Chapter 15
March 3
Going to class again was… weird. Really weird. I saw a ton of people I hadn't seen in a long while… and they looked surprised to see me. So were the teachers. Remus pulled me aside after class—he was the only one that did, though I could tell most of the other teachers wanted to—and asked if I was okay, and how my job-hunting was going, and said that if I ever needed to talk, he was there. I guess he's the only Marauder I have left. It's an odd thought, and a weird feeling.
I also talked to Ginny again… another weird feeling. She blushed and fidgeted a lot, and never looked me directly in the eye… well, I think she actually did once. I don't want things to be weird between us; after all, she's my best friend's little sister.
Best friend… it's so great to be using that term again with confidence… at least more confidence than I used to have. I haven't had a person to depend on ever since I lost you, Sirius.
Damn! Why can't I stop? I know he's dead. I know it. This "letter" isn't even addressed to him; I made sure of that, especially after my mishap with the last one. I've accepted he's dead; why can't I move on?
I haven't talked to Danielle in a while. I've sent her a couple letters but Hedwig always brought them back. She hasn't sent me a letter or stopped by at all. Come to think of it, I kept her letters where I keep yours—I mean these—and I went to look for them. I can't find any of them. It's like they disappeared.
After Defense Against the Dark Arts yesterday, Lupin asked to see me after class. He told me congratulations. I got an A—NE.W.T. level—on an essay about jinxes. I hadn't been turning them in since the beginning of the year. He also asked how things were going. I asked him "Don't you know?" He shook his head. I said "Letters. Sirius." He still looked confused. I was surprised—I thought he would've found out, or Dumbledore would've told him. "Dumbledore didn't tell you about my letters?" Apparently not, so I continued. "Dumbledore told me to write letters to Sirius, and that's what I've been doing."
"I see," Lupin said. We said nothing for a few minutes. Then he said, "Harry, I haven't talked to you in a really long time. Even you must admit that. I know you're still torn over Sirius. I am too; we were best friends. I heard through the grapevine that smoking and drinking have become a larger part of your life. Now I want to talk, Harry. I think you owe me that."
"I don't owe you anything," I had snapped. "Sirius was the only father I ever had, my brother. We were going to take care of each other. I was going to live with him! He was the only one who understood what I was going through in fifth year! And then he left! He left! Why did he have to go!" I screamed.
Lupin only looked at me. He handed me a handkerchief. "Here," he said. I wasn't aware I was crying. Me… I must be weak.
I took it hastily and wiped my eyes and cheeks. "Sorry," I mumbled. "I didn't mean to get angry at you. It's just… Sirius is gone. I'm failing classes, I think I'm feeling something for someone I don't want to feel like this for, one of my friends is somehow avoiding me… it's just all mixed up."
Lupin looked at me sympathetically. "Tell me about it. Really."
I did. Well, about some of it, anyway. I told him about how I'm failing classes because I didn't show up to class or turn anything in for so long. I told him about the feelings without mentioning any names. I didn't tell him about (here he scribbled over something which looked surprisingly like 'you') Sirius, or about Danielle. I was afraid he might think I'm touched in the head, or something.
Then he said, "How about I make life a little easier for you? I'll give you some extra credit to do so you can catch up most of the way, and if you put forth the effort I think you could do remarkably well in this class. Well enough to get the Defense credits to become an Auror, I daresay. Given your history… well, it should work. I know this is N.E.W.T. year and all, but… I know what you're going through. I loved Sirius, too.
I smiled at him. "Thanks. And listen, I didn't mean to blow up at you. It's not your fault. None of it is. In fact, you're helping me. Thank you so much, Professor Lupin." Tears were fresh in my eyes again.
"Remus," he said, smiling. "When we're not in class."
It felt really good to talk to him. Good in a different way than I feel when I'm drinking. When I drink, I feel light-headed, like I haven't a care in the world, like I slip away from the world. When I talk to Remus—or anyone, just talk—I'm still totally in reality, but rather than something leaving my head, it's as if something is gone from my chest. I think I prefer talking in most cases.
"Now it's your turn to talk," I had said. He smiled and began telling me of what was going on in the Order, the stuff I was allowed to know, anyway. He said they know where Voldemort is, and that they were doing a lot better now that the Ministry—or at least Cornelius Fudge and most of the Ministry—is on our side. Most of the ones who didn't believe us are now convinced after a year, but some of the other Death Eaters and Voldemort-supporters are still trying to win Fudge over. He said it was odd that nothing had happened last year, but… and then he cut himself off.
I asked him if I was still being followed. He told me not to worry. He said as long as Dumbledore's here, I would be okay. But how many times has someone said that, and then something happened?
I really miss Sirius. There, I did it! I'll just treat these like a diary. I don't know why Dumbledore didn't think of that in the first place. Making me write letters to Sirius seems like he's making me more attached to him.
I still have the mirror Sirius gave me. It's in my trunk, buried deep at the bottom. I haven't used it since the time I tried in fifth year to call him back. I think I'll try again, just for the hell of it. When will I learn? I should've left it alone. It just misted over. Not like I expected anything to happen… did I? Well, I thought that maybe… maybe he would agree to come back somehow. Just for a visit, now that I'm getting better…
What is wrong with me? Like Sirius would come back. Like he could. I must be insane, absolutely insane, to think a dead man could come back to life. Even for a moment. Even if it was just to encourage me to do better in classes. Even if it was to make a crack about Kreacher. Even if it was to describe what going to school with my parents was like. Even if it was to stay for only a minute, to tell me what I should do about my relationship with Ron and Hermione. With Ginny.
