Ruto

Link awoke the next day feeling sore (particularly in his crotch) and still rather ill, but he was determind to get revenge for the previous night's event. He got up before Daphness and Komali. In fact, he was the reason they woke up not long afterward.

"Get up, get up!" snarled Link, kicking both of them until they woke up.

"Dude, what's your problem...?" Komali yawned, looking at Link blearily.

"You better watch out, I have a gun in my pocket..." grumbled Daphness, glaring and sitting up.

"Well, that's good for you! If you're going to be such a Mr. Sourpuss, then don't come!" huffed Link.

"Er...'Mr. Sourpuss'?" Komali said, raising a brow.

Daphness stood up. He towered above Link.

"Oh, trust me, you'll be begging for my companionship for multiple reasons..."

"Oh? Good ahead and name 'em!" Link growled.

"For one, I'm the ONLY person Bambi's afraid of. You don't scare her (not that you scare anything, really...), Tetra doesen't scare her, no one does but ME! And second of all, you're REALLY gonna need me when you meet up with Ruto..."

"Why?" asked Link.

"You'll see..."

"Look, guys, let's just go and get this over with..." sighed Komali, heading off down the mountain. Link and Daphness did too, although not before shooting glares at eachother.

This feels a lot like old times... And that really isn't exactly a good thing... Link thought darkly, absentmindedly fingering his Wind Waker.

But was my old adventure smoother and safer than this one? I don't know what to think... I mean, the last quest was pretty bad...Ganondorf listened to Spice Girls, and that's probably the most UNCOOL thing a person can do. I don't think Bambi listens to Spice Girls...or...does she? But she totally fucked me. AND she poked me on the forhead a whole bunch of times, and that's really annoying... Although getting laid is never SO bad, no matter who does you. Ganondorf never made love to me. I wonder what that would feel like? I wonder if he's ever gotten laid? I wonder if he's ever thought about having sex with me? I bet if I were him, I would try to imagine what it would be like to have sex with me. I think that if I were Ganondorf, I think that having sex with me would be a lot of fun. I wonder why Ganondorf never tried to have sex with me. I mean, I always thought he was kinda gay... Or maybe he's just twice as stupid as I thought he was. ...That could be it. But I'm not gay. But I have sex with men. Does that make me gay? I think I prefer women... I mean, I'm dating Tetra. But now she's Bambi's whore or whatever... I don't think that's really good for a relationship. I wonder if Bambi has sex with Tetra? She kinda said she did back in the Forest Temple...or was she joking? I wonder if Tetra sleeps with her willingly? I hope they fuck eachother. That would be hot. But I'm not around to see it. Maybe I can try picturing it... Link thought. So he did.

"Link, is there some business you need to, erm...take care of? There's a boulder over there, maybe you can go behind it and get rid of that thing. I've been looking at it for the past few minutes, and I'm getting a little sick of it..." admitted Komali, nodding at Link's erection.

Link snapped back to reality.

"What? Oh..." He looked down at his pants. "Well, I guess I could -- wait, what were you doing looking at it?"

"...Nothing," Komali said blankly.

"Were you looking at it too?" Link demanded, rounding on Daphness and pointing at his boner.

"I noticed it, but I didn't look at it. I was hoping it would just go away..." Daphness said quietly.

Awkward silence followed, but it grew more natural as time progressed.

Finally, Komali said, "Umm...king? Last night, you said you would explain some things to us about what had happened last night..."

"Ah, yes, that..."

"Well, start explaining!" snapped Link.

"Do you know why she fucked you, Link?" Daphness asked.

"No, I figured it was just because she felt like it..."

"Didn't she seem to behaving oddly?"

"Yeah, I guess she did... She seemed serious and edgy..." Link said thoughtfully.

"She did it because she was upset. She was nervous because she could sense my presence somewhere; I could sense her, too. She's scared, and now that I'm here, she is clueless as to what she's going to do with you. She's not sure if she should kill you or keep you alive... The best thing she could think of to do was have sex with you."

"That doesen't make a whole lot of sense," stated Komali.

"Why's she scared of you? Is it 'cause you're fat?" Link asked.

Daphness glowered at him steadily for a moment before saying, "No, not because I'm fat...it's because she's keeping some large secret, and seems to think that I might figure it out and somehow use it against her. I did try to figure it out by reading her mind, and I saw strange things, but nothing that I believe is useful in defeating her."

"You can read minds?" Link gasped.

Komali sighed.

"That's not the important question! The real question is, what did you see?"

"Yes, I have been reading a book about mind reading. It's come in handy. And as for what I saw...well...it was very clear, but Bambi should feel lucky that I couldn't tell what it all meant."

"What did you see?" Komali asked excitedly.

"I saw a princess, also named Zelda...she was a member of my bloodline hundreds of years ago... I saw a collapsing castle...and...the Four Sword..." answered Daphness solemnly.

"The...er...what?" Link uttered stupidly.

"Have you not heard of the tales of the Four Sword?" Daphness questioned.

"Isn't that the story about those kids that buy that pony on that one island?" Link asked.

"What -- " Daphness started, but was cut off by Komali.

"Oh, yeah, I read that one! And there was that guy named Paul, and he sister, Maurine, right? Well, wasn't it sooo cool that they trained that pony?"

"Yeah, that was awesome!"

