Disclaimer: Me no owney Yoo-gee-ohh
"Could you go get the mail for me, Yugi?" asked Grandpa. "Sure Grandpa," Yugi repiled. Yugi went outside to the street curb and opened the mailbox as he did nearly every other day and found only one letter. Oddly enough, the letter was addressed to Yugi. This was strange because usually Yugi never got any mail. "What is there in the mail today?" asked Grandpa. "There's only a letter for me," replied Yugi. "Odd," said Grandpa, "you hardly ever get any mail." "I know," said Yugi.
Yugi went up to his room in the top of the game shop and opened the letter he had received. Yugi almost had a heart attack when he learned that the letter was from the Domino National Guard. As Yugi read on, he discovered that he was needed on the battlefront of the war against Durem Island. It was requested that he go to the National Guard armory and show the I.D. card that had been enclosed in the letter. He did so and as a result, he found himself being shipped off to boot camp.
Little did Yugi know, but there was no war against Durem Island. Durem Island doesn't even exist. Maybe if he payed more attention in civics he would have known this (he also would have known that the Empire State Building was in New York City, and wouldn't have gotten squished by a bag of quarters falling from 100 stories up). The real deal was that Kaiba had payed many members of the outlying communities and some of the Domino citizens to be a part of a fake battle. Do you know how many times Yugi wouldn't have had to die if Kaiba wasn't uber rich?
Yugi sensed something was wrong when he was supplied with tomatoes as weapons. He was told that the enemy islanders hated them so he didn't know any better. His uniform was baggy and uncomfortable, and his helment was way too big so that he could not see where he was chucking his tomatoes.
When Yugi arrived on the front lines, soon after he saw many of the people of Domino's army "die" in front of him (you wouldn't believe how realistic red paintballs look on contact), he went straight to his tomato bunker. He kept blindly throwing tomatoes until the sound of evil laughter ensued him. He looked up and saw 6 guns poking their barrels into his tomato bunker. "I surrender!" Yugi yelled as his hands shot straight up into the air. "Stupid tomatoes," Yugi muttered as he was led to a "P.O.W. camp" which was actually an abandoned warehouse of Kaiba Corp's. He was chained up inside a large bird cage, unable to move. Then the door opened and, to Yugi's shock (not), came Seto Kaiba all dressed up as a four star general for the "Durem Republic".
"Heh heh heh heh heh," Kaiba chuckled. "We meet again, little Yugi," said Kaiba. "Seto Kaiba," Yugi replied, "Why am I not surprised." "Because I've killed you nine times before, that's why you're not surprised," Kaiba retorted. "And this time, I plan on making your misery painfully long," said Kaiba. "The weapon!" he shouted to his "comrades". "Yes sir!" they all barked back. Yugi could only watch as the feather was brought into view on a delicate pillow. "NOOOOO!" screamed the helpless Yugi, "Not tickle torture, anything but that!" Kaiba chuckles "Play it." "Right away, sir," said a soldier holding a tape player that Yugi just now realized. Barney Song plays "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO my poor little ears!" said the Yugi that wanted to kill himself right at that moment.
So Kaiba went to work delicately tickling Yugi for a full hour and then, handed the crazed Yugi a baseball bat and uncuffed his hands. Yugi did what anyone would do. He beat the crap out of himself to put him out of his misery. Kaiba walked out of the complex to meet Marik at the entrance. "Please please pleeeeease?" said Marik. Sigh "Fine," said Kaiba, tossing the key to Yugi's cage to Marik. "WOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!" shouted Marik who then ran into the building, unlocked the cage, took the puzzle, and again, danced creepily and obscenely. Phoenix III: Smack! This needs to stop you fiendish villain! Marik makes a puppy dog face Phoenix III: That crap doesn't work on me, I wrote this story! "Fine, I'll stop," said Marik. Then he left, leaving Yugi's body in the cage: baseball bat still in hand.
(The End) Half of it…