Disclaimer: Naruto doesn't belong to me (although I wish he did! He's my little baby!) And none of the other character do either!
Warnings: Angst, Shounen Ai/Yaoi. Occasional bad language. Attempted suicide.
Pairings: Mainly Kiba/Naruto, Kakashi/Iruka, and some occasional mentions of Neji/Sasuke, Sakura/Tenten, Shino/Hinata etc etc….
A BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATERS
Chapter One: Sorry for the way I am.
Life at the moment was relatively okay for Naruto. Missions had bee going well so they had been given the day off. He had no idea what his teammates or his sensei were doing (although he had his suspicions about Kakashi) so he was wandering about aimlessly, intent on enjoying the last of the good weather.
He ignored the subtle and the not so subtle glares that followed him. Or if he couldn't, he smirked obnoxiously in their direction and laughed as he danced out of the way of whatever projectiles were hurled towards him.
It was nearing lunchtime, and his stomach suddenly decided to inform him that it was in need of some food, so he headed towards his favorite ramen stand. There was no one around who could treat him to ramen, so he would have to splurge a little, and dig into his precious savings.
As he changed directions, he heard his name being called. He turned to try to see who was calling him, but he could see no one.
"Naruto no baka! Over here!"
He turned his head towards the White Rose, a popular hangout for all shin obi. It was more of a lounge really, with cozy booths and low tables.
Slightly confused, Naruto headed towards its entrance, wondering who had called him and why. It was a few moments later that he spotted Inuzuka Kiba, who was grinning wildly and waving.
"What are you doing here?" Naruto asked in confusion.
"Eh?" It was Kiba's turn to look at him in confusion. "We always meet up here."
"What?" Naruto asked, a sinking feeling in his stomach.
"Yeah. At least once a week." Kiba frowned. "All the of our former genin teams."
"Oh." Naruto tried to hide his hurt, but Kiba must have seen it, because he looking faintly troubled.
It was a betrayal that cut deeper than any he had ever experienced. His team met here too?
"Don't worry. Maybe they just forgot to tell you." Kiba tried to reassure him, slapping his back.
That was doubtful. 'Accidentally-on-purpose' more like it. But maybe he was being too cynical about this. A knot of pain had formed in his stomach and throat, and he swallowed painfully. Sakura…and Sasuke…..His head spun in confusion as he tried to make sense of it all.
He shook his head slightly. They wouldn't do that….would they? Maybe there really was a good reason for this and he was being too suspicious.
"Come in. I'm sure they'll all want to see you."
He fought the impulse to snort rudely. After all, Kiba was obviously trying his best to comfort him, and he appreciated that.
"Whatever." He muttered under his breath as he followed Kiba inside.
He paused in the cozily lit lounge and waited for his eyes to adjust to the dimmer lighting. What he saw almost made him sit down in shock.
All of his friends (now mostly chuunin and a few jounin) were gather on a set of low couches there, looking relaxed and comfortable as they chatted and laughed.
They hadn't spotted him yet, so he took a moment to catch his breath and assess the situation.
Lee was talking in animated tones to Sakura, with Ten ten rolling her eyes as she listened in. Shikamaru looked slightly annoyed because Ino was currently attached to his arm, telling him about her day. Naruto hadn't even known that they were dating…
Shino and Hinata were sitting slightly separate from the others, but Naruto's sharp eyes picked up on the fact that they were holding hands. As were Sakura and Tenten….he almost did a double take when he saw that. Wasn't Sakura in love with Sasuke?
Speaking of which…Sasuke was…Sasuke was currently whispering something in Neji's ear. They looked incrediably intimate, touching in a way that suggested they were more that friends. So…Sasuke…and Neji too?
He couldn't help the storm of angry jealousy and pain that swept through him as he took in the scene. He hoped his face wasn't betraying his maelstrom of emotions at that moment. He hoped his face wasn't betraying him. His gut clenched tightly, to the point of physical pain and he fought the urge to double over in pain.
Beside him, Kiba looked hesitant, and seemed unsure of what to do next.
After a moment, Naruto turned to him, putting on a beaming smile that what he was truly feeling at that moment, and let out a loud laugh.
"Are you going to buy me something to eat or what, Kiba?" he asked cheerfully.
Kiba searched his face seriously for a moment. Whatever he was looking for, he must have found, for he grinned broadly at him.
"Of course I'm not! Unlike you I work for my food…"
"Oi! Now that's hardly fair, is it?" Naruto scowled as they headed over to the group.
Another successful bout of acting. For the briefest of moments, he wished he wasn't such an expert at pretending. He wished he didn't have to his his feelings like this everyday. It wasn't fair, and he hated it. He wished he wasn't always hiding from things like this.
But then, whoever said life was fair?
Naruto left shortly after, making some lame excuse that he couldn't even remember anyway. No one seemed to care. He had caught Kiba watching him as he left, but he'd dismissed it automatically, knowing it meant nothing.
