Disclaimer: there may be an 80-year-old hermit, who can't see, speak or hear, living in deepest darkest Peru in a mud hut with no access to the outside world who doesn't know that JK Rowling wrote Harry Potter. For his benefit, in case he somehow gets on the internet and reads fan fiction about a book he's never read: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters involved in Harry Potter. They all belong to JK Rowling. I'm just borrowing them for a while.

A/N: This is my very first fan-fic, and what better way to start than with my all-time favourite pairing, Lily and James. If I've screwed anything up, or got certain established HP facts wrong, then please forgive me and let me know in a review. I'm currently in Japan and I have no access to any of the books (at least not in English) so I'm going off memory…a most unreliable device. Please read and review…I can only get better.

September 1, 10 pm

Chocolate frogs: 10 (bad)

Sugar quills: 2 (not bad…but would have been more if I could get my hands on them)

Very loud arguments the whole world could hear: only 1 so far…not too bad for me actually

He's an arse. That's what he is a total arse. Just what I needed. My first day as prefect and I spend most of it cleaning up after Potter and his gang of messed up misfits. If the stink bombs in the prefects' compartment wasn't bad enough, then the chaos I found towards the back of the train would have been enough to send anyone potty (v bad pun….promise not to do that again).

Most people, barring a few unlucky (and probably targeted) Slytherins, managed to escape unscathed from their little slime prank but who was left to clean up the mess might I ask? Yours truly of course. You wouldn't believe some of the places I found their moving, crawling slime. And would scourgify get rid of it? No. I'm going to kill them all.

Naturally, the second I found some time I cornered him and gave him a piece of my mind. I waited till the first years were sorted and the feast had started so the noise would cover up any screams of rage that might escape me. Unfortunately Dumbledore decided to get up and make a speech just as I was hitting my stride.

I'd just finished telling Potter what a useless prat he was and how I wasn't going to let him get away with it this year. Silence reigned throughout the hall just as I told him (and the rest of his motley crew) that "I'll be watching you this year, day and night. I'll be watching you in class, watching you on Hogsmeade trips and watching you while you sleep…" I was just about to tell him that if he so much as breathed in a suspicious way I'd bust his arse and put him in detention when I noticed the general quiet of the hall, interspersed with giggles coming from the other end of the Gryffindor table where Emily and Livia were sitting. Then the muffled guffaws of Potter's mates joined in and finally the whole school, Dumbledore included, was laughing at me. Even McGonagall had a small smile lurking at the corners of her mouth. Dammit. Brilliant way to start the year.

I was so good on the train, I managed to refuse the temptations of the sweets trolley as it rumbled past our compartment. But once I'd sat in the Great Hall long enough to not look suspicious, I legged it back to my room and cracked open the package I brought with me. It's times of total embarrassment like this that a girl just can't say no to chocolate…not even the 10th piece.

I had so many resolutions to keep this year. I'd made up my mind that seeing I was a prefect this year, and thus supposedly a role model, I would be a calmer, more mature person this year. 10 chocolate frogs and 1 screaming match later, I get the feeling that I'm just not cut out for responsibility.

September 2, 12:30pm

Subjects enrolled in: 5 (pretty good)

Screaming matches: 0 (yes!…maybe maturity is within my grasp!)

Vicious spitball fights: 1 (Ok…maybe we can scratch that maturity thing)

When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining, birds were singing and the bathroom was as yet unoccupied. The perfect start to what I vowed would be the perfect school year. This year I am going for the ideal, perfect, model student approach to life. I will do my homework more than one day ahead, I will pay attention in class and stop doodling, I will plan my time and do revision more than a week out from exam time, and I will do all the reading that is set. I suspect this may well be a pipe dream…especially after this morning's little escapade…

I went down to breakfast in a supremely happy mood, having for once had the time to take a nice, long luxurious shower, instead of my usual "2 minutes oh my god I have to get to class" routine of last year…and the year before that…and the year before that…OK you get the picture. Anyway, as usual I sat down with Emily and Sarah, speared myself a piece of toast off Em's plate and started munching while we discussed who was taking which subjects this year.

