Author Note: This is just a little story I came up with after reading Phrasion Alcohol by funkyflamingo. Phrasion Alcohol was a Doctor Who version of this story, so after contacting and gaining funkyflamingo's permission, I changed and altered it to come up with this. The basic plot is my idea, with the cleaning the apartment bit and stuff, but some of the wording and speach is identical to Phrasion Alcohol. This is why I'm going to give full credit to the original idea of this story to funkyflamingo.
However, that doesn't mean that it should make the story any less interesting...so enjoy, laugh and send loads of reviews!
And for all you Star Wars fanatics, I don't care if it doesn't stick to the original story, it's just a bit of fun!
oOo
"What do you want to do?" Anakin asked his secret wife one day as they sat in their Coruscant appartment.
"I dunno. What do you want to do?" Padme replied.
"I dunno. What do you want to do?"
"I dunno. What do...I just asked you that!" Padme exclaimed in annoyance.
"I just asked you that!" Anakin copied with a grin. At last, he had found something to do. But he knew that winding up Padme wouldn't be a wise idea to carry on for too long. He'd known her long enough to know that.
Padme had sussed out what he was trying to do, so she got up, intending to leave before he could really annoy her. However, her foot stepped in something sticky and there was a rather loud squish.
"Ew! What is that!" she cried, looking down to find a half mouldy pizza stuck to her foot. "Right, I know what we can do! We're gonna tidy this place up. It's a mess!"
"Padme!" Anakin groaned, but then he lent over and put his hand in a plate of his unfinished noodles from the night before.
"Yes Anakin?" Padme answered sweetly.
"I think that's a brilliant idea. Why wait? Let's start now!" Anakin jumped to his feet and waltzed into the kitchen to search in the cupboards for all the cleaning equipment. However, half an hour later, he'd still had no luck.
He had, however, found something far more interesting.
"Look at this. I didn't know you drank wine?" he said, holding up a rather ancient bottle of Galactic wine - the strongest alcoholic drinklegally available.
"I don't usually. That's only for emergencies," she replied, sticking her head round the door. Anakin began prizing open the top, but Padme cleared her throat.
"I said emergencies, Anakin."
"Not even a teeny weeny bit?"
"Maybe later. But first, clean!"
Anakin saluted her and caught the cloth that Padme threw to him.
oOo
Two hours later, the appartment was looking spotless and Padme stood back, hands on her hips, admiring her work. Then she wondered where Anakin had got to.
"Ani?" she called. No answer. She went on a search and eventually found Anakin polishing the bathroom mirror.
"Look. Its so shiny I can see my reflection in it!" he exclaimed delightedly and Padme rolled her eyes in disbelief.
"You've had some of that wine,havn'tyou?" she asked suspiciously and Anakin nodded, showing her the open bottle sitting on the bath.
Padme quickly confiscated it and took it back into the kitchen. Clearly Anakin wasn't very good at handling his drink. As she went to put the cork back in, she caught a whiff of the contents. It smelt like heaven in a bottle.
Glancing around to make sure that Anakin wasn't anywhere near, she took a tiny sip. It tasted like heaven too!
She took a glass from the cupboard...
oOo
A few hours later the doorbell rang and Anakin went to answer it, tripping over his own feet as he did so.
"Heyloooo Obi-Wan!" he greeted the Jedi Master, giving him a huge bear hug.
"Um, hi Anakin. Are you alright?" Obi-Wan asked as he propped Anakin back up on his feet.
"I'm fine...I'm fine...I'm fine...I'm fun...I'm fun...fun...fun... " Anakin repeated over and over as he staggered over to the sofa and collapsed onto it. Flicking on the tv, he turned on Wallace and Gromit and began dancing to the theme tune.
"Are you sure you're alright?" Obi-Wan asked worriedly.
"Yup, yup, I'm just dandy. Senatoror Armadandidala or whatever her name is isn't though," Anakin said, then he began giggling hysterically at something on the screen. Obi-Wan raised his eyebrows at his former padawan, then went in search of the Senator. He bumped into her as she was coming out of the kitchen.
"Obi-Wan! I didn't know you had a twin!" she exclaimed as her blurred vision showed her two Obi-Wan's instead of one. Now Obi-Wan had sussed out what was wrong, so he took Padme's hand and led her back to the sofa, sitting her opposite Anakin, who had now moved onto another chair and was sitting upside down with his legs over the back, and his head dangling over the front.
"Im just going to get you some water, okay? Do you want anything else?" Obi-Wan asked her.
Padme considered this for a moment.
"A tractor," she replied after careful pondering. Obi-Wan looked at her and gave an exasperated sigh. Anakin found this hilariously funny and burst out laughing, but Padme wasn't taking any notice of either of them, because she'd just reminded herself of a song she'd learnt as a child. She suddenly began singing loudly in a strong farmer's accent.
