OMG I'm getting so many reviews yay! Heh, for me, 4 is a lot. And so I have now decided that there will be another update only when I receive 4 (FOUR) reviews, not 3 anymore. Okay? So if ya want a fast update, review!

Thank yous:
Merffles: Thanks very much!
cynical.life: No! You must drop down to your knees and beg this time around! Muahaha! (And I'm dead serious, too)
asucaginluv: Don't worry, I feel the need to update anyways. But I need your reviews to do so!
ZGMF X-19A Infinite Justice: You have no idea how long it is to write your name in every thank you...heh just kidding lol thanks for the support!

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed...or do I? evil snicker Nah, I really don't. Enjoy everybody!

CHAPTER FIFTEEN – BERSERK TORTURE

Rin sat in the Harmony, making adjustments and repairing her mobile suit single-handedly. Azrael had ordered no one to touch her mobile suit in exchange for her alliance, and Rin liked it better that way. That way, her machine stayed safe. That was the most important thing.

Shani, Clotho, and Orga were all nearby, watching mechanics adjust their mobile suits. Orga went over to Rin. "What'cha doing?" he asked.

"What does it look like?" she snapped. "I'm fixing my machine."

"Hmm." Orga inspected the system as Rin was repairing a tear in the cockpit's seat. When she noticed him doing this, she smacked him across the face and shut the system off. Orga gave a startled yelp and glared at her. "What was that for?" he demanded.

"Get your filthy paws off my ship," Rin retorted. "Go fix your own."

"Go fix your own," Orga mimicked in an ugly voice as he left the cockpit. "Well, I don't need to," he added smugly. "I've got the mechanics. 'Go fix your own,' my ass."

But if there was one thing Rin was proud of, it was that she finished all of her repairs and adjustments before the mechanics working on the Calamity, Forbidden, and the Raider did, which wiped the smirk off of Orga's face for at least twenty minutes.

Once Orga had regained his usual composure, the four teens were summoned to the bridge. Azrael told them of the plan: they were going to attack.

"Even with ZAFT ships in the area?" exclaimed Rin. "But that could prove to be suici–"

"Shut up, girl," Azrael ordered, and Rin instantly stopped, knowing full well that the look in his eyes said, cross me and suffer. He continued, "The ZAFT ships haven't been moving. As long as they don't move, we have the chance to finish things this time. Got that?"

"Yes," they all answered in unison.

"Yes, sir," he corrected with a funny smile.

"Yes, sir," they repeated, but Rin merely mumbled it.

And off they went to board their mobile suits. Rin boarded the Harmony without saying a word to anyone. She didn't even listen when Azrael issued her a warning through the CIC. She didn't remember launching, either, but suddenly she was back into the void of space, face-to-face with the Justice once more.

"Rin, you have to come back!" Athrun protested as soon as she locked on to him. He didn't even raise a weapon. "Rin, you'll be safe with us!"

"No I won't!" she retorted, firing a beam. He made an easy dodge.

"You think I don't understand, but I do!" Athrun tried again. "I know they're hurting you. But we can make it better! There are good doctors on the Eternal. You'll be okay!"

So the Eternal was the pink ship's name. But Rin had no time to think about that. "Athrun, just shut up, please!" she yelled. "Just leave me – hey, where's Kira?" She had just noticed that the Freedom was nowhere in sight. Come to think of it, neither were the Buster or the Strike.

A little dejectedly, Athrun said, "They're not here right now. But if you really want to kill me –" he blocked some shots from the three boys and dodged some more "– I won't fight you. I won't fight back against you. Kill me if you want, but I don't want to see you getting hurt."

Rin was crying again. She couldn't stand it anymore. Was someone her age ever ready for this kind of ordeal? "Athrun, you have to fight back! I don't want to kill you – ugh!"

Clotho had hit her in the back. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" he yelled at her, firing beams at Athrun. "Fight him, damn it!"

And that was when it happened. Pain became Rin's universe, like it did whenever she was punished. The unbearable pain that signalled her to use Azrael's drugged water. But why now? She had taken some before boarding her mobile suit – hadn't she?

When Rin thought back and realized she hadn't, she practically lost it. She headed back for the Dominion as fast as she could, gasping in pain.

"What are you doing, Harmony?" the captain demanded.

"I – need – water," Rin panted. "Let me in!"

"All right," the captain said with a sigh. "Let her in."

"Don't."

Rin gasped and saw Azrael's angry face on the communicator. "You are not coming back in until this fight is over," he ordered. "I don't care if you fight in this condition – but that's what you get for not listening to me!"

"No, please, let me in!" Rin begged, crying again.