Being sixth year, and time to start preparing for the N.E.W.T.s we had all started to specialise. I had dropped Divination like the bag of garbage that it was (though Sarah would have violent disagreements with me over that particular opinion….VERY violent) and begun to focus on what I actually enjoyed…or at the very least was good at. Ancient Runes was out the window, how Emily manages to do it I don't know…I barely scraped through that particular O.W.L. exam. And I gave up Herbology and Care of Magical Creatures because quite frankly it's not just my people skills which lack a certain something…it seems that most living things (everything from unicorns to gillyweed apparently) seems to either hate me or at the very least treat me a cold disdain. Pus-filled hands and a nasty bite were enough to put off those subjects for life.

Comparing our timetables I noticed that the three of us only shared three of our five subjects: Charms, Transfiguration and Potions. That left me temporarily lost. I knew that I would be alone in History of Magic, everyone else having given it up feeling that there were better ways to spend class time than sleeping (actually, I really enjoy those lectures…) but I thought that at least Emily would be there with me in Defence Against the Dark Arts…I mean, Lily and Mily the Inseparables…we do everything together. Plus, I thought she liked DADA. Turns out her timetable had filled up and something had to go. I still can't believe she picked Runes over DADA. That girl will never make sense.

Anyway, on with the actual story. Being a Monday morning they naturally had to schedule the worst class possible…double Potions with the Slytherins. First period went fine with a quick revision of last year's work but second period became an unmitigated disaster. I still shudder to think about it. I all started with the potion we were making – a hair growth ointment. Apparently the school infirmary goes through a fair bit of it every year helping students regrow their hair when, for reasons often connected with Potter's boys, said students get their hair "accidentally" singed off. I can't count the number of students I've seen go running through the halls with a head of cold-burning hair.

Potter, Black and Lupin were, as usual, chuckling distractingly at the bench next to Sarah, Em and me. Normally there's no reaction from me but today they went too far. Laughing I could deal with, verbal torture of another person (no matter how horrible and vile) is not something I'll put up with. And when said torture goes that step too far I stepped in. I'm not ashamed about stepping in then, but I probably didn't do it in the smartest way. If I'd told Potter to give it up and left it at that, this probably wouldn't have happened. Oops.

Professor Dilby had left the room so I turned to Potter and not so subtly told him to shut up, leave Snape alone. Actually…what I might have said was something along the lines of "Leave him alone you bastard and get over it." Normally that wouldn't be so bad…but then Snape had to pipe up and call me a filthy Mudblood, which made Potter go all high and mighty in my defence at which point I told him to stick it up his arse and the day I needed his help was the day hell froze over.

Fortunately Dilby returned just then which I thought would prevent it from escalating but as usual, anytime I spoke to Potter, or any of his friends, it encouraged them to believe I enjoyed their attentions. Potter read my anger as an excuse to start sending spitballs my way. Even in the magical world, almost nothing is as gross as feeling a spitball hit your neck…or in one case my eye which was what sent me over the edge.

By this stage, despite the various interruptions, I had my potion bubbling nicely in the last stage of the recipe. Just to piss off Potter and his perfect face I dipped some paper in the hair growth potion, rolled it up and flicked it at him, being careful not to touch it with my bare skin. I missed him and cursed hoping he would pick it up and start sprouting hair on his fingers. What he did was much, much worse. Assuming it was a normal spitball, he picked it up, turned to look at me, put it on his tongue and swallowed it.

In all fairness I had no idea that the potion was that powerful, especially when taken internally. And it's not like I wanted him to swallow it. He's up at the infirmary now, presumably having his insides cleaned out, or at least shaved. I feel terrible. No one, not even arrogant Potter deserves that. A hairy lung sounds rather painful actually. Although…James the gorilla did look pretty funny.

A/N: If you liked it, hated it, found it dull, or think there's any way I could improve then PLEASE review. I love constructive criticism, I really do. And thanks to Fallen Flower who was my first ever reviewer and a great boost to my ego. You rock, and I'll try to update as quickly as possible…just for you!