His hunger for ramen, his comfort food, had vanished along with his appetite. He found himself wandering about once more. The smile, his oh so convincing mask, had disappeared though as his mind ran in tiny circles. Around and around his thought ran, repeating themselves again and again until he felt like he wanted to scream.
He no longer took any joy from this wonderful weather. There was no warmth from the sun- its rays did nothing to banish the sudden cold he felt. The singing birds did nothing to lift his spirits, which lay submerged in the murky depths of his demon-tainted soul.
Even as he was feeling so depressed, there was no sense of building hysteria accompanying it. Depression was nothing unknown to him. He could think within the depths of his depression, a calm and calculating thought process which observed all that was wrong with him and his life. A certain clarity came to him that he never experienced any other time.
He though so much, and so often that time and time again he wished he really was stupid, so he didn't have to think as much.
The look on his face must have frightened people because now they shot him quick, alarmed looks and kept out of his way. Perhaps they thought he was going to lose it completely and slaughter everything and everyone within a five mile radius.
Let them think that, he thought. At least they would leave him alone.
Naruto didn't care where he went. He let his feet take him. So he wasn't surprised when he found himself walking alone in the forest, heading for the river. Oddly enough it was waster which calmed him. He loved the river. He loved to walk beside it and just…think. The quiet sound of running water had always served to sooth his anger, and his hurt and so he'd been coming here ever since he was a child.
Naruto loved to just sit and watch the sunlight dance on the waters surface. The river stones on which the sunlight rippled were smooth. Years and Years of water running over them had smoothed all the rough edges.
The lord knew that his rough edges would never be smooth. If anything, thje years would only make them sharper and more jagged.
After he had found a nice shady spot to sit, he settled down to think and stare into the water.
How could he have been so blind to what was happening around him? How was it that he had missed seeing those particular bonds form?
And hw was it that he had been excluded, yet again, from the comfortable friendships they had developed between them?
Well, that last question was an easy one to answer. He was surrounded by such love, and yet he had no part in it.
With narrowed eyes, he threw a rock into the river.
He didn't know what any of it meant, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to know either. Was it better to live in ignorance and not see the things that could cause hurt or was it better to know and live in misery?
Naruto wanted desperately to know and to understand. He couldn't stand the thought of not knowing but he shied away from the pain it would cause.
He didn't want to feel this hurt anymore. Long ago he had given up hope of ever being truly happy (could anyone be?) or at least content for long periods of time. But he wished he could be empty at least, emotionless as he had though Sasuke had been. At least it would scorch with every truth and painful discovery he uncovered.
Maybe if he was smarter he would be able to analyze this properly and come to some sort of understanding with himself. He could pick it apart and inspect it carefully before putting it back together with some resemblance of order.
But he wasn't a genius like Sasuke or Neji. He was the first to admit that. Hre could never hope to live up to the talent and intelligence that surrounded him. No, he was surrounded by his own blanket of mediocrity. The only thin that set him apart was the kyuubi. If he hadn't been able to use its power he would have been an average shinobi of Konoha. He'd probably be dead by now.
He rubbed his eyes tiredly. There was no space for him to breath in his village anymore, no room for him to feel anything but constricted by the expectations of those around him.
He longed desperately for a real friend. For someone who would listen to him, as if he was a real person. For someone who would willingly lend a helping hand when he needed it, and for someone who would welcome his own help instead of pushing it aside.
He wasn't selfish. But even he deserved that, right?
They had made it clear to him. They could have screamed it in his face and it would be no clearer than it already was.
There was no place for him there.
He wasn't brooding, or sulking he told himself. He was thinking, and pondering on this. The message had gotten through at last. He wasn't alone in the world, for he was surrounded by people. But he was alone in his heart, for he was in no one else's.
He decided as it got dark that he didn't want to return to an empty apartment again, so he headed towards Iruka's. His former sensei had given him a key long ago and had told him to let himself in whenever he wanted to, even if he wasn't home. He was always welcome.
It was nice, and had filled him with warm fuzzy feelings when Iruka had told him. Even if he didn't have any friends among his peers, he always had Iruka, his mentor and foster unofficial foster parent. He wasn't completely alone.
But he didn't often use the key, or even stay at Iruka's that much anymore. Iruka lived with Kakashi, who was his lover and life partner. They were happy together, and he didn't want to intrude on their privacy, so he stayed away.
The apartment was dark and quiet. No one was home yet. Which meant that Iruka was wither still at the academy or out somewhere with Kakashi and their friends.
After slipping off his sandals, Naruto wandered around the silent apartment. There were photo frames on the walls. Him and Iruka…Iruka and his team mates…Kakashi and Iruka…Kakashi and team 7…
So many memories…Iruka's apartment was a welcoming one. Always tidy and clean, but there was no formality to the neatness. Small items, figurines, books picture and scrolls all gave it a comfortable lived in feel. This was what a real home should be like. Filled with warmth and love and caring.
