An odd flicker reflected in Lupin's eye as he listened to the boy. He only managed to soak in the meaning of various words; everything was still in a dull haze, but from what he heard he was able to draw out that Harry had blamed him for what had happened. Something stirred inside the werewolf, a sharp stab that wanted him to cry and let the feelings of grief and pain out. But he could not, not with Harry here, it would shatter the boy. His dull, shadowed eyes met with the boy's before he had turned to the window, speaking to the dim lit street in a little more than a hoarse whisper at first. "Harry...If I could change what happened...I would go to any lengths..." He paused, thinking it all over in his hazy, confused mind before continuing a little louder and steadier; "If I had not held you back the events that occurred would have been no different… I know it is difficult, Harry, but time will mend the pain…I'm sure of it." He knew this was not true, and although he had always been told that it was wrong to lie, he knew he needed to help to lift some of the weight off of the young boy's heart.
Harry, however, bit his lip and continued to stare out the window, gathering his thoughts and trying to keep his temper in check. How stupid did Remus think he was? He seemed to remember McGonagall telling him that Remus had thought he was smart, or good at something... where'd that gone? Finally, he turned to face Remus. "Sir... I understand you're trying to help me through this or something, and I do appreciate it. But I'm 15. I'll be 16 soon. I just lost my godfather, and as much as I hate to admit it, Dumbledore was right... he was like a father and brother to me. And he was your best friend. I think I deserve to know what you really think."
A dry sigh escaped the werewolf's lips. How could he be expected to explain things lightly or give fake advice? Harry was right on this, he deserved to know, yet it was hard, for Remus had never been one to express his feelings openly. "You wish to know how I feel, Harry?" He turned to face the spitting image of his childhood memories of James. How could the boy understand what he was going through? A shiver ran through the slim man's body at the bitter thought, beginning with a mumble. "Cold...and empty." He let a dry, unemotional chuckle escape him. "Much like the effect of a dementor...Ironically." He stopped, the slightly over- bright, hazel eyes boring into the boy momentarily before turning to the window again.
Harry let a frustrated sigh tumble from his lips. He cursed, then crossed angrily to a chair and sat down in it, then jumped up and started to say something, then changed his mind and sat again, trying to get a hold on the jumble of mixed emotions that were fighting to gain control. Breathing rather heavily, he glared across the room at Remus, who wasn't even looking at him. He didn't care. "How can you be so calm about all this? Sirius is dead, Remus!" He didn't bothering to keep his voice down; the whole world could listen to him for all he cared. "He's dead, he's gone, and he's not coming back! And I know you don't think I can understand what you're going through, but I can't see how you can think that! 'Cold and empty.' That's how you feel? Is that all?" He cursed again, but didn't stop staring at Remus, who still wouldn't look at him. "Listen, you're not the only one who cared about Sirius!" His voice had reached its full volume now, and his words tumbled out in a rush, as fast as he could think them. "If you knew what I was feeling right now, if you knew any single, small part of it, you might not just sit there, pretending you're unphased by all this, and not even do me the courtesy of looking at me or telling me what you really think!" Hot, angry tears were leaking out of his eyes now; he brushed them away abruptly. "There was a time I trusted you, even looked up to you. I don't know what happened to that Remus Lupin, but I haven't seen him recently, I know that much. Just… just, never mind, you obviously don't understand." He collapsed backwards into the chair and didn't bother to try to stop the tears that were coming now, so different from the past ones that had come from pure anger.
Each increased tone of Harry's voice seemed like a hard slap to the werewolf's face, each time sparking off a new wave of emotions. Anger; guilt; pain; shock. The trembling, bony hands that had lain calmly on the armrests had gradually become fists again, the knuckles white and his nail digging into his palm. Had he been respected by the boy? By the boy who thought he knew the ways of the world? His next thoughts escaped Remus before he could stop himself, the hazel eyes snapping quickly onto the boy, blazing with an odd amber-like light, his voice nothing less than a growl. "HOW-CAN-YOU-EVEN-TRY-TO-UNDERSTAND-ME!" He stopped abruptly, eyes wide in shock, chest heaving as he panted slightly.
The boy's eyes widened slightly when Remus yelled at him, though he didn't know why it should surprise him. If Harry was going to yell, then Remus could certainly yell back. He merely listened as Remus continued, his anger and frustration building the whole time.
Lupin took a few deep breaths. No, this was not how he should handle things. He had to try and stay calmer. "I…am sorry, Harry…But what I am trying to say is…" He stopped, running a shaking hand through his rather thin, greying hair. "Alright. Enough excuses. If it is my true feelings you want to know then it is that what I will tell you." The werewolf's jaw clenched slightly, as though fighting to control something inside of him. "The reason I have to remain calm is that if I let my emotions run through me freely I would have long ago ripped apart everything and everyone I could get my hands on." He closed his eyes, the hands on the armrest now spread out and trembling. "As for…" He paused, trying to stop the quaver in his voice, having been able to let out only a weak 'S'. "I am fully…aware of what happened. And you cannot begin to imagine the pain…the so-" The man's body shuddered involuntarily, his hoarse voice somewhat thick "You…have…no idea." His eyes stung, but he had to hold it in. The shimmering hazel eyes now stared straight at the boy. "He was all I had left, Harry."