I mean seriously, what is wrong with me? I can't fancy Ginny, and I don't think I do. But there's just something about her, the way she laughs, or how funny she is when she's annoyed, or the way she's concerned about me when I drink. And about herself and her drinking habits. I mean, if I really want to get to the nitty gritty, I never took charge of my drinking like that. I don't even think I wanted to. It made me feel good inside—light, and made me forget, at least until I woke up, that the closest thing I had to a father, the man who fought a werewolf for me, who told me to keep my nose clean, who risked being seen and caught and put back in Azkaban or executed just so he could see me through a fireplace, was gone. Forget that I still addressed him, though he was dead. Forget that I was failing miserably in my last year at Hogwarts. Forget that I never even speak to Dumbledore anymore.
And Ginny… she's Ron's little sister. There's no way anything between us could ever happen… wait, what am I thinking? How could I even consider something between me and Ginny? Merlin, I've got to get off this topic. It's making me nauseous.
No such luck. God, why does everything happen to me? Ginny just came in breathlessly. Since I'm in the Common Room, supposed to be studying, there's no privacy. "Hey, Harry," she said. She sat in my favorite armchair, put her chin in her hands and sighed, staring at the fire.
"What is it?" I asked.
After a long time, she asked, "Do you think I'm pretty?"
"Wha—wha—?" I gasped, completely taken aback. "Ginny, I don't think I'm the right person to—"
"Harry, I won't take it as anything, I promise. I just need to know something; it's not about you, you're just the only one around. Just answer the question."
"Well, I suppose you're… well, I mean… yeah, you're attractive… to someone else, I mean…" I rambled unconvincingly.
"Great," she muttered, turning her attention again to the fire. Blowing air through her lips like a horse, she returned to her stony silence.
"Most girls would be happy to hear that…" I said, confused.
"Well, I guess I'm just not most girls," she snapped, a sarcastic air to her voice.
"Gin?" I asked cautiously. "Something happen today?"
She sighed, as if she had given up on being irritable. "Broke up. Again. Apparently, he wanted to go places he wasn't going with me." I felt a surge of sympathy for her.
"Who?"
She waved it away. "Some Hufflepuff. Doesn't matter. Merlin, Harry, am I a slut?"
"No, of course not."
"It's just that I've been looking," she continued, "for someone. I haven't found him yet… you know, significant other, soul mate, that sort of thing. It seems like everyone I date just likes me for my looks, or my… something; someone once even dated me because I had a connection with Fred and George and they wanted me to get them free joke stuff."
I winced. "I'm sorry," I said sincerely.
"Yeah, well," she sighed.
"Gin?" I asked. "Want to go flying tonight? Around eleven… well, might make you feel better. Always helps me."
"Don't you have homework to catch up on?" she asked.
"All done," I lied.
Ginny smiled. "Thanks, Harry."
I smiled back. What have I done? My stomach is flip-flopping all over the place… it's not because I'm excited about getting on my Firebolt at midnight
I headed out to the pitch before Ginny did. What the hell am I doing? I thought. God, I must be an idiot. What was I doing, meeting Ginny Weasley outside, at dark, alone? I must be crazy. What if she does something? What if she can't control herself?
But, in case that flip-flop sensation in my stomach was real… maybe I was worried I might do something.
I conjured up a tall glass of firewhisky and began gulping about half of it. I was taking another gulp when Ginny showed up, carrying her Cleansweep.
"Harry!" She came running over. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Just clearing my head a bit." I lifted my glass. "Want some?"
"Damn right you're clearing your head," she said angrily, grabbing my glass and throwing it on the ground. It smashed. "Harry, what the hell do you think you're doing, drinking before you fly?"
"Well, it does help me relax—"
"Relax nothing! You especially should know by now what alcohol does to your brain! And offering me some—you know what I'm going through. Are you completely insensitive?"
I stared at her. "Sorry, Gin, I just—"
"Please don't call me that," she said quietly. "Gin," she said pointedly.
"Right," I said. "Sorry. Let's go," I said, mounting my broom.
"No, you don't!" Ginny said. "You're riding on mine. I don't care what you say; I'm not letting you ride by yourself after alcohol has meddled with your brain!"
I finally consented and mounted her broom behind her. We took off into the sky. She's a brilliant flier, just brilliant. We went straight down and pulled up just before it was too late, sideways, diagonally, so high that we froze together… it was awesome.
We walked back to GryffindorTower at about one. We talked and laughed the entire way. She didn't mention my drinking.
It's late. Goodnight.
Harry
A/N: Reviews, please!
Oh yes, and this is pre-HBP, so for those of you who have read HBP already (including myself) just ignore the new… characters and things that happen, ok?
IamSiriusgrl- Was this long enough? You can't bring a dead man back to life!
noisylilbrat- Me too, but it's not nearly over yet.
ghst.sama- He won't be a sissy, I promise. He's in the healing process here.
mie-chica07- I'll take that as a compliment, because I've heard of the book but not read it. I will sometime. Thank you!
roxygurl25- Well, this one took me a bit longer.