GAHH! I know I took forever, please forgive me awesomeliest reviewers. I had horrible writers block and then my muse didn't do her job. But in happier news, I got a beta! YAY!

She bloody well did get a beta. A menacing, twisted beta who will rip out your soul if you don't review.

Claimer- I own Nibbles the Squirrel, the horses, Smurf, Aldaril and Eowowen. And all the random orcs mentioned in this chapter.

Disclaimer- I own not LotR, Legolas, Aragorn, blah blah blah. Nor do I own the claimer, I forgot who it belongs to.

Smurf and Aldaril were lying on their backs. They were also laying on several thorns, a couple porcupine quills a stray dwarf or two.

"So, what you're telling me is that the Festival of Stars is basically one big excuse to get drunk?" Smurf was wary of free alcohol, although usually it was drugs she was offered.

"Yep," Aldaril confirmed.

"Even Eowowen…?"

"Yep."

"Wow….She seemed so much purer than that."

"You'd think so. She's actually a patron of the bars here and I believe secretly worships Dionysus, some god of wine. "

"Hmm," greeted this remark, then, "Do you have a crush on anyone?"

"Maybe…."

"Who?"

"No one…"

"One of Elrond's twin's likes you."

"Elladan?"

"Yup."

"Really?"

"Yup."

"Really really?"

"Yup."

"Really really really?"

"YES ALREADY!"

Aldaril rolled over onto her stomach and freed a squashed dwarf. "Are you teasing me?"

Smurf rolled over too and freed a particularly fat dwarf. "Why would I tease you about love?" she asked incredulously.

While the dwarves blinked at the sudden light then ran off, Aldaril and Smurf's talk wandered among other girly topics, like make-up and clothes and how to get porcupine quills out of one's ass.

The next night, Legolas and Smurf were announced at the festival with a few (slight) errors on the announcing elf's part.

Smurf had forced Legolas at shoe point to escort her nicely to the royal table while she kept up a smiling face and steady streams of mumbles under her breathe. "My one chance at fame…where the bloody hell is the red carpet and spotlights and reporters…how the eff am I supposed to enjoy myself if I can't even breathe properly?" and other minor mumblings could be heard if one listened hard enough at her.

As the duo sat down at the table reserved for the royal family – yes, all two hundred and fifty-six cousins, aunts, uncles, more cousins, one lone sister, and three brothers – Smurf stared in shock. "Wow…I only have fifteen cousins, ten aunts, eleven uncles and oh yeah, Kayla and Renée's fiancés…I thought I had a big family."

Legolas gave Smurf a frightened look. "What exactly are you doing….?" He asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

Smurf was struggling to get out of the heavy, rose colored dress she was wearing, and was singing, far from ever being on pitch, 'I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt'. "Oh this? I'm just getting something on that I won't mind getting all dirty when I pass out." She was now wearing a shirt reading WHS on the right side and a pair of gray shorts with CHICAGO written across the butt.

After dinner Smurf dragged Legolas down to the dance floor. Liberal amounts of elven wine had been served with the twelve-course meal. Legolas was a little more than drunk and Smurf was tipsy. "WHEEEE!" She cried out as she spun around. "I LOVE THIS!" Tripping for the forty-nine millionth, nine hundred ninety-nine thousandth, nine hundred and ninety-ninth time, she staggered to her feet. "Whoopsie." Nearby Eowowen was drinking her fiftieth glass and talking to a dwarf.

"Hey there, handsome. What's your name?"

The dwarf, who was fat, old, ugly, wrinkly, hairy, and named Glosur, blinked confusedly. 'Is she talking to me? HECK YES!' Glosur had never had much luck with women, but his luck was about to change.

"Hey sweetie, wanna dance?" Eowowen asked before tackling him and beginning to slow dance.

The rest of the evening passed in a blur thanks to the wine Smurf consumed. She vaguely remembered yelling at the minstrels to play the Macarena or was it YMCA? Regardless, the sober minstrels had greeted Smurf's demands with confused glances and shrugs, then went off and played some elfin tune. When the mornings light came, Smurf slept. Afternoon passed and she slept through that too. Finally night heralded some crickets chirps and she cracked open an eye. "SHUT THE HELL UP!" she yelled at the nearest cricket. It was unfazed.

