Disclaimer: We realise that these characters are not ours, but we still like to put them in wierd stituations anyway. One Shot, au and very ridiculous.
Another year at Hogwarts begins, but where is Harry Potter? He is not there, no one, not even members of the Order of the Phoenix know where he is. "He must have just slipped our minds, they all say." Which creeps people out because most of the students don't know who they are, and also partially because they all say this in perfect unison. But the teachers aren't too worried, they figure that Harry can take care of himself, considering all that has happened these last few years.
In fact, Harry is not in trouble as you might suspect, he is actually at a local carnival where Voldemort has taken him out as a birthday present. Even though it is a little late in the year, Dumbledore always used to say you should know your enemies. And every time he started thinking about what Dumbledore used to say, Harry's eyes began to tear up and he immediately decided to do whatever he thought Dumbledore would have done. And as Hermione mentions after, he could be quite wrong about what Dumbledore had said, and that she didn't actually ever recall him saying that people should eat so many hotdogs they throw up.
Anyways, at the carnival, Harry is riding the Ferris wheel with Voldemort, or as Harry now likes to call him, Goldieport. Given the new technologies of the 20th magical era, Voldemort, or Goldieport has died his hair blonde, he couldn't stay bald forever now could he? On the Ferris wheel, after a minute of awkward silence these two magical powers begin to discuss potatoes.
"I believe that Sam Gamgee had an excellent opinion about potatoes, although he could have used a nice curry instead of coriander." While Goldieport is speaking Harry nods politely, although he has no idea what curry or coriander is, he is thinking that Dumbledore would have wanted him to pretend to understand. As the conversation moves to politics, Harry is still as confused as ever, and, still nodding politely, begins to stare out the window.
Down on a bench near the carnival entrance he spies a beautiful young girl. Immediately he decides that Dumbledore would have wanted him to think of a poem he could say to her once he got off.
Meanwhile unbeknownst to either of these unacquainted lovers, there is a terrible scheme being played out, Voldemort, or Goldieport as he now like Harry to call him, is in fact not being kind and generous at all, but is planning to kill Harry as soon as the ride is over. He had decided that since killing Harry in a sparsely populated graveyard didn't work, he would try again in a place so packed you couldn't see your feet. He still couldn't believe his good fortune when Harry had actually said yes to his proposition. He thought for sure that Harry would decline after he had accidentally lost his temper and turned Harry's relatives into cute little puppy dogs.
As the ride finally drew to a close, they stepped off the platform, adrenaline was pumping in Goldieport's veins, how he would relish this moment later, he couldn't wait to get home and tell Snuggles, his pet gofer, all about it.
As they walked toward the carnival exit, Voldemort can hear Harry muttering underneath his breath, something about beautiful hair and coriander.
"Alright Harry, this is it, draw your wand!" Voldemort rages
"Um, ok." Harry says, as he draws his wand, but his mind is too preoccupied to register exactly what Goldieport is doing, too busy thinking about coriander and potatoes.
"Avada Kedavra! Crap, missed. Avada Kedavra! Crap I missed again, too many people. Avada Kedavra! Darn it, why are all these people here?"
Meanwhile, Harry Potter has still not caught on to what Voldemort is doing. What is he doing, he wonders? Then everything clicks into place, the people that have been following him for weeks, the sorcerers stone, the cat that had been reading a map outside his door, everything. But the first thing his brain system gives him as a solution is WWDD what would Dumbledore Do?
The love poem, that's what he would do, Dumbledore would have wanted Harry to recite his love poem before he died, because didn't Dumbledore say, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, or something like that? And if Harry hadn't seen this girl, he would definitely be reciting love poems to himself right now.
So Harry sprints over to the girl.
"Um, hi, I'm Harry Potter, I um, saw you from on the Ferris Wheel and I would like to, uh, read you a uh, little love poem I wrote."
Giggle giggle she says, "I know who you are, I've read about you in Hogwarts, A History." Giggle giggle.
"Gees, has everyone red that book but me? Anyway, here it goes, ahem…
Roses are red, Violets are notI reach out my hand
And it's your nose I've got
"um, that's kind of it, because I couldn't find anything that rhymes with curry or potatoes, but I hope you liked it."
"Oh, it was wonderful! I especially liked the part where you said not, and then you rhymed it with got, I love poems."
At this moment, Goldieport, who had been trying to curse Harry the entire time, finally gets a killing curse strong enough to poke Harry in the back. All this strenuous exercise had been very laborious to Goldieport, and his magical energies were very drained, but don't criticize, have you ever been dead for fourteen years?
Anyways, crawling on the ground, Goldieport unleashes his final, and what he hopes to be the most powerful killing spell ever performed. Needless to say, he was greatly disappointed when Harry at that precise moment chose to look on the ground and spy a dime and pick it up, causing the curse to rocket harmlessly into the atmosphere.
Completely drained, Goldieport just lay there on the ground, watching potatoes go around and around inside his head. But almost immediately the muggle ozone patrol show up and take Voldemort to jail, and as an answer to Harry's questioning look an officer points to a sign next to a tree.
Damage to the Ozone will be punished to the full extent of the law
Surprising to say, this was quite a happy ending overall, the world saved, and Snuggles the gofer can finally fulfill his lifelong dream and go and live with Harry forever and ever. However, this love story does not go too well for Harry, because in reality, the beautiful girl Harry had spied from the Ferris wheel was actual Mad-eye Moody drinking polyjuice potion. This lead to many awkward moments at the Order of the Phoenix head quarters later that night. It seemed that Mad-eye was the only one to escape the parallel imperious curse that the death eaters had cleverly performed, but instead of helping the rest, he pushed his advantage and tried to lure Harry to safety by himself using unusual techniques, aka, polyjuicing a beautiful woman.
Goldieport's killing curses seemed to not function the same way as they used to, not a single person was killed, or even harmed during Goldieport's Avada Kedavra rampage, and as Harry discovers later, it was due to Voldemort's new golden hair, the blondness took away the usual amount of brainpower needed to successfully do the curse. Lucius Malfoy doesn't count.
The End
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