Harry really hadn't wanted to have it out with Lupin; he'd been perfectly willing to stop after his last outburst. But Remus had opened the door, and Harry was still mad as hell, so he walked right through it. At least he had his attention now. "He was the only thing you had?" He couldn't be sure at this point whether he was purely angry or if he was merely sad, miserable to the breaking point. Tears were still leaking out of his eyes; he didn't care. "That's why I wouldn't understand, because he was the only thing you had? So who've I got left, then?" His voice was still at its full height. "Ron and Hermione? Oh yeah, sure, they're great! They understand exactly what I'm going through! Only one thing wrong with that: they still have their whole families! I lost my Dad and Mum before I could remember one single, miniscule thing about them. I don't remember them at all, Remus! And then I had no one until I met Sirius! And then he…" He stopped to gather his thoughts… and breath. "He was my father, Remus, the only one I ever knew. He was the only one I could really talk to. I always felt like I could tell him what I thought, what I was feeling. And now he's gone. And no matter how many different ways I try, no matter how many foolish hopes I manage to dredge up, he can't come back, and I can't ever see him, speak to him, hear his voice again." He couldn't recall having gotten to his feet, but when he paused again, he was standing… He collapsed into the chair again, and when he continued, his voice was little more than a hoarse whisper, much like Lupin's. "Look, I understand that Sirius was your best friend. But… just think about it. I know you feel like you've lost everyone, the last one you had… but it didn't occur to you that I might be feeling the same way, did it?" He stopped, took a deep breath, and turned his gaze to the window again, his eyes still bright.
The bony fingers dug into the wooden armchair as Remus fought to keep himself from lashing out, his eyes still unwillingly stinging. Why couldn't the boy understand? Why could he not see this properly? Taking a few breaths the werewolf locked his gaze with Harry's again, a stern, steely note in his voice; "You have to understand, Harry, that he was not only your loss. You are not the only one affected and you will learn, in time, that people show their feelings and emotions equally different." He slowly relaxed the grip on the chair and got up, clutching the chair for support, his eyes still fixed on the boy, tone still stern.
Now it was Harry's turn to keep his eyes averted. He locked his fingers together and stared at them, moving them only when he needed to blink.
"He was all I had, Harry. You forget that I have known… and… loved him more than a brother for…years. You forget that I have lost both your mother and father, along with Sirius. The only people who ever cared for me…" He paused, words failing him as his body shook uncontrollably. The werewolf sunk slowly back into the chair, face in his hands with elbows leaning on the armrest, his thin frame shuddering. The next few words escaped with stifled sobs, speaking more to himself than to the boy, momentarily having forgotten his presence. "They…are…gone. And I was not there to help them."
When he looked up again, Remus had finished, and Harry wasn't crying anymore, though he felt no different. When he finally spoke, it was in the softest voice he'd used yet. "Alright. I understand what you're saying… I never said I didn't, by the way. But look here... I've heard you out. Sure, I've gotten in my share of yelling. But now, so've you. And I'm done yelling. Now... will you hear me out?" He sighed and turned his attention back to the window momentarily, gathering his thoughts. He knew he'd deserved everything Remus had just said; he'd deserved to be yelled at like that; but it didn't stop him feeling as though he'd been scarred all over again, and this scar felt much worse. He suddenly felt tired for the first time in days, and much older than his fifteen years. Taking a deep breath, he turned back to the werewolf, who still looked so angry that it almost hurt Harry to keep eye contact with him… now he understood why Remus hadn't been looking at him when he'd been yelling. "I know how you feel. No, don't say I don't know; you just told me. And I understand. He was all you had. I know that. I know he was your best friend for years. And you probably think that because I only knew him for two years, I can't possibly know the pain you're feeling. But two years is more than enough to become close to someone, Remus. You hardly need any time at all, really…" His voice broke as haunting memories came to him of walking through the tunnel from the Shrieking Shack with Sirius beside him, the joy he'd felt when Sirius had suggested the Harry could live with him… he was going to live with his godfather, his father's best friend… even then, before he'd even really known him, he had loved Sirius. Loved… yes, that was it. That was what he hadn't been able to place before. Turning his attention back to Remus, he continued. "I wanted him to kill me, Remus. You weren't there, but when Voldemort was-possessing me, in the lobby… I wanted Dumbledore to kill me. I still wish he had. At least I would've gotten to see him again…" His voice broke, but he continued. "I was close to Sirius. I loved him, Remus. And I know I wasn't the only one, but neither were you. You've told me how you feel; d'you want to know how I feel?" He paused to steady himself; the tears were back again. "I feel like my heart's been ripped out—it's just… not there anymore. Like all that's left where it used to be is this huge black hole… just an empty void." He was sobbing now, finding it hard to get out the words. "And… I'm sorry. All of this is my fault, and I'm so sorry…" he fell back in the chair, out of breath and things to say, and covered his face with his hands, not caring what happened anymore.