Naruto had always loved Iruka's apartment, ever since he had first come here when he was twelve. Five years later and he was still in love with the place. Well, it wasn't really Iruka's it was Iruka's and Kakashi's. He wondered if they would start a family. Even if they were a homosexual couple, there were other ways they could start their own family.
Iruka loved children, hence his career as a schoolteacher. Naruto knew that Iruka wanted children of his own someday. He wasn't so sure about Kakashi. It was sometimes hard for shinobi to start their own familes. Their lives were so unpredictable and unstable, but that didn't mean that it didn't happen. He had no doubt in his mind that Iruka could make a family work, despite the frequent ups and downs of the shinobi lifestyle.
Would there be a place for him in that family?
Selfishly, he wanted there to be. He wanted to belong to a family. He wanted to be loved, because he loved. Oh yes, he loved. He loved so many things that sometimes his heart ached with the amount of love he felt. Sometimes he thought he would overflow.
He loved Ramen. The way it smelt, and the way its spicy aroma would always evoke a strong hunger in him. He loved to walk in the rain, and to lie in his back in the warm sunlit grass in summer. He loved water. He loved the feeling of accomplishment that rushed through him whenever he completed a mission. He loved to learn new techniques and to train, and travel.
He loved Iruka for all his warmth and wisdom. And he loved Kakashi because he always seemed to know. He loved Sakura for her sharp intelligence and her wit. He loved Sasuke, for he was a brother and best friend. He loved Sandaime, and Tsunade-baa chan and ero-sennin.
Some of there people genuinely cared for him back. He could take pleasure in that, and he found little happiness's in the things that he loved; he could be content with that.
He could also take comfort in the illusions he built around himself. He would always have his dignity, his adaptability and his stamina.
But he longed to be held by that special someone. He longed to feel warm and safe for once. He longed to forget and be himself.
He longed for the others, his "friends" to stop taking him for granted and forgetting he was there.
He longed to belong to someone, and for someone to belong to him and him alone.
Naruto wandered around the darkened apartment for the better part of an hour. He half-heartedly poked around in the kitchen for food but soon gave up. He longed for Iruka to come home so they could talk about petty things. He longed for some company.
But no one came. The apartment stayed cold and quiet.
He lay down on the couch facing the living room window and stared out into the darkness, not really thinking about anything in particular. The stars twinkled at him as he breathed in the combined and familiar scents of Kakashi and Iruka.
Hours passé, but he did not move. Again and again he told himself that he was blowing things out of proportion, but his mind refused to accept this, as he lay there, wrapped in his loneliness and his depression.
Around midnight, he felt two presences approach the front door. It was Iruka and Kakashi.
The door was opened amid quiet words and muffled laughter.
He closed his eye, pretending to sleep and listened.
"Whose sandals are they?" Kakashi asked.
"They must be Naruto's." Iruka replied, followed by sounds of movement and the door closing. "I wonder what he's doing here?"
"You haven't seen him for awhile." Kakashi commented.
"No I haven't. We should keep it down; he's probably asleep."
There was a muffled thud then laughed.
"Damn it! Why didn't he put the lights on!" Iruka hissed. Kakashi's only reply was laughter.
Naruto kept his eyes closed as they came into the living room. Suddenly he didn't want to talk. Not to Iruka, not to anyone, so he slowed his breathing in the pretense of sleep.
"What's he doing sleeping on the couch? He knows I keep a room for him." Iruka said softly.
He felt something soft and warm covering him. A blanket.
"He must be cold. Its freezing in here."
Funnily enough, he hadn't even felt the cold. Or maybe he was too busy thinking about what had happened to day to notice that the temperature was dropping around him.
"Come to bed. I'm sure I can warm you up," came the sly response from Kakashi.
There was a soft thwacking sound as Iruka threw something at him. A quiet "Ow!" accompanied the laughter that followed the two out as they headed for their bedroom.
Naruto clutched the blanket closer as he fought back his tears and listened to them prepared for bed and settle down for the night. After awhile, the apartment became quiet once more.
Naruto stayed awake.
Hey all. Here's the first chapter! I'm hoping to get some review responses this time! (Hint Hint!) But thanks for reading! I'd like to make a few things clear before I go any further with this however.
In this story, all the rookie nine and seventeen years old. Neji's team is eighteen.
Lets just pretend that Sasuke has left the village and returned. It doesn't matter how or why- its not important. He isn't even a major character in this story, so its irrelevant.
This is a Kiba/Naruto fic. I'm pretty sure I've made this clear before, but if you don't like this kind of story, then don't read it and definitely don't flame it. I'm not interested, so don't try.
I realise that parts of this are very unoriginal, but give it a chance, ne? I promise it gets better!
So please review! Review keep me alive! Thanks for reading, folks! I'll be posting again soon!
Fractured Dreams