Harry after having shrunk Mrs. Figg to the size of a Barbie doll, was feeling rather pleased with himself 'now to pay a little visit to Big D and see what we can do to make his day!' Harry said out loud with an unfamiliar .glee.
Harry was walking in a very peculiar manner; he was walking in such a way which either suggested he could not hold his excitement or that he had a terrible need to go to the bathroom.
'Heeeeeeeeeeeres Harry' screamed Harry in a voice which suggested his absolute madness. 'Come out come out wherever you are' Harry said rather childishly. Harry could hear his cousin, he had obviously locked himself in a cupboard 'alohomora' screamed Harry psychotically pointing his wand at Dudley; Causing the door to pop open. There he saw poor little Dudley curled up in a ball 'ppleeaase, Harry, pplease don't hurt meee' stuttered Dudley 'oh don't worry dumdum I won't hurt you, we're just going to play a game' said Harry in a very soft a gentle voice. 'You like games don't you dumdum? 'Asked Harry in what seemed to have been a genuinely curious voice 'yyesss.. I supppooose so' answered Dudley in a very forced tone. 'Oh I see you have gone past your deaf faze?' asked Harry enthusiastically staring at his cousin. Dudley kept quiet and stared back at the lunatic, everybody called Harry
Harry just continued to stare at his cousin avidly, he had the most unusual expression, mixed with anger and disconcertion, he had a grin on his face... he would not stop grinning. After about 3 minutes of unbroken silence Harry came closer to Dudley, and sat down next to him putting his arm around him. 'listen dumdum, after thinking it over I have decided on the best game we can play' he said ' are you exited ?' asked Harry seeming pleased with himself 'oh yes' replied Dudley trying to mimic Harry's tone, although unsuccessfully. We are gonna play 'the bang'um feint'
'Now here is how we play the game' said Harry instructionally. We each take turns to hit our testicles as hard as we possibly can, the longer you can go before you pass out the more chance of you wining the prize. Dudley was absolutely shocked by his cousins absolutely twisted mind 'whaaaat?'; asked Dudley almost not even hearing himself ''oh come on duudders you'll like it, and guess what you're first;
Dudley was becoming more and more anxious was his cousin actually going to make him carry out this most twisted task? 'Ok Dudley, so firstly you must sit down, preferably cross legged and just start to whack your balls... Ok?' said Harry.
'No... I will not fucking do that you sick son of a bitch!' shouted Dudley not being able to contain himself 'what the fuck did you just say to me... fuckwit? 'Said Harry his anger increasing. Dudley started to become confident and thought that he should challenge Harry; he had absolutely no idea what he was getting himself into. 'Now listen to me, from now on you never take that tone with me, understood' said Harry 'I will pretend you didn't disrespect me' he said starting to cool down.
Dudley without any notice punched Harry square in the glasses making him bleed profusely 'now you've done it' said Harry 'now you've fucking done it' without any word of notice Harry grabbed a hold of his cousin and threw him out with tremendous force. Now they were both standing outside the cupboard, and he grabbed a hold of Dudley and apparated.
Dudley hadn't caught on to what had happened he found himself in this large sort of wonky house 'welcome Dudley to the burrow, you're going to meet my two best friends Ron and Hermione. Harry still dragging Dudley knocked on the door. After about 2 minutes of waiting patiently a plump lady answered the door 'oh well hello Harry, what a pleasure to see you, will you come in? 'Said Molly Weasley in a very polite tone 'oh yes thank you Mrs. Weasly' said Harry in a tone which had absolutely no hint of anger. 'Ron and Hermione are upstairs' she said matter-of-factly.
Harry once again regained his psychotic composure and raced to Ron's room where he saw a sight which he never thought possible, Ron and Hermione were in a lip-lock.
'What the fuck are you two sods doing' Harry said in a tone which was indecipherable. 'Oh... Well... Harry you see Ron and I-'Hermione was cut off by Harry; still looking rather embarrassed 'well that's bloody brilliant' said Harry smiling psychotically. 'Ron's fancied you since first year-'he was cut off by Ron 'hey…'that as between you and I-'now Ron was cut off by Harry, 'you know Hermione, Ron has been having very naughty dreams with you, he told me not to tell but I just couldn't contain myself' he said winking stupidly to his best friend who was on the verge to explode with anger.