"YOU IDIOTS, THAT'S MISTY OF CHINCOTEAGUE, NOT THE LEGEND OF THE FOUR SWORD!" yelled Daphness. This silenced the boys.

"..I really liked that pony, I thought she was -- " Link was cut off by the king, who shouted, "SHUT UP!"

"Now, I shall tell you the legend of the Four Sword..." growled Daphness, sending dangerous glares at Link and Komali.

"Hundreds of years ago, a sorcerer named Vaati terrorized the lands, and kidnapped hot chicks. Everyone thought there was no hope left, when suddenly, a young boy appeared, wielding a single sword. It split him into four, and together, the four-who-were-one vanquished Vaati, and sealed him in the sword. That blade was dubbed the Four Sword, and was enshrined.

However, hundreds of years after that, the seal upon Vaati weakened. A new hero came about, one who was quite foolish... Distracted by other evils related to Vaati, he pulled the sword and freed him. The boy split into four, and resealed Vaati. Things have been silent about it since then."

"That's it?" asked Komali. "That was bo --"

"But allow me," said Daphness, "to also explain the beggining of the Four Sword and Vaati..."

"Fuck," Link murmured, crossing his arms and walking a little faster.

"Hundreds of years before the said hundreds of years, terror struck the very VERY ancient Hyrule. As in the future, the people lost hope. Then suddenly, a race of itsy bitsy people known as the Picori descended upon the land, and brought the hero of men a sword and a golden light. The hero banished the evil, and the blade was named the Picori Blade.

Then MORE HUNDREDS of years later, there lived a Picori named Vaati. He was the apprentice of a wise Picori man named Ezlo, who created a maaaagical hat. Vaati took the magical hat to become a sorcerer and turn Ezlo into a hat. Vaati escaped to Hyrule, and turned the Princess Zelda at the time into stone, and broke the Picori Blade. Another hero went to get the sword reforged, save Princess Zelda, and kill Vaati's butch ass. He came across Ezlo, and with his guidance, they got the Picori Blade turned into the Four Sword...and that's how it all happened."

"It's over, right?" Komali asked.

"Yes. Yes, it is."

"Good," breathed Link.

"The Zelda I saw in Bambi's mind... It was the Zelda from the era of the Four Sword's creation, the very princess that was turned to stone. Of course, there's much detail that I left out about those stories, maybe I should tell you --"

"NO!" Link and Komali said in unison.

"Fine, be that way!" snorted Daphness.

Thoughtful silence followed for a while, until the king leaned over to Link and whispered, "You know, since I can read minds, I know why you got that boner... And let me just say, I am deeply ashamed of you for thinking so raunchily." He shook his head.

Link shifted uncomfortably.

Oh, goddesses...can he see what I'm thinking at this very moment? he thought.

Yes, I can... said a spooky voice in Link's head.

Crap! Link thought.

Daphness, Komali, and Link stood in the doorway of Zora's Domain.

"This is Zora's Domain?" asked Komali, gaping at the beauty of the watery cavern.

"DUH," snorted the king. "Now, let's go find Ruto..." They started walking.

"Is Ruto, umm...weird or anything?" Link asked in somewhat wary tones.

"Uuummm..." But before Daphness could answer, they entered the Zora throne room, where a Zora woman with huge knockers sat with a pocket knife.

"And THIS is for Link!" she said angrily, cutting herself with the knife. "And THIS is for Link!" She did it again. "And THIS is for all the little furry animals that have died in forest fires!" Again.

"AND THIS IS FOR LINK!" she shrieked, leaving a deeper cut near the others.

Link stood there, gaping. Komali was no different.

"Um...Ruto?" offered Daphness.

Ruto turned sharply to him. It appeared as if her eyes went in different directions, giving her an insane and/or severely mentally retarted look. Link thought he saw one of her eyes twitch, too...

"What?" she snapped, her eyes looking even further away from eachother.

"It's me...Daphness Nohansen Hyrule...do you, er...remember me?"

Ruto's voice turned very airy...a little TOO airy...

She grinned lopsidedly.

"Ah, yes, my king...my LORD..."

"Yes, that's very, uh...dandy, and all...well, look, we need your assistance. We need you to help us get the Water Medallion," said the king, ignoring Link's mouthed words of, "No, no, no!"

Ruto turned her head to Link and Komali, who backed up slightly.

"This one..." said Ruto blankly, pointing at Link. "What is his name?"

"M-my name is Li --"

"UH, HIS NAME IS LARS!" Daphness said quickly, putting a hand over Link's mouth.

Ruto approached Link slowly.

"Lars...you look very much like someone I know..." she said in that scary, airy voice. She used the pocket knife to make a cut on Link's cheek.

"You are a very pretty boy..." she said.

Link, his eyes bulging, looked at Daphness, who ignored him, looking blank.

"Um...my name is Komali..." offered Komali weakly.

"SHUT UP, BOY!" snarled Ruto, turning to Komali and pointing the knife at him. He stumbled backward in haste.

Regaining the sickly sweet vocie, she gave Daphness her weird grin, and asked, "How may I assist you?"

"Take us to the temple, and go through it with us. Help us slay the monster that slumbers there, if you can. We need the medallion to assist in the destruction of a great evil."

"Why, of course..." said Ruto, looking at Link darkly.