Chapter 18

March 16

I fixed it. Or, at least, partially fixed things. I ran to Hogsmeade and into Quality Quidditch Supplies. It's a good thing the ThunderHead 3000 is so expensive; there was still one left and I was able to buy it, sign some stuff and carry it out of the store.

The hangover yesterday was the pits, by the way. There were a thousand drums in my head and I felt like my brain was growing by the second and taking up too much space in my brain.

I slipped a note under the girls' door asking Ginny if she would meet me outside the Prefects' bathroom at eleven that night. I know she read it immediately and that she was in there all day, because Hermione had accusingly told me so. I've got to patch things up with her and Ron, too… but how? Nothing comes to mind.

At least I've got Ginny covered. She did come, and I gave her the wrapped broom. As she unwrapped it, she shrieked and threw her arms around me and kissed me.

"You know you can't buy me back every time you hurt me," she said.

"I know."

She forgave me, but I promised I would stop drinking. I don't want to hurt her—or anyone—again because of it.

It's only been a little while—not even a full twenty-four hours, in fact—and already quitting is hard. Damn, is it going to be this bad the whole time? And how long is that, anyway? Will I be like this forever, or will the desire for alcohol sometime subside? I should ask Ginny; she'd probably know. I mean, after all this time… hers has got to be gone by now.

April 1

I can't believe I haven't written in half a month! I've just been having so much fun lately; these past few weeks have been a blast. Everything's been perfect with Ginny, although Ron and Hermione still haven't been friendly to me. I've been spending most of my time with Ginny. My grades have actually improved… I went from Failing to Average in Transfiguration, from Average to Excellent in Lupin's class, still Failing in Binns' class, but who needs History of Magic? Average in both Charms and Potions.

Now that I actually bothered to try the homework, I really understand why seventh year's the hardest. N.E.W.T. testing is in the middle of this month, and then they send in your results to every place you applied for a job, and the pressure's really building up. I mean, I know I'm guaranteed the Auror position, what with my history, Dumbledore's recommendations and all, but I want to score well on my N.E.W.T.s anyway to secure my spot.

It's so strange—suddenly I'm all about grades. Not like Hermione, or anything, but definitely more intense than Ron. I think its Ginny. Ever since she happened to me, I've been… changed. It's the best thing that's ever happened. When I was in my old habits, I was always depressed. Even when I played Quidditch, I did it halfheartedly. Now I have energy. I wouldn't call it pep, or say that I'm happy and excited about life, or anything—I'm not like that and wouldn't be, no matter what someone did to me. I just feel like I'm living.

There are two dampers to this new feeling, however. One is my drinks—I haven't had one in so long, and it's been eating away at me. Lately I've been getting these mood swings. Ginny's noticed it, too, and told me. I just get these mad cravings; it's like something bursts open inside of me. I have to deal with it sometime; I've been telling myself to suppress it for ages, it seems like, but it just gets worse. I can't take it much longer; one day it's going to leap out of me. I can't lie to myself anymore. I don't know how to get rid of it. It got so bad the other day that I cried from the anguish. I would never let anyone know, but I ached so badly.

The other damper is Ron and Hermione. Although Ginny's been terrific, I miss them both. I have to make up with them; I just can't figure out how. What could ever possibly rectify what I've done? We were doing so well, too—healing the scars of the past year. I got Ginny the broomstick, but I can't think of anything that I could physically give to Ron or Hermione.

I've decided to stick around them a bit. They're civil, but not friendly in the least. I'm like a house elf to them—they know I'm there, but I'm not treated in any special way. I've been observing them and trying to see if I get any inspiration, but no luck yet. I've also asked Dobby to let me know if he hears anything.

I just got another craving. Merlin, they hurt.

Remus pulled me aside after class again a few days ago, this time to congratulate me on my grades. I thanked him, and he asked me what was wrong.

"How do you mean?" I asked.

"Things between you, Ron and Hermione have been a little… tense, as of late," he observed. "Anything I can do to help?"

"No, thanks," I said. "I'm handling it. Prof—Remus?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"Do you still miss him?"

"All the time," he said bitterly. "But he hasn't really left us, Harry."

I thought of the mirror sitting in my trunk. "I know," I said.

Happy April Fools, Sirius. And I didn't just address him. I know I didn't. I feel differently than when I used to still talk to him. I just hope he's fine. I know he is. I have no idea why I'm saying this.

Today I left a rubber snake in Ginny's trunk and enchanted it. I listened by her door for the shriek, and found it. I gave Dobby a hat that moved, as a joke, but I don't think he got it. He was delighted and enjoyed it immensely and thanked me excitedly for it.

I wonder what Sirius and Dad would do for April Fools'. I'll ask Dumbledore sometime.

April 3

I don't understand what I just did. I just don't know why or how I did it. I knew the invitation was there, and I took it… but why? Ginny was sitting in the library, working on a Charms essay. She really has grown up. Anyway, I approached her and asked, "Gin? Could I ask you something?"

She put her quill down. "Anytime. What is it?"

"I know it's a bit far off, but… will you be my date for graduation?"

Her eyes lit up like no other. She could conquer the sun. She smiled and threw her arms around me. "Harry! Yes, of course." When she pulled back, she looked at me hard for a long time. "You've really changed."

