Jack and the Turkey Baster
Jack O'Neill stood and stared at the pale white flesh of the long legs that stuck up out of the sink. He looked upon the rounded thirty-pound butterball that was slowly becoming his nemesis. He took a breath and grabbed the turkey's leg and pulled it slightly aside to look inside the cavity of the partly thawed out turkey. His face turned to disgust as he realized the gizzards of the meal were still frozen inside the bird. "Oh, for crying out loud." He stated to himself. His hand reached into the frozen tundra of the turkey's hind end and felt for the crystallized innards. The phone rang as his hand felt for a crack in the packed ice inside the cavity.
His hand covered with frozen turkey reached for the phone. "What." He stated.
"Jack, it's Daniel." The familiar voice stated.
"Yeah?" Jack then hauled the turkeys butt under the running water of the faucet.
"Sam said your cooking us turkey for tonight." Daniel replied.
"That's right." Jack watched the water run out of the inside of the bird.
"Have you ever done that before?" Daniel asked with uncertainty.
Jack took a frustrated breath. "I'm sure I can figure it out…so, let me ask you Daniel…have you ever cooked a turkey before?" Jack already knew the answer to that question. Daniel, Teal'c and Carter were all turkey virgins.
"No." Daniel replied in sheepish tone. "Are you having a problem with the turkey Jack?"
"I have it under control." He lifted the half frozen bird and watched the water drip out the neck. "Is there something in there?" He noticed a bulge in the notch of the neck.
"Something in where?" Daniel asked over the phone.
"Nothing, is there a reason you called?" Jack replied.
"Um, Sam wanted to know if you needed a turkey baster for tonight?" Daniel stated. "She wondered if I had one. I don't know why she thought I would have one, I don't even know what it is."
"I don't need a turkey baster Daniel…is there anything else?" Jack then let the big butterball fall back down into the sink.
"Okay, do you still need me to bring pie?" Daniel asked.
"You're not making it yourself, are you?" Jack sounded worried.
"It's frozen in a box, I'm sure I can cook that." Daniel replied. "I got pumpkin and apple."
"I wanted cherry." Jack told him. "Did you get cherry?"
"I will get a cherry pie, okay Jack." Daniel soon tried to hang up the phone. "Gotta go bye." He feared he would have another pie or something else that was out of his culinary range.
Jack put down the cordless phone and put his hand in the turkeys butt once more. "Still frozen, how could you still be frozen? You had twelve hours to thaw." He asked the frozen centerpiece of thanksgiving dinner. "Okay, mom how did you do this?" Jack asked the air. His mind wandered back to his childhood. His father watching TV while his mother peeled potatoes in the kitchen. He remembered the fest of mashed potatoes and ham. He could not remember his mother making a turkey for them. "Ah, she had ham. Why did she always cook a ham?"
His fingers scraped at the frozen insides of the bird till finally and huge chunk of ice came out "That should do it." he seemed pleased with himself. His hand went back in once more only to find another hung of ice, adhered to inner cavity of the bird "For crying out loud." he stated once more.
The phone rang again. "Yeah?" He answered it.
"Sir." It was Carter.
"What is it Carter?" Jack spoke into the phone, hand still inside the bird's butt.
"You do have a turkey baster, right?" Carter's voice asked.
"What the hell do I need a turkey baster for in the first place Carter?" Jack wondered. "Have you ever used one, do know what it is for?"
"Um, no but my mother had a turkey baster on the stove when she cooked the turkey. I thought you knew how to work it." Carter admitted.
"Didn't you help your mother cook when you were a kid?" Jack asked her.
"No, mom didn't let me near her kitchen." Carter told him. "She feared I would blow something up."
"So, neither you or Daniel have ever cooked a turkey before and Teal'c has no idea what a turkey is." Jack concluded.
"Um, pretty much." Carter then added "Sir."
"So why are calling me asking if I have a baster? The turkey is still frozen and it's not thawing any faster." Jack conceded. "How do you get a turkey to thaw out faster?"
