'Uhh… what happened' said Ron, with a groggy voice. Everybody was still sleeping piled on each other 'Harry…' he whispered 'Harry, where are you?..'. Ron was getting frustrated; Harry simply was nowhere to be found.
All of a sudden, the pile shook sending all the Weasley's and Hermione, onto the floor 'have no fear! Harry's here!' said Harry his voice, squealing with excitement.
'What happened?' said Fred and George, loudly yawning, slowly awakening from their slumber. Harry was eagerly staring at the twins his mouth open enough for his tongue to be visible. Saliva kept pouring out of his ajar mouth and he said ' I went to toilet.. and I did a poo! Cherries are full of fibre, making my bowels susceptible to egestion.
The entire room stared at Harry, who was at the time, dancing around with in his underwear singing 'everybody, move your feet and feel united' he said, rapidly moving his feet to the beat of his hands on his head.
'Harry?... are yo---' Molly was cut off by Harry, who said 'everybody dance now!' and he ran all across the Weasley's living room, and ran up the wall. He continued to dance on the ceiling. Without notice, Ron started to hop around the room while kicking Hermione, in the arse; she couldn't help but scream 'I am a little pony!'; Ron without delay jumped onto her back, which caused poor unsuspecting Hermione to fall flat on her face.
Meanwhile Fred and George seemingly felt an urge to start slapping each other in turns, while Arthur, Molly and Ginny were spinning around in a circle increasingly fast, becoming a blur until they fell onto the floor as Harry clapped at their performance.
Harry slowly floated down as everyone regained their breath, and turned round once he noticed everyone was upside down. He said 'congratulations to everyone on their musical talents, you deserve some presents'. With a flourish a Porsche convertible appeared outside the house, as Harry said 'That is for you Arthur, for loving muggles as much as I love Dudley'. The kitchen was substituted by a modern one, and a necklace with rubies appeared floating in front of Ginny. 'This will be for the world record of most revolutions in one minute'. To Ron and Hermione he said 'I already made your wedding, so this will be a good follow up', and with a flick a cot appeared in front of them. He then looked at Fred and George, and frowned for a few moments, before he smiled mischievously at them; 'for you, my partners in crime, I have a special present, I will advertise your products in an interesting way as well as invent some, have this for starters'. He suddenly stuffed two biscuits into their mouths, and everyone burst out laughing as they became two piglets which oinked and charged at Harry with full force. He quickly grabbed them and knotted their tails together so hard that no one could untie them until they got back to normal.
Everyone was so stunned at their presents and what had just happened that they did not notice Harry disappear from the room until some time later.
Meanwhile Harry had apparated to Voldemort's location, a room inside an abandoned castle, which he knew of because of his telepathic link, interrupting a meeting. He yelled at him 'Why didn't you give me a present, Tommy? You didn't even send me a card!' Before even finishing his sentence Lucius Malfoy had used the Cruciatus curse on him. Harry screamed in pain before turning round to face Lucius. He suddenly appeared in front of him, violently grabbed his neck so hard that he broke his trachea. As Lucius was choking to death, he was thrown like a rag doll against the wall that he broke every bone in his body. Harry faced Voldemort again, screaming, 'If anyone interrupts me again, I'll kill you all, understood!' He did not notice Voldemort was trembling, as were the other Death Eaters, because Harry's skin was glowing black, with immense flames licking his skin without burning him. Many of them tried to apparate away, but they could not get out, as Harry seemed to have made anti apparition wards; they tried as hard as they could to break through them, but only got headaches for their efforts.
Voldemort was so scared that he said what came to his head first in an unusually high pitched voice 'happy birthday… Harry'. Harry stared expectantly at Voldemort, with fire blazing on coal black eyes, which slowly receded as he turned back to normal. After a while he asked, 'so where is my present? Tapping his fingers monotonously on his scalp. 'I want my g-d damn present now, before I grab your dick and shove it up your arse' bellowed Harry, his tone suggesting his patience being tried. Voldermort's lips began to tremble as he said 'I… I'll give you Wormtail, he's a hell of a good time, when you torture, he screams like a little girl' laughed Voldermort, to appease Potter.
Harry apathetically stared at voldermort 'summon him, and I'll be the judge of that' said Harry condescendingly. 'Accio Wormtail' roared Voldermort. Suddenly, Wormtail burst through the door, sending pieces of wood, flying all through the room.
