even though I'm supposed to be young and unsure. The only unsure thing about this is how many bones he would break if I were to tell him.
He is so much like me, but at the same time, he's so different. I'm incompetent, he's a prodigy. I'm soft and malleable, he's hard and unyielding. I love him, and he doesn't really love anyone anymore. I understand why, though. If you love no one, you can't be hurt. I hurt so much.
He is my cousin. He has the same blood as I do. Our fathers were twins. We are so alike.
And, for some reason, loving him is wrong.
I don't know why. Perhaps we will have deformed children. We could adopt, but my clan wouldn't like that. Father would understand, but he would have to bow to the pressure of the rest of our family. My father loved his brother, just as much as I love Neji-nii-san. He would understand.
I don't feel dirty, even though I know I should. I don't think that my thoughts are wrong, or evil. I just think that my feelings are real, as real as my love for Naruto, and for Shino and Kiba and Akamaru. I love them, but other people just don't understand. People think that I love Naruto, but it's different. He's my hope, my inspiration. He is the reason that I keep going, even though I know that I'll never be good enough. More. If I can give more, I can be like him, and then I'll be strong enough, and Neji-nii-san will see that, and smile at me. And Kiba will laugh, and Akamaru will bark, and Shino will give his tiny-almost-not-there smile, and that'll be enough.
I don't think that I'm asking for much. I just want friends and someone to love me as I love him. I don't know why it's so wrong. I believe that if we love each other enough, Neji-nii-san and I could be happy. I could take care of him, and he could take care of me. Not many people understand him like I do. All I have to do is look, and I know what he's thinking, what he's feeling, what he wants. I don't even have to use my Byakugan.
But he wouldn't want me. He may not hate me anymore, but he will never feel for me, what I feel for him. I'm too weak, and he thinks that cousins should never marry. He thinks that it is wrong, so I know he will never love me. I should give up.
But I can't. I rarely stand up for myself, and I don't remember a time where I was selfish. I don't ask for much, and this one thing, this secret love I will keep for myself. I will be selfish about this, just this once.
Even if he never loves me, I still have hope. What I hope for, I don't know, but it's there. It will get me through anything. It is my naive hope.