Title: A History of Them: Living Memories
AN: Obviously much of this fic is purely my imagination filling in some blanks. An offhand comment by Haru in vol. 8 got me wondering what made Rin suddenly decide to break up with him. Months later, this is what came out. Odds are, we're never going to find out what actually happened. Anyway, if anyone spots any canon errors, let me know. This was written with hazy memories of reading Shadow's wonderful translations of the chapter where Rin gets pushed out the window (from before all her translations became unavailable due to rampant idiocy). So obviously it's been a while, and mistakes are possible. Chapter 96 spoiler not in effect, because Rin doesn't know. Also, I know Akito is painted darkly in this fic, but it's because in my opinion Akito serves as something of a nightmare figure for both Haru and Rin, given their personal experiences (especially Rin's) with the effects of Akito's anger. I am in no way character bashing Akito. This is my interpretation of Rin's view of the character. Any and all feedback is welcome, especially constructive criticism.
Disclaimer: All characters are property of Natsuki Takaya, Hakusensha, Tokyopop, and FUNimation and are used without permission.
Rin woke with a start, disoriented. Her dreams tonight had been of times past, and so vivid that she had almost expected to see the hospital walls around her when she woke up instead of the soothing calmness of Kazuma's guest room. She wrinkled her nose in disgust at the short, sweat-damp strands of hair clinging to the back of her neck and the clammy feel of pillow underneath her head, before propping herself up enough to flip it over. Even after she lay back down on the now comfortably dry pillow, she stared open-eyed into the darkness, unable to drift back off to sleep.
She'd had nightmares on a regular basis for a very long time. Of course, she'd had the usual childhood nightmares about monsters under the bed and in the closet—until the monsters began wearing her parents' faces. After that, her nightmares became much more concrete; in fact, became mere replays of what was already happening to her.
Tonight's dream hadn't featured her parents but rather Akito. She supposed that in itself qualified it as a nightmare, given her recent experiences with the head of the Sohma clan. This particular dream though, had been about a time farther in the past, about the first time Akito had helped her into a hospital.
Rin didn't like to recall those days voluntarily, much less experience them all over again in living color at night. She supposed it had been inevitable, though, given that it had only been a week ago that she walked out of the hospital she had been taken to after Kureno took her from the cat's rooms. She had collapsed, and Haru had found her in an ironic mirror of one of the events that started her down this path so many years before. She had walked that road in her hallucinations that day, and continued to do so in her dreams.
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The last thing she remembered before the impact was falling, and wishing Haru would be there to pick her up when she hit. Then she woke in the hospital, aches encompassing the whole of her body and sharp pain centered on her right shoulder. It was a place uncomfortably familiar for her, a place that held nothing but bad memories of the times she had been there before.
Haru was a regular visitor from the beginning, and it was so easy to fall into the familiar pattern of learning on him for comfort, for support, for everything. Haru was her distraction from the pain of heart and body, from the weight of the past that crushed around her here. And when it all became too unbearable to stay in the hospital, he would come and sneak her out. He took care of her—much as he had always done, she realized now when she let herself think about it.
She knew what she had to do, needed to do for Haru's sake, and because it was what Akito wanted. But the only time she felt better was when Haru was there, so it was easy to hang on a little longer, to put off what she knew she had to do.
Maybe that's why she said what she did that day. It had been her only chance to take care of him, to protect him for once. She thought it only briefly before her mind shied away from the memories. The rage, the push, the sickening drop—they were too close, too fresh, the scar too newly healed to be poked at. She pushed them back, unable to bear looking at them. Unable to bear the memory of that face, twisted with disgust and anger. Unable to bear the memory of those words, like splinters of glass driving into her heart, piercing her hidden doubts and vulnerabilities.
"You have a visitor!" the nurse's falsely effervescent voice announced as the door opened after a brief knock.
The unwelcome presence of the overly cheerful nurse was overshadowed by her feelings of terror and hatred for the dark-haired, slim figure that slid into the room behind her.
Akito.
