Disclaimer: I own nothing. The full versions of this and all my fics can be found on adultfanfiction.net author ID Shanastay.
Chapter 9: Going Back - Part II
Jan lifted up her visor as she rode. She loved the feel of the wind on her face and in her hair. The helmet bothered her, but she recognized its safety value. She found herself humming the opening bars of Gloria Estefan's Reach as she rode.
There's nothing like the feeling of the wind in your face and the throb of a V-6 engine between your legs.
Janessa couldn't help herself as she sang out her favorite inspirational song.
Some dreams
Live on in time
Forever
Those dreams
You want with all your heart
And I'll do
Whatever it takes
Follow through
With the promise I made
Put it all on the line
What I hope for at last
Would be mine
If I could reach
Higher
Just for one moment touch the sky
From that one moment in my life
I'm gonna be
Stronger
Know that I've tried my very best
And put my spirit to the test
If I could reach
Some days
Are meant to be
Remembered
Those days
We rise above
The stars
And I'll go
The distance this time
Seeing more
The higher I climb
That more I believe
That the more that this dream will be mine
If I could reach
Higher
Just for one moment touch the sky
From that one moment in my life
I'm gonna be
Stronger
Know that I've tried my very best
And put my spirit to the test
If I could reach
Janessa continued singing as she reached the range and set up for practice.
If I could reach
Higher
Just for one moment touch the sky
From that one moment in my life
I'm gonna be
Stronger
I'm gonna be so much stronger yes I am
I put my spirit to the test
If I could reach
Reach I'd reach I'd reach I'd reach so much higher…
Her voice trailed off as she realized the practice range was deserted as she had anticipated. With a sardonic grin plastered to her face and still humming Reach she started practicing.
Janessa finally realized the sun was starting to go down and the archery range was closing. She could see a long figure at the end of the range tapping his foot impatiently waiting for her to leave. She proceeded down-range to retrieve her last set of arrows. Jan packed up her quiver, using the same two bandanas to secure her arrows.
Janessa made sure her quiver was still secure on her back with her bow. She climbed onto her bike and started it up. She just sat there for a moment, just enjoying the feel of the powerful machine between her thighs. Janessa traced the lines of the flame design on the engine with a fingertip. She felt a shiver of pleasure run up her spine.
Alright. Enough reverie.
Jan pulled the bike upright hit the stand and took off. As she rode she decided to take the scenic route. Jan headed up the overlook and turned into the lot. She pulled up to the sidewalk, parked the bike and climbed off. Jan quickly retrieved a particular arrow from her quiver that she wanted to examine as it had not been flying quite right.
I could go for another snack right now.
As Janessa reached into the saddlebag that held Pat's goodie bag her hand closed around something else. Withdrawing her hand Janessa found herself looking at one of her old notebooks.
Oh wow. Wonder what I wrote in this one.
Flipping through the pages she realized the small book was one of her poetry notebooks. Jan fished around in the saddlebag coming up with a granola bar and a bottle of water. She quickly dropped her lone arrow loosely into her quiver. Taking the notebook with her she walked down the short path to a bench overlooking the Academy.
Jan sat down on the bench and turned to the first poem in the notebook.
"Sanctuary." I remember when I wrote this.
What has brought me
To this place
Of silence and solitude?
I am alone.
Is it the quiet
I crave?
Do I wish
To be here?
Alone?
Simplicity is bliss?
Ignorance is bliss?
I no longer know.
Chaos surrounds me,
But here,
At last.
I find sanctuary.
But is it so?
Or simply
Another illusion?
Something cooked up
By the psyche
To protect the fragile mind?
Am I tough, hard
Or simply
Putting on a show?
For whom?
Why?
What is it
That makes me retreat here?
Is this truly a refuge?
Or a tomb?
I feel safe,
But not alive.
As I pull away
From everyone
Everything
Is it refuge
I seek
Or death?
I want to reach out
But I don't
For fear that reaching hand
Will be cut off.