Remus' eyes did not leave Harry face as he listened, knowing what the boy was saying was true. Sirius had been the one connection and closest thing to family for Harry. The night in the Shrieking Shack had also been a great turning point for the werewolf: he had finally learned of Sirius' innocence and had gotten, after many years of grief and piercing pain, his one remaining friend back. His mind wandered back to the evening after he had resigned from Hogwarts, when Sirius had sat in the very chair the werewolf was sitting and both had talked and shared stories of the past, laughing and remembering. At that time, Remus had finally felt at peace after almost twelve years of solitude. It had been that night when Remus had promised himself that he would do everything in his power to not lose Sirius again. But two years had passed and now… now he had lost Sirius forever. The werewolf's body shook involuntarily, his eyes cast to the floor as they stung, unaware of the tears that were now falling freely over his bloodied cheeks. Harry had wanted Dumbledore to kill him. A flash of understanding crossed Remus; he knew the desire to end his life, the feeling of total and absolute loss. He had felt it on that dreadful night when he had learned that all four of his closest friends, his family, the very reason for his existence had all gone: James, Lily and Peter murdered and Sirius to Azkaban. The slender frame shuddered again as he snapped back to reality. With much effort Remus raised himself from the chair, standing by the boy now, sitting wearily by him. He could do little more than whisper as he violently attempted to fight off sobs: "I…I know...Please, Harry, don't blame yourself..." He paused again, a steel note coming to his voice as he continued "Dumbledore misjudged Voldemort…we all misjudged him…and that mistake…is beyond repair." He lay a hand on Harry's shoulder, unsure of how the boy would take this, worried he may take his explanation the wrong way. "I see now…that we both are similar in this…But what I said was selfish, yes. And I do know that I was not the sole one who cared so deeply for Sirius…" Tears ran silently down his face as the name escaped his lips, a sharp pain inside him that seemed to twist at his heart as he continued; "All we can do is…hang on. We will make Voldemort pay."
All Harry could do was stare at the floor the whole time Remus was talking, quietly taking it all in. He made no movement to show that he was listening… but he was, there could be no doubt of that. He hadn't missed a word Remus had said, but at the same time he was oddly detached… he noticed when Lupin became quiet, and took the opportunity to do some thinking of his own. Pictures drifted in and out of his mind's eye, but they weren't the ones he'd been expecting: thinking he was going to live with Sirius; seeing Sirius in Hogsmeade in his fourth year; Christmas in Grimmauld Place—the sound of Sirius' voice singing "God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs" was so clear that it almost made him smile, even laugh… almost. The sound of Lupin's voice jerked him back to reality all too quickly and sharply. Any trace of a smile that the boy's face might have been hinting at a moment before vanished abruptly, and he continued to listen, never taking his now dry eyes off of the floor. The weight Harry had been feeling constantly for the past few days was lifted ever so slightly as the realization hit him that he was not alone after all… He felt like someone finally understood him. He jerked his head around when he felt a light touch on his shoulder, his eyes meeting the werewolf's for a moment… and he was again struck by how much the look in Lupin's eyes reminded him of that in his own recently. The hand on his shoulder felt strong and comforting. He appreciated Remus siding with him on this, it meant a lot to him… yet no matter what anyone said, Harry wouldn't stop blaming himself for what had happened. But neither could he live his life dwelling on the past, he knew that.
"You're right," he eventually murmured. "We are alike. More than I would've thought, actually…" He broke off, his eyes widening slightly as he stared at the werewolf. How could he have been so blind? He'd been so sure he'd lost everyone, the last connection he had to his past, his family… but the answer had been here, in the same house even, and he had been avoiding it, ironically… hadn't Remus been his father's best friend, too? And hadn't he really been a part of Harry's life for just as long as Sirius had? Of course, no one could ever replace Sirius, no one could ever fill that hole, never… but Harry was somewhat comforted by the thought, and smiled a very small bit as he nodded. "Yes, he will. Voldemort will pay." His smile turned to a grimace as he considered his words. He realized, because of the prophecy, because of what Dumbledore said, because of what he supposed he'd always known or suspected… he realized that if anyone were to make Voldemort pay, it would have to be him. And it wouldn't be easy. He wasn't sure if he wanted that responsibility. But he thought suddenly of Neville's parents, of the other members of the Order who were gone… of his parents… and now Sirius. They were losses that had left irreparable scars on the ones who had loved them.
He looked up to find Remus giving him an odd look, worried about Harry's sudden lapse into silence. Harry forced his smile to reflect a strength he didn't quite feel and spoke again, in a murmur. "Voldemort will pay for everything he's done."