Fear made her flush first hot and then cold, a feeling accompanied by a strange buzzing noise in her head and the tightening of her stomach that was the usual prelude to nausea. She could see Akito speaking to the nurse, but couldn't discern what they were saying as the world wavered around her. The nurse left without a glance in her direction, and then all of Akito's attention focused on her.
Rin felt crystallized, as if somehow Akito's gaze had the power to turn her body into stone. Almost literally unable to speak, she sat there huddled inside herself as he glided towards her, stopping just short of the foot of the bed.
"You know, it might be better if you had died. You're such a burden, always causing others problems. You should try harder not to be so troublesome."
"Yes, Akito." Her voice came automatically, the answer popping out unbidden. Survival instincts honed by her parents but unused for the past several years took over. Her mouth providing the answers Akito wanted to hear, answers designed to placate, to calm, to divert the rage away from physical anger.
She felt cold and small, the pain radiating from her shoulder and stomach beginning to befuddle her mind. For a long moment she wandered the past, reliving another scene much like this one.
'Mommy, I'll be a good girl from now on, I promise. I won't cause any more trouble.'
In memory and in flesh she felt the smack of a hand across her cheek.
"Are you even listening to me, you stupid creature? I shouldn't have to remind you again of your place!"
Her mother's face blurred into Akito's as she blinked her eyes into focus.
"I'm glad to see you've learned your lesson, Isuzu, about staying away from what belongs to me. And after all, doesn't he deserve better than something worthless like you?" The last had been delivered in a gentle, modulated, almost loving tone that was the polar opposite of the vindictive hatred of earlier. It only served to make the words even more terrifying, reminding her of the gentleness with which Akito had spoken before the push.
"Yes, Akito."
It went on and on, and by the time Akito stalked out, Rin was reduced to existing in a familiar haze she hadn't experienced since the last time her parents beat her. She could taste the bile burning in the back of her throat and felt the weighty knots of stress in her stomach. The door closed behind Akito with a sharp click that echoed oddly in Rin's ears. She sat there, frozen and numb, for how long she didn't know.
As the shock began to wear away, she started, slowly and surely, to build the walls she was going to need to keep Haru safe, from her and from him. She couldn't afford to allow herself the luxury of burdening him any longer.
Her slow resolve built, brick by imaginary brick, to form a shaky wall around her emotions. Another kind of detachment settled around her, taking the place of the shock that had insulated her from Akito's rage, and formed an almost tangible presence in the room as she waited.
This time the door opened quietly, stealthily, indicating that the person on the other side was obviously no nurse. Haru was here.
One fist clenched involuntarily in her lap despite her efforts at calm and detachment, as he snuck into the room. The affectionate smile reserved for her alone played on his lips and lit his beautiful brown eyes as he walked towards the hospital bed.
As she said the words and watched pain and disbelief chase themselves over his face, she experienced this strange feeling of weightlessness. The only thing she had to compare it to was the moment right after she left the window. Freefall. She had let go of her final support and was falling helplessly towards the ground, waiting to hit.
This time she was going to stand back up on her own.
She had taken so much from him. Too much. She had to do something for him now, whatever the cost to herself. She couldn't allow herself to depend on him anymore, for his own sake.
Soon enough the ground would come up beneath her and she would walk on her own away from him. She would do what was best for both of them. She knew she must learn do without Haru's support, even if it destroyed her. She would do anything that must be done to secure his ultimate safety, to give him the last and only gift she could give.
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Rin felt her pillow grow damp again, this time from silent, bitter tears shed at the pain she had caused both of them. She had cost both of them so much, but in the end had gained them nothing. Nothing but grief.
Despite all that, somehow they had managed to find each other again, but the possibility of hope for them was still too new, too fragile.
Still, she didn't wish she could undo what she had done then. She would still sacrifice anything to keep him safe, even her own future. She had made that choice over and over again, and would continue to choose the same. If they were to move forward, one day soon she would have to tell him why she hurt him. And she would have to tell him that she'd gladly do it again.