"Um, microwave it…sir?" Carter sounded like she was asking him as if it was a trick question.
"It's bigger than microwave." Jack told her.
"Um…how about you put in the oven for a little while to help thaw it out…oh, no that could cause bacteria to grow." Carter was thinking hard on the problem.
"How about I just stick it in the oven at a higher temperature and let it cook longer?" Jack asked her.
"That could work, but not too high." Carter told him.
"Anything else Carter?" Jack asked her.
"Oh, I wanted to let you know that I'm bring the bean casserole." Jack rolled his eyes at the dreaded casserole. "Sir, you there?" Carter asked after hearing dead silence.
"Sounds great Carter. Gotta go." Jack hung up the phone. "Okay, you're going in the oven early." He told the bird.
Jack found himself stuffing the turkey into the big silver throw away pan. "Okay, it fits. What about stuffing the turkey?" He washed his hands and the counter top and then picked up the box of stuffing. "For best results use stove top method." Jack read the package out loud. "Ah, for crying out loud. Why bother to stuff the bird if your gonna cook it on the stove?" He opened the package of stuffing mix and picked up the turkey by the meaty drumstick and dumped the dry stuffing mix into the bird. "There's enough ice in there, I won't need to add water." He concluded and then stuffed the bird and dried breadcrumbs into the oven. "Why would Sarah always have the oven hot in the first place? Oh, well in you go." He closed up the oven and then turned the oven on. "Let's see, 475 should do it. He cranked it up and let the concoction mellow in the oven.
Jack walked over to his bookshelf and pick up his grandmother's cookbook. He walked back to the table with it. "Turkey…turkey…turkey." Jack stated as he looked in the book. "Ah, here we are. I probably should have looked at this first." He told himself. "Okay, stoke fire in oven to get it hot." He thought about the outdated cookbook. "It's hot now, place turkey in roasting pan, season and cover. Place pan with turkey in hot oven at 325 degrees. Um, mines a bit hotter." Jack told himself. "Baste turkey periodically to prevent drying." He got up and went to this counter and pulled on the utensil drawer. "Baster…baster…baster?" He searched for the baster. He opened the next drawer down and started to pull out gadgets and a pistol. "Let's see what we have here. Egg holder, steak fork, flipper do hickey, 9mm pistol, clip, extra rounds, um, no baster."
He went down to the next drawer. "Let's see, pot holders, what the hell?" He pulled out something white with elastic on it. "Underwear? Who's are these, this isn't my brand." He placed the mens briefs on the counter and continued to look for the elusive baster. "Rolling pin? Where did I get that from?" He continued down to the next drawer. "Aluminum foil, plastic wrap, lunch baggies, nope not in there."
He stood back and wondered where the baster could be. He opened the cupboards looking for the baster. "Turkey baster, damn what else could I use?" He looked at his home computer. "Internet." He went over and clicked the search button for the word turkey baster.
Up in front of him came his search page. "Turkey baster," it showed a long tub like gadget with a bulb syringe on the end of it. "Nope, don't have anything like that. What else could I use? He clicked on the next topic. "Woman impregnates self with a turkey baster?" his face puckered at the visual drawn in his mind. "How would the guy get it in the baster in first place?" His shoulders shuddered at the thought. "What else is on this search, turkey baster law, what the heck is a turkey baster law? Woman sues doctor for not artificially inseminating her." his eyes blinked. "I don't even want to know."
He clicked down on a few more out curiosity. "Woman uses turkey baster as a du… okay, moving on." He scrolled down on the screen. "Man brought to hospital with a turkey baster inserted in his an… what the heck?" He sat in his chair and stared at the screen as a shiver ran down his spine. He then looked at the mysterious underwear on his counter top and his thoughts ran wild.
The doorbell rang and Jack went to answer it. There stood Daniel with Teal'c, in civilian clothing holding four pies. "Guess what Jack, the store was still open! I didn't think it would be with thanksgiving but they were." Daniel sounded very proud of himself.
