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4- Unthankful

From the first meeting to the present day in November, JJ had seen way too much of Drake's girlfriend. He hated her with a passion; she was way too girly for his tastes. Now, he was lying on his bed, contemplating Drake's new request.

The time of question: Thanksgiving. JJ had let Drake go spend Halloween with her, as well as every weekend. Also, Drake had promised he would spend the day of thanks with JJ-- and only him. But, yet again, Cyndi makes her own plans and expects her boyfriend to go along with it.

It angered JJ to no end that she had the nerve to take him away from him. There was no way in hell he'd let her take him Thursday.

Oh, but how wrong could he have possibly been? Drake did his pleading puppy look with the big, brown eyes. And JJ lost…again. What was he doing wrong? Why couldn't Drake see how much he loved him? Why wouldn't he love him back?

"Because he's straight as a nail," JJ answered his own thoughts. He supposed really that Drake didn't even see how much JJ was in love with him. But it seemed to JJ that he was almost over expressing himself, and the other man would have to be blind and deaf not to notice.

JJ had woken up on Thanksgiving day alone and cold. He strolled through the empty, lifeless hallways with a large blue blanket draped around his lithe frame. He shivered underneath the cover, his already cold feet pattering against the hard, glacial wood floors. As he slowly made his way downstairs, he cursed himself for even considering to have wood floors. He reached the kitchen to start his daily routine with a fresh cup of coffee.

His mind traveled with amazing speed as he watched the coffee brew in its pot. He tried willing himself to calm down, but found it impossible. 'Drake must be in Hickville now with his stupid, perfect, hick girlfriend from stupid fucking Arkansas.' JJ thought. 'Fuck her. Fuck Arkansas. Fuck him. Fuck me. I'm a fucking loser.'

He poured the dark coffee into his mug and swigged down a gulp. It burnt his mouth, but he continued drinking anyway.He glared at the calendar that was dangling on the wall. His beloved idiot wouldn't be home until December first. JJ sighed heavily and ran lean fingers through his fair hair. December second was JJ's thirty-fifth birthday, and Drake promised he'd be there for sure. He was to take him out, party, and get drunk.

'You also promised to cook me a nice meal on Thanksgiving' JJ looked around the forlorn kitchen. 'But your not here.'

He felt his throat constrict and his eyes threatened to tear. JJ made several small sounds in the back of his throat in an attempt to keep from crying. He was a man and no crying was allowed No matter how hard he tried, tears started freefalling. The tears trailed down his paled cheek and burst on the floor. He let loose, figuring it would calm him or make him feel better. But as the tears kept falling, he felt worse and worse. Painful memories of the past began to pop up, making his tears stream faster and harder.

He gripped his half-empty mug tightly to his chest when his knees buckled and he plummeted to the linoleum. JJ began losing breath and wanted to scream in frustration. No one was there to hear him, so he let his voice echo throughout the room until he completely ran out of air. He banged his head harshly against the cupboards and proceeded to slump against them.

The tears ceased to fall, but JJ felt shoddier than ever. He had let his emotions overtake him and get the better of him. He mumbled, "I'm such a drama queen."

In a complete rage, he hurled his cup across the room where it shattered against the wall. JJ watched as the brown liquid streamed down the white edge. He, himself, was sliding down further and further until finally he was just a shuddering lump on the floor. JJ hated himself for the self-pity. His usual hyper self must be taking a vacation. Wherever the overexcited persona went, JJ wanted to be there instead.

He laid there until he cleared his mind of everything except the brown stain on the wall. The peace didn't stay long, as his eyes fell upon a picture stuck on the fridge. It was taken two summers ago when he and Drake went to Central Park for an afternoon to hang out. That was the day of realization. JJ just glanced over at Drake that day, all stretched out in the sun and realized he was utterly in love. And when he knew that, he allowed himself to be happy for Dee for finding a great person like Ryo.

JJ hated the memory right now. It may have been a day of realization, but it was also the beginning of a struggle that he may never be able to untangle himself from.

The thing that pained him the most about that day was what Drake had acted like. He had swoon over JJ by hugging him, whispering secrets and seductive comments. For one day, they acted like a couple--and several passersby thought so too judging by their scowls and name-calling. Later that night, JJ almost had kissed him. But as he leaned in, Drake bolted for the door. Never again had they ever acted like that again.

JJ was starting to shed more tears. He slinked across the floor slowly, pulling himself to his feet when he reached the oven. He used the edge of his blanket to wipe away the tears, then reached up and opened the cupboard wide. His blue, bloodshot eyes scanned the contents until he found what he was looking for. JJ pulled two orange bottles out and opened them. He then poured out a little of each of their contents. He fiddled through the pills and swallowed one of each without water. Hopefully they would relieve his aching head.

JJ thought. 'I should do a lot of things, but I won't. Like I won't say how much I love you, Drake. I can't lose you, even if when I'm around you I'm in pain.' He plinked each of the pills still lying on the counter into their correct bottles. 'Why did you move in with me? Why did I let you? Why didn't you move in with her?' JJ slumped back to the ground in mental agony.

"I love you. I love you. I love you." Tears once again sprung up in his eyes. "Please, Drake. Forget her--she doesn't love you as much as I do," he howled. His heart clenched with throbbing hurt. JJ would never be happy. Never until Cyndi-Beth dropped dead.