I can never tell them. I know this hurts them, and I know that it's slowly killing me, but I can never ever tell them what I am. This is the only certain thing in my life right now.
Every time I see their faces, every time I do something connected with them, every time I look in the mirror, I can only think of them. Every time I leave the house, every time I return home, all day long I think of them, and wish that they could think of me. Wish that they could know me. Wish that I could take back these last few years. Wish that I could explain everything to them.
But it's not to be. At least, not yet. One day maybe, when all this is over, if it ever is, I can return to them. Maybe they'll welcome me back with open arms. Maybe they'll turn away with hurt in their eyes and in their hearts. I want to apologise for the hurt and the pain I'm causing them, but I can't. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
That's the worst thought actually, one that keeps me up at night. I'm plagued by the thought that one of them might die and never know the truth. Or that I might die and take this terrible secret to the grave with me. Though even if I died, one day they would find out. There are certain…procedures…in place to ensure that they will know. I made sure of that before I signed up.
No. It would be far worse if one of them was taken from me. Taken before I could explain. Taken before I could apologise for hurting them. If they died without knowing my secret I think I might die too. They are the most important thing in the world to me and I don't know if I could stand to have my chance to explain torn away from me. If one of them died hating me, I could never change it. I could never fix it.
It's been nearly six years now since my first conversation with Dumbledore. He singled me out even before I finished school. At first I wanted to run from his room. I wanted to tell him that I could never do this, but even then I knew that it was important. Even then I knew I had to do it, even though I was scared, even though I knew that it would tear me and my loved ones apart.
That's why I'm here now. That's why I'm in this cold, small, impersonal apartment somewhere in London. That's why I no longer talk to my family, to the ones I love more than anything on Earth. That's why I'm doing my dull, repetitive and unsatisfying Ministry job. Because if I don't, everything I love and cherish, everything I hold dear, will be ripped away, destroyed and scattered to the winds.
I work for the Order now, though not even my parents know that. Only Dumbledore knows. I can't tell them. If I'm caught then I don't want anything to happen to them. I can't let anything link them to me. That's why I had to push them away. If anyone believes that I care for them then they could all be in danger. I've tried to keep them out of danger, but it's been difficult. I can't send them owls to openly warn them about what's going on, I can't meet with them. I can't even tell them what I'm up to. If Mum or Dad knew about me, they'd be in danger. They'd never be able to keep up the pretence that they hated me, or disowned me. That's why it's safer if they don't know. That's why I had to make them hate me. That's why I act the way I do.
Sometimes it's hard. Christmas is the worst. This year I probably won't even be invited. I can't join in with the fun and games. I just have to sit back and watch. I have to pretend to be annoyed. I have to pretend that I don't care when they send hurt looks and spiteful remarks my way. I have to pretend that I'm blinded by ambition, that nothing but my precious Ministry position means anything to me. I have to lie.
I hope that this ends soon. I hope the pain ends, I hope the division ends, I hope the war ends and I hope that they can take me back. It's ironic I suppose. I joined the Order to protect what I care most about, and to do that I have to hurt them and push them away. They can never know that I spy on the Ministry for Dumbledore. They can never know that I hate my job. They can never know that my only ambition is to keep my family safe. I can only let them see what the rest of the world sees – ambitious Percy Weasley, who leaves his friends and his family behind to pursue his all important career.