Chapter 22

May 11

I haven't talked to Ginny yet. I mean, about what I said I might. The atmosphere and mood haven't been right yet. I'm still waiting for the subject to come up naturally.

In the meantime, she hasn't changed a bit. She's a little sad about graduation coming up in about a month, and that's understandable. After all, Ron, Hermione and I will be gone. We talked today about graduation and the future and everything, Ginny and I. She's not looking forward to my leaving, of course. I still haven't told her about signing up for the Chudley Cannons. I'm not sure how she'll react.

She started acting all clingy when we talked about graduation, and that brought back feelings I was trying to discard. The new Ginny came rushing in again. The Ginny I knew would be cool and calm about me graduating. Merlin, what's happened to her?

Anyway, she was saying how much she'd miss me, and how we'd talk to each other every day via fireplace, and write letters, and such. I got sick of it all and tuned out, pretending that I was listening. I used to feel guilty when I did that before, but now I don't. Actually, I don't even pretend to listen anymore.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with all this. I've wished for so long that the Ginny I fell in love with would come back, but wishing hasn't gotten me anywhere and I'm not counting on it to. I guess if we can't have what we want… well, I see only two options. Maybe three, but the third involves confronting Ginny about her new personality, and, quite frankly, I don't wish to do that. But maybe I will... if I could get Ginny back. The problem is having to choose.

May 13

Bad day. I decided to tell Ginny about the Chudley Cannons… and she flipped. We sat down in the Common Room—something we haven't been doing a lot of lately—and I told her I applied for the Chudley Cannons because I didn't get the Auror position. At first she got angry at the Ministry because they rejected me, but that wore off quickly seeing as her father's in the Ministry and she doesn't have anything to begrudge against them. Then she blew up at me, saying what an idiot I was to chance my future and stuff.

I don't understand why she's making such a big deal out of this. I mean, I might play for the Chudley Cannons, and even though I didn't get the Auror position, she shouldn't get upset. If anyone should get upset, it should be me. I mean, I don't see how this affects her. And I told her that.

Bad idea. She got all quiet and shocked for a second, like she was wondering how I could ever ask how my career affected her. And then she said, "Because when we get married, it'll affect me."

Oh boy. That did it. I didn't say anything to her; didn't reassure her that we would get married, didn't blatantly tell her I hadn't even considered marriage. The truth is that I had… but that was ages ago. It seems like years when I know it really wasn't. I only considered marriage once; it was the time I felt so close to Ginny. We had really connected, and I wondered what it would be like if we ended up getting married. That was when I loved her.

I don't know how she felt; I haven't talked to her since and she hasn't approached me. I don't know if she still thinks that we're getting married. I swear I don't know how to react. Ginny would never have brought this up if she was still like her old self. What should I do?

I'm not even thinking about the fact that she just blew up at me for applying to the Chudley Cannons… that hardly matters. I really don't care if she approves or not. If it had been a couple months ago, and this happened, I would have cared tremendously. I probably would have dropped that option altogether if Ginny didn't think it was right. But now… what is she to me?

I don't know what I'm going to do about this. Does she even know how much she's changed? How did it happen, anyway? Was it slow or sudden? I only noticed an abrupt change… but maybe it was because I wasn't paying attention.

I know one thing—I certainly don't love her anymore.

May 16

I just got a letter from the Chudley Cannons. They accepted me.

Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you are highly qualified for the position of Seeker for which you have applied. You may owl or Floo to schedule an appointment for an interview at your earliest convenience.

I got in. After I graduate, I'm going to be a Seeker for a living.

I told Ginny. She was happy for me at first, that I was guaranteed a source of income after I graduated. Then she started nagging me about how I shouldn't have given any opportunity for a question to arise about whether I would have a job, and the stress I put her through, worrying whether 'd have a job to support a family.

Whoa. Support a family? And there was no reason for her to get stressed over it. It's my future, not hers. And what's with this 'at first' thing I keep writing? Why does she always have two reactions? Why can't she either be supportive or not?

I told her that I was satisfied with myself, and happy with myself, and if she didn't approve well then that's just too damn bad for her. She looked hurt, but I don't care. She deserved it.

Her words are still ringing in my ears—the ones about "when we get married" and "supporting a family." Where does she get these ideas? I mean, I know it's the purpose of dating and everything, to find your soul mate, but… what's happened to her attitude? She used to be cool with us just spending time together, and now… this. I'm not seeing very many options here.