"I can't read and I can't write, but that don' really ma'et, cos I come down from Somerset and I can drive a tra'er!"
Anakin fell of the chair laughing.
Then Padme changed tune and began singing something else.
"Oh I got a bran' new combine 'arvester an' I'll give you the key. Then we can go and mow the fields, in perfect 'armony!"
Anakin was almost wetting himself now.
"Oh we should get her drunk more often!" he chuckled, but Obi-Wan glared at him.
"You got her drunk, Anakin, not me! But as usual, I'm left to clean up your mess."
"Hey, I cleaned the mirror in the bathroom so much that you can now see your face in it!" Anakin protested, looking up at Obi-Wan stupidly from the floor. Obi-Wan opened his mouth to argue, then thought better of it.
"How much has she had?" he asked, and Anakin shrugged.
"I dunno. A glass, maybe."
They both looked back over at Padme who was now trying to hug a giant pink elephant, who had appeared on the sofa beside her.
The next thing she knew, she was on the floor, not quite knowing how she had got there. She thought for a moment, then noticed the sun was out and began hunting for her sunglasses in one of the cushions.
Obi-Wan slapped his hand to his forehead and sighed. "Look, I'm going to get her some water. Can you please keep an eye on her for a minute?"
Anakin saluted.
"Yes sir. Watch her. Got it...OOH MR BEAN!"
Obi-Wan darted into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water, before dashing back into the sitting room. He didn't want to leave Padme alone with Anakin, but he had no choice. What he got back to wasn't nearly as bad as he had imagined, although it was still pretty terrible.
Padme was on her hands and knees, peering under the sofa with Anakin watching her from across the room.
"What's she doing?" Obi-Wan asked.
"Looking for the moon apparently."
"Ah," Obi-wan said, strolling over to her. He managed to get her to sit back up on the sofa eventually, where he tried to get her to drink some water. Padme, however, was far more content to just poke the water with her finger. Anakin giggled.
"She's like a kid," he observed.
"She's drugged, Anakin!" Obi-wan snapped.
"She's not drugged! Just a little...drunk..."
"That stuff-" Obi-Wan started, but he was interupted by a high pitched scream from Padme.
"Where are my clothes?" She shrieked. "I've lost my clothes!"
Obi-Wan felt like banging his head against the wall. She would not be going near anything alcoholic again...not even rum flavoured sweets! Ever!
He finally managed to shush her. "It's ok, it's alright. You're wearing them, see?" He showed her the sleeve of her top and let her touch it. "There see. It's alright."
Padme grinned up at him, his head spinning before her eyes.
"Is that real?" she asked, tugging on his beard. He yelped in pain, knowing that he should be angry. But strangely enough he wasn't. Infact he couldn't help admitting to himself that she was actually rather entertaining.
"Alright, I think that's enough for one night. Bedtime now," he said at last, and Anakin gave a loud whine in protest.
"I'm not tired yet!"
"Anakin, this is your fault. If you're going to behave like a little child, then I'll treat you like one. Now go to bed. I'll see to you in the morning, and don't think you're getting away with this."
"But I'm not drunk!" he whined.
"Prove it then. Say supercalafragilisticexpialidocious," Obi-Wan said with raised eyebrows.
"I can't say that even when I'm sober!" Anakin exclaimed, but before Obi-Wan could argue, he continued.
"I can, however, say wrastacoricafalapitorious!"
"What the hells that?"
"It's a planet."
"I've never heard of it. Where is it?" Obi-Wan asked in confusion.
"Haven't you ever watched Doctor Who?"
"No,"
"No wonder you don't know what I'm talking about then!" Anakin giggled.
"BED, ANAKIN!"Obi-Wan shouted, causing Anakin to jump.
Anakin's shoulders slumped in defeat and he stood up, stretched and toppled backwards over the coffee table. Picking himself up again, he trudged off to bed, dragging his feet behind him,sulking.
"What about -" he nodded to Padme when he got to his bedroom door. Padme was now watching the clear liquid run through her fingers as she tipped the glass of water over her hand, obviously not noticing that it was pooling in her lap.
"Water's funny stuff," she said innocently, smiling as she poured even more over her fingers.
"Oh no no no Padme," Obi-Wan cried, prizing the glass away from her. "Anakin, bed. I can deal with her - Padme, look. You look like you've wet yourself now!"
"Have fun with that!" Anakin chuckled as he wandered into his room. A moment later there was a loud thump as Anakin attempted to clamber into his imaginary bunk bed and fell flat on his face.
Obi-Wan was left with Padme, who had once again started crawling around on the floor, this time looking for her rabbit.
"Padme you don't own a rabbit," Obi-Wan tried to point out, but Padme nodded enthusiastically.
"I do! He's called Mr Squidge!"
