Killing Me Softly
Chapter One The Good Ole' Days
1999
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Logan Echolls breath hitched as he stood on the sidelines of the soccer field, his eyes riveted to the young blonde that was whipping around the field, her laughter ringing out, making his heart flutter. His eyes widened as she stopped suddenly in her tracks, when she spotted him staring at her. She blushed from head to toe and kind of fidgeted with the edge of her uniform while she seemed to be thinking about something important. Then she seemed to make a decision and Logan's heart beat raced when she kicked the ball towards him, a sweet smile on her face.
He stood there for a second, thinking about what he should do. His dad had told him to be home before 5 for dinner and he knew he would be in big trouble if he was late and it was already after 4. Finally he decided o forget about his father for once and kicked the ball back to the blonde, rejoicing when she giggled. He smiled as he walked up to introduce himself, wanting to be a gentleman like his mother wanted him to be.
He walked up to her and put out his hand. "I'm Logan Echolls, I just moved to town…what's your name." He asked her, his face flamed when she didn't accept his hand.
"I'm Veronica. You're new, huh? That's cool. You hafta meet my friend Duncan. You'll like him. He cool, and rich. Oh…and you'll like his sister too, Lilly. She's crazy. Their having a pool party tonight, wanna come? "
Logan seemed to think about this for a minute then he nodded. He would accept his punishment if it meant he'd get to spend time with this girl.
2001
"Hey, Logan. What do you think about Veronica? You know Lilly's friend? You think she's cute?"
Logan took his eyes off the two teenage girls that where laying out on the patio, baking in the sun. He swallowed hard as he looked at his best friend of almost two years. He had noticed the way Duncan had been eyeing Veronica lately. The way they seemed to play more affectionately than they used to, the way Duncan had gotten a little angry when guys noticed Veronica at school.
He knew that the time was coming when he'd have to have this conversation with Duncan, and it was killing him. He had been in love with Veronica since that day on the soccer field two years ago, but he had kept away because he knew she was into Duncan. But now he affections where returned and it was time to give it up.
"Nah, man. Lilly's more my type. But hey, if you like the shy type then Veronica's definitely your girl. I think you two are great….you should definitely give it a shot."
2003
Logan sat paralyzed his heart in pieces as he watched the casket lowered into the ground. He vaguely felt his mothers hand on his back, her attempt to comfort him falling short. He watched as several people walked up to the hole in the ground and tossed single red roses into the grave. Then he saw her, her father with his hand on her back as she stumbled away from the grave, her face hidden by her hands.
Veronica.
She walked right past him, she never spared him a glance. Not that he expected her to, considering he had destroyed his relationship with Lilly. Not after he had mocked her after her and Duncan split last month.
He watched as she walked right past him, walked right out of his life.
2004
Veronica walked down the halls of Neptune High, the stares and whispers barely registering in her mind. She walked with a confidence she hadn't known she possessed. She merely smiled as she saw Logan Echolls slam his locker shut infront of her, his look of shock bringing her a sick sense of satisfaction. He stared, but he remained speechless for the first time since her father was kicked out of office.
Wow and all it took was a new hairstyle to make him swallow his tongue.
2005
"I can't help it, Veronica. I can't stop thinking about you. Even before the kiss, I can't get you out of my head. It's like a sickness." Logan said his voice tired and rough.
Veronica grimaced from her seat beside Logan. "Gee, thanks, you sure no how to sweet talk a girl. Next you'll be telling me..." Logan cut off her witty remark with his lips, He wove his hands through her hair, wanting to touch her with every part of his body. They stayed like that, interlocked for almost ten minutes before Veronica broke it off with a groan. Logan quickly backed off, slamming his forehead into the steering wheel of his Jeep.
"Logan..." Veronica started but stopped, she was at a loss for words.
"Ronnie..." Logan looked at her his head still leaning on the edge of the wheel, his eyes pleading. "...please, don't do this. Don't try to explain this away with a smart quip and a hair flip. This is real, you feel it to, don't lie and say you don't. Please don't fight it. Just let it happen. "
Veronica wanted to fight, boy did she ever. But when she looked into his eyes her heart swelled. She couldn't stop the feelings that he caused in her, the way her breath quickened when she heard his voice, the way her mouth watered when she saw him give her that smart ass smirk of his.