She's my date for graduation as of right now; after all, it's expected. I don't know how long I can keep up this façade that I'm still interested. I don't want to be dateless for graduation, and it would probably break her heart… I don't really care that much about the latter. I don't want to seem unfeeling, but honestly—what do you expect me to do? (Um, for clarification… I am not referring to Sirius again. Sirius is dead and I know it. I've moved on.) Still, there's the problem of being dateless… it's less than a month before graduation, so there would hardly be anybody who doesn't have an escort already.

I don't think I can keep this up any longer… the only question is when. Should I do it after graduation? I don't know if I have the capacity to wait another month. But now… I'm not sure if I can bring myself to do it anymore. I want to, certainly, but the consequences of going right out and doing it… what would Ron say? Hermione? Ginny? I am not about to screw things up with my best friends again. What a decision to make.

I've just owled in my appointment for an interview for the Cannons… I wonder if they had a lot of applicants. I hope not… the better my chances are… well, the better everything is.

May 19

I've thought about it for the last seventy-two hours. I know I didn't over-think because this decision requires so much thought; I'm not even sure if I thought about it enough. I've made my decision… and carried it out.

It was horrible, more awful than I imagined. Well, I suppose that wasn't too hard, because I didn't imagine it being quite so awful on Ginny's part; I only considered Ron and Hermione's feelings on the matter. It started out okay; I didn't feel anything at all. Towards the end came the problem, when I asked her a question that I shouldn't have asked.

I did it. After what seemed like months of vaguely considering it, I've done it. I told Ginny that it "wouldn't work out anymore." I didn't specify on purpose, but, being Ginny, of course she had to pry.

I sat her down in the Common Room at lunch when it was deserted and told her that it wouldn't work out anymore. She was confused at first and asked me what I was talking about. I told her our relationship wasn't going to work out, and what did she do? Nothing. She sat there, numb, just staring at me. Her eyes didn't blink, her muscles didn't move, neither her face nor her mouth said anything. I waited for her to speak, but when she didn't I said her name.

She slowly looked up into my eyes. "Harry, what are you doing? You can't break us apart! We're like… like… you just can't do this to me!" she said, looking like she felt nothing but I knew it wasn't so.

I didn't say I was sorry, because I wasn't. She'd get over it. I'd be sorry if I screwed up a relationship with Ron and Hermione. But I wasn't sorry for this.

"We just won't work out," I said.

"No-no-no!" she shouted, now crying and screaming. Thankfully no one was around to hear. "You can't do this, Harry! We belong together! You know it! You know we do!"

"We don't," I said unfeelingly. "I have to admit, there was a time I loved you."

"What do you mean, 'was'?" she demanded. She was nearly hysterical now. "You still love me!"

"I don't. Not anymore. I can only say you brought this on yourself."

"I didn't do anything!" she wailed and screamed and cried.

I waited a moment before answering. "I fell in love with you. You were wild, fun, spontaneous, a good laugh… I could always be myself around you and you were yourself around me. I wouldn't trade that for the world.

"But we fell apart. I know I didn't say this to you sooner and I should have, but I'm saying it now. You've become someone I don't want to be with. You've become routine, clingy… so unlike the person I knew."

"But I was that person! I can be that person again!"

I shook my head. "It's too late."

She took this in slowly, processing it. Finally she asked, "Why?"

"Because. I don't love you anymore. We're not right for each other. You can't make me happy, and you'll probably find someone that will make you happy."

"But you make me happy; don't you understand!"

"I don't make you happy. You cling to the idea of me, but face it—you don't know me anymore, and I don't know you."

"But we could get to know each other again!" At my silence, she stopped wailing, stopped spewing excuses and reasons and hope. She looked down at her hands, not saying a word, her hair falling to conceal her eyes.

"Goodbye, Ginny Weasley." I said. She didn't look up still. I was about to leave, then remembered something she had told me a very long time ago, when I was falling for her. Something that was bothering me just the slightest bit. Turning to her, I asked, "You said before you started drinking because a friend was. I was wondering… who was it?"

She finally looked up at me, tears fresh and glistening in her eyes once more. "You," she said.

Oh. Was that a blow to… something. It stung a little, but I walked away and didn't look back. I didn't say a word.

May 30

Ron didn't get mad. He was horrified and disgusted and a whole bunch of other things at first, but he realized I did what I had to do. He even admitted (albeit a while later) that he had noticed something was going on between us, and that something was not right. I'm glad. I don't know what I would have done if Ron didn't accept me.

