C o m p l i c a t e d
By ElveNDestiNy
November 24, 2005
Disclaimer: I don't own House, M.D. andno copyright infringement isintended.
Notes: I'm trying to justify why on earth I'm writing this instead of doing More Important Things, but it'd never work. Anyway, I've never written in a TV fandom before so it was really odd when CC developed in the show faster than in my fanfic ("Intense"). So now I want to continue to develop the "canon" storyline and I finally ended up with an angsty one-shot. This as an interlude/bridge to build on the last episode so it's short and not much happens. Also, my portrayal of Chase's character might be surprising to some, but it's not as random as you think.
Thanks: Missdarksoul for putting up those clips of CC goodness at her livejournal. Also, visit pureandpretty to join the CC livejournal group. The banner title of this story can also be found there.
Warning: Spoilers for "Hunting"
o o o
Chase could feel Foreman's eyes on him, speculative and not even bothering to hide his curiosity, but he knew that the other man wouldn't ask anything directly. At least not yet. Not that it would make a difference, because he doubted that he could say anything later that he couldn't say now about why last night had happened.
He hated that House didn't exactly disapprove, although as usual his comments were sharp enough to make others bleed. It wasn't like any of them thought much of his integrity, whether he deserved his reputation or not. It would have been much kinder if he'd chewed Chase out about it or something. Anything to assuage his own particular guilt.
House only gave him those looks, as if he had only been waiting for Chase to make another mistake, or as if he'd been observing as his two ducklings rushed along a head-on collision course and was no longer interested now that it had happened.
Well, he supposed, the story was over. The drugs had worn off and left nothing but memories and regrets. Things would get back to normal, even though everything had changed. Their talk had confirmed it, hadn't it?
Probably shouldn't happen again…
Do you think I want it to?
Of course she didn't. She hadn't been in her right mind. She'd been lonely and desperate, and high, and Chase had just been so conveniently there when she'd opened her door. It still stung, which is why he deliberately chose to make his words unemotional. Let her think that he was the stereotypical guy.
It was easier to think of it in terms of sex and pleasure. They were both single, so there'd be no jealous girlfriends or boyfriends, they were both adults, and they both would continue on with their enviable professional lives. It was a one-night affair between two coworkers who were attracted to each other. Of course, he knew Cameron too well to let himself believe that this was how she thought of it. It wasn't exactly how he thought of it, either.
House caught him as at the end of the day when he happened to be alone. Chase sighed, knowing that he would end up writing the report on the case.
Sure enough, House casually dumped the pile of paperwork on his lap and then stood back to survey him, half-heartedly twirling his cane. "Look on the bright side: you won't have time to mope about your lonely night," he commented. "Let me guess, Cameron dumped you. Oh wait, I suppose that isn't the correct terminology, since you two were never together."
Chase didn't even let it bother him. He was getting soft, if that was the best he could come up with. Besides, after working with House for a while, you either got used to his particular sort of abrasive personality, or you left. He knew Cuddy, at least, regarded it as a miracle that all three of them were still working for him. Not that it hadn't come close, before.
He wasn't looking forward to really examining self-proclaimed "party" guy's life, either. No doubt he'd start seeing some parallels, only it'd been the father that had killed the mother, not the son. Chase tried not to think of his own secret and the anti-depressants in the bathroom cabinet at his own place. There were more people on drugs than most people realized, but some were easier to justify.
"Aren't you going to ask to change schedules or something?" House said as he strolled around the table, coming to a stop right behind Chase. He leaned down and peered into the Australian's eyes.
"What?"
On further inspection, the bafflement on that pretty face was genuine. House gave an inward sigh when he realized that Chase's thoughts had taken a different turn since the last remark he'd made. Now where was the fun when you had to start over from the beginning?
He gave an exaggerated sigh. "You know, like all those dramas, ER and such. Now you'll want some sort of night shift so that you guys won't have to see each other. As the snarky boss, I'll deny your request and sit back to enjoy the resulting fireworks as you guys are forced to work together."