'Oh and by the way mates, I would like to introduce you to my cousin... Dumdum...Oh sorry I mean Dudley' said Harry 'Dudley felt very conflicted and had no idea what was up with Harry. Just second ago he was going to kill him, now he was introducing hi to his best friends, it made absolutely no sense. 'Oh… Well. Hello. I'm Dudley... Harry's cousin' he said feeling very distressed. 'Oh Harry what you doing bringing your cousin the muggle to my house anyway? Asked Ron looking perplexed. Well you see, Dudley wanted to see what it was like to be a wizard so I thought I'd umm…. introduce him to my best mates before I dispose of him' said Harry. Hermione instantly stirred by this comment said 'what do you mean disposed? Of' asked Hermione genuinely concerned.' well you know what I mean' said Harry 'kill him' Dudley. Ron and Hermione all shouted in unison 'what? 'You heard me, what's the problem' asked Harry honestly not knowing what the big problem was 'you can't do that' answered Hermione, her distress increasing 'why the fuck not? He punched my G-d damn face, he deserves to die' said Harry matter of factly. Both Hermione and Ron, had no idea who this person was, it certainly wasn't their friend, there friend would not do such a thing, even to their cousin.
The place was silent , it was broken by Dudley ' can I go now?' he said, sounding truly frightened' he tried hard not to look into his cousin's crazed eyes ' no you can't alright, you me Ron and Hermione are first going to get our stuff ready for Hogwarts' huh, what do you mean you me, Hermione and Ron?' asked Dudley ' I'm not bloody well going anywhere with you, let alone that crazy school' said Dudley, almost going out of breath' you bit your tongue fuckwit, I don't ever want to hear you speak of Hogwarts in such a manner, now you apologize!' shouted Harry. Dudley was starting to go red in the face. Is this the same cousin he used to poke fun at and beat up? It sure as hell doesn't sound like him. Thought Dudley 'I' sorry Harry-'Dudley was broke off by Harry 'not me fuckwit… hogwarts...hoggy hoggy Hogwarts, say sorry to it' Harry said panting.'ok fine' said Dudley 'I'm sorry…hoogwarts.
Both Hermione and Ron were getting very worried about Harry's inexplicable behaviour 'maybe you know who is messing with his head' said Ron as he and Hermione were walking out of the room 'well Ronald, I don't see why he who must not be named is so bored he wants to see Harry go completely nuts' said Hermione. 'what are we going to do about Dudley' said Hermione I don't think we should leave him alone with Harry, you never know what he could do to him while we're gone, also Harry has got the idea that Dudley is coming to Hogwarts with us' said Hermione, catching her breath.
'Time for supper!' shouted Mrs. Weasly. All the Weasleys including Harry and Dudley and Hermione gathered round the table. 'I took the liberty of setting an extra plate for your cousin is it?' asked Mrs. Weasly 'oh yes, that's right' said Harry once again grinning insanely. They all sat down.
Harry casually peered to look at Fred and George who were no doubt planning to do something to poor little Dudley, Harry was happy about this, however, how could Harry make these pranks lethal? He thought to himself. Then Ron and Hermione would think that Fred and George killed him! That's perfect!
'So young man you're a muggle I hear' said Mr. Weasly attentively 'that's what Harry keeps referring me to, so I guess I am' said Dudley disconcertingly with a hint of worry. ' fascinating-' Arthur Weasly was broken off by Harry ' Mr. Weasly, with all due respect I think you should leave the whole business of muggle artifacts to people whop care, ever since I first set foot in your house you keep yammering on about those silly muggles.. Get a life' said Harry in a harshest tone imaginable. Everybody just stared at Harry, open mouthed. People were continuously whispering to each other that this must be a side effect of the tragedy which had befallen Sirius. Harry was probably just reflecting his upset into hate.
Everybody chose to pretend they didn't hear what Harry had just said, and Mr. Weasly chose to keep quiet. After dinner Harry and Dudley met up with Hermione and Ron, and he informed them that he had to go back to privet drive and take little Dudley home and take care of some unfinished business. 'congratulations, I am so happy that you both found each other, and I hope that you have like my friend ton the tiger would say a grrrrrrrrrrrreat time'. suddenly, Harry transfigured both all their clothes into tuxedos strangely even for Hermione, and the requiem started playing, Harry then said 'will you Ron take Hermione to be your lawfully wedded wife?' said Harry dreamily. 'Yes. I mean no' said Ron 'what in blazes is going on Ronald Weasley!' shouted Molly. Before molly could point the finger at Harry he had already apparated with Dudley. Hermione was very unsettled about all this business, but before she even had a chance to scream at Harry she noticed he'd gone.
