HIDDEN FIRE WILL BE DONE NEXT WEEK! I WOULD FINISH IT THIS WEEKEND, BUT I WILL BE AWAY, SO IT WILL END NEXT WEEK!

WE ARE JUST ABOUT TO ENTER THE CLIMAX OF THE STORY! THE CLIMAX IS NOT THE NEXT CHAPTER, BUT THE FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS AFTER THAT! IT TOTALLY HAS A SHIT-YOUR-PANTS ENDING! YOU'LL LOVE IT!

...I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M TYPE-SCREAMING! JUST REVIEW!

Recovery of the Master Sword

Impa stepped out of the darkness.

"I knew it was you... You locked us in, didn't you? How could you betray us like that?" cried Daphness.

"A little birdy told me that the dark side would be much more rewarding than the light side... And that birdy was right. I now get discounts on evil weapons and stuff! You can't beat that!" Impa said.

"So what are you gonna do now? Kill me? Kill all of us!" spat the king.

"Why, yes. Yes, I shall." Impa drew a long sword.

"Hey! But we are without weapons!" said Komali, not remembering Tetra's dagger.

"Oh well!" Impa sneered and ran at Komali. She knocked him unconcious.

"Komali, NOOOOOO!" screamed the king.

"STOP YELLING, IT TAKES UP MORE AIR!" snapped Link, huddled in the corner.

Impa smiled slyly and smoothly approached Link. She cupped his face and looked into his frightened blue eyes.

"Oh, my dear boy! Is this scary?" she asked.

Link whimpered and nodded.

"Do you want me to leave you alone and let you have that silly willy little medallion?"

Link nodded again. Daphness watched, fists clenched, ready to hit Impa. Yet, his caution held him back. She was armed -- he was not.

"You poor, poor thing..." Impa cooed, hugging Link to tightly he couldn't breathe.

"S-SUFFOCATION..." he choked out.

"You don't have to worry about breathing, child. In mere moments, you will not breathe at all!"

"Huh?" Link gasped.

Impa quickly put the sharp side of her sword against Link's neck. She did not cut him -- she merely rested the blade there.

"Say your prayers, you fuckin' claustrophobic..."

Though Link had been panicking, he still had a small spark of sense in him. Whipping out Tetra's dagger, he got Impa off guard and stabbed her in the neck.

Impa screamed and fell to the floor, twitching and spitting up blood.

"Jeez, just die already!" Daphness snapped, taking the dagger from Link and stabbing Impa over and over and over and over again.

Impa continued dying, but not actually being dead.

"DAMMIT!" growled the king. He stabbed her one last time. She finally died.

"Crap...how long does it take for someone to fucking die?" he mumbled to himself.

Then the Shadow Medallion and a cyclone appeared.

"A-air...AIR!" Link gasped, pointing to the cyclone.

Daphness sighed.

"Yes, asshole. Air." The king grabbed the medallion and pocketed it. Then, seizing the unconcious Komali and the wildly hyperventilating Link, he stepped into it.

The trio landed in a temple.

Daphness looked around and sighed.

"Oh...the Temple of Time... How long it has been..."

Link took small glances around, but was mostly focusing on taking in gasps of air.

"You know, Link, we were never running out of oxygen to begin with..."

"LIAR!" Link panted. "Well...at least we can breathe easy now... We are in less danger. Well, I'M in less danger. Screw you."

The king opened his mouth to say something, but was silenced by a new voice.

"Greetings... I have been expecting you. I have watched your quest. I might also add that it is a pleasure to meet with you once again, Your Highness..."

Link and Daphness looked to see a fat old man who highly resembled a monk.

"Rauru! Is that you?" Daphness gasped.

"Aye, it's me."

The two men embraced eachother. Link laughed.

"Ahhahahahahaha...queers..."

Rauru slapped Link.

"Ow..."

"Back in our day, you would be beaten with a hot frying pan and a chainsaw for showing such disrespect to your elders!" said the man.

"Lay off, you stupid asshole!" snapped Link.

"Link, do you know who you're talking to?" Daphness asked.

Link thought for a moment.

"Ye -- wait...wait...no."

"This is Rauru, Sage of Light! He is like...the big boss of the sages."

Raura bowed his head.

"Indeed, I am.

"Listen...I must apologize for Impa's outrageous behavior. Honestly, it's a crying shame. She was the most mature of all the sages (aside from my awesome self) at one point. Greed consumed her..." Raura said sadly.

"Yeah, but she's dead now, so don't worry. We killed her pretty fucking well. I'm almost certain she's dead," Link piped.

"Shut up, Link..." grumbled Daphness.

