(Eight)
After the others had filed out, only Logan, Karen and the Professor remained. Henry had been sent to return the thief and Remy came in as commanded. He hadn't gone far when he walked out before, he had gone to get a soda and was smoking out in the hallway. He didn't sit at the table now but walked to the back of the room to lean against the far wall, not eager to participate. He knew this was going to be an ass chewing for the fight he and Logan'd had that morning and quite honestly didn't want to hear it. He didn't expect his grievances to be resolved here, they hadn't any time before.
Logan wasn't much happier. He was still in his seat at the large meeting table and was cloudy and sullen. He wasn't warmed by the presence of Karen here. In this place and setting, she was as much a hunter as the Professor. The two of them wanted facts and Wolverine had serious doubts he was going to make it out of here without having to spill his guts. He would be forced to confess his secrets.
The Professor looked at the two men, his two most secretive and rebellious charges. He loved them both and understood how each one was tormented by their demons, but things couldn't continue like this. He started by saying, "As you know, I've given both of you a lot of latitude in dealing with your differences, but I'm certain I don't have to say that violence like I witnessed today cannot be allowed."
He waited for the usual sputtering of excuses, but both of them were oddly quiet.
"Clearly, the two of you have issues here that must be addressed. We will get to the bottom of this, gentlemen. This trouble ends now. I have asked Karen to mediate and help the two of you get this worked out. Where it seems Remy has something of a rightful grievance, the balance of this matter weighs on you, Logan. I think it's time you told us what happened in the warehouse."
Remy's eyebrows arched, he hadn't expected the Professor to acknowledge any wrongdoing on Logan's part, it would be like speaking for Kimble. It was a welcome surprise.
"That's between Kim an' me," Wolverine replied stubbornly. He wasn't about to confess to anything readily, certainly not in front of Karen. His dark secret was his and his alone.
Karen looked at Remy. "You have anything to offer? You seem to have some information on this matter that you've withheld."
"Dis Wolvie boy's trouble. Gambit knows what it is, not dat dis fucker gave it up easy," Remy said, his bitter tone betraying remaining hidden anger.
"Why didn't you mention it before?" the Professor asked, trying to ignore the blast of heat that came from Wolverine's smouldering eyes.
"Not my secret to tell, 'Fessor. Simple as dat."
"All these secrets have caused us all a lot of pain lately. The two of you should be mindful of that. I hope you will consider cooperating with Karen, Logan. Since some of Kimble's damage is at your hands, here is a chance to make up for it," the Professor said sternly, his disappointment at the stubbornness of his two Outer Circle students clearly causing him pain and frustration.
Remy moved to a service table in the back of the room and started to make a pot of coffee. He turned his back on the others, giving them space.
"Talk to me, Logan," Karen said softly.
"Can I smoke?" Logan asked as an excuse to think. He wouldn't look at the Professor.
"Sure," she replied, placing a paper cup with some water in it for him to use as an ashtray. She generally hated when he smoked, thinking it a vile habit, but was eager to make this easier for him. She had an idea that he was going to spill, she just had to be patient and understanding. She was grateful when the Professor didn't argue about it, it was policy that no one could smoke during meetings.
"You remember that winter 'bout six year back when I took off up t' Canada fer no reason?" Logan began softly. He kept his eyes down, watching his cigarette burn.
"Yes," the Professor answered. He was the only one in the room who would know. This was well before Gambit had joined up. "You never told us why, only that you had experienced some sort of breakdown. You had lost control and killed someone. Someone who had hurt you badly."
"It was this guy, Crazy John. He ain't in yer computer so don' bother lookin' it up." Wolverine continued, still not looking at anyone, he was speaking to the table. "He was just another crazy with a point to make. I've been out in the playin' field a long time, boys an' girls. I got enemies I don' even know who they are. That's what I figured this guy was. Just some stupid crazy. He would be like all the others and sooner or later he would babble on an' get around ta tellin' me how I fucked him over or some such thing.
"Turns out, I never met this guy. He heard 'bout me from someone else, maybe Creed. He woulda fit right in with Victor's bunch, that's fer sure. He caught me on an off night, pumped me full 'a shit so I couldn't fight an' dumped me in the back of his truck. It was kinda embarrassin' actually, how easily he took me down, but, hey, I won't ever claim ta be perfect.
"Anyways, he brung me ta his loft. It was huge...big an' quiet. Perfect fer what he had in mind. Guess I knew I was in trouble when I saw all the cameras he had rigged up. Most guys just chain me up and whack away, y'know? He...he brought me in and...an' he lay me down on this table...face down."
