Chapter 17

March 14

I developed the picture of Danielle and me in the potion. It's a little spooky. More than a little, actually. She picture showed me, smiling and waving… and a big empty space next to me.

I asked Ginny what she thought this meant.

"Well," she said slowly, "vampires don't show up on film… did she object to having her picture taken?"

"No," I said, thinking back. "She didn't really care."

"Then I don't think she's a vampire. She would have really been against someone taking her picture."

The thought of Danielle being a vampire seemed ridiculous, but when I thought about it, it wasn't so impossible. I knew they existed, and just because I had never met one personally didn't mean Danielle couldn't be one. And then I remembered she had shown up in the daytime.

I went to visit Hagrid the next day. He seemed really surprised to see me and kind of hesitant. I don't really blame him; I haven't been to see him in a while.

"'arry?" he asked. "Is some'in' wrong?"

"Not really," I said. "Good to see you, Hagrid." I smiled.

"'arry!" he said, convinced. He wrapped his huge arms around me and gave me a bone-crushing hug. "Good ter 'ave you back."

"Sorry I haven't been along lately, Hagrid," I said sincerely. Now that I'd seen him, I realized how much I missed him. "I've been going through some stuff. I'm sure you've heard rumors."

"Well… 'ermione an' Ron have tol' me a bi'," he said sheepishly. "But enough. What's been goin' on, then?"

"I have a question. Does anybody except vampires not show up on film?"

"Well… thestrals," Hagrid said. "And ghosts, I think… not sure 'bou' that one… why?"

"Well, I took a picture of someone, and they didn't show up, and I'm wondering why."

"I'm afraid tha's all the help I can give yeh, 'arry," said Hagrid. "Would yeh like a cup o' dandelion juice?"

"Sorry, I can't really stay," I said. "I'll come later, though."

"An' more of'en?"

I smiled. "Yeah. More often."

I went looking for Hermione and Ron, thinking they might know something, but I couldn't find them anywhere. Danielle's not a thestral, obviously, and I didn't think she was a ghost; she held a bottle of firewhisky.

When I couldn't find Hermione or Ron, I decided—after a great deal of thinking—to pay a visit to Dumbledore. Danielle's mysterious identity was driving me insane, tearing at the edges of my mind.

I surprised even myself walking to Dumbledore's office. I hadn't seen him, outside of the Great Hall, in a year. Maybe more. I knocked on his door timidly. The door opened slowly, and Dumbledore was sitting at his desk, looking mildly surprised.

"Hello, Harry," he said pleasantly. "I don't believe we've spoken in a great while."

"I know. I'm sorry." I seemed to be saying that a lot that day.

"You need not apologize," he said. "What brings you to my office?"

"Well, I had a question, Professor. What doesn't show up on film besides a vampire, thestral or ghost? Or is there maybe a spell, or a potion, or something?"

"Ah." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "Miss Danielle, am I right?"

I did a double take. "H-how did you… have you been reading my letters!"

"Of course not, Harry," said Dumbledore calmly. "I would never aim to lose your respect and confidence and degrade myself that way."

"Then how—?"

"There are other ways," he said simply. "And I think you have experienced quite enough with Danielle, so I shall tell you her secret. Danielle is you, Harry. Or, more appropriately, a side of you."

"What!"

"Please allow me to finish. You are wondering, perhaps, why no one else has seen Danielle? It is because she is not material. She is something your mind has conjured because you needed someone to understand, now that Sirius was dead."

"That's… that's crazy!" I exclaimed.

"Is it, Harry?" Dumbledore asked. "Do you recall something she might have said?" I remembered when she had told me about her past and her family, and I told Dumbledore.

"Ah yes. She would never have revealed to you outright who she was unless you confronted her directly about it. In that sense, confronted yourself. She is here to remind you of your past, your immediate past. The part of your past which includes the loss of Sirius. As you began coming out of your old habits and your solitude, the old part of you came back, tempting you. That's what 'Danielle' was trying to do."

"B-but—" I was speechless.

"Danielle is a part of your mind; she is a part of you. Only you can get rid of her."

I was dumbstruck. This was a bomb that had been dropped on me. I was thinking about it, over and over, Dumbledore's words echoing in my head: Only you can get rid of her.

But did I want to get rid of her? She's been there for me through everything I went through. She said she was all I needed. She always came through with a firewhisky or mead whenever I needed it…

But isn't she me? So didn't I give myself the drinks and listen to myself? This is so confusing. I have no idea what to do. What happens if I get rid of a part of myself? How do I do that? And how does Dumbledore know about Danielle? My brain aches now.

It feels weird knowing that the girl who was there for me during Sirius' death was—is—actually me. How do I undo this?

I'm tired of thinking of this. Ginny's birthday party passed, and what a disaster. It started out fine—a group of us in the Common Room, balloons and banners and constantly-falling confetti. Nick said he would jump out at Ginny when she walked in, and he did and it scared her like no other. We all laughed and began eating the cake Dobby had made. It was huge. Then we started the presents, and that's when things started falling apart.

I hadn't gotten Ginny a gift because I still hadn't thought of something to get her. I told her I'd give her my present later because it was special, and she smiled and said okay. I felt really guilty lying to her.

The party went really well—noise, music, laughter, Fred's and George's influence… we talked about Quidditch, exams, N.E.W.T.s, and what we're doing after we graduate. I noticed something new about Hermione… maybe it's been there all along, maybe it's recent; I wouldn't know. When she was with Ron, even just standing by him, she seemed to glow. It made me feel really good to see them both so happy, after so long.