No reaction. Chase was either so depressed that some extra needling wouldn't get any interesting results, or—horror of horrors—he was losing his edge. It had to be the former, House decided. He'd said earlier that Chase had been pretending to care when Cameron had been pretending not to care. Now it looked like the tables had turned. People always assumed that it was the girl who'd end up heartbroken. Then again, Chase was pretty enough.
Deciding that Chase wasn't attractive prey tonight, at least in terms of messing with his emotions, House went out. No doubt to pursue Stacy, Chase thought irritably. Foreman came in, but before he could start up a conversation, Chase had grabbed the papers and prepared to leave, having had enough. There was no reason why he should have to explain his personal life to Foreman, and curiosity would at some point override rudeness. That point was getting closer all the time. He'd pick up his stuff and say goodbye to PPTH…at least for the day.
Unfortunately, she was taking her own things and getting ready to leave too, when he entered the room. It was both better and worse without the buffer of other people around. She looked at him warily and it made him a little angry, until he saw her grab her preventive medication. The anger melted away and left some him wanting to assure her that she would be all right. He wasn't stupid enough to act on the desire, of course.
She came towards him and stopped a couple feet away, half sitting on the table. "Chase…"
He didn't really want to hear what she would say. Invisible apologies hung on the air, waiting to be spoken by either of them, for reasons neither could put a name to. There was a basic inequality between them, he thought, the kind of thing that existed, even in friendships, when one person meant more to the other than the reciprocal.
"About last night, I didn't mean to…" use you.
"It's all right," he found himself saying, because this was more awkward than their earlier talk, when she'd still had the lingering effects of the meth and he hadn't had too much time to dwell on what had happened and who was guilty of exactly what. "I understand. You don't need to say anything."
She nodded and started to leave. Maybe it was deliberate, more probably accidental, but as she brushed by him when she left, and her hand met his. The touch of skin on skin was electric and evoked memories of something far less innocent. She stopped abruptly and they both moved back from each other as if they'd be burned.
Chase watched the narrow window of opportunity dwindle away to nothing as she opened the door and finally called out to her. "Cameron. You mean something to me."
She paused and gave him a look that seemed almost skeptical. "Maybe I shouldn't, then. You said it yourself. Things get complicated when…more…is involved." She gestured at no particular thing.
He wanted to say more, but instead, he bit his lip, accidentally reopening the tiny wound that she'd given him yesterday, when they'd been kissing. The coppery-sweet taste of blood filled his mouth. She'd been so out of control, so wild, needy. It hadn't really been Cameron who had slept with him, not the Cameron he'd wanted for so long, anyway. But it was Cameron who he was faced with now.
Tell me. I need to know...am I just one of your regrets?
She noticed and reached out, her finger tracing his sensitive bottom lip almost without thinking, until she realized what she was doing and let her hand fall. Her touch sent shivers down his spine and he wondered how she could have done something like that, something so personal, accidentally. "You should put something on it."
"It'll be fine," he said. "No one's going to die of a split lip. Besides, it doesn't hurt."
The look she gave him was full of something, but he couldn't decipher whatever she was thinking. Not for the first time, he found himself regretting everything, too. But he hadn't thought that he'd ever get another chance, because Cameron had never paid him any attention, so he'd taken what was offered. Even as his conscience told him that he should be the reasonable one, should have said stop, because he knew she'd regret it later.
"Well, I suppose I'll see you tomorrow then," he finished lamely.
"Yeah."
And that was that.
o o o
The case itself wasn't that difficult; it was the doctor that was frustrating. Especially since Chase knew that, should the patient's father decide to sue House for assault, these very papers would be used in court. Then again, for House the ends almost always justified the means—if you looked at the situation a certain way.
It would serve him right, Chase thought darkly, if he didn't make any attempt whatsoever to explain away House's particular actions. Surprisingly, extreme as they may be, few people actually ever filed complaints on him. Chase had a strong feeling that this was probably due to Cuddy's intervention on more than one occasion.
