I never really used to write fan fiction so I missed out on an opportunity in the show to write fiction about. So in this piece of fanfic I've decided to go back, way back, to when Ray and Grace were together. This was meant to take place in Graces mind soon after the night when Lily attempted to confess her love to Ray with the simple "Ray, I love you!" As we all know she wasn't heard over the crowd.
As usual I don't own RFR, or personally know any cast members, nor do I have any contact with the people at the-n or family.
"How do you feel?"
A simple question that the physiatrist asked always asked when I was a child. Of course there were the variations "How do you feel about this", "Are you going to act on your feelings?", "How do you feel about this situation?" Simple questions required simple solutions. Words such as "bad","good" and "sure" just popped out of my mouth. Back then I just thought it wasn't a big deal. I didn't believe I had a need for shrink. My problems at the time were marks below A's, dogs that barked, and spilt water. Definitely nothing big. My parents just thought it would be influential (as they put it) to have someone in the future that I could turn to. It was times like those that I never thought I'd feel the way I do now.
The funny thing is, I don't know how I feel anymore. I just can't describe it. My feelings can't be summed in one word, no matter how long a word it may be. They can't be summed in multiple words either. It's a feeling. Feelings we never meant to be said or written or read. They were simply meant to be felt.
There's another problem, I don't know how I feel either. I know I love Ray. That part is clear, but I have doubts that he feels the same way about me. Last night I could see love in his eyes, but I don't think that look was meant for me. It was a look meant for Lily. It might all sound paranoid, but I don't think it is. I just have a way of sensing things. I could tell that they had a bond way stronger than mine.
When No Mans Land finished performing we were about to leave when Lily came running towards us from the stage. Luckily her microphone didn't work. If Ray were to hear those few little words that came out of her mouth…well I don't know what I'd do. Maybe it's inevitable. Maybe I'm just the girl next door. The one you can turn to in times of trouble, but what if I need to turn to someone? I know if he heard those words he'd go running right back to her. Sure, Lily isn't perfect, but neither is anyone else. Perfect or not, she's Rays dream girl. I just know she is. I told him I didn't hear a thing. I'm surprised he bought that, it looks like he was hoping he did hear something. It's possible that he actually did hear something, Perhaps he knew it was Lily, or that the comment was directed at him, but he couldn't quite hear it over the crowd. I'm almost certain that if he did hear her he'd forget about me in a second. I guess I'll never know. It wouldn't be polite to go right out and ask him.
Now I have all these thoughts, all these doubts. Not that I didn't have them before. I guess I've always had some, but now it's just too much. Too many thoughts, too many nightmares, too many chances for something to go wrong. I don't think he'll ever find a girl that cares for him as much as I do inside, but the inside is completely different from the outside, different from what you say and how you act. He doesn't know me well enough to see the way I think, thought I'm sure he thinks he does. He thinks he has me down packed. Impress her with money and flowers, etcetera, but he doesn't understand that that's not part of it. The only thing I really want from him is his love, but I think he's already given it to Lily without noticing.
Maybe if I showed him I cared more. No, I can't keep putting myself through all these maybes. It'll just get me thinking more. Deeply thinking until I end up burying myself in thought. It would help if I could just get a load off my back and tell someone about all of this.
Yet I can't let anyone know I think these things. They'd never again look at me as "that cute, pretty, smart, polite girl". Instead I'd become the deep thinker. I don't really see anything wrong with it, but I know other people would. I know these things because I've thought them through. Ray for example. He's always enjoying the simple things. Never really thinking about what would happen next. Never dwelling much on the past either. He isn't exactly the most popular person around, but I still love him. He has a humor that can make me smile when I'm upset. I don't want to loose that with him. Then there's Travis, defiantly a deep thinker. He seems happy with himself, but I don't want to be left in a corner reciting Buddha quotes like I've seen him do. I don't have much of a relationship with him, but I know he wouldn't mind listening if I had something to say. Of course, I just had to end up falling for Ray instead. I don't even know what it is that makes him irresistible, but the last thing I want to do is become an outsider to him.
Sure there's the psychiatrist, but he's not going to be able to solve my problems. I need to figure this out for myself.
Thanks for taking the time to read, this is probably going to be a one shot, but I might write more later on. Remember to review please!