Opening both eyes, Smurf sat up and yawned broadly. Midway through her yawn, a migraine came along and smacked her in the face before continuing on its merry way. "Owwwwww…." she moaned.

Standing up, she noticed someone had stripped her down and put an elfish traveling suit next to her. She pulled on the outfit then went over to her backpack, which lay in the corner. Gulping down the Tylenol in her hand, she wandered out into the hallway and proceeded to get lost in the castle.

Eventually she found Elladan looking love struck somewhere near Aldaril's room. "Smurf!" he cried and waved his arms, beginning to walk toward her. This dual action was too much and he promptly walked into a wall. "Smurf," he began again, "the molester…I mean Thranduil is sending Legolas, Elrohir and me off with Aragorn and you to your home!"

"Err…great? Why?"

"Because, silly, there's so many orcs around that are partial to human. Thranduil doesn't want father to be mad if Aragorn gets eaten. So we're coming to protect you!" Elladan tried to look heroic, but the multi-tasking involved with talking and trying to look heroic was once again too much and he fell over again, this time flat on his face.

Saruman…

The single name was spoken by Saruman's plantiar.

"Yes, my flaming snuggle-buddy?"

Not now, the Nazgul are here. Later…

"I humbly beg your apology master. What is it you desire of me?"

Have you found my ring yet?

"No master, not yet." Saruman dared not voice his thought, 'and neither have I found that girl….'

Well find it, you fool!

"Yes master."

As soon as the plantiar was off, Saruman called in some orcs. "Okay men, here's the plan…"

Several days into their trip, the males were almost wishing they could shoot themselves in the head. 'At least we're on the Wilderland…' was the mutual thought.

The quintet was indeed on the Wilderland, the plains extending into Mirkwood somewhat. Suddenly a group of orcs ran up and grabbed Smurf off Nicse, then ran off again.

"HEY! PUT ME DOWN! LEGOLAAAAAAS!" Her cries faded into the distance as the remaining four travelers looked at each other.

"…What the frick?"

They gave her a couple minutes to reappear. When she failed at that, they gave an almighty cheer and turned right around to head back to Mirkwood.

"Aragorn, King of Gondor," a voice said out of some purple and silver sugar cube shaped clouds.

"What are you talking about?" Aragorn asked suspiciously.

If the voice had visible eyes, they would have been shifty. "Nothing, nothing…" it said, "Anyway, you four must rescue Smurf. Saruman wants her for purposes most foul."

"Lemme think about that….no." Aragorn replied.

"Let's see if this will convince you then…." The voice smirked and snapped its fingers. Suddenly, Elladan was a piece of buttered toast, Legolas was a Barbie doll ™, Elrohir was a neon sign – really, really bright, and neon pink – and Aragorn was trapped in a SnoGlobe with the authoress and her sadistic-looking beta.

"Aragorn, you'd better…"started Elrohir the neon sign,

"…Get us back to normal or…" menaced the Barbie doll™.

"…." Elladan just sat there.

"All right? All right!" Aragorn cried as the girls advanced looking very fangirlish, and in the beta's case, vicious.

The voice muttered something and everyone was back to normal. Even the clouds were gone.

Mounting up, the foursome set off to find Smurf, unwillingly, but it's the thought that counts…right?

When the orcs had taken Smurf to wherever they had taken her, she was dumped at Saruman's feet. "Ah, there you are. I was waiting for you."

"What do you want from me? Kinky old man sex?" Smurf looked disgusted.

If possible, Saruman looked even more disgusted than Smurf. "Valar no! I already have a snuggle buddy…erm, partner."

"Thank God. So what do you want from me?"

Saruman simply gave Smurf his I'm-an-evil-old-man grin and replied, "You'll see m'dear, you'll see." He then began to laugh evilly. "Muwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Smurf, for reasons unknown, began to laugh evilly as well. That is, until she choked.

Days passed as Saruman laughed. If Smurf wasn't surrounded by murderous Orcs with no pencils, flip-flops or sporks in sight to fight with, she would have wandered away by now.

-runs off to find a bathroom- Oh God, I cannot believe I even thought about Smurf and Saruman and….

Neither can I, quoth the beta…who shudders at the thought…

Oh, and before I forget, everyone give a big round of applause to SlashyKitty and MagikFae. They both made this possible, Slashy for being my beta and Magik for telling me the names of the horses in Elvish. Iheartthem both!