He Thought ... She Thought
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2. She Thought
"Good morning Lieutenant, it's our favourite time of day again." How can you be so frakking cheerful this early in the day? Gods, my head is pounding.
"Whoa, nice hair. What happened, you get laid?" She threw him a dirty look. Don't even start with me you ... you ...
"Nice eye. The old man get under your guard again?" Take that Lee - serves you right for hitting me where it hurts.
"I had him, then he flipped out. Threw this badass left hook. Still pretty mean." Wipe that smirk off your face buddy. "Anyway, let's go." He stuck out his hand to help her up. Frak you Lee, I'm not touching you. I don't need your help. She stretched and grabbed the ladder to pull herself up.
"Okay, it's like that ..." Don't sound so surprised - you're the one who hurt me last night. I'm just returning the favour.
" ... up all day with the rising sun ..." Shit. I am SO not in the mood for this.
"Don't ..." she said warningly as they began to jog.
"... gonna run all day till the running's done."
"Lee, shut up." Or I'm going to have to belt you, so help me. It should be a punishable offence to be so loud and cheerful around someone with a hangover. And a seriously hurting ego.
They ran three laps of the ship, exchanging good mornings with other crew members.
"Morning Starbuck, whaddaya hear?" It was a ritual with them now. Every morning at their first meeting, the old man started with that and she always responded the same way. "Nothing but the rain." They'd been doing it for years now and probably would till their dying day. Today she almost felt too weary to bother. Gods, I feel dirty, ashamed. What have I done? The refrain ran through her head over and over as they ran, until finally she couldn't stand it anymore.
"I'm done, I'm done, I'm done," she said wearily, sinking down into a seat in the hallway. Frak my knee hurts something fierce. Not as much as your pride, a voice in her ear whispered.
"What? Come on Starbuck, you've got a reputation to keep up. Come on, two more laps." He grabbed her arm but she held firm.
"I can't, I'm done." I can't do this anymore. "Besides, I've got to get ready for the jump test so ..." She could feel Lee's eyes on her, but she wouldn't look up to meet them. Couldn't. Because then he'd see - see everything I'm trying to hide, and he can't. He can't see how much I'm hurting.
Lee sat down beside her. "Look, are you okay? You don't ... you don't seem so good." Isn't that the understatement of the year? Congratulations, someone give the man a medal. He's not as blind as I've always suspected he was. Now if he would only have been paying attention last night ...
"Rough night," she admitted, unwilling to elaborate.
"So I see," he teased. "Anyone I uh ... I know?" Salt in an open wound. Her heart bled. He just didn't get it. All the hurt, shame and humiliation surged to the surface. I gotta get out of here. "Frak you." She got up and left, hoping the tears stinging her eyes would hold off till she got back to the bunkroom.
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The air was thick as she entered the room. It lightened somewhat with her appearance. Of course, I'm the life of the party - how could they possibly play without me? The trademark Starbuck smirk crossed her face at the thought.
"What, there's a card game and no one told me?" she drawled, unconsciously walking over to stand beside Lee. "Hey," she said to the table in general, then noticed Baltar sitting opposite Lee. "Gaius."
"How are you feeling?" She tore her eyes away from Baltar to look at Lee. She briefly touched his shoulder and smiled. "Good." Good, he wasn't upset about my pissy behaviour earlier. I just needed some time alone to get things under control.
"Mr. Vice President to you, if you don't mind Lieutenant Thrace." Well, someone's upset. "Some level of decorum has to be maintained after all, or is it a pirate ship you're running?" Frak, he really is upset. And crazy. Don't forget crazy.
"No, just a battlestar sir," she replied sarcastically. Their eyes locked and she could see the anger and hurt. Please don't, she begged silently. Please, don't say anything about last night.
"Would you like to play?" He's baiting me. "Maybe you'd like to sit next to Captain Adama?" You asshole! I know I screwed up last night - one of my biggest and best screw-ups to date, but couldn't we just keep it between the two of us? If Lee ever finds out ...
"Sure Kara, why don't you pull up a pew?" Lee invited. Kara stared daggers at Baltar, mentally cursing herself for being so stupid, and him for being such a jerk.
"No, it's okay Lee. I got things to do." Time to go - before I do something else I'll regret. One more glare at Baltar and Kara left the room, muttering under her breath, mostly praying Lee wouldn't figure out what happened. Of course he will Thrace, he's no idiot. And when he does, beware. Lee Adama is not an enemy you want to have. As long as he never finds out about me saying his name. He can never know how I feel about him.
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Kara heard footsteps come closer and stop behind her. The familiar feeling of his eyes boring holes in her back told her it was Lee before she even heard his voice.
"Going hunting?" Only if you're the prey.
"I'm adding a gunnery run to the jump test tomorrow, see if our boy here can shoot anything with our ammo."
