Today I finally admitted to myself that my feelings for Mal Reynolds were more than just a crush. I'm not entirely sure of the nature of my feelings quite yet, but I do know that it's not just some kind of school girl fascination.
It's been quite a day for shocks. I know now that was what I felt when I saw Mal coming out of Nandi's room, buttoning his shirt. Shock and hurt. I knew immediately that they'd had intercourse, it was obvious. Mal's embarrassment, the smell of the rice wine on his breath, the smell of his perspiration, but too salty to be purely from sweating. But I wasn't expecting my reaction to the situation. All of a sudden I knew I had to be alone, where I could deal with my feelings without anyone else seeing.
I don't know how long I sat alone on the floor, crying. But when I'd finished I knew that I felt something for him. Something I'd never felt about anyone else before.
There were other shocks that day as well. I'm fairly sure Rance Burgess wasn't expecting a lowly 'whore', for I have no doubt that his contempt for those of us who provide such a service extends to licensed companions as well as The Others, to slit his throat. But then I wasn't expecting him to shoot Nandi in retaliation. The shock of her dying is what's brought me in here.
But as I sit here, in her room, surrounded by the possessions of my oldest friend. I think the biggest shock is what Nandi revealed to me. Mal has feelings for me.