Reviews already? LET'S RESPOND! ...Actually, let's keep this story regulation and just reply suggestively. Sasuke's not exactly gay, because he THINKS he's a girl. People readin' this who don't even know who Naruto is... They're reading it because I wrote it! n.n I feel special. I still laugh when I read the narwhal bit... It's just funny! There's no other explanation! And it's BuTtErFlY lAnD! You have to capitalize it right!

Okay, I know I should be updating The Final Adventure and not this, but this is easier to write! And The Legend of Advertisement! gets no love these days. Oh well! Beggars can't be choosers, so here's the REAL first chapter! The last one was more like a prologue...

Chapter 2: The REAL Chapter 1, Narwhal!

"Heyyy!" Sasuke smiled flirtatiously with a wink. Oni Link backed up slowly.

"Narwhal!" narwhalled Naruto with a narwhalish grin. Sakura glared at the godly Link. "White…" she hissed as she eyed his white and silver tunic devilishly. Goddesses… How can someone so pink be so intimidating? Oni Link asked himself.

"What was that!" Sakura snapped as she took Oni Link by the collar of his shirt and started punching the bejeezus outta him. Yes, Link, Hero of Time, was getting beat of by a frilly pink Gothic girl. You have no idea how many contradictions were in that sentence.

Oni Link did eventually manage to fend off his attacker. She snarled ferociously at him, and Link ran away screaming like a little girl. He ran into a tree. Like, SMACK! Like that. Right into it. His eyes were open and everything. The sun wasn't blinding him, and the tree was not as big as Death Mountain. Don't believe a word he says. It's all lies. Believe ME. I'm the narrator. I know the story!

(Random fighting and punching sounds can be heard. The microphone clatters to the ground. Someone screams in agony. There is a static-y sound as the microphone is picked up.)

Well, you won't be hearing any more from that lunatic. Meanwhile, I'll be filling in for him! Where were we? (sound of paper shuffling) Ah, here we are. Oni Link ran smack into a tree and fell backwards. Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura gathered around the fallen hero-god-thing. He opened his pupil-less eyes slowly and groaned, then reached up and…

TORE HIS FACE OFF!

Sasuke screamed like a sissy and proceeded to run in panicked circles as anime tears streamed from her eyes. Sakura grinned maniacally, but pouted to find that there was no blood. Naruto poked the child's green clothes. "You're that kid from before, narwhal," he recalled. Link sat up, rubbing his head. "Goddesses, are you the normal one in your idiotic group?" he observed. Naruto grinned happily and reached into his pocket, then extended his hand before Link. He was holding something.

He turned the fist over and unclenched his fingers, revealing a harmless sugar cookie. It was a closely guarded secret that Link was a cookie fiend. He snatched the cookie and hid behind the tree, climbing all over the guy in the purple mask seated despondently amongst the vines. Eventually the guy left, grumbling something about heroes and their cookies.

Link stuffed the cookie into his mouth and instantly felt… different. He wasn't exactly sure how he was different, he just… was. "NARUTO, YOU IDIOT!" Sakura scolded from the other side of the tree. "Did you just give the poor unsuspecting child a Magical Cookie from BuTtErFlY lAnD!"

Now Link knew how he felt different. He… wanted… fish. And lots of it. Not to eat, just to sit upon like a raw, fishy thrown. He wanted a crown of fish, a robe of fish, a bathtub of fish full of fish, a book about fish, a fish mask, a fish mailbox, a newsletter about fish, a screen name that has something to do with fish, a faucet that sprays fish when turned on, a fork that's a fish, underwear made of fish, a female fish for reasons that need not be explained, fish buttons, fish gills, fish fins, fish FEATHERS, and for dinner, a great big plate of… cookies!

He turned his fishy eyes slyly upon Naruto, who was busy narwhalling random trivia. Link did the math in his head. Link plus narwhal boy equals HAPPINESS AT LONG LAST! He launched himself at the blonde narwhal, then flopped down into grass abruptly.

"OH MY GODDESSES!" he squealed. "This… this pile of dirt! If you stand on your head until all the blood rushes to it and look at it backwards after drinking twenty cases of beer, it almost looks like a fish!"

The guy in the purple mask Link managed to frighten away earlier pointed to his funky mask. Seeing that he didn't have their attention at all, he waved his arms at his desired audience. This didn't evoke any more effect, for the others were crowded around trying to discern the fish within the pile of dirt. "LOOK AT ME!" the guy demanded, screaming to the heavens.

"Aww, somebody needs a hug!" Sasuke sang as he (remember, he is still a boy) spread his arms and approached the masked guy, who backed away nervously. "No, no! That won't be necessary!" he argued. "But now that I have your attention… Who do you think I am?"

"ODOLWA, narhwal!" Naruto shouted. Link looked at him quizzically, then turned back to the masked guy and, for the first time, noticed that he was nine feet tall and made of wood with a horde of flaming moths following him (1). "Ohh, it is Odolwa!"

Masked Jungle Guardian Odolwa tore of Majora's Mask to reveal… ANOTHER MASK! Sakura sat down beside a tree and busied herself with finding unique ways to ignite the pretty little flowers around her. Sasuke took out his mysteriously obtained notebook and doodled dress designs for Odolwa in pink ink. Naruto used his Power of the Narwhal to summon a lance made from the horn of a narwhal. Link just drew some dinky little sword…

"2004! 2004!" Odolwa repeated as he swerved from side to side. He thrust his arms above him and shook his bootay. "Go bongo! Go bongo! Go bongo! Go bongo!" he chanted as his flaming moths attacked Naruto and company. Well, minus Sakura. Sakura sent them all death rays… Her and her intern, sending death rays (2).

Everyone's face (except Sakura's and Odolwa's and the moths') looked like this: OO;

(1): Odolwa, from The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask for N64. He was the first boss in the Woodfall Temple. Y'know, the place where you turn into a Deku and yadda yadda.

(2): I know it's backwards, but I got that from the Raisin Bran commercial. Y'know, where Johnson and his intern are eating Raisin Bran and can't hear anything over the crunching sound and some guy comes along and says, "I'm sending you a death ray!" as he makes a 'v' sign with his fingers and Johnson and his intern mistaken it for a peace sign. I love that commercial.

Whoo hoo! I think I lost some of the humor... Heh heh, people who don't play Zelda have NO IDEA what I'm talking about! Well, reviews would be nice! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease? Oh, and what do you want to see next? I mean, after I finish with Zelda? What show or manga or book or game or ANYTHING should the Naruto gang encounter next? And please list what characters you'd like to see and what you think their comedic polar opposite should be! n.n I'm open to suggestions at this point, though I've already decided to make Inuyasha a (SPOILER)! Yeah well... reviews, please!