"You ever wonder why everyone else calls it a 'she' but to you it's a 'he'?" Don't you dare try to analyze me Lee, you don't know a thing about me!
"That's fascinating Lee. You should write a paper." Time to make you feel uncomfortable.
"It's not really my scene. I'm not as smart as, say um ... Doctor Baltar." The warning flags went up in Kara's head. He knows. "How is the Vice-President by the way?" Frak, now he's baiting me. Gods, I wish I'd never ... but it's too late for that now.
"I don't know, I haven't seen him." She figured that might be a safe response. Hopefully Lee hadn't seen him or talked to him either.
"So, he's a love 'em and leave 'em kind of guy I guess."
"I guess," she said non-commitally. She shook her head, almost imperceptibly. Frak. He knows. There's no doubt now. Why can't he just stay the frak out of my business?
"Ships that just pass in the night."
"Yup." She walked past him, giving him her often-seen 'I wouldn't go there if I were you' glare. Most people heeded it. No one wanted to mess with Starbuck. Except Lee.
"Didn't mean a thing."
"Nope." What, you've never had meaningless sex before?
"Just bored, looking for something to do." He began to follow as she walked away. I don't like where this conversation is going ... "So frakking the Vice-President of the colonies just seemed like a great way to waste some time." Lee, Lee, is that jealousy I hear?
"You want something from me?" she said angrily.
"Not a thing," he spat. And that's exactly the problem Lee ... too little, too late.
" 'Cause I don't owe you anything."
"No you don't owe me anything. 'Cause I'm just a CAG and you're just a pilot." Ouch. I thought we were friends after all this time together. Guess not.
"Right."
"A pilot who can't keep her pants on!" he hissed angrily. Well ... you had your chance last night ... you made your bed and I'm not going to sleep in it.
"Right."
"Oh, it is just like old times Kara, like when you got drunk and you couldn't keep your hands off the Major from ..." You bastard! How dare you! How dare you bring that up! She whirled around and punched him in the mouth, not expecting him to return the favour. She groaned and held her cheek in her hand. Damn, he's strong. Suddenly her anger melted away and all she wanted was to leave. No more confrontations with Lee, they left her physically and emotionally battered. Enough already ...
She turned and walked away, but the Adama stubbornness she'd grown so used to kept him coming.
"Why did you do it Kara? Just tell me why." Gods, he sounds so desperate - like he really cares. Maybe, just maybe he feels ... NO, NO THRACE! DON'T EVEN GO THERE! You can never ... not with Lee. It just can't happen. He can't know.
" 'Cause I'm a screw up Lee. Try and keep that in mind." She walked away, praying he'd finally give up and leave her the frak alone. For the second time that day, she walked away from Lee Adama, heartbroken, with tears stinging her eyes.
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"Hey guys, take that out. I know the Chief said we need it, but I don't need it ..." Kara was suddenly aware of angry footsteps behind her. She knew it was Lee. The shit was bound to hit the fan - didn't expect it quite so soon though.
"Lieutenant Thrace, attention!" he ordered, obviously furious with her. Yeah ... whatever. She took a swig of her water. " Lieutenant Thrace, I gave you a command. You will obey. ATTENTION!" He grabbed her water bottle, and finally she turned to face him. When I'm ready flyboy, not before. "You DO NOT take your hare-brained ideas to the XO without going through ME first. Do you understand?" Their eyes locked and all Kara saw in his was anger. Anger and hurt. You think I betrayed you. Well guess what Lee, I was never yours. And you didn't really think I'd come talk to you after what you did to me earlier did you?
"At ease. So what's the plan?"
She described it in a few sentences. It really was very simple, but as she spoke, she could see something else cross his face. Admiration?
" ... picks up the transponder, allows the raider to approach, nuke goes off," Lee finished for her. He was no slouch - he'd obviously been with her as soon as she started explaining.
"Boom, sir."
"Might work. Might get you killed." She couldn't help but notice his emotions simmering so close to the surface.
"Would you miss me sir?" she asked sarcastically. Doubtful ... except then you'd have no one to abuse.
"I need every pilot I have," Lee said, in a moderately steady voice. She could hear his anger though, carefully being held at bay. "Even the screw-ups." Direct hit. The walls crumbled. Kara tried so hard to keep herself, her feelings locked behind a thick wall so no one could get through and hurt her. Lee was the only one who seemed to have figured it out. Damn you!
"Captain," she called, as he walked away. Lee turned to face her. She wasn't reassured by the expression on his face. He looked furious. "I'm really sorry." What she was sorry for, she wasn't quite sure. Breaking protocol, hitting him, allowing herself to be used by Baltar? No matter - she needed to say sorry for all of them.
Lee turned and walked away without a word. You bastard! I'm not sorry for anything I did! I don't need you. I don't want you in my life anymore. Get out Lee, and don't ever come back.
THE END
(or is it?)