Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing. Darn shame, really... Oh yeah. I don't own the "Colt" brand, either.

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Souvenir

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"Alucard! Seras! Is she home yet?"

Alucard sighed wearily. "No, Walter. For the umpteenth time, Sir Integra isn't here yet."

"Ah..." he sighed. "I see."

Two weeks ago, Sir Integra Hellsing had left for Crawford, Texas, to attend a trans-Atlantic security conference. She really hadn't wanted to attend, but since the American President had named her specifically, and since the Queen insisted, Integra really didn't have much choice in the matter. The conference formally ended yesterday, and Integra had phoned them that she was on her way home. Strangely enough, ever since that message had been received, Walter had been making a royal pest of himself. The words "Is she here yet?" had echoed through the house all day!

Turning a weary eye toward his old friend, Alucard asked "Walter, if you don't mind my asking, what are you so anxious about? I know you two are close, but Integra takes overseas trips all of the time. Why is this one any different?"

Walter gave the vampire an odd smile. "You remember what she said before she left, don't you? She's bringing us all back a souvenir..."

Alucard raised an eyebrow. "So? Snowglobes and hats never seemed to interest you before."

Just then, a Hellsing soldier came barging into the room, out of breath. "Forgive me for intruding, Sirs, but Sir Integra will be arriving at any moment, and she sent word that she wishes to see us all outside immediately!"

"Yahoo!" yelled Walter happily. He quickly darted out the door, leaving Alucard and the soldier alone.

The soldier gulped and fidgeted slightly. "Sir, I hope you don't mind my asking, but what's gotten into Mr. Dullneaz?"

Alucard shrugged lazily. "Don't ask me; I've been trying to figure that one out all day."

With that, he got up and phased through the wall, heading toward the courtyard.

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Most of Hellsing was already waiting outside, arranged in neat rank and file. Seras smiled as Alucard stepped into place beside her.

"Hello, Master!" she greeted him. "How's your day been so..."

Her sentence trailed off as the strangest thing she had ever seen came bounding out of the front door. It was Walter, carrying a feather duster in his hand and skipping like a schoolgirl; even more amazing was the fact that he was covering roughly seven feet per skip! While still a good six yards away, he stopped, turned around, and backflipped into place on the other side of Seras!

Staring bug-eyed at the normally quiet butler, Seras struggled to speak. Finally, she stammered "W-well hello, Walter... Having a good day, are we?"

The butler nodded emphatically, then faced forward, a giant grin on his face. Seras looked toward her master hoping for an explanation, but received only a bewildered shrug. Before any more words could be exchanged, Sir Integra drove up in her black limo and got out.

"Well, lady and gentlemen, I must say that it's good to be back in England," she said to the cheers of her men. "My grammar may never be the same. Hahaha... In all seriousness, though, Texas was a fairly nice place, and it boasted quite a few good attributes. As promised, I brought something home for all of you. For all of you soldiers, I have ordered a large shipment of Texas beef and barbeque sauce. I can assure you that you'll enjoy every morsel!"

After another round of cheers, she said "All of you are now dismissed, with the exception of my non-regular staff and officers."

With that, the crowd walked off, leaving only Alucard, Seras, Walter, Ferguson, Lt. Pickman, and Pip Bernadette standing in front of Integra. She walked over to Pip first.

"Mr. Bernadette, you love that hat of yours, the one that reads 'Britannica Cowboy', do you not?" she asked.

"Of course, Madam," he answered. "I wouldn't part with eet for all zee money in the world."

"I'm not asking you to," she grinned "but I like my staff to look sharp. In light of that..."

She popped open the limo's trunk and pulled out a leather cowboy hat. As she placed it on his head, he crowed with joy.

"C'est tres beau!" he happily exclaimed. "Just when everyone thought I couldn't get any sexier, now I have this baby to boost my looks even more!"

After everyone finished groaning at Mr. Narcissus, Integra pulled three square, black cases from the limo and lugged them over to her officers. Placing them on the ground, she smiled, "Ferguson, Pickman, Alucard: these are for you."

They excitedly opened their boxes, which they discovered contained two Colt revolvers each. They were all tickled pink, especially Alucard.

"Master, I haven't seen one of these since I shot Billy the Kid and took his!" he gleefully exclaimed. "I applaud you on your good taste."

Integra smiled; she thought he would approve. Finally, she turned to Seras and said "Ms. Victoria, I don't have your gift with me, but it should arrive any day now. While it's not a specifically Texan or American gift, I thought you would appreciate a little more in the way of wardrobe."

Seras's eyes lit up. "Boy, would I ever! Don't get me wrong; I like my uniform, but variety is the spice of life, as they say."

"Indeed," nodded Integra. "I bought you several 'everyday street clothes' outfits, and threw in one that has the 'cowgirl' look, just for kicks."

"Thanks!" Seras giggled. "I've always wondered how I'd look in cowboy boots."

"Well, then, my job is done," Integra concluded. Walter looked like there had been a death in the family. After taking a look at his forlorn face, Integra tried to hold in her laughter, but finally gave up.

Through giggles, she said "Don't worry, Walter! I didn't forget your gift."

The Hellsing butler was suddenly "all rainbows and butterflies" again. Integra pulled an plain-looking cardboard box out of the limo and placed it in Walter's eager hands.

"Bless you, Sir Integra!" he exclaimed. With that, he took off running toward the house at full speed.

Everyone except Integra sweatdropped. Finally, Alucard whirled around to face his master, frustration and confusion written all over his face. "All right, Master! Spill the beans! What in the world is in that box?"

Integra gave him a coquettish smile. "Something Walter has wanted to get his hands on for a long, long time."

"Which is?" Seras asked, curiosity consuming her.

Integra's smile grew larger. "Barbed wire."

THE END

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Hahaha! I feel sorry for whoever gets to be his test subject, don't you? Anyway, please drop me a review!