Hermione had more or less the same reaction… she didn't get mad, but she understood that if things didn't work out, they didn't work out. After all, she was the one who confronted me about it all before. She made sure that I had really tried to make it work, to understand, before I did it, and I reassured her that I did. She was okay after that. She's been comforting Ginny a lot lately, but she doesn't shoot me death glares or accuse me, and that's all that matters to me—that she doesn't blame me.

Ginny hasn't spoken to me since. She's been with Hermione, Lavender, always surrounded by her friends. I don't know if they know now or not, but they should have pieced it together if they had any brains. She went out on a date last night, I think. I don't really care, but I don't think she was enjoying herself; just doing it to occupy her time and her mind.

Graduation is in fifteen days. I'm dateless now, I guess. I wonder who'd go with me, if anyone.

June 14

It's late at night. Graduation is over. It was amazingly painful… well, slightly painful, but amazing because I thought it wouldn't be painful at all. The ceremony was really nice and everything—the Great Hall was decorated, there was music, food, all that stuff. Dumbledore gave a really nice speech. Hermione was valedictorian, of course. Her speech was moving… I don't remember it perfectly but it went something like this:

'Through these years we've been bombarded—school, exams, friendships, school, feelings, dark magic, school.' The audience laughed politely. 'I know it's cliché to talk about what I've learned, about the great teachers and friends I've met, and how I'm now well-rounded for the world… so I won't. At least not yet.

'I was a workaholic. I studied so incredibly hard. School was my life; I was completely devoted to it. My grades reflected my devotion, I'll admit it… but something was terribly wrong. I didn't know it; I couldn't have realized it and I didn't.

'I'd been friends with Ron and Harry for a long time, but only after a long time did I realize what I really felt for Ron. I just feel so different now. My grades didn't suffer, but I'm happy. It doesn't seem possible… or at least it didn't to me at the time. But I've realized that there's so much more than just grades, than the future… and in a sense this is the future. Life is just so amazing that we can't afford to let it slip by.

'Secondly… these last two years have been awkward and sometimes nightmarish. The hell that one of my friends put me through… the pain, the unbalance I felt… I couldn't talk about that with anyone, not even Ron. I didn't know what to feel, so I stopped feeling in that direction. I told myself it wasn't worth it. I said I was wasting my time, that nothing was ever going to change and that I might as well let go. But it wasn't true. Any of it.

'It's always worth it. No matter what it is, even if it is the tiniest thing, infinitesimally small, it's worth the effort and the pain and the blood and sweat and tears. I learned that the hard way and almost lost something incredibly special. Life is about feeling, so if you ever give up feeling something for anything or anyone you're making a big mistake. Numbness is hell. Feeling is what defines life, what makes life worth living, ever. Don't ever give it up. Always try to recover what you've lost. There's always hope.'

There was some more stuff, but that's all I can really remember. I would never have expected Hermione to divulge personal stories to people she didn't know. I was pretty impressed.

So now I guess it's over, my Hogwarts life and everything it includes. Ginny, all the stupid "friends" who were nothing more than acquaintances, classes, exams, teachers… teachers. I wonder if things between Remus and me will change. He's not just a teacher at school; he was my mentor for a little bit. And a friend. He is a friend.

And what about Dumbledore? We don't speak anymore, now that my scar doesn't hurt that often anymore. He's helped me through so much, has been there for me, has taught and guided me… but it would be so difficult to walk right into his office and start a conversation. Unless he comes looking for me or is conveniently located near me when I feel chatty, I won't be initiating any conversation.

Now that I think about it, everything here will be ending except Quidditch and Ron and Hermione. Well… what about Ron and Hermione? Are things really going that great with us? I mean, is it going so well that we'll continue to be friends after we go our separate ways and Ron and Hermione maybe start a family? We've talked about careers and stuff a little bit, but nothing deep, mostly just small talk. Oh, Merlin. Is this how we're going to end—with no connection at all? But I can't approach them either. When they're together, it's like a militia against me. I lose all my nerve. I really hope we'll stay friends after we all leave.

Since this is my last dinner feast before I leave Hogwarts, I'd better enjoy it.

A/N: One more chapter! Leave me love. (By the way, where are all my reviewers!)

Potts- Yeah, I know, way busy. But still. Mah. I want reviews. Haha. I appreciate your support more than you know!

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