Logan's fingers began to tremble and he paused, trying to maintain his control. He was strong. He was a rock. He couldn't possibly be talking about this. The only thing driving him was the guilt. He had seen Kimble's break happen and was responsible for some of it. He closed his eyes and smoked, nodding when Remy set a cup of hot coffee in front of him. "Thanks."
"No problem, mon ami," Remy said quietly and withdrew back to the rear of the room. He sat at the far end of the long table and lit up his own cigarette, keeping quiet.
Logan sipped his coffee and smoked, thinking of how best to say this. "He tied me down and pumped me full of more junk, some kind of narcotic. I think it was horse tranquilizers, but I couldn't be sure. Somethin' real strong. With my healing factor, I didn't really get trashed, just immobilized. I was awake the whole time, but couldn't get loose. He started out whippin' me with a belt, laughin' away. I sat back and just went for the ride, I mean, what could I do about it, right? Sooner or later he would fuck up an' I'd beat the shit out of him and go home, the usual dance.
"Well, he got bored with the belt when I wouldn't scream and went on to the whole burnin' me with cigarettes thing. That didn't work out so well either so he shot me and I still wouldn't scream so he tried cuttin' off my fingers. The dumb fuck didn't even know about the metal in my bones - what a dope - so he gave up on that an' started pacin'. He says, 'What if I setcha on fire?', and I said, 'Well, ol' Victor done that ta me two years ago an' I'm still here, stupid. Gonna hafta do better'n that.' Guess the only stupid one there was me, 'cause all of a sudden he got this look his in his eyes. I knew I was in for it then, but I figured whatever it was I could take it, cause it's all been done ta me, right? Jeezus..."
Logan put his cigarette in the cup of water and covered his face with his hands, leaning over the table and resting on his elbows. Karen rubbed his shoulder, but he didn't feel it. He just kept talking numbly, wanting to be so done with this so he could go get drunk and forget about it.
"He come over an'...an' he untied my legs so he could spread 'em apart. I was kickin' around then, havin' some idea of what was gonna happen, but I was too doped up to put up a decent fight. I wasn't too doped up not to know what...what he was doin' ta me. I uesta think that when they took me... when they crammed all this metal inta me without askin'...that... that was the worst way my body could be...violated. I was wrong."
"Did he rape you?" the Professor asked softly.
"Yes," Wolverine replied, his voice breaking a little. He was still hiding behind his hands. "I lost it. He was stupid an' let the drugs run too low an' I lost it. I got loose an' I killed him... Horrible... Horrible... I done it real slow, makin' him scream twice fer every howl he brung outta me when he was doing...that...to me. I ripped him up, tore off his arms...his legs... Victor woulda been so proud of me..." he trailed off, shaking now. He could hear the inner beast howling now and he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to keep it down.
"It's all right, Logan. Your response, though extreme, is understandable," the Professor soothed.
"No...no it ain't. I liked it, Chuck," he said, taking his hands down so he could look his mentor in the eyes. "I liked it when I was rippin' him apart. What I done ta him...it wasn't painless...not quick like I usually am. I only stopped when there wasn't nuthin' left ta shred. I smashed all the cameras and burned the place down to the ground. There wasn't nuthin' left. No one was ever gonna know what happened ta me."
"But Kimble found out," Karen said.
"When I see rapin'...it's all I can think of. What was done ta me," Wolverine said, ignoring her statement. He wasn't ready to go there yet. "When I see Kimble an' the things he does-"
"Kimble never raped nobody," Remy interrupted in Kimble's defense. He had been quiet the whole time Wolverine was telling his horrific tale. It contrasted sharply with the experience he had shared with Young Kimble in the Siskan pleasure room. Yes, Remy had been there against his will, but the event had been highly pleasurable, something he'd kept to himself. He had never considered it a rape although technically it could've been called that. What Logan had gone through wasn't any better than what he'd seen Kimble go through on the tape.
"That's not true," Logan barked, squinting a little. His pain was replaced with stubbornness at Remy's confrontation and he was grateful for the distraction.
"When?" Remy snapped bitterly, opening his arms in a challenge. "Dere ain't no way Kimble woulda done dat to nobody. Dat's against de rules. Kimble's rules."
"Well his rules got changed. I mean, he wasted all those guys on Nine an' he wasn't supposed to be able to do that either."
"When was this? The rape," the Professor asked, quietly alarmed.
Logan answered, "He was foolin' around with Bobby, usin' his "charm power" or some such on 'im. Me an' Jeannie walked in on 'em an' broke it up."
"When was this? Bobby said nothing about it."