"Well...um...I think I saw 'Mr Squidge' hop into your room a little earlier," he said, hoping it would convince her to go to bed too. But Padme stood up and put her hands on her hips again, although this time she was swaying unsteadily.
"Mr Squidge has no legs, therefore he can't have moved from where I left him!"
"Well where did you leave him?"
"I don't know! That's why I'm looking for him. Duh!" And with that she fell forwards into Obi-Wan's outstretched arms, giggling madly.
Obi-Wan proceeded to lead her to her room, but when he saw that he was practically dragging her, because she was making no effort to mover her legs, he gave a huge sigh and scooped her up into his arms. It was no easy task trying to carry her to her room, because she kept covering his eyes with her hand and shrieking with laughter.
"Padme, stop it!" he said firmly, so she just hung her head backwards.
"Wheeeeeeeeeee!" She cried as he carried her into her room and deposited her on her bed.
He was just going to tuck her in and let her sleep, but then he remembered her wet skirt. He managed to find some baggy trousers in one of her drawers that would have to do as pyjama pants, then he handed them to her.
"I'm going to go outside for a moment. You put these on, then I'll come back in. Ok?"
He left and went to stand outside, knowing full well that she was in no fit state to do anything. Yet he couldn't possibly do it for her, so he just hoped and prayed that she had managed to do it herself.
Several moments went by, and he heard nothing from inside. Knocking tentatively on the door, he opened it a little and peered in.
"You done yet?" he asked, and let out a huge sigh of relief when he saw that she had.
"My hat's wet," she told him, handing him her soaked skirt.
"Yes Padme, thats because you poured water all over it. Now, come on. Bed!" he peeled back the covers and lifted her legs in, then tucked her gently in.
"Can you read me a story?" she asked, but Obi-Wan shook his head.
"No Padme, you're too old for stories."
"Are we going flying?" she asked, completely randomly.
"Yes Padme, we're going flying. But we won't unless you get to sleep," Obi-Wan sighed, pulling up a chair beside her bed. He'd have to stay there all night just to make sure she didn't do anything else stupid. Not that he minded having to stay up all night. He didn't usually bother sleeping anyway.
Padme looked like she was just drifting off when she opened her eyes and tugged on his sleeve.
"I'm scared!"
"Of what. There's nothing to be scared of." Obi-Wan said, strongly reminded of a little child as he looked at her now.
"There's a boogey monster. Please don't leave me!"
"I won't Padme. Look, I'll stay right here."
"No, get in with me."
"No it's alright, I'll sit here."
"Noooo!" she grabbed his sleeve and tugged him under the covers, where she snuggled into his arms.
Oh this is not good. Obi-Wan thought, but it seemed that at last Padme was dropping off to sleep. Perhaps once she was asleep, he could ease himself out from under the covers.
Just then, Padme started giggling again.
"What's so funny?" he asked after a while, when it was clear that her laughter wasn't going to subside.
"The ceiling keeps changing colours!" she giggled, observing as the room span, and the ceiling changed colours from blue, to purple, to white, to green. However, Padme now couldn't remember why she had been laughing, so she instead made herself content on just watching the multi-coloured ceiling.
As she lay there, she heard a funny rumbling and looked over to find out that it was Obi-Wan. He was strangely standing on his head, and she began to laugh at how stupid he looked. Then she began to get annoyed, so poked him in the side and told him to stop laughing. He responded, and she looked at his lips as she tried to work out what he was saying. His words were spinning round in her head and getting all jumbled up, giving her a serious headache.
She decided to kiss him to make it stop. However, he wouldn't stop spinning, and eventually she toppled out of bed, laughing her head off.
Obi-Wan lifted her back into bed and began saying something again.
"Shhhhhh," Padme said, placing a finger on what she thought was his mouth. As it turned out, she just poked him in the eye.
At last, however, she lay still and Obi-Wan peered over, searching her eyes for any signs of what she might do next. But they were unfocused now, and with a sleepy smile and a muttered sentence about marmite flavoured candyfloss, they closed and her breathing became heavy and slow and even.
oOo
Obi-Wan gently eased himself out from under her arms a little while later, and swiftly left her room before she could wake up again.
Then he went into the kitchen and found the bottle of wine, still three quarters full, aiming to dispose of it before this whole incident could be repeated.
That stuff must be strong. He thought to himself. If a tiny sip can make Anakin lose focus and only about a glass full turn Padme into a looney, then what would the rest of this bottle do to someone? Especially someone weak minded. I mean, those two have the strongest minds I've ever encoutered, and it reduced them to...well... I'de better get rid of it before anyone else drinks it.
However as he went to tip it down the sink, he caught a whiff that smelt like heaven. He took a sip and it tasted like heaven too.
Shame to waste such a fine drink. He thought as he took a glass from the cupboard and began to fill it up...
The End!