Summary: Laura's thoughts during our favorite scene in Home Part 2.
Disclaimer: No matter how much I wish I did, I own nothing.
Things Left Unsaid: Home pt2(Laura)
Written by Aphrodite
Just sitting her watching him brings a smile to my face. Ever since we fled the Galactica, he's been so sad and distant. To see him there, laughing and joking with his best friend gives me a feeling of warmth inside - something I just realized that I have been missing since that day as well. I know exactly the reason my captain's eyes are shining again.
I hear you before I see you, but only just. Years of military training and experience insures that. A slight rustle in the brush just behind me, and suddenly you're infront of me. Because I am sitting, I have to pull my head back to look at you completely. The slight smile flees my lips as I take in your appearance. You look so different, I almost don't recognize you.
The first night on the Astral Queen, Captain Apollo told me exactly what had happened to his father. How a young woman you trusted and loved smiled and thanked you before pulling her side arm and firing two bullets into your chest with absolutely no sign of remorse or emotion at all. That was the first time I had ever seen my captain cry, and I have to admit, it shook me to the core. Deep down, it made me question whether Dr. Cottle could really have saved you.
You don't say a word, but your eyes stay locked with mine as you slowly sit down across from me - close enough to touch. For a beat, neither of us move. I want to speak, but I seem to have lost the ability. Your appearance has changed drastically yet subtlely. You seem thin and worn, but not weak. If anything, you're even more stoic than ever. From the first time I met you, the sight of you has given me butterflies. So I am content to remain just sitting here watching you watch me. Though, inevitably, you break the silence.
"You interfered with a military mission, and you broke your word to me," you speak softly. Hearing your voice again moves me even more than I had expected. Not long ago, I had been certain that I would never hear it again. I smile sweetly in response.
"It's the second part that really bothers you isn't it?" I ask, finding my voice again. It's a rhetorical question, and you know it. You trusted me, and I let you down. A small twinge of guilt grips me for a fraction of a second. It's not for what I've done but for what I had to do to get here.
"Laura, I forgive you," you say quickly, but honestly. It sounds more like a sigh, but it is a strong statement nonetheless. I try not to show you how deeply the use of my first name affects me. Failing miserably, I find myself smiling again - bigger and more noticible this time. I realize then that I want more than anything to accept your words. Not for my benefit, but for yours. You look so tired and lost.
I don't believe either of us realized how much we relied on each other until we didn't have it anymore - as cliche as that may sound. It's hard for you to say this, and I can see in your eyes just how badly you want my acceptance. Which is why a little piece of my heart breaks as I refuse you.
"Thank you, Bill," my smile doesn't waver as I call you by name as well. I want to show you that I want to make things right too, but "I didn't ask for your forgiveness." Inwardly, I pray that I didn't rip out the first stitch in our torn relationship. However, to my great relief, you smile back at me. I should have known. You know me better than to take it personally.
"Well, you have it anyway," you tell me as your smile grows as well. It is at this moment that I realize that we are going to be okay. We both believe what we did was right, and we both regret parts of what happened as a result. My eyes wander to your chest at that thought. I remember my feelings of helplessness and rage that had overwhelmed me that day as a bloodsoaked Apollo revealed his father's fate to me in the brig of the Galactica. By the way the captain moved and spoke and the look in his eyes, pupils dialated a bit more than normal, I thought we had lost you. I thought I had lost you. I cried that night. I held it in until the last possible moment, but when the lights were turned down and Captain Apollo gone, I cried.
The irony of it all is laughable. It's something only you and I can understand - a strange sort of camaraderie we share. I'm not saying we're best friends or anything - not even close. Hell, this is the first time we've said each other's first name, but for the longest time, I've felt a strange sense of security just knowing you exist.
I suppose that's why I was never angry. I knew you were though. I saw it in every aspect of you as you shut me in the brig. I made a point then to show you that I wasn't, but it only seemed to make things worse. Almost as if you wanted me to be angry too. However, even then I knew things would work out. After all, I was suppose to lead all the survivors to there destiny.