"It was the third day since we come back from Cerise. Bobby was probably too embarrassed to say anything. Kimble was all over him. He changed his skin into a girl and was pawin' him up in the gym. If we hadn't walked in, Kimble woulda had him all the way. I asked Bobby if he wanted it and he said no. He was all freakin' out about it, beggin' us not ta say anything so I jus' let it go."
"So Kimble had trouble here right from the start?"
"Yeah."
"So what did you do to 'im, homme?" Remy asked with obvious malice. "You wouldn't let Kimble go wit'out runnin' off your mouth."
"I didn' say nuthin'. He said he wanted some company, I said go find it somewhere else, an' he ran off. That's it. Apparently he didn't listen too good 'cause the next day he was all over Holly."
"Dat's when Kimble really start ta slide," Remy said to Karen. "After 'Olly, Seth say he 'eard Kimble arguin' wit his'self and lookin' all wrecked like 'e done on de Dragon on de way 'ere."
"Why did Kimble's behavior upset you so much?" Karen asked Wolverine. "It sounds like he didn't actually rape anybody."
"Only 'cause I was there ta stop it. He was seducin' 'em with his power. He was takin' without askin'. That's rape enough fer me."
"Junta bay," Remy said softly but with enough strength to get Karen's attention.
"What did you say?"
"Takin' wit'out askin'. Dat's junta bay. De worse' evil in de world. Breakin' de rules. 'Is father make 'im promise never t' take wit'out consent 'cause dat was de worse t'ing a Courtesan could do. T'ing is, Kimble ain't got no 'charm power', comprenez? It's 'is empathy an 'e can't control it. 'E don't do it on purpose."
"How do you know this?" the Professor wanted to know.
Gambit shrugged. "Gambit knows. When we share de files, Kim took 'im for a little ride. I seen firs' hand 'ow dis power works. He don' really control it, it jus' kinda 'appens. He needs de love so badly 'cause it heals 'im. When 'e wants like dat, it jus' consumes 'im. He reach out wit 'is need, wit 'is mind. It jus' appens. It ain't no deliberate t'ing. Not fo' cruelty. Not fo' 'urtin'. Gambit knows what it's like ta need...to need so much an' 'ave nuthin' to 'old on to, oui. His pain is Gambit's pain, Gambit knows 'cause he been where Kimble is now. Dat great big empty hole in 'is heart, it 'urts like nuthin' else. It's cold...cold like ice," he ended softly and shivered unconsciously as his body remembered the desolation of Antarctica. He had said more than he had intended and turned away, embarrassed.
"I can see why you and Kimble have the bond that you do," Karen said. "You are both very sensitive and aware of the feelings of others."
Logan snorted. "Please!"
"Logan," the Professor said sharply. "This is not the time."
"You don't get it, do you?" Karen said, getting Logan's attention. "You all deal with your emotions differently. Kimble lays it all out, Remy pretends not to notice he has them, and you just bury them all inside like they aren't real. No one is any position to judge anyone else here."
Wolverine shook his head and lit another cigarette, clearly in disagreement.
"While all of this is enlightening, we still haven't gotten around to why we are here in the first place. What happened in the warehouse, Logan?" the Professor demanded.
Logan fiddled with the makeshift paper cup ashtray. "It was the same thing... I was all strung up. They took a crowbar ta me an' I was all cut up."
Karen couldn't help but shudder a little. She couldn't get over Logan's eerie calm about discussing the ways these different people had hurt him so badly. Beaten with a belt? Set on fire? A crowbar? Funny how it was the rape that made him almost cry. It would have been the least physically painful, but the most personal of attacks.
Logan gave her a look of malicious cruelty, her punishment for making him do this. "It's okay, darlin'. After the first two or three hits, ya jus' don' feel nuthin' no more. Life's funny that way."
"Logan, please," the Professor pleaded gently. He knew this was awful for Wolverine, but this had to be done.
"Well, Kimble come up on me. I was in pretty bad shape, they'd just finished and I didn't have much time ta really heal up. I was...sufferin' an' I guess he thought he could help me."
"Dat's not what you was t'inkin' at de time, I'll bet," Remy snapped, knowing what Logan was going to say next. "You was all laughin' 'bout it wit me, but Gambit knows you musta been madder dan a trapped rat when 'e touched you."
Logan glared at his Cajun team mate.
"How did Kimble touch you?" Karen asked carefully.
"He kissed me and I bit his face," he said stiffly with a snarl.
"Kimble need de contact for 'is empathy t' work. 'E touch to take de pain of others," Remy said quickly, trying to excuse the behavior of his wayward friend.
"What's that? He can take people's pain?"
"Oui, jus' like 'e done wit de Siskans dat were sick. Jus' like 'e's doin' wit Creed."
"What happened next?" Karen prodded.