'Voldermort! You say that this is a good slave to have? He's fucking sleeping on the job!' shouted Harry, his face turning blood red from anger, as Wormtail was unconscious from the impact against the door. Voldemort stuttered 'bbut Potter, he's un-' Harry cut him off as he continued to shout 'no buts, this is a worthless piece of shit, not fit for a present to the famous Harry Potter, the same one you couldn't even kill as a one year old baby… Looser!' said Harry, his words dripping with disdain.
Voldemort insisted, 'I can assure you he is fun to torture, even if he makes a rubbish servant'. Harry leaped at Wormtail and farted on him, which brought him back to consciousness. He then ordered him to turn into a rat, which Wormtail did when he noticed Voldemort glaring at him. Once this was done, Harry conjured a mousetrap under him, where poor Wormtail got caught. He then grabbed the trap and swung it with a skill reminiscent of a professional hammer thrower, and let when he let go the trap and the rat ended up tangled with a lamp, after rebounding several times on the walls. Harry grinned and turned to Voldemort, 'you were right, that was actually fun'. He said 'Accio Wormtail', and after catching him in his hands, threw him onto a newly conjured operating table, transfigured him back to normal and shackled him to it.
He pointed his wand at Wormtail and cried 'Enervate!' Pettigrew woke up and looked up at Harry. There was a maniacal gleam in his eyes which terrified him even more than Voldemort. Harry calmly explained, 'as was the tradition by Napoleon, I will castrate you, as my new eunuch, so that you will not be distracted by anything and focus on my service'. Wormtail writhed against the shackles with all his strength, but these were so tight around his hips, ankles, and wrists that he did not move even one centimetre. A pair of shears with white hot tips appeared in Harry's hands, 'Don't worry, it won't hurt a bit. The heat will cauterise your cuts and prevent blood loss.' Voldemort's skin obtained a green tinge as he heard Harry's twisted ideas. Pettigrew pissed his pants and passed out as he imagined the pain he would feel.
Harry's expression then turned to one of regret, 'if I do this, we won't be able to play the 'bang'm feint' game anymore'. He decided to leave Wormtail's genitals in their present location, and substituted the operating table by a small cage, which he made into a Portkey that transported him to the Weasley's cellar for safe keeping. He looked at his right wrist and said, 'it's still early, let's party!' he swiftly grabbed onto Voldemort's cloak and apparated all the way to Hawaii.
Meanwhile, back at the Burrow, everyone was discussing Harry's current condition. 'Harry is beginning to scare me', whispered Ron, an expression of fear slapped across his face. 'He's not here you moron' scolded Hermione. 'He's not?' Ron continued to look around the room, expecting Harry to jump out any second, lashing out irrationally. 'He's your best friend, you know' reprimanded Ginny. 'So, he's a bloody lunatic! You are just saying that because you got a real present' Ron defended himself.
Hermione burst in, 'let's look at this logically, obviously something has affected Harry's mind, he's probably traumatised because of Sirius' demise, we have to help him get through this by letting him vent his stress by pranking us. At least he is not acting violently, and you have to admit he is hilarious, when you look at it retrospectively. However, this has shown that Harry has immense power, maybe more than Voldemort himself, and he could hurt someone without meaning to; so I think we should take him to a psychiatrist'.
Arthur then said, 'I feel there is a small problem with your plan, two actually. Firstly, Harry is not here, and second, how could we convince Harry to go to a psychiatrist? He would not feel it was worth it, and I'm not bloody well paying for it!' Everyone laughed at this, even though deep down everybody knew that Harry's condition was nothing to be reckoned with.
'Harry has obviously apparated, but he question is where? This is serious we must get to the bottom of his problem' said Hermione fervently pacing the room, in a repetitive fashion. 'Yes, but how did he do that?' asked Ron, an expression of confusion on his face? 'Also, how did he conjure all those things, which are best not mentioned ever!' added Ron. 'yes he didn't even use a wand, you have to admit that was bloody brilliant!' further added Fred and George in unison. 'listen whether it was bloody brilliant or not is inconsequential, we must concentrate on the problem, something has affected his mind, and awoken some dormant powers within him, that is probably how he survived Voldermort, not the shit Dumbledore said about love. That was a cover; probably because he was jealous of Harry's powers, hoping they would stay dormant forever'. Said Hermione, almost losing her breath.