Destiny. I had never put much stock into analyzing the word. In my eyes, humanity's destiny had always been Earth, but it is clear to me now that each of us has a different fate awaiting us, and the loss of Elosha is a painful reminder that it is not Earth for everyone. Suddenly, the weight of my burden intensifies until it nearly overwhelms me. The ever present sense of loneliness is creeping into my stomach and up my chest - clenching my heart and seizing my breath. I close my eyes briefly to try to retain my composure, and I heat you shift in front of me. I quickly open my eyes and meet your's. I realize now that this is exactly what I have been needing. Suddenly, I'm not so lonely and begin to reveal the demon that has been lurking over my shoulder.
"Lt. Thrace says that there are survivors on the colonies. There are people fighting against the cylons everyday. They're fighting for their homes, their future..." You break eye contact with me now and silently utter, "I see." You know why I am telling you this. You know what's tearing me apart from the inside out. Though, somehow, I expected more. Perhaps a subtle, "I told you so?"
"It doesn't give you a pause?" I ask, sounding slightly surprised. "Maybe your impulse the day the cylons attacked was right, and we should have stayed and fought for our homes. Maybe the president of the colonies should have stayed with her people."
He takes in every word as I speak, weighing them in his mind. The choice to leave was the only choice I would or could have possibly considered on the day of the attack. To anyone I've spoken to since, I have showed only confidence and certainty over my decision. But, in truth, I have had a constant twinge of guilt and uncertainty festering in the pit of my stomach.
"I didn't come here for this," you say suddenly. The strength and insistance in your tone startles me, and I find myself unable to look away from you. "I didn't come here to nimgaze or catalog our mistakes. We made the decision to leave the colonies. We made the decision. It was the right one then. It's the right one now. And every moment of everyday since then is a gift."
I'm so shocked that I only smile at first. I am beginning to feel even more hopeful now. Maybe you're starting to see things as I do. After all, I know too that everyday is a gift, "From the Gods?"
"No. From you," you correct. I'm not sure what I had expected, but it certainly wasn't that. My mind doesn't fully register the smile fading as my features change to an expression of complete shock and awe. "For convincing me that I should go. I would be dead. My son would be dead. Whatever the cost, I won't second guess that outcome."
I try to speak, but I find myself paralyzed. All I can do is sit here and stare at you. You've changed so much, but I suppose that is to be expected of someone who so recently returned from the threshold of death. The physical change is obvious - I had noticed it immediately. It's what kept me from running and hiding when you first appeared through the brush.
However, you've changed inside the most. I can see it, I can hear it, and I can feel it. You're still my commander, but there's something more - a certainty in your presence that I have never felt before. I wonder if, in this new state of mind, you can see how much it means to me that you are here. I know you didn't come for me, though. You came for your son. The son who was certain he would never be forgiven.
At this thought, I can't stop myself from turning to watch the young Adama laughing and joking with his best friend by the fire. Just seeing it brings a smile to my face, I watch for a long moment before turning back, still smiling, to face the elder version. You smile back at me, and there is pride in your eyes for your son - not shame as Apollo had feared. You then reach down and pick up Elosha's book of scriptures.
"Now, I think it's time to go find this tomb of your's," you continue to smile as you hand me the book, and I continue to smile back. Our eyes lock, and a shiver runs doen my spine. I try to hide it, but I can see the concern flash in your eyes. It feels so good to see that again, but it also raises questions in my mind. Has anyone told you about the cancer yet? Do you know that in just a matter of months, I will be killed by the one thing you cannot protect me from? Myself.
A part of me hopes you don't know. It's something that I had always pictured telling you myself when the time was right. You deserve that much. Although, another part hopes you do. This part is purely selfish, of course. It would be so much easier to have it done for me. But I suppose that doesn't matter now.
As I accept the book you're holding out for me, our fingertips touch slightly. You could hardly call it a touch really, but, this time, you shiver with me. I smile a little wider at the sight, and you return the favor. I don't believe either of us are sure of what it means, but, then again, maybe we are and simply won't admit it. However, for now we are just a commander and a president who happen to have the unique ability to make the other weak.
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