I fear
Fear reprisal
For daring to hope,
Daring to look out from this place,
This haven?
I have created.
Is this a sanctuary
Or a prison?
A hell
Of my own making
With the accoutrements
Of heaven?
Tall
Strong
Independent
Alone
What, no, who is it
I wish to seek?
I keep my fantasies safe
Ensconced in unreal worlds
Of others' making
My dreams stay
Within the boundaries
Others have set
I dare not dream
Of possibility
My heart has been burned
Tormented
Flayed open
Still beating
What is it to hope?
When you already know
The results?
The games are rigged.
House always wins.
Why bother playing?
Is it worth
Taking a chance
That does not exist?
What is this place?
This reality I've created
Where moving forward
I find myself
Standing still.
A part of the world
But not.
I retreat
To this place
Where I belong?
Is it?
Is it safe?
Or just another excuse
To hide
Ignoring life
Letting it pass by
Conscious
To the passage of time
Yet refusing
To let it touch me.
What is this place?
These barriers
I've erected?
What brings me here?
Why do I hide?
Please.
Someone.
Get me out!
Janessa looked up from the page.
I wrote that right before they finally kicked me out of this place.
She let her gaze wander over the landscape of the Academy in the fading sunlight. The cadet chapel was framed against the dying sun.
The ultimate testament to maleness. Damn thing looks like a fucking accordion. God I hate this place.
Janessa's gaze filled with hate as she looked out at the campus spread before her. In the distance she could see a squadron PTing its four-degrees. The faint sounds of the upperclassmen yelling at them floated up to her. She could make out the occasional word amongst the jumble of sound.
"Freak…pathetic…weak…worthless…lazy…stupid…FAT!..."
Janessa shivered, the words chilling her to the core. A car pulled into the lot behind Janessa and the faint strains of music reached her ears. Janessa recognized the song as Michelle Branch's Good-bye To You. Her eyes went unfocused as the words drifted over to her.
Of all the things I believed in
I just want to get it over with
Flashback to the day of Janessa's honor board
Honor code my ass. I'm screwed before I even go in there.
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Flash to the end of the honor board
Janessa standing at the end of the conference table screaming at the top of her lungs, "THE TRUTH DOESN'T MEAN SHIT IN THIS HELL-HOLE! IT MEANS NOTHING! CONGRATULATIONS ON FLUSHING AN INNOCENT PERSON'S ENTIRE LIFE RIGHT DOWN THE DRAIN!!!" Tears shining in her eyes, she refused to let a single one fall.
Counting the days that pass me by
Sitting alone in her dorm room Janessa waited for the final word of her disenrollment.
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Why did I ever come here? For all the wrong reasons. It was the only acceptance letter dad cried over. Everyone said I'd never make it. I was determined to prove them wrong.
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Janessa's mother's voice saying, "But they were right. You couldn't make it. You failed." Janessa visibly winced at the words.
Feels like I'm starting all over again
Janessa packing everything up and leaving the Academy.
The last 3 years were just pretend
Still in shock as she drives away, left hand out the window, USAFA in her rearview, middle finger held high in defiance.
And I said
Good-bye to you
Jan sitting on her fiancé Tim's lap, telling him she had been disenrolled.
Good-bye to everything that I knew
Janessa standing at the chapel wall looking out over the terrazzo. I've spent my whole adult life up till now here. What do I do? Where do I go now?
You were the one I loved
Janessa sitting on Tim's lap as he tells her, "I was marrying a Lieutenant, not a fucking Airman."
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
Janessa jerking away from Tim like she'd been burned, eyes flashing in disbelief, "What?!?"
I used to get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Tim cowering in a corner of the dorm room as Janessa threw everything not bolted down at him, screaming the whole time, finally chasing him out of the room.
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
Janessa curled up in the only corner of her room free of broken glass, rocking back and forth.