"In… in a good way?"

"I'd have to say I'm satisfied."

That wasn't the crazy part. Not by a long shot. I should've kissed her and left her then, but what I did was way worse. Not that kissing her and leaving is bad.

I got an insane craving just then, worse than I've ever had before. It tore away at my skin, at my soul. It was agony, pure agony. It drove me crazy. I was hungry, starving for the little thing that always made me feel better.

"Ginny?" I asked. "You know that support group you go to? Could I… could I come with you the next time you go?"

She grinned. "Do you mean it?" I nodded. She shrieked and leaped on me; I almost fell over. "I'm so proud of you," she whispered in my ear.

We got kicked out of the library then by Madam Pince, so we decided to play some Quidditch. I got so sick I almost threw up, so I rode on the back of Ginny's broom for a little while and then almost got sick again. We sat under the shade of the oak tree to catch our breath.

"Harry?" Ginny said. "I really like you."

"I like you too, Ginny," I said, hoping she wasn't about to get all mushy, because I hated that.

"Harry?" she said again. "I… I love you." Her eyes were sparkling, and she leaned in to kiss me.

I said I had to put my Firebolt away and that I had an essay to write. I grabbed my Firebolt and flew up to the GryffindorTower window. Pulling out Sirius' knife, I unlocked it, flew in and landed. Of course I was sick afterwards—I retched in the bathroom. No one was in the tower to hear.

I don't know why I fled like that. Come to think of it, I haven't even kissed Ginny in a long time. We hang out, sure, but it's all friendly. Not that I don't like it; I love spending time with her. Now I'm confused. I like Ginny. I just don't know if I can tell her I love her.

The support group is in two weeks. I suppose I have to go now, but I don't want to. I don't know why I asked. A bunch of sniveling, snotty freaks… who wants to be around them? Now I'm obligated to Ginny, and I don't want to disappoint her.

I still have no idea what I'm going to do for Ron and Hermione. They're still so distant, and Dobby hasn't told me anything. I don't know what I can buy for them to ever make them forgive me, not even in another universe. I could buy Ron anything in the world he didn't have and he still wouldn't forgive me. He did, after all, entrust me with his sister. And Hermione… what would she want? What would she ever want?

Oh, my God. It just hit me. I remembered something Hermione said last year. But how will I do it? I have to go.

I wrote a letter to Dung asking if he could help me. He said he'd Apparate over there right away, but I have to pay for all expenses and pay him "for his services." Hopefully he'll keep his word and I'll only have to wait for Hedwig to bring the stuff back.

April 4

Mundungus was true to his word after all. I think it's the first time in his life. Hedwig came with a parcel today. I told Hermione there was an N.E.W.T. informational meeting in the Common Room at six, and I told Ron there was a taste-testing where you win money if you guess right. Needless to say, they both showed up. When they saw me there, they looked disgusted and tried to leave, but I locked the doors and put an anti-Alohomora charm on them.

"Listen," I said, walking toward them, "I know I've been a rotten friend these last two years. I know. I've done and said a lot of horrible things. I've treated you wrong and things have been awkward between us for nearly two years. But I want to change that."

They didn't say anything, but they didn't back up, either.

"About what happened at Ginny's party—" Ron's face twisted with rage, but he said nothing. "It was one of the worst things I've ever done. I'm still beating myself up about it, believe me.

"I was drunk that night at Ginny's party. I snuck away and went through two bottles of firewhisky. Then I got angry at Ginny and… well, you know." Ron nodded fiercely. "I just wanted you to know… I made up with Ginny. I'm really sorry; I don't know how many times I can say that to make you realize it. I didn't mean to. I was intoxicated."

Hermione's eyes were glistening with tears. "I know," she sniffed.

"What?" Ron's and my voices sounded at the same time. He gave me a dirty look.

"I saw you," she said. "That night, at Ginny's party. I saw you drinking and drinking and, when you had finished that bottle, drinking again. I didn't say anything. I didn't stop you. But I should have."

"Don't blame this on you," I said bitterly. "It was my entire fault and I'm willing to take full responsibility. I have something for you." Reaching into my robe pocket, I pulled out three pieces of paper. "I have three plane tickets to Italy for directly after graduation. The three of us could go, just like Hermione wanted to," I said, smiling slightly at her. "Or just you two. I understand if you don't want me tagging along."

"P-plane tickets?" asked Hermione disbelievingly.

I nodded. "We would do it all the Muggle tourist way. If you still want it that way."

"Y-yes, I do…" Hermione looked at me. "Thank you, Harry."

"Don't thank me. I'm sorry. I also want you to know I've decided to stop drinking. I'm joining Ginny's support group, too. I'm going to get better."

"Oh, Harry—" Hermione made like she was going to hug me, but stopped. "I'm glad."

We both looked at Ron.

"Well, I do want you to come," he mumbled. "All right, you're forgiven, but don't you dare hurt my kid sister again."

I grinned. "I won't. I promise."

A/N: Feedback, as always.

roxygurl25- Yes, maybe.

potts- Always good stuff from you.

IamSiriusgrl- More feedback?

code112358132134- I don't even know if I got the number right that time. You can look. If you wish. :P Thanks for your geniusosity.