'Now... Now Hermione we must not jump to conclusions, especially when Dumbledore is concerned' said Arthur. 'there is surely another explanation' Arthur spoke, feeling very sure of himself 'alright, Mr. Weasley then could you please explain how Harry conjured a car for you? I highly doubt if even Dumbledore's powers have that potential' expressed Hermione smugly
'Fair point' said Arthur 'but that does not necessarily deem Dumbledore as jealous of Harry's potential' added Mr Weasley 'if he was not jealous, or perhaps even scared, why didn't Dumbledore guide Harry to reign his powers, and vanquish the Dark Lord.
Mr Weasley was at a loss for words, Hermione had obviously contested him. The room was silent, and was broken by Arthur's outrage brought about by Hermione sticking out her tongue 'OY Hermione, that is no way to treat your elders, now you bite your tongue!' said Mr Weasley his facing reddening to the colour of a ripe tomato. 'Sorry, no can do, if I bite my tongue, I won't be able to prove you wrong, now would I?' uttered Hermione arrogantly.
'So, lets get back to Harry, shouldn't we' interrupted Molly 'I am very concerned about him, who knows what he has gotten himself into'
'Well…here we are' screamed Harry bursting with enthusiasm. 'where is here?' asked voldermort, his face filled with worry. 'Hawaii, my good man, you really need a tan, now strip!' said Harry, a sly grin across his face.
Voldemort realised that he had not enough power to apparate to his lair, or even close for that matter, so he decided the safest thing to do would be to play along with Harry's insanity, perhaps even use it to his advantage.
'On a serious note, Tommy, your clothes are not appropriate for nether the time or place' Harry stated. As he said this Voldemort's tar black robes transfigured into a Hawaiian shirt and Speedos.
'What the fuck am I wearing!' shrieked Tom Riddle. Harry glared at Voldermort 'listen Tommy, I know it has been a while since you went out and chilled, but this is what is know. as 'clothes' said Harry, instructively
'well I know that much, moron' answered Riddle 'I was referring to the type of clothes, they make me look like fucking muggle' he added in a very serious tone.
'listen, you have to lighten up Voldy, how's about we get us a drink, I know a drinking game which has our name on it, now follow me. ' Harry began to walk ,and voldermort followed reluctantly'. Harry found himself at a Pub called 'Copacabana' 'hey, Tommy, this place is empty lets play.
Harry and voldermort entered this rather small hut. There was a man in waiters clothes, at the bar. Harry approached it, Voldemort once again followed 'what can I get fo-?' the waiter was cut off by Harry screaming 'stupefy!' the waiter went into a trance.
'Alright Tommy, what would you like to begin with, muggle whiskey is believed to be better than firewhiskey' said Harry, inferring that they should have whiskey to begin. Harry quickly hopped over the counter and took a bottle of Malt whiskey, and took out two glasses. And poured them both an ample amount of whiskey in each glass.
'now listen we are going to play, a game' said Harry, a stupid grin spread across his face. His incessant grinning caused Voldemort to feel somewhat uneasy 'umm…this game doesn't involve battering of precious items does it?' asked Voldemort the uneasiness so tangible you could cut it with a knife.
Harry seemed not to have heard what Voldemort had said 'well this is how we play the special drinking game, but we need at least two more people' instantly Bellatrix and Lucius Malfoy appeared. 'now listen here, Lucius and Bellatrix, we are about to play a drinking game called 'My penis, your vagina' said Harry enthusiastically. Due to what had happened previously Lucius and Bellatrix knew better than to question Harry. All they did was nod approvingly.
'Now as I was saying, this is how we play the game, we Sit in a circle. Guys have to say "My penis..." and girls have to say "My vagina...". You go around in a circle and start at the beginning of the alphabet. Example: "My vagina/penis is awesome", next person "My vagina/penis is angry"... The words have to relate (in some way) to vaginas/penises. When someone can't think of a word or repeats a word, then they have to drink and then it starts at the next letter.
Voldemort, Bellatrix and Lucius were perplexed, but silently agreed that it would be best not to anger Harry, as he was too insane to think clearly.