"NO! NOW GO AND FIGHT!"

Rin turned back to the battle, gasping with each breath, gripping the controls so tightly that one of them actually bent. There, she saw that Kira had returned, and was helping Athrun fight Orga, Clotho, and Shani. He gave a start when he saw Rin.

"Rin, what are you doing?" he asked. "Why are you fighting for them?"

"Stop it!" Rin moaned. "Stop talking to me!"

Athrun clued in, and he and Kira both gasped when they saw her face so full of suffering on their screens. Rin was also surprised to see the look in their eyes. They were strangely blank…it made Rin remember of their abilities with the SEED. That was probably it.

"Rin!" Kira gasped.

"What – what did they do to you?" Athrun barely managed to get his words out.

"You see!" Rin yelled as her current teammates battled her former teammates. She was in so much pain that she couldn't control her mobile suit – even talking was a struggle. "This is why – this is why I can't come back!"

Kira was shocked beyond words. He already seemed distracted, and this seemed to make it worse. Athrun, however, grew more determined. "Whatever they've done to you, we'll fix it! I promise you we will!"

At that moment, Rin believed him so much that she almost started to follow him, but Azrael's words hung in her head: And I'm the only one who keeps the drug.

"NO!" she yelled. "No, you can't fix me! Just please…LEAVE ME ALONE!" With that, she smashed the communicator, and everything changed.

She was conscious of the pain, but it suddenly seemed distant somehow. All she saw were the targets in front of her, the targets that needed to be eliminated. If she could eliminate them, the pain would stop completely…

She didn't know what she was doing, but she was aware of her fingers moving around and pressing all kinds of controls. She didn't know where she was going or aiming, but she was flying through the air with incredible speed and shooting with incredible power. A single thought crossed her mind at one point: The ZAFT ships are advancing, and they've dumped a pod into space. But that didn't matter to her. The universe went out around her, illuminating only her two targets…neither was fighting back, and they were simply dodging her teammates' blows. But one of them…one of them wasn't moving. Its back was towards her…it was the perfect opportunity…she fired a massive beam…the mobile suit plunged forwards…Rin grinned in delight…it was working, she'd be free soon…she moved in to deliver the final blow…

"STOP IT, RIN, THAT'S ENOUGH!"

Something shoved her aside, and Rin snapped out of it. The Justice was in front of her, covering for the Freedom…the mobile suit she had almost destroyed…

"Rin," Athrun said through the communicator, which surprisingly still had some life in it. His voice was calm and steady. "Please, stop it. Our ships are ordering a retreat. You'd better go."

He turned to support the Freedom to bring it back to the Eternal, and Dearka in the Buster covered for them. Rin was aware of yelling from Natarle, ordering her back, but she paid no attention. Had she just done what she thought she did? Did she really come that close…to killing Kira?

"No," she whispered, looking at her shaking hands. The pain was terrible, but in her shock she hardly noticed it. "No…it can't be…I can't have…I…no…"

She heard the captain's voice as though from a great distance, "Somebody bring her back."

She was barely aware of the Raider coming towards her. She hardly noticed that soon she was moving again.

The reverend Malkio's voice echoed in her head: I wouldn't be surprised if you ended up being a bearer of the SEED. I believe you have the abilities to push yourself that far.

Had she really done it? Had she unlocked the powers of the SEED? That would explain how she had completely lost control of herself. And she'd already done it once before, she realized. When they were leaving Orb…

"No…" Rin moaned, unable to face the truth. "I can't be…what have I…why me? Why…why did I…no…"

All of her thoughts were jumbled and numb, but one came back again and again, clearer and clearer with each second she thought about it: If I can't control myself…that makes me a berserker…and it also means…I'll kill people…without wanting to…what if I had killed Kira and Athrun? I didn't really want to kill them. To kill someone without really wanting to, without realizing what you were doing…can I take that kind of pain?

It was worse than the pain enveloping her body right now. It was a terrible bruise to the soul.

Someone opened her cockpit door, and Shani stepped in, holding a glass of water. Rin took it with shaking hands, but she shook so badly that half the water spilled. She took the rest down in one gulp, and the physical pain subsided. Shani left, muttering, "Klutz."

But Rin didn't pay any attention. She was still in shock was Orga and Clotho came by. They said things to her, but she didn't hear any of it. When they left a few minutes later, Rin was in the same position she had been in before: eyes wide, head looking down at her shaking hands.

At one point, Rin was dimly aware of someone – the captain, guiding her to her quarters. Rin was helped into bed, and she was left alone.

She lay in bed for what seemed like an eternity, staring at the ceiling, hands still shaking. Then the tears came out, and she cried herself to sleep.