"I bestow upon you this Light Medallion. It is but one of four more that you need."

Link accepted it.

"What about the other three?" he asked.

"Ah, yes, the Wind, Earth, and Spirit medallions... Do not worry. I have that taken care of." Raura turned to look behind him.

"Come on out, you three," he said.

Link and Daphness exchanged confused looks, but those quickly vanished as Makar, Medli, and a Gerudo woman stepped out of a room at the back of the temple. At that moment, Komali woke up.

"Ow...what happened...?"

Then he spotted Medli.

"You...still happily involved with Link's grandmother?" he sneered.

"Yes, thank you," replied the Earth Sage coldly as she and Makar strode up to them.

Link blinked stupidly.

"Here you go, Link. Here's to old times, and..." Medli sighed. "Good luck with the final battle..." She handed him the Earth Medallion.

"Take it, stupid," snapped Makar, chucking it at Link's head.

"OW! FUCKING TURNIP!" Link was about to kick the Korok, but Medli stopped him. Link grumbled and picked up the medallion.

Link turned to the Gerudo woman.

"Who the fuck are you?"

The woman glared at him.

"My name is Nabooru, and I am the Sage of Spirit. Rauru rescued me before Bambi could get to me. Saria and Darunia have both been abducted by her. Anyway, here..." Nabooru handed him the Spirit Medallion.

"Now set all the medallions on the ground before you," commanded Raura. Link, Daphness and Komali obeyed.

All the medallions began to shake and glow, and then they came together to form a ball of light. The ball of light floated into the air, and zoomed at Link. He gasped as it went inside his chest. Then everything got quiet, and he felt normal once more.

"Our power is now with you," said Rauru.

Suddenly, Saria and Darunia appeared on either side of Raura.

"Oh! We have been freed! The combined powers of the medallions have set us free of Bambi's clutches. Thank you!" exclaimed Saria.

"Saria!" Komali cried.

"Komali!" Saria gasped. The two embraced and started making out. Medli glared, and Darunia stared blankly at the wall. The kissing lasted until Nabooru sprayed them with a hose that came out of nowhere.

"Well...this is all...um, nice..." Link said. "But what the hell do I do now?"

"We shall escort you to the Master Sword. You shall pull it, and once again, you shall be the blade's wielder," said Nabooru.

"What about after that? Do I get to kick Bambi's ass?"

"You have one more trial left to face before that happens," said Rauru.

"And that would be...?"

"You must face your dark self," Nabooru stated.

"What the fuck does THAT mean?" Link snorted.

Saria's features darkened.

"You must thwart Dark Link... He is your dark self. And he's an asshole."

"There's a Dark Link?"

"Yes, and not only is he an asshole...he's...he's...a virgin..." whispered Saria. Everyone in the room gasped.

"O-oh my goddesses..." Link gasped. He puked all over the floor.

"A virgin... THAT'S JUST SICK!" spat Komali.

Saria's eyes were filled with tears.

"I know...I...didn't think I'd survive all that time I was captured... I mean...w-with there being a virgin on the loose an' all..." She began to cry. Komali hugged her.

"I-it'll be alright..." he cooed.

"We must hurry to the Master Sword! Link, you must draw it and put an end to this virgin menace and his mistress!" declared Makar.

The sages quickly teleported themselves and the group to the old battleground where Link had defeated Ganondorf.

It brought back so many memories for the boy hero... He remembered the Spice Girls music, Ganondorf, defeating him with Zelda/Tetra/whatever... A bell rung in his mind.

Link spun to face the sages.

"Wait...what about Tetra and Aryll!" he demanded.

"The gods have told me almost nothing on that matter. All they have said is that Zelda will be free of her prison once you lay waste to the virgin. Only with the aid of Princess Zelda can you defeat Bambi. Your sister will remain in Bambi's clutches untill you kill her butch ass," said Rauru. "But nevermind that now; play it by ear. Go and pull the Master Sword from the skull of the stone." The sage nodded to the rockish Ganondorf.

Link drew a deep breath, nodded, and marched up to the deceased foe. He climbed to the top, and yanked the Master Sword from its resting place. The blade warmed the palms of his hands with the force of light and good or whatever.

"Excellent. Now we shall send you to the place where you shall meet that fucking virgin, Dark Link. Be wary -- he and Bambi have prepared for this. Rescue your woman, and then go to face Bambi to rescue your sister and save the world.

However, you must face Dark Link alone. We will allow Komali and Daphness Nohansen Hyrule to join you after you have defeated him. That is, if he doesen't kill you..." said Nabooru.

"What?" Link gasped.

"Umm, nothing! Good-bye now!" The sages sent Link teleporting away.