'Where the hell did he learn to do that?' asked Ron very intrigued? 'We are not de to learn that till we start the term' continued Ron looking very uneasy. Something is up with Harry' said Hermione 'and I intend to find out what it is'.
Unbeknownst of Hermione and Ron, Harry's mind had not just been affected by his revelation, but also Sirius' soul had found its way into Harry's body, causing periods of reckless and fanatical behavior.
'What happened' asked Dudley sounding shaken 'we're back at you're place dumdum. I believe we have some unfinished business, but for now I will just let you dwell on it, while I pay a visit to uncle verny.
'Oh uncle verny!' screamed Harry in a very chastising voice 'are you there?' Harry asked once again. Harry went up the stair and made his way to Vernon's room, he opened the door to see petunia standing over his body 'oh... Harry he won't wake up... what did you fucking do to him, you little shithead' cried aunt petunia 'don't you speak to me like that, I did absolutely nothing, but never the less I will try and wake poor verny up' said Harry cracking his knuckles. Harry stepped toward Vernon stepping over uncle Vernon's body, so that he was in-between his legs 'wwwhat aare you ddoing, to my husband? 'Asked petunia in a worrisome voice 'oh don't worry yourself aunty dear, I'm gonna help old uncle verny you'll see' Harry now had a very sly expression on his face. After what seemed to have been forms of meditation on Harry's part. Harry began to wallop Vernon across the face with impressive force 'what are you fucking doing, you're killing him, stop it! Stop!' shouted petunia, not being able to hold her cries.
Harry was just ignoring his aunt and continued to wallop poor old Vernon across the face, but still he wasn't waking up, Harry was getting restless, he was trying to help his uncle and it wasn't doing any good. So Harry thought to himself momentarily 'how can I make more of an impression with my wallops, I am having fun, but I lack imagination'. Without any notice whatsoever, Harry took his hands off his uncle, and walked out of the room 'petunia, I'll be right back' said Harry unable to stop grinning.
Harry returned soon after with Dudley Wilson tennis racket 'wwahat are you going to do to Vernon with that -?'Harry broke aunt petunia with a swing of the racket, once again with very impressive force; petunia hit the ground with a loud thump, which Harry thought was strange seeing as petunia is so small.
Harry momentarily glanced at his aunt, and then moved his concentration back to Vernon 'here we go' said Harry talking to himself. He once again paced himself getting Vernon between his legs. This time he got the racket, and was about to swing when suddenly he was interrupted by Dudley rushing in 'leave my dad a-'he was broken off with a large biff on the face with his favourite tennis racket. 'Oh...look at Dudley, he is so fucking sweet when he is sleeping' said Harry dreamily. 'I want to stare at him all day, but I still have business to take care of' said Harry trying to get the attention of a fly which had just entered the room.
Once again Harry had resumed his position ready to strike poor unexpecting Vernon right on the head, when he noticed that this was a very uninteresting and boring way to wake little Vernon up. He then thought some more and said out loud 'I'm hungry, I'm gonna get me something to eat!' in very think American accent, which almost gave Harry himself a heart attack.
Harry apparated to the kitchen and open the refrigerator and thought he would cook himself a nice omelette, preferably French, as he thought their accent was extremely funny.
Harry looked inside the fridge and saw the ingredients he could work with, even though Harry hadn't the foggiest idea of how to cook as he had never done so in his life.
Harry saw there were some eggs, chicken, sausages, lard and other ingredients, so in order to be safe, he thought that he would just throw everything into the frying pan ( due to Dudley enormous size, the Dursley's owned an extremely large frying pan) Harry threw everything in.
After about 10 minutes he noticed nothing was happening, this was really bothering him 'why isn't anything happening?' he thought to himself out loud. After about ten minutes of constant pondering he discovered that he didn't turn the fire on, so he turned on the gas, struck a match and before he k new it, steam began to produce.
Harry was getting bored so he thought he would go for a walk. He went outside, walking casually, when behind him, smoke was being produced galore, little did Harry know'
After spending most of his time chasing butterflies, he decided to turn back and see if his omelette was ready.
When he got there he saw an abundance of flames, he ran in, and took his suitcase, leaving unconscious Dudley, Vernon and petunia, and apparated to Diagon Alley.