Good-bye to you
Good-bye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
Janessa stalking down the dorm hallway, cadets flattening themselves against the walls to get out of her way, anger radiating off her in waves. Tim spots her from the other end of the hall, turns and runs.
And it hurts to want everything
And nothing at the same time
Looking out from the roof of Vandenberg Hall, I want to stay to make dad proud, but I hate this place so much I can't bear it.
Janessa running over her engagement ring with her motorcycle, tears in her eyes, yelling at Tim as he watches, "Lieutenant not a fucking Airman huh?!? I'm not good enough for you now?"
Good-bye to you
Good-bye to everything I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
I taught him EVERYTHING! I was his first everything! Use 'em and lose 'em. She looks down at her t-shirt. LOSER MAGNET. Story of my life.
Good-bye to you
Good-bye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
Janessa felt someone come up behind her. Somehow she knew it was him. She stood, curling her hands into fists, steeling herself for the confrontation she knew was about to happen.
Noooooooo-oooooooohhhhhh
Janessa stepped back with her left foot, swiveling to the left, trying not to telegraph her intentions as she shifted her weight to her left foot and lashed out with a right cross at the person who had tried to sneak up on her.
He dodged out of the way barely in time, falling back onto the ground. He stared up at Janessa with a mixture of fear and awe on his face.
And when the stars fall I will lie awake
You're my shooting star.
Janessa stared down at the man on the ground, face contorted in rage.
"Well, hello to you too," he said as he picked himself up off the ground, dusting his uniform off. "Helluva way to greet someone."
Janessa just stared at him, refusing to respond, her notebook clutched in one hand, praying her eyes were deceiving her.
"Well, you obviously remember me," as he takes a step back, bringing his hands up to a defensive position, "and you haven't forgiven me."
"What the fuck do you want Tim?" Janessa demanded through clenched teeth, barely containing her rage. "How the hell did you find out I was here?"
"Hey, hey. I just came to say hi and see how you're doing. Haven't heard from you in over 3 years. Just wondering how you were getting on." While he was talking Tim had taken several more steps back, widening the space between them. Tim was all too aware of how dangerous Janessa could be when provoked.
The girl didn't get to be the international kata master she is by being unaware of her surroundings and threats. Maybe approaching Janessa this way wasn't the best of ideas.
Boy you sure look good there
Standing in the doorway in the sunset light
Maybe I read you wrong
Thinking you could be my mister right
The irony of Jo Dee Messina's Bye-bye Love coming from the car in the parking lot was not lost on Janessa. She looked at the opening distance between them and smiled malignantly. "I can see you're still intimidated by me. Aww is the big bad 1st Lt. afraid of a defenseless little girl half his size?" she blatantly mocked him.
I was putting my heart and soul on the line
Said you needed some time
Just you a little more time
To make up your mind
"You know full well Jan, you are anything but defenseless," Tim replied with a small smile, looking her up and down approvingly.
Well it's been long enough
Time is up
Janessa rolled her eyes with disgust. "If you're done ogling me I'll be on my way." Janessa made as if to walk past him.
Bye-bye love
I'll catch you later
His words stopped her in her tracks.
"I love you."
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator
And a rearview mirror torn off
Jan's shoulders tensed visibly.
I ain't ever lookin' back
Her back still to him she spat, "What did you say?"
And that's a fact
Tim sidestepped the question as Janessa turned to face him again.
I've tried all - I can't imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
"Aren't you even a little bit curious how I knew you were here?"
I've got pride
I'm taking it for a ride
Jan raised one eyebrow, a sardonic look gracing her face, "I assumed your buddy Jason at the South Gate clued you in to my presence on base. I knew he was looking a little too hard at my ID."
Bye-bye bye-bye
My baby bye-bye
"Actually the ESPN news briefs were my first clue you were gonna be around."
Don't think all those tears are gonna hold me here like they've done before
"And you decided to seek me out why? Because you enjoy pain and getting beat down?" Janessa snarled as she stalked back towards him.
Tim stopped her by uttering that phrase again.
"I still love you."