'Alright' said Harry. 'Who would like to begin, do we have any volunteers? The room was quiet 'oh come on, don't be shy!' asserted Harry 'listen, how about… you Lucius, I think you should start'
'umm…well My Penis/Vagina is antagonistic' everybody looked at Lucius, with depraved concern 'very good one Lucius, I'm impressed, however I feel this game is not suitable for you people, so what we shall do is just drink ourselves stupid, lets try every single drink that there is in this room, the last person standing wins!
They reluctantly began the game, drinking their glasses of whiskey first, after their first glass they seemed to loosen up a little bit. They followed with other drinks, and after 5 minutes, they started talking. 'Harry, how the hell did you get us all the way here?' Voldemort was loosening up and already calling Harry by his first name.
'It was easy, it just made me hungry, and for some reason I feel like taking a dump in the beach, wanna join me?' asked Harry, 'It's good fun!'
'No thanks, we'll wait for you to get back' Voldemort mixed a bunch of drinks together and drunk his glass in one gulp. Smoke came out of his ears and mouth. When Harry got back he asked him 'Had a nice dump? By the way, I noticed you laced one of the drinks; it gives you a wicked feeling! You should try it'
'It was great thanks! I even saved a fish which was drowning in the sea. I took it out of the water and left it to rest on the counter. It's sleeping now. That drink I laced was absinthe, my favorite. By the way I'm bored, let's have some fun!' This said, he aimed his hands at Lucius and Bellatrix, who proceeded to swap their clothes and dance a tango for the entertainment of Voldemort and Harry. Then Tom himself got Harry up and waved his wand, making a stage appear and cowboy music began to play. He then transfigured his clothes into a cowboy's, jumped onto the stage and used a lasso to catch Bellatrix. After that he jumped onto her back, and she started to jump about like a mad cow. Harry did the same with Lucius and proceeded to fight Voldemort like an old fashioned knight. He yelled at Lucius, 'Chaaarge!'. They crashed and ended up on the floor amid their rather large audience's applause.
Suddenly, it seemed like floodlights had been lit around the little hut. Around twenty wizards swarmed into the place, casting 'Obliviate' spells at all the muggles they could see and looking for the culprits of this mess. Some noticed four people sprawled all over a stage that had clearly been conjured, and tried to stun them. However two of the wizards clearly did not seem to enjoy being apprehended by the authorities. One started to curse them and caused an explosion which knocked out a few wizards of the American Magical Law Enforcement Patrol. The other one Apparated to the hut and started hurling tables, chairs and bottles at them physically and with magic, until none was left standing.
Voldemort praised Harry, 'that was totally cool, I don't remember having this much fun in a long time, not since I killed your parents'. Harry answered, 'Yep, we make a great team. We should do this again some time. I'll take you back now.' Harry used Accio to grab onto Lucius and Bellatrix, who had been knocked out in the fight, and Apparated them back with Voldemort to their castle. 'Sweet dreams, I know you're drunk, but don't shit or piss on yourselves, it smells bad and then the other Death Eaters have to clean up the mess'. He finally apparated back to Hawii and fell asleep on the beach.
At the Burrow, it was midnight, and everyone was worried about Harry's whereabouts and wellbeing. 'Why don't we just forget about him and play some wizard's chess?' asked Ron. Hermione was shocked to hear Ron speak so callously about Harry, and slapped him on the face, leaving an imprint of a hand on it. 'How can you say such a thing Ronald! He's your friend.' 'I know, but I can assure you Harry can take care of himself, he did kill a Basilisk after all in our second year', Ron countered. Hermione was still worried though, so she sent Harry a letter with Hedwig before going to bed.
Dear Harry,
We are all very worried about you. Please write back telling us your location, or at least when you'll be back.
Love,
Hermione
P.S. Bring some souvenirs if you can.
She was brought out of her musings by an incessant cry she could not recognise. She found the origin of the cries was the cellar, so she decided to go down and see what the problem was. She gasped in shock as she saw Wormtail in a cage. Hermione without hesitation ran up the stairs and screamed 'Mr. Weasley! Come down to the cellar, I think that there is something that you should see'. After a very short while appeared Mr. Weasley, the expression on his face was unreadable. 'I'll have to take him to the ministry' said Mr. Weasley, his tone filled with concern. Without any notice he ran up the stairs and left. Hermione was somewhat comforted, as she thought Harry must be sane if he was hunting Death Eaters, as he was the only one who would have put him in a cage in their cellar.