Chase was just about to take a much-needed break when he noticed an unfamiliar sound. It took a few moments just for him to realize that someone was knocking on his door, simply because it was so unexpected. First of all, he didn't know that many people in the States, unless you counted the people that knew his father. He doubted that they would show up on his doorstep, anyway. Second of all, he lived on the fifth floor of the building, so it was highly unlikely that someone would make it up here just to try to sell him something or get him to donate to a good cause.
He looked to see who it was before opening the door and then wondered if it would be cowardly to pretend not to be in. He'd done plenty of things he'd regretted, from attempted suicide at sixteen, to last night. He didn't plan on adding more things to that list.
But Cameron standing on his doorstep was too intriguing to pass up, and there was always the possibility that she was high again or something. Why else would she be here? In that case, he didn't want her wandering around, vulnerable to who knows what.
He opened the door and let her come in silently. He motioned her to sit but she didn't, eyes fixed on him almost uncomfortably. At least up close she didn't look as if she were under the influence of anything.
"Are you all right?" he asked, just to make sure. He saw the puzzlement in her expression for a moment before she realized why he was asking.
"I'll never do that again, Chase."
"I didn't think so," he said, and since she wouldn't sit, he did, hoping she'd follow him. It was odd to look up at her. "So what brings you here?" She'd rarely been inside of his place. Then again, that was more than most people could claim; Chase was almost an almost obsessively private person.
She didn't say anything for a few moments but came closer, until she was standing very close to him and he wasn't sure what she wanted of him. Finally she reached out and cupped his face with her hands and kissed him.
It wasn't like before, all out of control and full of desperation. She was hesitant, as if she thought he'd reject her touch, and she put something else into the kiss too, something that he could only describe as being more personal. Chase broke away after the first few startled seconds and looked at her, trying to understand what she was up to.
She'd dropped to her knees to put them more at the same level, and it was Cameron—beautiful to him as usual, with some sort of scent that reminded him of white lilies and roses. Cameron, wanton and alluring, but she seemed fully aware of what she was doing.
She kissed him chastely and proceeded to his throat, as he held her shoulders uncertainly. "I was high last night," she murmured into his ear. He tried to pull back to look at her, but her hands held him still. "But didn't you wonder? I asked you over, Chase…I knew what I'd do before I took the meth…"
She closed her eyes and rested her head on his shoulder. "I know you think I only did it because I didn't know what I was doing. I've seen you today. You're blaming yourself for taking advantage of me, for taking what I offered you last night, even if you haven't said anything to show it. But I thought about it, even before."
He didn't know what to say, and being so close to her was distracting him like crazy, just when he really wanted to be able to think clearly. But she seemed uncertain of how he would respond, too.
"Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"You made it seem as if you didn't care, so I did the same. That made me feel better, when I thought I'd hurt you, by coming to you like that. As if I were just using you to experiment or something. I could never forgive myself. I didn't want to face the fact I'd hurt you, not the other way around, like everyone assumed."
"I always cared. I probably shouldn't have."
"No, don't say that. I'm sick of the shouldn't haves, the what ifs, I'm sick of doing things that I really want to do and then regretting them. Or not doing it at all, because I'm afraid I'll regret them." Her hands caressed his skin and struggled to expose more of it, and he wondered if she was as lost as he felt.
"You won't regret this?"
It took her a moment to reply, too fascinated by his hot, silken skin. There was something indescribable about the way he held her, because he cared, and not many did. There was so much more beneath the exterior of Chase. His warmth was addictive. Now she explored him with her hands as if she could find out all his secrets, all his heartaches, and sooth them away. "No… Chase?"
"Yeah?"
"You said that I mean something to you. You mean something to me too, and I'm not going to give that up."
"Even if it's complicated?"
She pulled herself away from the perfect curve of his neck and looked at him, complete seriousness.
"I'm glad it is."
o o o
A/N: Well, there are probably a lot of typos and such, but I don't have time to edit right now, so please be kind. I was in a pretty odd mood (read: extremely sleep-deprived and stressed) when I wrote this. If you like CC, please check out my multi-chapter story Intense. As far as I know, I'm one of the very few CC writers, unfortunately. So...please review! Let's show them that quality is better than quantity and people support the pairing. Who knows, maybe we'll inspire someone.