Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing. Nope. Sure don't. I don't own any people either. Thirteenth Amendment took care of that one.

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The Same Old Thing

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"Bon appetit, Ms. Victoria," Walter smiled as he placed her chilled blood packet on the table.

She smiled back, but it was obviously a forced one. "Thanks, Walter," she murmured, "but I'm not very hungry right now. You can leave it; maybe I'll have a bit later."

Walter's brow creased in concern. "But Miss Victoria, you haven't eaten all day, and I don't remember you eating yesterday, either. You're not still having reservations about drinking the medical blood, are you?"

She shook her head.

"Well," Walter said, scratching his head and grinning slightly, "what is it then? I certainly hope you haven't been indulging in midnight snacks! The men might appreciate the attention, but..."

Walter and Seras both got a pretty good laugh out of that one. "No, Walter," she giggled, "it's nothing like that, I can promise you! It's just... I'm really getting tired of the taste of blood. I know it's all I CAN eat, but it doesn't offer much variety, you know?"

Walter's eyes widened in surprise. "Really? Alucard has never complained about it. I just thought that there must be subtle differences in taste, and that was what kept him satisfied..."

Seras looked thoughtful. "Well, I suppose there might be a little difference, but it's still like picking out 397 different kinds of tomato juice. They all still taste like tomatoes! Besides, Master strikes me as the type of person that, if he were human and could eat other things, would eat roasted, unspiced meat every single day."

"Hmm... Point taken," Walter muttered. "Well, Miss Victoria, I've never given much thought to flavoring blood. However, I happen to be acquainted with several distinguished chefs that might be able to give us some ideas."

Seras was very confused. "Ummmm... Walter? What exactly are you going to ask them? 'What's the best recipe you have for human blood?' Won't that... you know, raise some eyebrows?"

He grinned. "Don't be silly, Seras. I'll pose it to them as a hypothetical question: 'If you were going to fix a feast for a vampire, how would you prepare it?' Who knows; they might jump at the challenge. Hahaha!"

He turned to leave, but added one more thing as he was walking out the doorway. "Oh, by the way, let's keep this matter our little secret, okay? I don't think Sir Integra would be very pleased if she knew about all of the outside correspondence this will require."

"Right!" Seras nodded. "Gotcha!"

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Within days, mail from all over the world began pouring into Walter's mailbox. By the end of the week, he had amassed a considerable pile, and lugged it down to Seras's room in the basement for inspection. Seras couldn't believe her eyes: Walter's "acquaintences" included many of the world's biggest celebrities!

"Walter, how do you know all of these people?" she asked in disbelief.

"Seras, between being a gentleman's gentleman and a member of the Hellsing Organization, I have met quite a few interesting characters in my day!" he laughed.

Still in disbelief, Seras began reading the letters. The first one was from a famous American businesswoman who had crafted an image as a home improvement guru. Unfortunately, she had recently run afoul of stock-trading laws, and the letter was addressed from a jail. It read:

"How to flavor blood? Walter, you've sent me some interesting mail in the past, but this one takes the cake! Well, personally I would put as much garlic in it as humanly possible! Hahaha!"

Seras grimaced. "That woman belongs in prison... Next!"

She smiled as she saw the name on the next one. It was from another American, a celebrity chef with a Cajun accent and his own television show. Perhaps his idea would be a little better...

"Eh, I'm really not sure, Walter. Normally I'd kick it up a notch with garlic, but I doubt that the dinner guests would appreciate it! Hahaha! Well, next to garlic, the tastiest thing in the world is chocolate, so I think I'd melt some into it. I bet it's so good that the vampires will tip the waiter instead of tapping his neck!"

"Chocolate, huh?" Seras mused.

Walter placed a small bowl of reddish-brown liquid in front of her. "I took the liberty of preparing several of the suggested recipes that MIGHT work. Care for a taste?"

Seras tried a spoonfull; her facial expression showed mixed feelings about the concoction. "Well... It's not terrible, but I've had better. Let's see about these others."

A large sweatdrop appeared on Seras's head when she read the name on the next letter.

"What the... HIM? " she gasped.

It was from none other than that legendary rocker, O.O.!

