When I Am Queen
Installment #6: "Don't Let's Start"
I awoke to my mother, once again, sleeping in the couchlike chair across from my bed. She was sound asleep, and I didn't really want to wake her. So I got up out of bed as quietly as I possibly could to get myself a pop tart and start some coffee for her. Of course, as soon as my foot hit the kitchen floor, Christopher came zooming past. "Hey, Rory. Wasn't sure if you'd be awake or not. I already started coffee. Here, pop tart?" he said, very quickly, shoving one at me. He seemed very eager to get as much time in with me as possible before he left. However, he woke Lorelai up. She was groaning and pushing her body to stand in my bedroom.
"What're you doing up, kid?" she asked me. I normally would've said "I'm not a kid," but I was far too tired. So instead I mumbled something about coffee and sat down at the kitchen table. Mom sat down next to me and pulled her chair to face mine. Chris sat on the other side of me, sipping at his coffee. Mom put her hand out and held my chin. I winced, trying to shrug her off, but she had a firm grip. "Your face looks better," she said plainly.
"Lore, I thought her face was always good."
"I meant her eye, Chris," Lorelai said. I smiled weakly, and she smailed back. "So, what's the plan for today?" she asked me.
I looked around the kitchen, and suddenly, I wanted to get out. I wanted to get away. I wanted to go as far away as I could, just leave, keep going off into the sunset. "I don't know... I was going to stay in today, I guess. I mean... after the flowers..." Mom squeezed my hand and made a clicking sound with her tongue, mixed with an "aw." She hugged me tightly, rocking me back and forth.
"This situation sucks, hun. But someday, you're going to have to leave the house and go back to school." I said nothing, and I didn't even return her hug. I just kind of stared blankly at the clock on the stove. Chris just sat there, drinking coffee. "I have to go to work again, but I'll see how early I can get out," she said, pulling away, smiling. And I'll talk Luke into sending supplies. "But first, I have to shower."
"Thank god," I said quietly. She scoffed and almost skipped up the stairs.
"Today's my last day here," Chris murmured, almost a whisper, as though this was the thought he had been pondering over his coffee.
"I know. I overheard you and mom talking last night," I muttered. He made an "oh" sound, and continued sipping his coffee. "I love you, you know that? And I don't like what this Dean guy is doing, but you have to move on, and get around it somehow. I know it'll take time, and I'm willing to help try, but I think that you can't just stay inside for the rest of your life because of what some kid does with his spare time." I stayed silent in my chair, looking at my feet. I wasn't wearing any socks. My feet felt cold. Then Chris said nothing, and he could tell I wasn't going to say anything, so he went over to the couch and picked up a newspaper, reading it. I bit my lip and went back to my room, shutting the door loudly behind me. I knew what I would do at that moment.
I pulled all my clothes off and put on some street clothes, plus my only black baggy hoodie that Lane had gotten me as a gag gift almost. I pulled the hood over my face and opened the window, making sure nobody would notice, and then hopping out. I felt like some hoodlum or hooligan about to vandalize something or other. I knew exactly where I was going.
The air was nice - inside the house it was stale and old. Outside it was fresh and demi-springy. I took a deep breath and walked as steadily as I could, with as few recognitions as possible. When I arrived at my chosen destination, I found exactly who would be there. The boy stood up, looking kind of panicked, but then he recognised me. "Hey," he said coolly, throwing his cigarette into the lake.
"I thought Luke took you off those," I said, sauntering up to him, smile on full blast. Little streams of red formed around his ears. "He did, didn't he?"
"Couldn't find my secret stash," he said, hiding a slight grin. "I guess I'm a stress smoker now."
"What're you stressed about?" I asked him, tucking his hair behind his ear. He hadn't gelled it up yet, it was too early in the morning. He looked away, biting his lip. I brought my hand back down to my side.
"I don't think you should be out yet," he said quietly. I knew he was grappling with his decision between telling me off and closing the distance between us. "I mean... Dean... the town... it's brutal out here, even if you're not... you." I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest. I didn't want another lecture, not from Jess. "Don't be mad at me, Rory. I'm just..."
"Worried?"
"Stressed. Because I'm trying not to worry, and it's not working. I want to be able to see you in public, I want to be able to see you without sneaking around, but it can't happen until things are better for you."
"Things are fine for me," I said bitterly, feeling anger welling in my chest. "Maybe I should've just stayed at home - all I was finding out here was another Lorelai." I turned away, and I could hear him giving in through the way he was breathing. He grabbed my arm lightly and pulled me into him, kissing me gently. I bit his lip - hard - to draw all the pain out of myself and channel it into him. I didn't want him to treat me like I was broken. So he didn't. He kissed me like he would've kissed some wild-and-high punk girl back in New York. He wrapped his hands around the back of my head inside my hood, tangling his fingers in my hair. I grabbed his belt loops and pulled him into me, which made him pause. I could feel everything that was happening to him then.
"Rory. Stop. Think. Is this what you really want?"
"Yes," I said plainly, rubbing up against him. He pulled himself away, and gave me a disapproving look.
"This isn't you. You don't want to move this fast, I know you. You have pain - I get that. But don't channel it out through me. That's not like the girl I fell for."
"The girl you fell for is dying, Jess."
"Well, I think it's time someone tried to revive her," he said under his breath before walking away, leaving me standing there, wondering what I was going to do. So I cried. Then I wiped tears off my cheeks and stopped. I sucked it up and went home. I just wanted to feel something, and maybe it was time to.
I am so sorry it took so long. I was completely roadblocked. But now, I won't be. I promise you, I will update it as much as I update all my other major in progress stories (i.e. Boy with the Backward Watch; Hero of the Story). I already have installment 7 partially written.