"I said I knew what he was all about...how he used people. He gave me all of his stupid excuses, sayin' how he don' take without askin'."
"An' you corrected 'im, neh?" Remy snapped, still on the defensive. "You set him real straight, I'll bet. What a pal."
Logan was quiet.
"Dat's great, jus' great. You tell a Siskan Courtesan 'e a rapist. Dat's real fine. Baiser abruti!"
"Remy," Charles cautioned. He may not know much French, but he was a telepath. He would understand "fucking asshole" in any language when the speaker was telegraphing such malice.
"Non. Gambit sees dis real clear, y'all. Zander, he ain't suppose' ta kill, but 'e do it anyway. De Lover, he need so badly he have to steal it, now he a rapist. Lakotashay, her name spell it all out. A little girl named Dog Shit. She junta bay, just like de sign on 'er neck. All dese t'ings, dey against de programmin'. Dat's why he shatter."
Logan growled in anger. "He came up on me while he thought I was still out. He still made the first play, Cajun. I just made him see what he was doin', that's all. I know he's yer friend an' all, but the guy's got no control an' he's dangerous!"
"Kimble's not dangerous. Not to anyone who treat 'im decent. All 'e ever wanted from you was respect -an' you never gave it to 'im! Not once!"
"That's not true!"
"Yes it is!" Remy snarled, getting the final word. "He came to you to 'elp you, take away your sufferin'. All dis time Gambit's been tellin' you 'ow 'e is, but you never listen. You got your mind all made up about 'im an' dere ain't no changin' it. He try to 'elp you an' you call 'im a rapist. Dat's some real cold cold shit," Remy said, shaking his head. He was so tired, so tired of everything. Maybe he should just leave. He could find Kimble on his own, given enough time. He could find Kimble and they would just go somewhere far, far away from here.
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with Logan on at least part of this, Remy," the Professor said. "Kimble clearly shows a lack of control and poor judgement."
"Non. You all judge 'im by 'is outside. Everybody does. You, Fallen, de Siskans. Valentin. Everybody, 'cept me. Gambit knows 'is inside. Gambit know 'ow big 'is poor broken heart is. Now de only one who t'inks 'e's good for anyt'ing is dat no good fuck up Creed. Look what Kimble done, his need is so great, he take dat encule de mere...dat monster fo' 'is Master. Dat's why 'e let Saby beat 'im up, why 'e takes what dat asshole does to 'im. Even if Gambit brings dat boy home, he still gonna be fucked up, 'cause of all of you and yo' damn stupid intolerance. De only way to fix Kimble is to forgive 'im. Forgive 'im for all he done an' accept 'im just as he is. Too bad none of yous got de brass ta do it."
"It will take more than just forgiveness, Remy. But it's a start," Karen said. "I think we should all just take a break now and think about what was said here today. I know I don't have to say all of this is strictly confidential and won't leave this room."
" 'Ey, de Professor dere say Gambit don' ever say nuthin' even when 'e should, d'accord? Gambit ain't gonna tell nobody," Remy said bitterly, rising.
"Good. Please try not to let this come between you, boys. I mean that. We've all suffered here and recriminations and anger aren't going to help anyone."
Remy paused and took a deep breath, calming down. He walked over to Logan and boldly held his hand out. "Peace?" It was a challenge.
Logan stood, grinning at him in an angry sneer and shook it, at the very least being careful of the thief's damaged fingers.
"Boys," Karen complained. "C'mon, now."
"I never meant ta break yer toy," Logan said honestly. It would be the closest Remy would get to an apology.
"I never meant ta let 'im off 'is leash. Won' 'appen again."
"That's better," Karen said, giving them both a squeeze, making them roll their eyes in exasperation. "Now, before you two run off and get drunk like fools, let's go have some supper and make nice. I bought some nice steaks."
"You cook spicy?" Remy asked with a playful grin.
"I can cook for anybody. Let's go find out."
They all walked out together and up to the kitchen. The conversation was subdued but peaceful and when they finished, they went their separate ways. Remy walked off towards the rec room, already knowing it was time for X-files and counting on Molly to be there waiting. He was tired inside and out and really needed her company right now. He could hear the sound of the television there and couldn't hide a smile of happiness when she turned to look up at him.
Logan paired off with Karen, no longer needing that drink. They went up to her room for some hands on recovery time. It was the best treatment for his pain that she could have to offer and he was grateful.
The Professor sat back and watched them go, happy. He used his mental eye to track them, sensing their presences easily without invading their minds. He felt that things had resolved themselves reasonably, much better than if Karen hadn't been there. He alone would never have gotten Logan to talk, he knew that. It gave him some hope that Kimble would get straightened out if and when they managed to recover him.