You'll find what's left of us
In a cloud of dust on highway 4
"Love. You throw that word around a lot. I don't think you understand what it means though." Janessa continued stalking towards Tim as he retreated under her level gaze. He kept backing up until the backs of his knees hit a bench forcing him to sit down.
Baby what did you expect me to do
Just sit around and wait on you?
Janessa's response was immediate, pushing him back onto the bench, her knees coming up to straddle his hips, trapping his hands by his sides under her legs.
Well I'm through watching you
Skate around the truth
And I know it sounds trite
I've seen the light
Her left hand dropped the notebook on the bench and grasped his neck while her right rested on the bench, steadying her. Tim choked audibly, his eyes widening as Janessa let more of her weight rest on his throat.
Bye-bye love
I'll catch you later
Janessa leaned down until her face was mere inches from Tim's.
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator
And a rearview mirror torn off
'Cause I ain't ever lookin' back
And that's a fact
"Love," she spat into his face. "You don't know the meaning of the word. You never loved me. If you loved me, my disenrollment wouldn't have meant anything," her grip on his neck tightened. "You only loved what I could do to you - what I could make you feel."
I've tried all I can't imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
To demonstrate her point Janessa proceeded to run her tongue along Tim's jaw line and up around his ear.
I've got pride
I'm taking it for a ride
Tim's response was instantaneous. He hissed through his compressed windpipe and Janessa could feel his erection throbbing through his uniform blues.
Bye-bye bye-bye
My baby bye-bye
"Interesting. After 3 years that's all it takes. Couldn't find anyone as freaky as me could ya?" Janessa mocked him. She pulled him up slightly by the neck and slammed his head back against the cement bench, making Tim's vision swim.
I've lost the game I guess
I did my best to win the part
"Get this through your sick, stalker head. I. AM. NOT. YOURS. I. NEVER. WILL. BE! Come after me again and I WILL deep-six your entire career and send you to Leavenworth! You lost me the moment you told me you were 'marrying a Lt. not a fucking Airman!'" She punctuated the last two words by slamming his head down again.
Now I'm leaving here
With what's left of my heart
Janessa let up and was off him in a flash, collecting her notebook as she left.
Bye-bye I'll catch you later
By the time Tim stood up she was on her bike, starting it up.
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator
And a rearview mirror torn off
He coughed as he ran towards her, "Janessa! Please wait!" he croaked.
'Cause I ain't ever lookin' back
You can count on that
Moving too fast for Tim to see Janessa had Legolas out, an arrow nocked and aimed at his heart.
"Stop."
I've tried all I can't imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
Tim froze at the sound of her voice. It was completely void of emotion, laced with ice.
I've got pride
I'm taking it for a ride
"I have a broad-head hunting arrow pointed at you. If I release this, it will kill you."
Bye-bye bye-bye
My baby bye-bye
Tim started to move forward again when he noticed Janessa's draw arm beginning to shake.
Bye-byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Her aim never wavered but he suddenly realized, She can't hold that arrow much longer. She just came from practicing so she must be tired. One move I'm dead.
Oh baby
Janessa couldn't believe she was actually threatening her ex-fiancé.
Ohhhhhhhh
I'm inactive reserve. I could go to Leavenworth for this. Shit! I can't hold this much longer. Please back down. I hate you, but I don't want to kill you.
"Ok. Ok." Tim stepped back to the bench and sat down.
Janessa let down on her bow and put it away. With a last baleful glare in Tim's direction she sped off in the direction of the North Gate.
Bye-bye bye-bye
My baby bye-bye
A/N: you know you hate me.
From a previous chapter and sure to appear in future chapters IHTFP stands for I Hate This Fucking Place.
Vandenberg Hall is one of the cadet dorms at USAFA.
Leavenworth is a notorious federal penitentiary where court-martialed military get sent. You get to break big rocks into little rocks there.
PT is physical training.
A four-degree is a freshman; three-degree would be a sophomore, etc.