The next morning Harry woke up quite late with a throbbing headache, and feeling very hungry and thirsty. He noticed he had slept on a tropical beach, but could not remember how he had got there. He also noted that he was wearing swimming trunks and a Hawaiian shirt, but wasn't carrying his wand.
He walked around the beach to orientate himself, and found a newspaper in the sand. On the front page he saw the date was 1st of August, and he was in Hawaii. An article caught his attention; it mentioned a fight breaking out which had resulted in the wreck of a famous pub, 'Copacabana'. The name seemed familiar to him, but he did not know why.
Now that he knew where he was, he focused on his next objective: food and drink. After wondering how the hell he would get food without any money, he decided to go fishing, but he then realized he had no rod, and catching fish with one's hands is basically impossible. He remembered that he could do wandless magic, like when he blew up Aunt Marge and thought that he could probably conjure food. However, this brought about another complication, underage magic.
He decided to take a swim to clear things up in his mind and relax. He left his shirt in the sand and swam for an hour, enjoying the waves and admiring the beach. He decided to go into town and find some way to get food. When he got out of the water he found an owl waiting for him by his shirt. He read it, it was from Hermione, and was suddenly aware that he did not have a quill to answer back. Some memories then flowed into his mind as he thought of Hermione. He remembered lying on his bed and thinking of masking his magical signature. He somehow knew how to do it. He jumped from joy and danced around, jumping around on all fours laughing.
He hurriedly conjured a hammock between two palm trees and a tray with loads of tropical fruits and drinks, before the beach started to fill with people. He was famished, and quickly finished the contents of the tray. He then conjured a quill and replied to Hermione.
Dear Hermione,
I am in Hawaii, don't ask me why. That's what I want to know. The last thing I remember is being at the Dursley's, doing homework the night before my birthday. What happened? By the way, I can mask my magical signature, so I'll get by until I can get back to England.
Hope to see you soon Harry
P.S. I do not have any money to buy souvenirs, but I'll try and steal some
Hermione woke up and found Hedwig staring at her with a letter tied to her leg. She quickly opened the letter and read it, and was relieved to find Harry was alright. She went down and told everyone about it. However she was worried about him not remembering what had happened, and confided her concerns to Ginny and Ron.
They, however, were certain they would find a solution to it. Ginny assured her 'I'm sure you'll find out how to help him Hermione'.
Harry wanted to buy souvenirs for Hermione, so he thought that if he could conjure food, he could probably make money as well. He tried it out and came up with perfect fakes. This made him decide that he could take a two week holiday in five star hotels, as he had missed his birthday. He also wanted to forget about the events in the Department of Mysteries last term.
He booked a room for two weeks in the Kahala Mandarin Oriental Hotel, paying in cash, and booked a flight to London after those two weeks. He spent the rest of the day lazing in the sun in the beach and learning how to surf, as he now had the money to rent a board.
The next two weeks became a routine which encompassed Harry swimming, surfing, eating, smoking weed with his two friends who are known as 'the junkies', and most markedly getting completely pissed at discos and waking up the next morning without any clothes on, flat on his face and on top of the covers. The monotony had been broken once when a great white shark bit half of the surfboard and Harry rode it back to the beach, not even noticing he had controlled an animal for the first time that wasn't a snake.
'House keeping' came an unfamiliar Spanishy voice 'Mr. Harry, are you there?' She supposed he must not be there, as he was sound asleep, so she entered the room, and 'aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh…. Mr. Harry I am so sorry, I no no, you were there, I thought no one in room' said the maid, her voice a high pitched squeal. Harry automatically screamed back in a similar tone 'Pull yourself together woman, it's only skin! Now get out of my room'. The maid nodded frantically and scrambled out of the room so fast Harry barely noticed.
As it was the last day of his holiday, Harry chose to write a letter to Hermione, telling her the details of his flight and asking her if she could get Mr. Weasley to pick him up from the airport. He quickly packed his bags and made his way to the airport, where he bought some souvenirs before leaving. 'This I going to be a long trip' said Harry dejectedly to himself as he stepped into the plane.
A/N well here is the fourth chapter, as you can see it is pretty long in comparison to the other three chapters, I hope you liked it. Please Rate and Review!