Chapter 11

February 17

Dear Sirius,

Ginny told me today that she's going to that group thing. Hermione and Ron both said they want to talk to me, so I made plans with them for this afternoon. It's time to go to class; everyone's leaving. I probably should go, but I have so much work to catch up on so I'm going to stay here and try to do some of it. I know there's a lot, but I'll at least get some of it done…

I just looked at the workload and Merlin, I've got a lot to do! Maybe a smoke would help... what am I thinking? Of course it would; it always does. I guess I'll start with Defense homework; I always was good at that.

Hedwig just flew in and dropped a letter on my desk- it's from Danielle! How did she get Hedwig to deliver a letter… never mind. It says:

Harry,

Miss you. Wanna hang out tonight? Danielle.

I really want to talk to Danielle again—it's been a while. But I'm meeting Ron and Hermione tonight…

Danielle,

Sorry, I'm meeting my friends. Maybe another time.

Hopefully she understands. I'm not about to bail on my friends again. I'm above that.

Sirius,

So I just met with Ron and Hermione, (its ten o'clock now) in the Three Broomsticks. It was amazing—almost like old times. I miss those times. What happened to those days, Sirius? Where did they go? What changed?

I can see why Hermione and Ron make such a great couple. They're so great together. I wonder what I didn't notice before…

Ginny came back from that ridiculous support thing, and for some reason feels the need to tell me all about it. I told her to go to bed like a good girl. She scowled, but went.

Damn! I just remembered I have to send in my application thing to become an Auror (Hermione, as I suspected, sent hers in ages ago. What did I tell you?). Oh, well… they can wait… I'll always have a spot at the Ministry as an Auror… I am, after all, Harry Potter. I suppose I'll send it in tomorrow. Remind me, would you?

What the hell am I doing! I'm talking to a piece of paper. Dammit, I think I'm losing it! God… you're dead, Sirius, and you're never coming back! Why can't I accept that? What is wrong with me?

Are smoking and drinking worse for you if you do it at the same time? Oh well, I'm relaxed—its all good.

I'm talking to a piece of parchment. What is Dumbledore trying to do? Maybe he has gone off his rocker. Is he trying to make me acquire another addiction?

Another. I said "another addiction." Why did I do that? Blast! Here I am talking to an inanimate object again. Maybe I'm too drunk.

I just admitted I had an addiction and that I was drunk. Oh Merlin. My hand's wobbling all over the place as I write this.

Dammit, Sirius! I don't care if you're dead and I don't care if you're never going to see this and I'm never going to see you. I need my godfather here with me now. I need someone to talk to. I need some guidance.

Maybe I'll just talk to Danielle… tomorrow. If I'm not too hung-over to talk.

I miss you, Sirius. I've been masking it for the longest time with all sorts of things, but I need you. You were my father, my brother. I need you here and I need you now. Why is everything in my life so wrong? I don't have you. I hadn't talked to Ron and Hermione in so long, and spending time with them today was so familiarly foreign. You know? I miss being with them so much; I realized that today. But I just haven't been with them in so long… I've adopted this new lifestyle. I remembered being with them all the time a long time ago, and yet being with them is so foreign because I haven't done it in so long. So many things have changed, Sirius, and yet almost nothing has. Why am I doing this, Sirius?

I suppose I could talk to Danielle about it… but honestly, what help has she been, ever? All she's done is listen to me prattle on… she's never comforted me or offered advice. Is she really all that great?

A million colors and thoughts and feelings and echoes are swirling about in my head. Maybe I'll think about this tomorrow, when they've subsided.

Harry

A/N: I have a feeling you guys are going to like at least parts of this one… I'm gonna work really hard on updating this one too.

I'm short on time, so short review responses. Sorry!

(Oh yeah… and on another site I post on, I was voted Miss Fan Fiction out of all the other contestants! I also got 2 first places and 2 second places. Aren't you proud?)

More feedback/reviews this time please.

OutofAzkaban

potts-I already replied to yours and I'm short on time. Thanks for reviewing!

ghst.sama-I answered yours too already and shame on you for catching that! LOL actually, kudos.

nwsbysboomerang- Thanks so much! It makes me feel special. (I love the newsboys!)

IamSiriusgrl- She's Danielle now. J