Ron pulled out the bottle of firewhisky and Hermione conjured a dozen glasses. Ron only poured a little into each glass and passed them around. I took mine and downed it; no one noticed. I thought of Danielle. Hermione refused the glass when Ron handed it to her.

"Ron!" she exclaimed. "The Head Girl can't drink!"

"Come on," Ron said. "Just one." Hermione shook her head. "Come on, Hermione, live a little."

She eventually gave way and accepted it. She winced as she sipped it, gasping, "How do you people drink this stuff?" We all laughed.

Between the group of us, we finished the bottle with less than two glasses each. I conjured another bottle when no one was looking, having been enticed by my two glasses, and went to my own little corner of the Common Room to drink it. I didn't like the turn of the conversation, and some people were drunk by now and I didn't like being around drunks. I drank by myself, thinking of Danielle, what I was going to do, and how Dumbledore knew about her if he didn't read my letters.

Ginny came over after about ten or fifteen minutes; I couldn't really keep track of the time. I was pretty much done with my second bottle by then. She was holding a glass of gillywater and smiled.

"Hey," she said, "why aren't you joining the party?" I shrugged. "You know, it is my birthday. Come on."

I smiled. "I am celebrating," I said, and kissed her. I think she tasted all the alcohol on my breath, because she pulled back.

"Harry, how much did you drink?"

I shrugged and then held up two fingers.

"Two bottles? Harry, you know I don't like it when you drink." Her words bounced off me. I only had one thing on my mind: Danielle. I told her what had happened at Dumbledore's office. Her expression didn't change.

"I know," she said.

"Wh—How?"

"I told him about 'Danielle.' Or asked him, rather. Everything about her sounded weird, and I was curious. He told me the truth."

"You… you told him?" I slurred. She was good at masking her feelings; she didn't look guilty at all, almost like she had nothing to feel guilty of. She nodded. "How… how dare you! What are you, sheven, running to Dumb-Dumble-dore? God, Ginny, thoshe were my business!" I said, enraged.

"Harry, I was worried!" Ginny protested. "You were talking about someone no one else saw or knew of. All the time," she muttered. "I was worried."

"Think I'm going mad, do you?"

"No, Harry," she said firmly. "I told you, I was worried and a little curious. Please don't blow this up."

"Blow… blow it up? You had no right to whine to Dumble-dore!"

"I didn't 'whine' or tattle! I'm not a child. I just care about you. What is wrong with that? All that alcohol is killing your brain. It's killing you. I told you to stop drinking; you still won't listen. You're being a selfish, stubborn pig again. Are you that stupid?"

I expect everyone was looking at us then, but I didn't see. That's when I made the worst mistake ever. I hit her. My arm just… moved, and the back of my hand connected with her cheek.

She looked at me with tears in her eyes. "I don't like you when you drink," she whispered, and turned and walked to her dorm, shutting the door softly.

I couldn't fully comprehend what I had done. We all stood there, thunderstruck. It took Ron a second, but he came to grips with what happened and tried to hex me. Hermione did Silencio on him just in time, so it didn't affect me. She glared at me, Ron seething, and led him away. He tried to say something—a lot of things, probably full of curse words—and although I couldn't hear what he was saying, I think my guesses were pretty accurate.

I just… can't understand how that happened. I like Ginny. A lot. And have I ever had a drunken rage like that before? I don't understand… I just don't understand.

And Ron… Merlin, he must hate me so much… I expect I can give Malfoy a run for his money in Ron's book… I don't think he'll ever forgive me. I don't think there's anything I can do to make him forgive me. Violating privileges with his sister was the worst thing anyone could do to anger him, and I did it.

Hermione has never hated me so much; I could tell by the look in her face and her eyes. I wonder if she's ever felt like that before towards anyone except Malfoy.

And Ginny… oh God, that was the worst. She was so hurt. Could I have been anymore of a goddamn moron? Ugh, what have I done? Ginny has been everything, just everything, and I ruined it all because of some stupid whisky?

I have to make it up to her. I have to get her back. I am not going to let this stupid, stupid, idiotic mistake ruin my chances with Ginny. I need to get her a birthday present, too; something way beyond special. If Sirius was getting something for a girl he really liked, something special, something she'd love, something that says a lot about her… what would he get?

I've got it. It's been staring me in the face and I never noticed. I've got to go to Hogsmeade.

A/N: Sorry it took me so long. I'll try to start working on Chapter 18 today. I wanted to finish this story by the time school starts, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I'm going to try to get close, though. (If you've read HBP, please check out my new one-shot, "A Half Blood Prince.") Feedback, as always.

IamSiriusgrl- Thanks.

ghst.sama- Well, the word's out. I understand your frustration; I'm frustrated at stupidity in those around me, too. I just don't see how you were motivated… anyway, whatever. Read still, don't read; I'm not mad.

roxygurl25- Okay. Not really much to say to that.

potts- Yes I have thought of that; being original, publishing, etc. But I'm not going to do it this summer; I'm thinking of starting next summer.

none- I agree about the job. Well, we'll see how far his cockiness gets him. Thanks so much for your praise.

noisy lil brat- Could you please give me more feedback? Criticism is welcome, you know.

code112358132134- That gets weirder and weirder to type. Climax is coming up, I think… I'm trying to not drag it out but not let it be too abrupt, either, and there's still so much that has to go on. More feedback, please.