Walter looked slightly embarassed. "Well, I simply thought that a man who bites the heads off of doves and bats might have some knowledge about the subject..."

Seras nervously chuckled. "Yes, I suppose you've got a point there."

"Hey, Walter! How's it going? Sharon got spellcheck on this 'ere computer, so you might be able to read my letter this time! Hahaha! Leave it to you to ask me a question as bloody crazy as this; you always were the wilder of the two of us. My recommendation is to mix in sour cream, bacon bits, and butter. Well, see you at the next concert, mate!"

Eyes as wide as saucers, Seras looked at Walter, then at the letter, and then at Walter again.

"It's a long, long story!" he laughed, obviously intending for the subject to be dropped.

"Right..." she whispered as he put the "baked potato style" blood mixture on the table. She took one taste and quickly spit it into her napkin!

"Cross that one off the list!" she gagged, taking a small sip of water.

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An hour later, Seras and Walter were no closer to finding the perfect additives. They had tried recipe after recipe, but none of them could be classified as "good", and few even made it to "mediocre". After trying so many culinary failures, Seras was beginning to feel slightly queasy and more than a little dejected.

"I'm beginning to think that this is hopeless, Walter," she sighed.

"Indeed," he said with a frown. "Who would have thought that finding the perfect spice for blood would be so difficult... We might as well be searching for the Holy Grail or Philosopher's Stone for all the luck we're having!"

"You two seem to be in a bit of a bind," a voice from the doorway quipped.

Walter whipped around to see (to his mortification) that the voice belonged to Sir Integra Hellsing! She was glaring daggers at her two subordinates; with a sinking feeling, they realized that they had been caught in the act.

"S-Sir Integra!" Walter stammered, bowing. "Please forgive me; I should have consulted you before I--"

"Don't listen to him!" Seras interrupted. "It's my fault. I asked him to do it!"

"Silence!" roared Sir Integra. Then, to her cowering underlings' surprise, an amused smile spread over her face!

"Hahaha! Had you there, didn't I?" she laughed. "Don't worry, Walter; you aren't in trouble, and neither is Seras. One of your letters somehow made its way to my desk, and I quickly guessed what was going on. I feel pity for you, Seras, and I'm here to help!"

Walter suddenly noticed that Integra was holding a basket full of ingredients in her hand. Without a word, she made her way to the table and unpacked it. Once the basket was completely empty, she tossed Seras a notepad and pen. "Write this down for future reference," she ordered.

With that, Integra began rattling off a long list of crimson-colored recipies: "Tex-Mex Blood: add cilantro, tomato juice, and cayenne pepper. Italian-Style Blood: add thyme, oregano, and a pinch of parmesan cheese. Curry Blood: add curry, saffron, and sesame seeds. Dessert Blood: add cinnamon, sugar, and vanilla..."

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Within a matter of minutes, Seras was slurping down the red delicacies with a relish that surprised not only Integra and Walter, but herself as well! Integra's concoctions were absolutely delicious (at least according to a bloodsucker's tastebuds), and the last time Seras had enjoyed eating anything this much was a steak she had had 3 days prior to becoming a vampire.

Once she had finally downed them all, Seras leaned back in her chair and patted her belly. "Mmmmmmm! Those were delicious, Sir Integra!" she said. "How did you learn to make them?"

"I must admit, I was wondering the same thing myself," Walter added, unable to hide his curiosity.

Integra smiled knowingly. "They weren't my recipies. Mr. Burrows gave them to me."

Upon hearing this, Walter got the strangest look on his face. Seras had never heard of this fellow, and Walter's reaction only made her more confused.

"Who's he?" she asked. "A 'good' vampire like Helena?"

"Not exactly..." Walter murmured, still a little dazed. "He's the Hellsing family lawyer..."

THE END

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Heh, heh. Most stereotypes do have some basis in truth, ya know? By the way, I'm sorry about not putting the celebrities' names in the story. I noticed that doing so is against the rules, and I've been a bit paranoid about such things ever since I was shut down for a "script format" violation. Still, I think I've dropped enough clues that it shouldn't be too difficult to figure out who I'm referring to.

Well, I hope you liked it, but please drop me a review regardless!