"Okay, that's great Daniel." He motioned them into the house. "The stores are open on thanksgiving?" He asked himself.
"Indeed." Teal'c replied.
"So, Jack what are we having with the turkey?" Daniel could smell it cooking.
"Um, Carter is bringing her bean casserole thing." Jack stated
"I like that." Teal'c added with a smile.
"And Janet is brining sweet potatoes and white potatoes." Jack told them.
Jack led them into the dinning area of his house; Daniel brought the pies into the kitchen with Teal'c in tow. "Jack, I don't know much about cooking turkeys but I'm pretty sure that smoke coming from the store is a bad sign." Daniel told him.
"Oh, for crying out loud." Jack opened up the oven to find an extra crispy bird.
"So, are you cooking the turkey Cajun style?" Daniel asked with a smirk.
"It appears to be burnt." Teal'c added. "Does this feast require the main course to be burnt?"
"No, T it does not." Jack told him after taking the blackened bird out of the oven. "Damn." He looked at the overdone bird. "Well, maybe we can just peel the shin off?" He took the knife and fork and started to dissect the carcass.
Daniel spotted the underwear on the counter. "Are those mine?" He picked them up. "Size 36, fruit of the Loom. Do you wear a 36 Jack?"
Jack looked at Daniel and the mysterious underwear. "No and I don't wear Fruit of the Loom, so tell me Daniel how did your underwear get in my pot holder drawer?" Daniel looked dumbfounded and shrugged. "Ah for crying out loud."
"I don't know Jack." Daniel replied.
"No, the turkey is still frozen inside" Jack explained. "How can it still be frozen?" Daniel repeated the dumbfounded look and shrugged again. "You know…for a linguist you don't have much to say."
"I don't know." Daniel stuttered.
From the front door they heard a voice call out. "Jack, Daniel, Teal'c…it's me Sam."
"In the kitchen, Sam." Daniel yelled for her.
They watched Carter walk into the kitchen carrying her bean casserole in a foil-covered dish. She looked at their nearly smiling faces. "So, how's it going?'
"Well, Jack burned the turkey and my underwear is on his counter." Daniel proclaimed. "How it got there, I don't know."
"You burnt the turkey?" Carter asked. "What did you set the oven at?"
"Too high obviously." Daniel remarked.
Jack threw him a look. "It doesn't matter what I set the oven at. I'm sorry I ruined thanksgiving day dinner, but hell I don't care and you want to know why I don't care? Because we still have pie." He looked at Daniel. "Exactly how did your underwear get in my kitchen drawer Daniel?"
"I don't know Jack. What do you think I am some sick pervert who goes around placing my laundry in other peoples drawers?" Daniel shot back.
"I don't know, you could be." Jack rebutted.
They heard another voice come from the front of the house. "Jack, Sam, Daniel, Teal'c…where are you?" It was Janet.
"Kitchen." Jack called out opening up the widow behind the stove to get the rest of the smoke out.
Janet and Cassie both walked into the kitchen and saw Daniel holding a pair of underwear and Jack waving smoke out the widow. "Did you have an accident Daniel?" She asked him with a smile.
"No." He placed his underwear in his pocket.
"Oh, is that the turkey?" She looked at black bird.
"Wow mom, you were right. Jack can't cook." Cassie stated holding a large roasting pot. "We brought a ham."
"And potatoes." Janet brought two trays of food over to the counter top. She looked at Daniel who seemed flustered. "What's wrong Daniel?"
"I'm still trying to figure out how my underwear got in Jack's pot holder drawer." He confessed.
"Well, didn't you have to use Jack's washer and dryer when you moved?" Janet recalled.
"Yeah." Daniel thought back on it.
"And didn't Jack have something that went through the was with yours?" Janet theorized.
"Yeah he did." Daniel admitted. "So, perhaps a pair of my underwear got mixed in with Jack's stuff."
"I was washing a few potholders that day." Jack recalled, "So, you brought dinner." he picked up the lid and smelled the fresh roasted ham. "Mmm, Janet you are a hero."