She couldn't not do this.
It was like watching a bad train wreck. She knew it would end badly but part of her didn't care anymore, she was tired of being the honorable one. For once she was gonna act on what she felt, not what she knew.
"It's funny."
Logan waited a few second for more but when nothing else was said he turned to the girl laying beside him, his eyebrows raised in question. She looked at him a serene smile on her face, her eyes twinkling with mischief. She shifted her eyes till they rested on his bare chest, a naughty smile now replacing the one of peace. "It's funny that I'm laying here with Logan Echolls, king of the psychotic jackasses, and yet I've can't remember a time when I've felt safer, more protected." She raised her brows in a expression of confusion then giggled when he slapped her on her bare thigh, his eyes full of laughter. "Laugh it up, Mars; I'm just waiting till I get you right where I want you. Then I'll make my move."
People scattered all over the beach turned to glare at the young couple as they screamed and giggled , rolling around on the hot sand, taking turns tickling each other and giving each other wedgies like two kids.
"How long?"
Veronica's whole body went numb. She turned her head slightly to see the face she dreaded to see these days. "Excuse me?" she asked, hoping to delay the confrontation she had been expecting.
"How long have you been fucking my best friend, Veronica?"
The way he said her name, like she was trash made her heart ache. Veronica looked at the face of her ex-lover and sighed, feeling her resolve break. "It's not like that...we don't...we don't do that." She finished lamely, turning her entire body to face him.
Just then, at that moment, the anger in his eyes, the disgust, set off something in her. Just as he was about to accuse her of something else her inner Veronica decided to take matter into her own hands.
"And, if I may ask what is it any of your concern Duncan? Since when do you care who I'm seeing? My love life is not yours to question and hasn't been for over a year. You dropped me, remember? You ended it, not me. So I moved on. And yes Logan may not have been the most P.C choice but I care about him and he cares about me, so deal with it and get over it, and me. "
She knew that words wouldn't help. She knew nothing really could, not now anyway. It would take time, love and understanding before things would ever be right again. She knew that he was hurting, and because of that pain she knew he was feeling she didn't celebrate her victory. She let the success she had been searching for pass her by. She knew that dealing with Lilly's affair with his father and his father's deep secrets would be a lot on him. So she just stayed with him. She stayed with him and waited for the time when he was ready to talk. She stayed with him until the words would help.
The words helped.
They helped them both to hear them. It wasn't planned, it was completely out of the blue. They were walking on the beach late one night, discussing the fact they had both gotten over Lilly. They had both begun to move on from the pain of her betrayal and death. Logan was able to let go of his Father and accept that his Mother was really dead. Veronica was finally able to accept her Dad's recent engagement and her Mom's abandonment.
It wasn't all romantic or sappy, they were never that kind anyway. Suddenly out of the blue as they were heading back to Logan's Jeep he looked at Veronica out of the corner of his eyes and smirked. "You know, Ronnie, I've got this problem...it's horrible really. It seems I'm in love with this girl. And ordinarily that wouldn't be a problem, but this girl, I mean, wow. She is this real pain in the ass. She's always so noisy and annoying and boy does she had bad bed hair. But you see there is this thing about her that I can't get over, this horrible thing that gets me every time."
Veronica grinned through her tears and looked at him with a wink. "You don't say...and what is this horrible thing. "
Logan walked ahead so her could stand infront of her he bent down until his lips were only a mere inch from hers. He closed his eyes, licked his lips and said "She is the most amazing person I've ever met and I can't get enough of her."
"I want you."
Those three little words flooded his mind like lava, melting every rational thought he had ever had. Those three words that he had wanted to hear for almost two years. Those three little words said in a breathy whisper coated with desire was all it took to break down his resolve.
(July 2006)
Veronica stared at her lover in shock. She was left speechless, she had never thought about any of this before now, but now that it was out in the open there was no escaping it.
