Disclaimer: I do not own Shaman King

CHAPTER TWO – Feelings Changed, Feelings Gained

"Horo... you came." he said, his voice lacking its usual sternness.

"Of course I did... Why wouldn't I?" he sat in the bedside chair.

"Well, you stopped visiting me a few weeks ago... I thought you'd forgotten me." the Chinese said quietly.

"You...You heard me!" he gasped.

"Yes..." he answered.

"I'm so sorry, Ren. I should have listened to you. I should have tried to help you. I should have done something. It should have been me." he said quickly, his hands clenching in his lap. Ren struggled a bit but managed to move his left hand to Horo Horo, gripping the fists tightly until he relaxed his hands.

"No. Don't worry yourself over the should haves or could haves. Just enjoy life like a precious gift..." his voice faded as his thoughts occupied him.

"Ren?" he asked, eyes searching his face.

"Sorry... What's today?" he asked, attempting to put energy into his words.

"It's January first, 3:00 in the morning. Talk about a wake-up call." he spouted off.

"January first... my birthday..." he mumbled, slowly regaining his normal fierce tone of voice, his eyes narrowing into their usual cat-like state.

"Hey, you're right, it is your birthday! What a weird coincidence! I'll get you a present." Horo said decisively.

"No. I don't want anything." the Chinese shaman said quickly.

"Nonsense! I have to get you something!" the older shaman began but he was cut off.

"No. I don't want a birthday." Ren growled icily. They were silent for a few moments before a nurse came in with Pirika in tow.

"Ren, you're awake! I honestly thought you were going to die here in a coma!" she screeched, running over and hugging him quickly.

"Whatever. When do I leave?" he addressed the nurse who was rushing around the room attending her duties.

"Let's see, you should be fine to leave by tomorrow. The doctor hasn't found anything that would prevent it." she answered him, glancing sympathetically at his immobile arm and legs. He threw her a glare and she averted her eyes in an instant.

"I'm tired." Ren stated, and they all made their way out after saying goodbye.

The remainder of the night, he lay in bed, staring at the ceiling uncaringly, his thoughts consuming him. 'So this is how it feels... Unable to move, unable to think coherently for lengthened periods of time... To be different... My father would kill me... My mother would hate me... My friends would feel sorry for me... Hell, they probably already announced I'm dead... As I go about my daily business, I'll receive stares until they think I notice... The only one who cares is that stupid Horo Horo... No, I'm kidding myself... I noticed the way he looked at me... He wanted to get me something to keep my mind off it... They all thought that my only talent was in my shamanic abilities and physical strength... They think I'm useless... I've become a monster..."

His thoughts continued along the lines of self-loathing and after a while he realized that for the first time in nearly eleven years, he was crying. Tears streamed silently down his face, across his cheeks to settle onto the pillow beneath, and he found that he didn't care. He no longer cared and it made him hate himself even more. He allowed the crystalline drops to make prominent tracks on his cheeks, and for the first time in his entire life, cried himself to sleep.

The next morning, he woke to hear the unmistakable voices of the Usui siblings. He remained silent and kept his eyes closed, listening. "Horo, you aren't going to invite him to stay with us, are you?" Pirika asked.

"Pirika, don't be mean, of course I'm inviting him. He's welcome to stay as long as he likes. Ren needs friends right now. He's always relied on his physical strength and he needs moral support. We have to be his strong anchor to keep him going." Horo Horo scolded her.

"I know we should, but do we have to? He's so mean... He's a selfish, boasting, arrogant, smug jerk with no appreciation whatsoever! He still hasn't thanked you after all you've done for him!" she said loudly.

"Shh, don't wake him!" Horo hissed at her.

Over in his bed, Ren's suspicions were confirmed. 'They hate me... I'm cruel, arrogant, selfish... I'm a burden... They still don't know... Oh, Horokeu, you idiot, why don't you remember...' He allowed his eyes to flash open, and stared unseeing at the ceiling.

"Ren!" the ice shaman exclaimed merrily, flashing a winning smile. Ren continued his inspection of the other side of the wall as though he couldn't see it, and were looking at the clear blue sky beyond.

His thoughts were troubled. 'Look at that smile on your face... That utterly cute smile... Aimed at me... Yet oh so fake... You don't realize, do you...? I know what you think behind that smile... Do you always do this...? Do you always wear that smile, to mask your true thoughts...? You don't know how hard I fell for you, do you...? Have you been toying with my mind...? Playing games with me...? Is everything I thought was real and good in this world a lie...?' His eyes slipped shut and slowly opened again.

"Ren?" he seemed concerned, now.

"...Have you ever wondered how something that seemed so pure could be tainted? You see it, you try to ignore it, like overlooking it will make it vanish, and then one day you find that you can deny it no longer..." the Chinese said, more to himself than to his companion.

"Uhh... not really... You can come home today, though! Isn't it great!" he jumped home...?" he echoed.

"Yeah!" his friend replied.

"...No, Usui... I have no home... I'm a homeless orphan, and I'm not going to stay at your house..." he shut his eyes to block out the pain of the words he was saying.

"But, Ren, how will you make it on your own?" Horo Horo whispered. Sharp, golden eyes snapped open.

"Are you implying that I am at a disadvantage! That I am unable to survive because of my new inabilities! I can't believe I did what I did..." the owner of the eyes snapped, disgusted, and then immediately squeezed his eyes shut in remorse when he saw the older boy cringe.

"W-What do you mean? What did you do?" he asked shakily, almost afraid of the answer.

"Nothing, Usui. If you don't remember it, then you don't..." he sighed but in his thoughts he finished what he was saying. 'At least I made you happy...'

As Ren left, Horo's mind whirled. 'What does he mean...? Remember...? Why do I feel like I've lost my reason to live, and it's wheeling out of this hospital with him...? What's happening to me…? Could this be…love?'