"But, Logan..." She started, reaching for him.
"No, Veronica." Logan said, his deep voice laced with a seething anger. "No kids. Never. I am not going to turn into a monster like my father, Ronnie. I can't let that happen, I can't bring a child into this world knowing what I know, seeing what I've seen. It wouldn't end well. I refuse to put a innocent child through that. "
Veronica's tired swollen eyes stared back at her in the harsh glare of the bathroom mirror. She looked like hell. Her eyes were red rimmed and hollow, her skin pale and dry, her hair limp and listless. She had been throwing up for more than a week now, every time she smelled the slightest hint of anything edible she would be running for the nearest trash can. She had managed to convince herself and Logan that it was just the stomach flu that had been going around. But now, looking at herself in the mirror for the first time since the vomiting began she knew the truth.
Splashing a handful of ice cold water into her face she stepped away from the sink, making her way into her bedroom, slowly closing the door and reaching for her cell. Dialing a number she had gotten from the yellow pages she held her breath as the operator picked up on the other end. "Yes, Veronica Mars for Dr. Mason, yes I um, I need to schedule a pregnancy test. Yes ma'am, is there a spot available for this afternoon? "
The world was fuzzy.
Nothing seemed to be on track as Veronica sat on the edge of the coffee table, the phone in her hand. She had tried a million times to call him, tried so hard to tell him. To tell him that she was pregnant, five weeks almost. Pregnant with his child. The child he never wanted to have.
At that thought a wave of nausea hit her and she was sprinting to the bathroom once again.
Ten minutes later after she finished cleaning herself up once again she sat, back facing the toilet and hit speed dial 2 on her cell, her hands shaking.
Her whole body began to shake horribly when he answered his voice soft and loving when he realized it was her. Suddenly her mind froze and she panicked, she realized she couldn't tell him. She couldn't make him go through this. This was somehow all her fault, her problem and she would handle it, alone.
"Logan..." Veronica started weakly.
"Ronnie, baby what wrong, where are you?" Logan sounded panicked.
"Logan..." She said her voice breaking, tears welling in her eyes. "Logan, I can't see you anymore, I am so sorry. I can't do this, I can't love you anymore. Please don't try to contact me , it's for your own good. I'm leaving. Tonight. I'm not coming back. I am so sorry. I just can't make you suffer anymore. I'm...so...I'm so sorry."
May 2007
Veronica sighed as she held the phone in her hand, the number was on the screen but she couldn't bring herself to push the button. She looked over at her newborn baby girl laying beside her in the crib and tears sprung into her eyes. She wanted so badly to call Logan and tell him about their beautiful baby, she wanted someone to share this with. But she knew that letting him know would only make all of them miserable.
Him not knowing was for the better, for all of them.
December 2007
"Dad, I know. I know. Yes, I get that you wanna see Mia, she wants to see you to but I just think it's to soon. Much to soon for us to come back there. I don't think we're ready. Mia's only 6 months old and she isn't up for traveling. Plus I just got this really great job with this magazine and I can't afford to take the time of you know that. "Veronica's eyes watered as she listened to her Dad's voice and she heard the grief he felt over not being able to see his girls for the holidays….again. It had been over a year since she had left Neptune and she had yet to see her father. He had only seen pictures of Mia. She had even missed her Dad's wedding to Alicia. All out of fear, fear of running into him.
"Baby, you know he's not even here anymore. He left right after graduation in May and he hasn't been seen yet. He wouldn't see you…I sear it." Keith said, his voice pleading.
Veronica's voice shook as she answered "Dad, it's not just him, I don't think we're ready to be seen, by anyone just yet. Maybe soon, but just not yet."
July 2010
Veronica smiled as she watched the photos of her baby slowly develop before her. She found comfort now, in the middle of the night, alone in her dark room where no one could see her , where no one could question her. Lately that's all people seemed to do. When Mia was first born no one cared about the father. But now everyone wanted to know why he wasn't in the picture. Why this amazing little three year old didn't have a father in her life. Especially that little three year old.
August 2011
"Logan Echolls, meet Amelia Lillian Mars, your daughter."